Author's Notes: Alright, this was most unexpectedly a long break. I have no excuses, but in consolation this is rather a big chapter, lengthwise and plotwise.
Big, big arigatous to: Ichigo Pocky (thanks for the spelling lesson), nEo-cHaN, Amsylva12, Redvind, star, Angel Ran (wow, thanks…characterization has always been my archnemesis), sakura blossoms4, nightshadow1, Lil Gold Fishie (thanks for the reviews…as for taito, probably in a couple of chapters…maybe?), Melchior the Mewthree (on behalf of my ass…ow.), fairy of irrelevance, TOTAL TAITO FAN, kashiichan.
Also, while 'okaa-san' and 'otou-san' are generally used for other people's parents and 'chichi' and 'haha' are for one's own father and mother, respectively, I use 'okaa-san' and 'otou-san' in place of 'haha' and 'chichi' as they are much better known to fanfiction writers and sound better to me. *shrug* Besides, I'm not sure but I have heard them used in that context somewhere…probably in some anime or another…
Disclaimer: Digimon is not mine.
ReoccurrenceChapter 11: A New Start
Taichi stared without appetite at the full plate in front of him. His back was too rigid and hands too tightly wrapped around the chopsticks and napkin to be comfortable. The man and woman across from him smiled reassuringly all throughout the meal, trying to get him to take part of the conversation, but he had nothing to say.
Hikari was trying to distract their well-intentioned entreaties by talking about her day, and asking them about their jobs. But the woman, kaa-san, as she told Taichi to call her, kept trying to engage Taichi in conversation. Was the food all right? Did he want a soda? Doesn't this look wonderful Taichi? He responded in stilted unwilling fashion. The air was rapidly becoming uncomfortable between all of them, strained and tilted to an axis. The man, his father, was trying to distract him with food, making all sorts or random comments from taste to preparation. If anything, it made Taichi want to eat less.
It had been like this the entire day. Questions, observations, hopeful and miserable looks, all directed towards him. He hated it more than ever, and it strengthened his resolve to leave. Hikari couldn't be his buffer anymore, not when it came to her own parents. Taichi couldn't think of them as his. Gennai had never made him so miserable just by trying to start up a conversation. If he had to hear another time about how worried they were about how skinny he looked, or how they were going to get a tutor and the works and enroll him in school next month, and how they were going to take days off work to do whatever he wanted... And all he really wanted was to leave and forget. He had forced answers to their questions, but they were never quite satisfied; he tried to smile at them all the time, but that didn't seem to work either. Simply he didn't understand them, and they didn't understand him. Simple, heart wrenching miscommunication.
And this, Taichi realized, was really the end. Here he sat at a table in the middle of a busy restaurant, with his parents trying to celebrate his return, and he was terrified and angry. There Hikari was sitting across from him, giving him alternating smiles and anxious looks, and he couldn't calm himself for her sake. A day into this new adventure and he was sick of it; there was too much to ask of him, and too much to adapt to, and he didn't like it one bit. He sat stolidly and dumbly picking at his dinner, forcing out the occasional unwilling answer, and took solace in the knowledge that before the night was over, he'd be back home with Gennai and Agumon. Not surprisingly the mood at the table quickly soured and all the occupants became extremely aware of the oppressive and hostile air around them. The celebration trailed off until it was unnerving just to sit around the table eating. Dinner ended soon afterwards and Taichi found himself in the car heading back to Hikari's apartment.
To give the man and woman credit, they didn't give up easily. They pushed themselves to smile and joke and try to persuade Taichi into cooperation with dessert and movies, whatever he wanted. And what he wanted, he wanted to tell them, was something they couldn't provide him. He wanted to go home. He stubbornly declined every offer and sat in stifling anticipation of reaching the apartment.
