Author's Notes:  Hmphf… I had this done last month but stupid ff.net seems to like being down and stuff.  Either way, it's the next chapter.  It's in Yamato's point of view (as if you can't figure that out easily enough) and jumps through 01.  Note:  I have a horrible penchant for melodrama so if you find a soap opera quality to this please tell me and I'll happily perform the appropriate penance (mainly a tub of double brownie fudge chocolate ice cream and sulking for an afternoon).  And *gasp* there's Sora here.  Just kidding; I like her.  No bashing here.

Big thanks to Natsu (go me huh?), Becci'D, Sapphire Goddess, lillykawaii, shadowed angel, babydragon, Shattered Sky (you're very close).

Reoccurrence

Chapter 2:  Loss

Taichi hung around us, haunted us.  If we'd found food, we would realize collectively that he would've enjoyed whatever it was more than we did.  And I, the new so-called leader had to bear it, to try to fill his shoes knowing full well I couldn't and didn't want to try.  Me, who was grieving for us being stuck in this godforsaken world, doing battle to save both worlds, to save ourselves, to feel that for a moment Tai's death wasn't in vain.  But no achievement, no real victory took that guilt, that sadness away.  No matter how hard you tried, you couldn't get away from it.  He died leading us, he died by freak accident, he died because of my attitude.  Waking up with the sun, sitting like a statue in case of attack, kicking myself, and not being able to find a way back home.  The daily routine.

The day he died didn't seem real most of the time.  I was slumped exhausted over a boulder a little downstream from where they found Agumon, holding on to that stupid belief that somehow he'd survived the plunge and was smiling in wait for us.  It was denial.  He couldn't die; he was Tai, the one that always got into danger and lived, hanging by his will to survive.  When he got sucked into that portal back home he found his way back to us.  I believed so hard, so hard that my mind strained to focus on nothing else but his existence.  Besides, we had his digivice and Agumon; that didn't mean he was dead, not by a long shot.  Where's the body if he's dead?

They caught up to me, my breathing ragged and eyes fixed fiercely to somewhere in front of me, pointing at something that would magically whisk Tai back to us, to me.  But I couldn't concentrate, not with Sora wailing like hell.  I turned and lashed out at her.  "Sora!  Shut the hell up!  Fuck, I can't even think with your screaming!"  She just cried harder, her words broken and choked.  God, it was the worst sound I thought I could ever hear.  I was wrong.  I'd hear the worst sound would later that night, that endless night.  The night when I knew I wasn't going to be okay, none of us really would ever be.

It was dark when we dragged ourselves back up the cliffs, carrying Agumon.  I didn't cry; there was no reason.  No reason because Tai would be back at the camp and give us his goofy sheepish grin and all would be alright.  Everyone else wasn't like me.  They didn't know the truth that he was alive.  They were all tear-stained, barely able to clutch Agumon's shattered body in between shuddering, heaving sobs.  Sora was the loudest, every other minute a fresh burst of tears, full cries stifled by her sheer will to try to stop herself.  If only I'd known then what I know now, I would've realized she was probably the strongest person out there.

We all collapsed into camp, Mimi beaming down at us, voice raised in excitement.  "Hey everyone, guess what?"

Sora let an unbidden cry ring out, obviously the effort to keep relatively quiet too great.  She dropped Agumon's left claw, falling to her knees and clutching sharply at the dirt.  Mimi rushed over to her, half scared.  Sora tried to speak, only a thick gurgling sound coming out.  I watched in detached curiosity.  True, she's been Tai's best friend for so long; naturally she'd be upset if he were dead.  But he wasn't; he was right beyond Mimi watching us with amusement as the fire licked its way across his face.  I strained my eyesight to the fire, no one within its halo.  Oh well, he's just not gotten back yet; he'll arrive in a little bit and prove to Sora just how foolish she's acting right now.

Another wail echoed, this time higher, different.  Koushiro was patting Mimi on the back consolingly as she hunched over and cried.  Obviously, he'd told her their stupid conclusion, and she was fool enough to believe him.  "But she just got better!"

