Author's Notes: Not much to say. I'm changing around season 2 a little so just humour me and go along, okay? Oh, and review. Please?
Thanks to ThatGirl, Glance Behind, kurokasaineko, Sarri-chan (um Chapter 6?)
Disclaimer: Digimon is not mine.
ReoccurrenceChapter 4: Stitch by Stitch
It's Taichi's birthday today, well at least it would've been. It's one of those hell on earth days again. Luckily, the pain seems to be getting less, just softer and dimmer year after year. Really, I only take the time to start thinking about him on the special days, maybe Christmas, his birthday, sometimes the anniversary when we all went to the digital world. It does flood back, the loss and those feelings of helplessness, but I've been dealing with those far too long to really even care anymore. His image is smudged like all distant memories, and frankly, that scares me. Scares me like nothing else. He's fading, and soon he'll just be gone, like he was never here.
It's the cycle of death they say, not the whole five stages thing, but that slow progression from grief to pained remembrance to faded memory to absolute nothingness. People say the nothingness fits that 'it'll get better with time' cliché, but I hate it. In spite of how much you want it to go away, the hurt, part of you wants to keep it. I want to actively miss him, to be pained in knowing that he was just at the other end of my fist a moment ago. But now that's a long time ago…too long and nature's taking the course without my permission. It's partly shame too, trying to make myself remember the pain, make myself feel worse than everybody else because I think I have it worse than them. All of us hurt for him, but even more than me is Hikari.
It's weird how people live in denial. After battling Myotismon, everyone just said 'oh, what a terrible earthquake.' Just blocked out everything like that. And Tai's memory with it. So his parents think he ran away; sometimes I can see his mother looking out over the street longing for his return. And I know then…I KNOW that Kari's suffering worse than I am. She gets to sit in that house all day watching her parents hope while knowing exactly what happened to him, that he won't ever be coming back.
It's tradition now, a hard one to bear, but we all gather at his house with his parents to celebrate his birthday. It's probably the only time in the whole year that we get to know how Kari feels everyday. I'm choking down a thick piece of chocolate cake, his favourite apparently, while his mother tearfully makes the same speech she did last year and the year before and the year before that. "I'm sure Tai will decide to come back to us by his next birthday…"
We all sit there uncomfortably, my fingers already curling themselves into fists, Kari looking more depressed than ever, Sora's lower lip quivering. His mother smiles hopefully and looks around at us; we all give her the same plastic hopeful look back. Even my voice is purposefully emotionless, the product of years of practice, that kind of blank 'I don't know where he is' look. "I'm sure he'll be back, Mrs. Yagami."
"Yeah, kaa-san. Yamato's right." Hikari gives me a plaintive look and ducks her head behind her hands. She's trying to hard not to cry, but I can tell this is going to be just like last year. I pull her into a hug and lead her towards his room, even if I don't want to be there. It's like he never left, clothes still tangled on the floor, odds and ends on the desk, toys thrown about, a thick layer of dust over everything. Swallowing, I can taste his stale scent; it's unbearable, but Kari's already crying, dropping herself onto the mattress, a storm of dust flying around her.
I try my best to soothe her, but I know how she feels, and I know I'd hate it more if people gave me those useless little sympathetic pats on the back like 'it'll all be okay.' Fuck them; this is not going to be okay. "Kari…I'm sorry."
She looks up through her obstructed eyes. "I've already told you it's not your fault."
I shake my head. "No. I just meant I'm sorry you have to live like this, with your parents and all…"
She nods resignedly, body quivering in anticipation of a full sob. But it never comes, only loud rasping breaths. "I don't know if I can do it any longer. They just sit there sometimes and stare at this picture of him on the dining table. And I can see it in their eyes; they really do think he'll come home." She drives her face into my shoulder, breathing even more erratically. "Sometimes, I want to start screaming, yell at them, just tell them everything. It's like I can't grieve for him because they don't know. I can't cry, really cry, because they think he's still alive. I need them…four years…I need them." Shaking her head viciously, she straightens herself and looks with mild horror around the room. "His room…" Of course, she'd moved into the guest room soon after Tai's 'disappearance;' now it was just his shrine, with its bunk beds and dirty walls. "Thanks Yamato, for being there. I know it's still hard for you."
"Yeah…" I'm pretty sure she knew how I felt about him, there's something in her words. But she doesn't know how fast I'm forgetting him, quickly and helplessly. Another bout of nothingness coming on, but this is one of those all too common times where I have to suck it up and be the strong one, lead everyone. "Let's go back to the party before your parents get worried, okay?"