Once they were back, Taichi realized he had to act quickly and carefully. He made his way to his room and fished out his digivice and concealed it in his back pocket. The adults were still in the living room, murmuring in low tones. Taichi hoped that Hikari was with them. If he could sneak into her room and access the computer, all would go well. He didn't dare give anyone a hint of what he planned to do. He knew undoubtedly, they would stop him. Even Hikari, who stood behind him in so many decisions these past weeks, would hold him back. Luck was with him; Hikari's room was dark and empty. The computer sat on the desk waiting for him and he flicked it on. His heart raced as he accessed the gate, and he was overcome by a breathless flood of feelings. Excitement, relief, even some disconcerting regret. But it was hope that dominated, bright and intoxicating in his thoughts. Home was beyond this small square of pixilated blue static. And once he was home, everything would be alright and nothing could ever upset him again. He pulled out his digivice and held it stiffly in front of him. There was nothing here for him, and he didn't even bother to take a final look around the room before his eyes were overrun by impossible colours and he was back on the firm yet yielding grassy lands of the Digital world.
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Hikari felt her back aching for the strength she put into locking her emotions down and sitting rigidly as her parents were talking urgently back and forth. It was obvious to everyone that today was a failure, and her parents were now recriminating themselves for pushing for too much too soon. And yet, there was this horrible undertone in their words that sounded like optimism. Hard and inflexible hope that soon, the past four years would be nothing but a dim memory, and that Taichi would once again start his life where it left off. It was a cruel and malicious hope. Hikari for one knew that kind of hope; it had strengthened itself with the faith she'd always had in her brother into a strong denial. It had suffered a major blow when she realized how different Taichi was now, but ultimately began to heal itself after that one day in Yamato's apartment, when they really started to get close again. But tonight, even from this morning, it was chipping away again. And here she sat listening to the plans and worries and expectations of her parents, with her own hope suddenly in danger of leaving her altogether.
She got up and excused herself, afraid that if she felt the pain of her parents, she would find herself back where she had been four years ago when they told her Taichi was dead. She refused to know the grief again. The door to Taichi's room was ajar and she briefly considered whether she wanted to bother him. The need for reassurance won out and she knocked lightly on his door. There was no answer for there was no one inside. The room was exactly how it had been for these past few years; it was as if Taichi had made no mark on it, as if he were only a brief lodger. Tentative dread seeped through her more vulnerable thoughts, and she squashed it forcibly. Her search continued through the kitchen, into the bathroom and even her parents' room. It only left her room unsearched and she was now afraid of what she would find. Fear had twisted itself inside her so tightly that her fingers moved jerkily and unsteadily to the doorknob. She turned it slowly and pushed the door inward. Only the dim glow of the computer screen greeted her.
Panic assailed her at the sight of the room, because that meant she had searched everywhere, and Taichi was gone. Again. Some horrible feeling burst inside her and grew out around her insides, and pulled, so viciously that her breath hitched halfway in exhalation. It was desperation she found out later, this dizzying nauseous feeling. She had lost her brother again; he was gone, as suddenly and without warning as the first time. She could not bear the loss again. The thought of her parents' pain and her own pressed upon her like a heavy cloak, shifting and hot and smothering. She fought against it, the helplessness, the terror. She forced air through her mouth and lungs and focused, stared hard at the computer screen for distraction. It was only then that the rational center of her mind noticed that the digital gate was open, and that in the memories half frightened out of her head, she knew she had turned the computer off before they had went to dinner.
She concentrated on that thread, fitting the pieces together, anything to cast off the crazed panic still stirring in her head. If Taichi was gone and the gate was open… But her digivice was still on the table… But Yamato had given Taichi his old one back; Taichi had showed it to her. And that meant… The conclusion spurred her into action, thawing her frozen muscles. Desperation had bred a new kind of fierce determination. She would get Taichi back home, by any means, because if she didn't… She wanted to throw up at the possibilities. He would be back because it was too cruel to suffer through his death twice. She snatched up the phone and began dialing, numbers running through her head. She couldn't follow him herself, not if she was to be here keeping her parents from learning the truth.
The phone range two times before it was answered, and Yamato's lazy 'Yeah?' echoed across the line.
It was strange to Hikari, that no matter how focused she had suddenly become in her actions, she couldn't find a way to control her voice. It was shrill and it was half crazed with worry and, she realized, anger. How could Taichi be so heartless as to put everyone through this again? She babbled on with failing control. Yamato had to tell her to slow down three times before she was able to choke across the pertinent information. Taichi had really run away this time, back to the digiworld, back to Gennai.