Jyou sniffed loudly, taking deep breaths to keep his speech intelligible.  "What, Mimi?"

"Hikari!  She's awake; she's awake!  I ran out to tell you."  She covered her face with her gloved hands, long strands of hair falling out from under her hat shielding her face. 

Sora quieted then, only a low whimpering.   We all let the information set in, filling everyone else with a sort of horror beyond words.  To me, it was just another girl to cry for no reason.  Koushiro was stumbling toward camp; I knew what he was going to do.  He'd go tell his lies, tell Hikari that her brother was dead.  He couldn't; I wouldn't allow it.  It was too cruel to tell that sort of lie to an innocent child.  I ran after him, catching sight of him bending down over Kari's standing figure.  "No!  Don't believe him; he's lying!"  I didn't even realize my voice was high and hysterical, so strangely loud, so piercing.  "He's lying; Tai's fine!"  A weight crashed into me from behind, the glimpse of glasses before I found myself knocked to the ground, restrained and forced to watch Koushiro fill her with fear over nothing.  A tight hand clamped over my mouth as I tried to catch her attention.  Muffled protests.

Koushiro raked his fingers through his hair, not daring to look into Kari's curious eyes.  He was going to destroy her.  "T-tai's gone Kari.  He's dead."

Her face convulsed, an image I'll never forget, the sudden wave of panic and fear that threatened to overwhelm her.  God, she was only fucking eight.  She staggered out a few words, almost too feeble to hear.  "I-I don't believe you.  He's fine; you're lying."

Good girl Kari; don't believe him.  Tai's fine.  He's just in the woods, finding his way back.  Koushiro wouldn't give up, speaking softly and tentatively, all his big words failing him.  "He's really dead Kari.  He fell off a cliff, a very high one."

Kari was shaking her head viciously, hard, painfully.  I knew that pain, the same when I willed him alive at the riverbed.  Her voice wobbled even more.  "No, he didn't.  Agumon was with him; he'd never let Tai get hurt."

Jyou spoke up from over my back, his hands tying my arms together even tighter.  "We found Agumon hurt really bad at the bottom of the cliff."  One of his hands fumbled in my back pocket. I knew what he reaching for and struggled in vain as he pulled out Tai's digivice, throwing it to Kari.  I couldn't stop him even though I wanted to.  Tai needed it when he came back; how else was Agumon supposed to digivolve?

Kari watched the digivice at her feet for a second, looking up with watery eyes.  "I don't know why, but you're all lying to me.  Tai's not dead.  If he's dead where's his body?"

Exactly.  I watched anxiously as Koushiro looked taken back.  Yeah genius; if Taichi's dead, where's his body?  He just looked down at Kari, mournful gaze.  "Remember when digimon die?  They scatter into little bits of data?  Tai would've just disappeared like that."

I felt it then, the disfiguring truth, rising somewhere in me.  He was right; of course he was right.  But he was right where he should've been wrong.  Kari let the tears trickle, backing up in disbelief, the word 'no' coming with each panicking breath.  And closer she got to the fire.  It burst, whatever 'it' was.  Just blew apart like matchsticks.  Something was seriously wrong now, my body twisting and convulsing on its own.  Startled, Jyou tumbled off me, watching me writhe.  Kari was still shaking her head, sniffling, closer to the fire, the flames brushing her back.  Flinging myself up, I rushed forward, past the stunned Izzy, diving and pulling Kari from the fire, pressing her to me as if we were to be fused.

There was that moment, pregnant with collectively held breaths.  Then she lifted her head, the heartbreaking pain in her eyes glowing like a dark jewel.  She closed them quickly, throwing her head back and letting the pain find an audible channel.  It was wrenching, so much more worse than Sora's cries.  It had a force behind it rained, pelting.  She'd lost her brother.  Her cries rang in my ears, rising me toward that place where I'd have to face the truth and live with the consequences.  I knew then what it was that was breaking me; I saw myself where Kari had been, backing away toward fire, shaking in denial.  If any of the others had crept closer to comfort Kari, they jumped back when I let my cries join hers.  I wasn't loud or hysterical, but then again crying was one thing I'd never really done.  I was the composed one that never betrayed a feeling except anger.  But Kari and I echoed loss; it was the sound of the losing a person that we thought would always be there. 