She agrees and we rejoin the group, a deathly silence over everyone. This is definitely like last year.
______________________________________________
I'm staring into the endless black of my computer, sprawled out over my chair, alone. It's nighttime, a couple hours after the awkward silence drove everyone home with some excuse or another. It was like a wake; in a sense it was, but his parents didn't know that. And now, I'm trying really hard to make that picture of him in my head less fuzzy, but it's not working too well. Something's bothering me too, more than the usual Tai related memories; this something sending goosebumps over my skin, cupping my face with them. A quiet beep sounds, getting shriller, very familiar. With a sudden fury, I know what it is. And I don't want it to be that. Angry, fuming with rage, I rip open the desk drawer spotting those two horrible digivices, one of them blinking and beeping. Kari gave me Taichi's, last year, something she said to 'he would've wanted you to have it.' It's…it's Tai's that's blinking. Of all the things, I did not need the digital world today. It should be silent, like him. It won't be quiet even though I'm banging it hard on the wood. Shut off! It just gets louder and louder, and I feel like I'm losing it again. Not tears, never tears again. Just having trouble breathing, seeing spots, arms straining to break that god damn thing into a million bits. With a flash, the thing lights up, flicking my computer on, some strange little box flashing on the screen. It's powerful and I can feel the electricity.
It's black as I barely feel a pull. Thud. Shit, it hurts. I crack open an eye, watching the trees sway around me, the gaping mouth of a cave in front of me. I'm lying in the dirt, a swirling hole above me. It fades and then it's gone. I don't know what a nervous breakdown feels like, but I think I'm having one. Of all the days, this comes on the one that I don't have proper control of myself. I don't want to be here again, because I know 'here' is the Digital World. Without even time to get myself properly straightened, his digivice pulls me into the cave, physically dragging me down into the belly of the cavern. I don't want to go but I can't bring myself to let go of his digivice. It just keeps pulling me farther in.
A shaft of light rains from the ceiling of the open chamber, something like a giant egg on the ground. It glows that orange, his orange. And it has his crest on it, bigger. I hate this. I thought it was all over, the portal would be closed forever. Then why am I here? To be forced to remember all that pain again, being surrounded by his crest and digivice and colour. I can feel the anger rising up in me, a red burning flood. So fucking angry. Raising a large rock from the ground, I pounce at the egg, channeling all my energy into smashing away the symbol, swatting away the orange. And of course, it stays intact beaming in triumph. I drop the rock in frustration. Rubbing my face harshly, I circle around it a little, all this anxiety and rage threatening to unravel me. And still, the digivice pulls me toward the egg. It gives its shrill little beep from across the floor where I threw it. I can't help myself; I'm inching toward the egg, my fingers reaching out for it. And when I brush the warm shell, it…it feels like him, not really in the physical sense, but it sort of does. I can't explain it, but it's him that I'm touching. I pull my arms around the egg, hugging it close, and I can swear I can smell him and hear his voice, my heart thrumming inside me like a guitar string.
And then abruptly, almost cruelly, the sensations disappear, the egg gets colder. And I'm empty again, and angry again. Is there something I've done that made me deserve all this? The egg breaks open, three solid beams of light shooting out, swirling around me and hurtling toward the entrance to the cave. His digivice stops screaming after they leave and I'm left alone in the silent dark, even the illumination from above gone. Alone… A hysterical laugh comes up from my stomach because with startling realization, I know this is actually the perfect place to break down.
_________________________________________
(Tai's POV)
I sigh exasperated, all the words running together in my vision. I raise my voice. "Gennai!" His calm face appears in the doorway, not exactly human I know now, but comforting all the same.
"Yes, Taichi?"
There's fish outside the window, but above that are friends, a game of soccer waiting to be played. "Can't I do this later? I don't even understand why I have to do any of this."
He gives me his patient look, a look I'm really beginning to hate. "Now, Taichi, I've explained this all too often. Just because you're not in your world doesn't mean you don't need an education." I open my mouth to question his ridiculous logic, but he thins his lips and I know it's a dead cause. "You can go play with the Gazimon after you've finished reading your novel." With a strange amusing thought I wonder if my real parents were this strict. I can remember them now, not in the most definite of terms, but I know what they look like, what they sound like, just that I can't recall any event in my life involving them. Gennai says it's something that will be better with time, my memory I mean. Sometimes he mutters under his breath that I'd remember better if I had someone alive from my past that I could interact with. I used to think that was a great idea, and dreamt up scenarios about meeting Takeru or Kari or Sora or Yamato. But now…now I don't really want to see them, not that much anyway. I've got digimon friends and I've got Gennai and all the weird Digital World. A long time ago I said this was my new life and it is. So that's how I'm going to live it. I go back to staring at the book, going into skim mode and flipping aimlessly through the leaves.