Yamato cursed like a storm when he had finally gathered the gist of Hikari's turmoil. It seemed oddly appropriate his foul words and angry swears. If there was anyone else who knew how I feel, it'd be Yamato, Hikari thought dimly as her words bubbled and dissolved into thick sounds that walked the fine line between words and sobs. She wasn't sure what exactly Yamato had proposed to say to Taichi, but she knew he was going after him. She listened to the dial tone in a trance, battling for self-control, because she knew it was going to take everything out of her to keep her parents from learning what had happened.
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Taichi sat on the end of his old bed, in the blue-black darkness of night, and the let the wetness run down his face. It was gone, he bitterly repeated in his head. There was no security here, not the same sense of rightness and belonging. He had set himself up for disappointment. Because he was tainted now of another life, and it had ruined his old one for him.
Gennai had been surprised to find him on his doorstep, surprised but welcoming. Taichi had hugged him and felt this overwhelming sense of relief. Burdens had seemed to slip off his shoulders. Gennai had asked him a few questions but seemed to already know why Taichi had arrived alone and unexpected in the middle of the night. If he had any critical words to say to Taichi, he kept them to himself, and Taichi was extremely grateful for it.
Taichi had run into his old room and all the other rooms of the house. It was all still familiar to him, though as he waited for the joy of being back where he belonged to rise to the surface, he realized that it wasn't coming. The house, his room didn't feel the same as it used to; there lacked the rightness that one should get with homecoming. Instead, as he touched his old furniture and belongings, he felt disassociated from them. They didn't have the same meaning anymore; how could they? This big black rock from the top of a mountain, the farthest he'd ever been away from home. He'd been farther now, in the depths of Odaiba. Or the random doodles that he kept as a way to amuse himself. How did they compare to television? Yes, he was ruined now, for both worlds. Caught between one he was supposed to belong in, and one that he wished he belonged in, though he knew now, he never would. And that was why he could feel the hot tears turning cold along his jaw. He had no home now, and he was as desolate as he had been waking up with no memories.
That was how Yamato found him, when he burst through Taichi's door. The blonde was furious, frightened and irrational. He didn't even see the painful lost look on Taichi's face and slammed the door shut with a violence that he hadn't mustered in over three years. "You bastard! You…fucking asshole!"
Taichi had jerked off the bed in surprise, and a touch of fear. Yamato looked…unleashed. "Y-Yamato, what—"
Yamato cut him off and stalked across the room, curling his fingers into the front of Taichi's shirt and pulled Taichi to him until he was only a few inches from Yamato's face. His eyes were as dangerous as his voice. "You little bastard. How could you do this? To everyone again. To Hikari!" Taichi flinched at Hikari's name and Yamato saw it for what it was. "You weren't thinking, were you? You stupid little shit. I could just kick the crap out of you right now. Everyone suffered so much when you we thought you were dead the first time. How could you just run away now? Couldn't you even imagine how much it would hurt us?" Yamato let go of Taichi then, blowing out a disgusted, exasperated breath and backing away a few spaces. "After all we did to help you settle back home, too."
Taichi shut his eyes and clenched his fists. He really hadn't given any though to the pain he'd cause. He owed Hikari more than that; he owed his friends more than that… But here Yamato was calling him ungrateful for being forced to be a person he wasn't. Forced to live in a strange new place that Yamato dared called 'home', a place that robbed him of his old home too… 'I have no home' he thought and he realized he had said it out loud. There was truth in it, and he repeated it, louder for Yamato to hear. "I have no home." Again, even louder, violent, with an intent to hurt Yamato. "I have no home! Not anymore! Thanks to you."
It worked and Yamato flinched as if struck. His anger flared even more. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"It means," Taichi said, caught up in the throes of anger, fear and mourning, "that everyone thought they could just bring me back and make me into the old Taichi. I don't even remember him, and I don't remember his life. And I couldn't handle it. And now that I'm back here, it's not the same. It's not!" Taichi brought a fist down on the bedside table, rattling the odds and ends on it. "It's different; it feels different. I don't have a home anymore. Not with Hikari, not with Gennai. I'm alone again." The thought burrowed its way inside of him and he resented it more and more. He actually lunged at Yamato, if only to drive the thought away. "It's all your fault!"