They all said later I was a going to be a great leader; look how I'd saved Kari when no one else did.  I almost laughed scornfully.  If only they knew how selfish I was when I saved her.  They didn't understand; Kari was part of him, his sister.  She couldn't disappear; I had to hold onto her with a death grip as if I could feel him through her.  Stupid hope.  I just kept hugging her close maybe tricking my mind into thinking Tai was still here.  But he wasn't. 

From there on, nothing was the same, not in the same clichéd sense you see in movies or books like constant weeping, or colours dimming, or reality losing itself.  Instead, everything became much more real; we were quieter and fearful and infinitely more conscious of death.  We went through the same mourning routine with Agumon when he woke up.  The same denial, the same pain, but much quieter.  He remembered the whole accident and took it hard, closing himself off to us, blamed himself, lost his spirit.  How I envied him; I'd have given anything to let myself waste away, fade.  But I was the next in line; it wasn't an option.  And day after day, I'd wished not to wake up, but I always did.

We held a small memorial service when Agumon was fully recovered.  Just a little pile of stones with a cross, tears all around and strained laughter at some remembered stories.  Luckily we had a distraction when Piedmon attacked later on, when all our reserves went toward defeating evil instead of remembering.  But even then, I couldn't shield myself from the passive hurt that always seemed to surface.  A glimpse of us in battle, champion forms clashing with virus digimon, while small Agumon fired his pepper breath without Tai to help him digivolve.  Or one of those mornings when I wake up and see Kari talking with Agumon, talking so quietly and laughing a little because she suddenly thought up another memory of Tai.  I'd look at them sadly, half wanting to know what Kari was saying, half dreading to approach her.  It was my fault wasn't it?  I was the one that started the fight, got him to go stamping off.  I would clenched my fist and wait for the same conversation I always had with Sora.

"Matt?"  Her quiet voice sounds from behind me.

"Yeah?"

She's a mind reader sometimes; it's really very scary.  "It's not your fault Matt.  You know that right?"

"Whatever." 

"It was an accident; there wasn't anything we could've done."

I always wanted to argue with her so much, but it wouldn't have been the same.  It would've been unsatisfying without the retort, without the tension to bridge us.  And deep down, I knew I didn't want to fight anymore.  "Yeah I know." 

There were battles, against each other, against Piedmon and other digimon, but we made it.  We made it to the present.  We now get to sit around mournfully and bid our partners goodbye, ready to pile into that trolley and disappear through that portal one last time.  This was the last time I'd see Gabumon, the one that stood by me as I pulled whatever courage I could muster to lead us.  It hurt to leave him, but I don't know…it was wonderful to leave.  Because Tai was here.  I could sometimes feel it if the wind blew hard enough.  Somewhere here.  So the trolley starts its slow journey, our digimon running alongside as we go.  Bitterly I spy Agumon standing unmoving from where the car had started.  He waves a small wave to us; he didn't get his goodbye.  As the portal swallowed us up with that white light, I pictured death, the tingle along my skin like reunion.  If I was stronger or braver, I think I could've ended my life.  But I wasn't, and I had responsibilities even if all I wanted to do was cut them into tiny bits and scatter them in the wind, dissolve away like Tai's body.  The last glimpse of the Digital World, the deserts, the meadows, the lakes.  Where I had lost a little of myself, where Tai was buried, symbolically if not physically.  Closing around us, the image disappeared and all that surrounded me was a terrible dread, the dread of living.

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Author's Notes:  Survivor's guilt anyone?  Next chapter is Taichi's point of view and an explanation of what he's been doing for the past few months.