Half an hour later, I'm pressing a button by the front door, the lake parting for my escape. A quick cautious look around, I slip through the door, ball underneath my arm, running up the steps. I can swear Gennai's watching me but I don't see him. Either way, I meet the Gazimon at the lakeshore before the water closes in again. This is going to be a great game…
_______________________________________________
Tired, so very tired and bruised a little. As I said, it was a great game; of course I won. I slump exhausted onto the nearest couch and let my feet dangle over the armrest. All I want to do is sleep for a week, but the stupid thingie rings, the box near the door that tells us when someone needs to talk to us. "Gennai?" There's no answer and I bet he's hunched over his books and files again. Aching, I go to the monitor and look who's calling. It's an Agumon; I wonder what it wants. I press the button and watch the water divide itself. I swear no matter how many times I see that, I'll never get used to it. There's a knock at the door and I open it. "Yes?" The dinosaur digimon looks up at me, startled, actually very startled. He opens his mouth but then shuts it. I wonder what's wrong. "Is there something I can do for you, Agumon?" He trembles a little at my question, trying to piece together some answer. I look at the menacing walls of water and pull him inside, the quick rush coming as the door closes. He's still speechless. "Agumon?"
A small, strangely terrified voice. "T-Tai?"
He knows my name; I wonder if I've met him before. "Yeah?" A bright burst of light, a hard force into my stomach, and I'm lying on my back on the floor. "Whoa!" I'm being squeezed really hard, painfully hard. He's hugging me like Kawagamon's jaws. "Hey, hey what's wrong?" Wetness, he's crying? And he's shuddering and his small arms are still pinching me tight. I look around helplessly, unable to really move, confused a lot. I can hear a screeching sound in my head, but I don't know where it's from. "Gennai?" No return. Louder. "Gennai!"
Soft padding footsteps, his wrinkled face looks surprised as he sees me trapped. "Agumon! Why I've been looking for you for years."
What? My head feels cluttered again; Gennai knows him too then. Only I don't. I frown, partly in frustration, partly in not getting enough air. "Agumon, can you let go?" He doesn't, and I struggle in vain. Only Gennai laughs. "What's so funny? I'm dying here!"
Finally after what seems like eternity, I sit up and gulp in a grateful breath, watching with growing discomfort as a teary Agumon looks me up and down. I look questioningly at Gennai who only beams back. I turn back to the digimon, an image of Greymon coming to mind. He digivolves to Greymon. "Are you better Agumon?" Apparently not as he attaches himself to my neck again. "Hey watch the claws."
A shaky laugh and he pulls away. "Is it really you Taichi?"
I nod, letting my mind drift aimlessly between confusion and instinct. "Sure is."
"We thought you were dead…"
There's something like intimacy in his words, like we were on really closer terms. And almost tentatively, I remember that my partner digimon was an Agumon. And even if it's just a stab in the dark, I lean over to hug him, a king of awkward rigid little thing. "No, just lost for a while I guess. Long time no see." He gratefully tightens his own grip, sharp claws pressing into the back of my neck. This is definitely not a safe position. "Okay, okay, enough mush. Let's get me off the ground huh?"
_________________________________________
We're sitting comfortably in the living room, after having answered all of Agumon's questions. He still looks at me strangely, maybe a little sad that I can't remember much, but he always ends the stare with a smile. I'm already starting to feel connected to him again. "Agumon, what were you doing here in the first place?"
He's confused for an instant trying to remember. His face hardens as much as I can anyway. "It's the portal. Someone broke the lock; he's taking over all this land and capturing digimon. He calls himself the Kaiser."
Gennai looks concernedly at me, talking with his careful drawl. "I was afraid this would happen; the summoning has begun then?"
"What summoning?" As if an answer to my question, my crest (as Gennai calls it) starts to glow, not that feeble light I sometimes see, but a sharp, heated orange, transparent fire. I close my eyes and feel someone else near me, but the person's not close, close but far too. I know I know this person, that I he's important, but the light and feelings disappear. I slide my eyes open. "What's going on Gennai?"
He doesn't hear me, opting to stare blindly in front of him and his silence is all I need to be afraid.
__________________________________________
Author's Notes: So that's it. Just one more chapter of first person…bear with it a little longer? I'm getting fed up with it too. Grr…