Yamato was caught unprepared for the attack and fell back on to the ground, with Taichi scrabbling over him, trying to punch him. He managed to catch one of Taichi's wrists and tried to leverage his body up and tumble Taichi off of him before the other fist could connect. He finally managed to gain a good foothold against the floor and pushed upward, sending Taichi off balance long enough to knock him over and pin him to the ground. Even then Taichi struggled, his free hand punching Yamato squarely on the shoulder. Yamato winced and kneed Taichi in the stomach in return, with more force than necessary. The fight seeped away as Taichi grimaced in pain and breathlessness, panting and hissing. Yamato released both of Taichi's hands and got up off him. "Look," he said, breathing hard and rubbing the painful spot on his shoulder while retreating to the other side of the room to sit on the bed. "Obviously we've got stuff to talk about, so let's talk. Leave the fists out of it, alright?"
"Talk? You want to talk?" Taichi's voice was rough and thick. When he turned to Yamato, his face was scarred by tears. Ugly, ruined. Yamato knew the look; it was one that was full of hate and anger, but was made that much more inhuman by the sheer pain of helplessness. He realized quite late then, that what had seemed so easy to him, had taken a vicious toll on Taichi. Taichi turned away, stubbornly silent.
Yamato sighed and the fight, the willingness to attack Taichi for being so heartless and stupid, left him. How could you hurt someone already broken? He got up off the bed and made his way over to Taichi. "Come on Taichi, we've got to get this out in the open." He kept his voice low and laid a tentative hand on Taichi's shoulder.
Taichi shuddered with the contact and threw it off. He pulled himself to sit up and wiped a hand across his face. The look was gone, and it left behind a tired and uncertain boy. "What is there to say?"
Yamato was at a loss for words. What was there to say? Come back? I'm sorry? They had little use for Taichi at this point. He tried again to put a hand on Taichi's shoulder, and it was left alone this time. "We need you Taichi, your friends, your family. We've been pushing you too hard…I guess I didn't realize it till just now. I don't know…it was too tempting to pick up where we left off. It's just hard to see you now and not see who you were."
"But I'm not him. I'll never be him again."
Yamato was beginning to feel exasperated again. "We can work at it, slowly this time."
Taichi looked up at Yamato with a hopeless anger. He deliberately picked up Yamato's hand off his shoulder and dropped it. "No, we can't. That's what you don't get, what no one gets. This…this old Taichi; he was four years ago. Even if I do get all my memories back, I'll have had four years worth of new memories being me, this Taichi. I will never be the old Taichi again. Never. Can't you get that?"
Yamato froze. There was a horrible truth in those words. If Taichi couldn't return to normal, to the old Taichi, Yamato amended, then…then what? He really had lost the one he loved, hadn't he? That person was really gone, wasn't he? Yamato closed his eyes tight until they hurt and felt whatever hopes he had built for himself dying. It only left the truth, and it was harsh. "Yes," he replied after a long time, "I get that now." He felt cold and wrung out, but even in this fresh pain, he would struggle to stay Taichi's friend. In a way, they were in the same boat, stuck in the shadow of a person that didn't exist anymore. "I want you to be whoever you turn out to be Taichi. It doesn't matter who we try to mould you into." The slightest pause. "Not anymore," he added to drive the truth in deeper for himself. "But you do have a home and a lot of people who are willing to do anything to make you happy. I won't let you make them suffer."
"What if I can't adjust?" Taichi's voice was hoarse and rough, uncertain.
"You will. It'll take time, but you'll stop being afraid of doing wrong, and you'll find your own way." Yamato smiled a little as a memory resurfaced, even through the pain of picturing his Taichi. "There was a time when you had made a mistake of digivolving Agumon into Skullgreymon; you were so worried it would happen again, you wouldn't let yourself try the next time. But you got past that because sometimes you just need to do things, no matter how terrifying they are."
Taichi frowned in concentration and looked up to meet Yamato's gaze. "I…I almost remember a little bit of that…it was like that when I tried to ride a bike…I think."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"So, are you coming back Taichi?"
Taichi looked about his room for a while and sighing, slowly stood up. He felt he was going to miss this, terribly, but it wasn't where he belonged. "I think I have to, don't I?"
"Yeah, you do. But I'll help you anyway I can, and I know everyone else will too."
"Thanks, Yamato."
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Hikari felt that she was near the end of her nerve. She had told her parents she and Taichi were having a long private conversation and that had bought her some time. Her parents couldn't very well refuse a request for her to have some alone time with her brother. But that was over an hour ago, and it was nearly 10:30. She had locked the door and occasionally strained to make some loud remark to keep up the charade, but for every minute that the gate stayed closed, was another minute less she could keep this up. What would happen if Taichi never returned? How could she deal with it again?
Her computer beeped as she finished that thought and before she could even feel the first stirring of hope, two people had flashed into existence. Yamato was brushing off dirt from his pants and Taichi stood behind him, looking haggard but in one piece. Hikari's first instinct was to hug him, and she did, with the cool relief washing away the tension and fear and leaving her drained and empty in its wake. The strict command she forced on her emotions to keep up the ruse failed her and she thankfully let it go. Then she cried, quietly but so hard, as if she had never cried before. But as her tears dried up, her choked words became louder and she was releasing all her trapped anger too, banging her fists into Taichi's chest, as hard as she could despite her muscles feeling undone and useless. "Why?" she threw at him over and over again.
Taichi stayed silent and when she looked up, he was looking down at her with a tortured look on his face. "I'm sorry," he whispered and hugged her. There was nothing he could say to defend himself; he had caused his own sister such pain. "I'm sorry…so sorry."
If Hikari heard his repeated apologies, she made no acknowledgement. She was too spent to talk, and she clung onto Taichi listlessly to keep from sinking to the ground.
Taichi maneuvered them both onto the bed and kept a hand around her shoulder to steady her. The three of them remained in unbroken silence until there was a knocking on Hikari's door. The doorknob rattled and Yamato cursed and hid himself in the closet. When Hikari's parents had finally found a key and opened the door, there was only Taichi and Hikari in the room, sitting on the bed. Hikari was already asleep, having tapped every last reserve she had, and Taichi was sitting in dark contemplative silence by her side, still keeping her upright with his arm.
"Taichi?" the woman asked softly.
"Hai…kaa-san," he ventured, feeling the strange appellation on his lips. The woman broke out into a misty grin and he realized very acutely that Yamato was right. A lot of people cared for him here.
"Is Hikari asleep?"
Taichi looked at Hikari and carefully laid her back. "Oh yeah." He yawned as an afterthought. "I think I should go to bed too; I'm tired."
"Of course," said the man. "Good night."
"Night." Taichi watched them leave the room and make their way down the hall. He got up and pulled the blankets over Hikari. "Do you need my help to get out of here?"
"No, I'm fine." Yamato stepped out of the closet and indicated the computer with his head. "I left my computer on…I should be able to jump back there."
"Oh, right." Taichi stood there awkwardly, staring down at his feet. "Just…thanks…thanks for…"
"No problem Taichi. Just remember that we're all here to help, if you ask." He almost raised a hand to rest on Taichi's shoulder, but he had his own pain that was smouldering in his depths. His arm instead fished out his digivice. "Night, Taichi."
"Night, Yamato." Yamato disappeared, and Taichi shut down the computer. He stared at the blank screen for a while and sighed. This was it, wasn't it? No place to run back to, no other options. He had to really tough it out this time; it was frightening, but it had to be done. He made his way out of the room and shut off Hikari's light. Tomorrow was another challenge, and for all the faith Yamato and Hikari had in him, he was going to meet it head on.
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Author's Notes: Oi, that took a lot out of me. Who knows when the next update will be, but I shouldn't think it'll be as long as the last huge wait… Drop a review won't you?