Nightmares
Buffy dragged herself out of bed after another dream-filled night. Most of the details eluded her, as usual, with the light of day. She was left with an impression of gore and a deep sense of loss. And Spike's smile.
After standing under the scalding shower, trying to convince herself to face another day, Buffy got dressed and went out to the garage to watch Xander for awhile. Seeing the pieces take shape under his skillful hands was soothing somehow. The solidity of a table or an armoire grounded her. Plus she liked the smell of sawdust. It was a clean smell.
Xander glanced up as she walked in, "Hey, Buff."
"Hey."
He looked more closely and saw the circles under her eyes, the haunted look in them, and knew. "Dreams again, huh?" he asked quietly. She just nodded.
"Whatcha makin'?"
He realized she still wasn't ready to talk about them. He sure hoped that journal idea of Giles' worked. She'd been having the dreams for almost a year now. They had started on the anniversary of.... he had to force himself to say it, even inside his head... the end of Sunnydale. The end of the lives they had known -- the end of so many lives.
"It's an ottoman to go with the chair I made for Mrs. Travis last month. She ordered a coffee table too. She said she's going to redo the whole room around the chair." Xander turned his attention back to the wood he was measuring. It was where he found his comfort. In creation after all the destruction. "Where's Dawn? She studying?"
"Um... I'm not sure. I didn't actually look." Buffy felt the familiar twinge of guilt. She wasn't paying enough attention to Dawn. She wasn't paying enough attention to anything anymore. Even the slaying. She just went through the motions day after day, night after night. Get up, get dressed, eat when she remembered or someone told her to, wash dishes, do laundry, go grocery shopping, patrol. All without really noticing or caring. She was grateful that the Council had set up the trust fund before they blew up and she didn't have to find a job. At least they had done THAT right. She and Giles were taken care of for the rest of their lives.
"Movie night tonight?" Buffy jumped. She'd been lost in memories again, dreaming in the past.
"Oh... yeah... Willow's stopping at the video store on the way home. Wonder what she'll pick this time."
"Can't be any worse than the time she decided we all needed a light fluffy night and came home with Xanadu."
"Or what about the night she wanted us to stay up and watch the whole Herbie the Love Bug series."
Buffy and Xander shared a smile and he inwardly breathed a sigh of relief. It wasn't going to be one of the really hard days. *Good, she's had enough of those.*
"I'll let you get back to work. I'm gonna go check on Dawnie. She said something yesterday about wanting to go to the library. Maybe we'll go do that and I'll take her for some ice cream after, you know, to reconnect a little."
"Great idea. Don't forget to be back by four. You know how Giles gets if you're not here when he calls."
Buffy made a face and sighed. "I know, I know. I'll be here. It's hard to talk to him these days though. He asks all the hard questions. Like if I'm OK and if the dreams have stopped. I just wish I could remember the details. He wants me to work on that. Trying to write it down as soon as I wake up. He gets so frustrated with me when I tell him it's already blurry by then."
"He wants to help, Buff."
"Yeah. He always has. But I'm not sure anyone else can help on this one. It might be one I have to figure out on my own."
Xander shrugged and said "Maybe. Go have some fun with Dawn. You both need it."
"OK. We'll be back by four."
"OK." Xander watched Buffy's back as she headed back into the house. *We all want to help, but you won't let us in. I have dreams too, but they don't haunt me like yours do. Come back to us, Buffy. You're the glue that holds all of us together. If I had known that losing Spike would take so much of you away too, I'd have chloroformed HIM that night. Jeez, never thought I'd miss anything about him. But I miss the way he could make you laugh... the smile in your eyes.* He sighed and went back to his measuring.
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With dinner over, Buffy, Xander and Dawn plopped on the couch. Willow trailed behind and put the big bowl of popcorn on the coffee table where they could all easily reach it. It seemed like no matter how satisfying dinner was, movies just required popcorn. She had a mischievous light in her eyes as she pulled the video from the bag. "This is an oldie but a goodie, you guys." She took the video from the box and slid it into the VCR, then bent to turn on the television. The previous renter had failed to rewind and suddenly the strains of "Unchained Melody" filled the room and Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore were holding each other.
Buffy's eyes filled with tears, she let out a strangled sound, looked at Willow in dismay and bolted from the room. Willow was frozen in shock. She watched Buffy go as Xander grabbed the remote to hit the mute button.
"Smooth move, Wil. Not sure 'Ghost' would have been my first choice, you know, what with the nightmares and all."
"I-it wasn't. I m-mean, I didn't choose it. L-Look." She held out the box which read 'Ghostbusters'. "I thought it would be fun. You know, kind of Buffy-Lite. I better go see if she's ok."
"I'll go," Dawn said, getting up from the couch and climbing over Xander's legs. "I kinda need to blow my nose anyway." She stood outside Buffy's door and took a deep breath, expecting to hear sobbing from inside the room. Nothing. Uh-oh. This was going to be a hard one. She tapped gently and pushed the door open. "Buffy? They switched the tapes in the boxes at the store, it was supposted to be -- "
Buffy was sitting on the floor at the foot of the bed with her knees drawn up to her chest and her arms wrapped around them. The tears silently streamed down her face. Dawn reached to hug her, but Buffy didn't respond. "Buffy? Buffy!"
Buffy dragged herself out of bed after another dream-filled night. Most of the details eluded her, as usual, with the light of day. She was left with an impression of gore and a deep sense of loss. And Spike's smile.
After standing under the scalding shower, trying to convince herself to face another day, Buffy got dressed and went out to the garage to watch Xander for awhile. Seeing the pieces take shape under his skillful hands was soothing somehow. The solidity of a table or an armoire grounded her. Plus she liked the smell of sawdust. It was a clean smell.
Xander glanced up as she walked in, "Hey, Buff."
"Hey."
He looked more closely and saw the circles under her eyes, the haunted look in them, and knew. "Dreams again, huh?" he asked quietly. She just nodded.
"Whatcha makin'?"
He realized she still wasn't ready to talk about them. He sure hoped that journal idea of Giles' worked. She'd been having the dreams for almost a year now. They had started on the anniversary of.... he had to force himself to say it, even inside his head... the end of Sunnydale. The end of the lives they had known -- the end of so many lives.
"It's an ottoman to go with the chair I made for Mrs. Travis last month. She ordered a coffee table too. She said she's going to redo the whole room around the chair." Xander turned his attention back to the wood he was measuring. It was where he found his comfort. In creation after all the destruction. "Where's Dawn? She studying?"
"Um... I'm not sure. I didn't actually look." Buffy felt the familiar twinge of guilt. She wasn't paying enough attention to Dawn. She wasn't paying enough attention to anything anymore. Even the slaying. She just went through the motions day after day, night after night. Get up, get dressed, eat when she remembered or someone told her to, wash dishes, do laundry, go grocery shopping, patrol. All without really noticing or caring. She was grateful that the Council had set up the trust fund before they blew up and she didn't have to find a job. At least they had done THAT right. She and Giles were taken care of for the rest of their lives.
"Movie night tonight?" Buffy jumped. She'd been lost in memories again, dreaming in the past.
"Oh... yeah... Willow's stopping at the video store on the way home. Wonder what she'll pick this time."
"Can't be any worse than the time she decided we all needed a light fluffy night and came home with Xanadu."
"Or what about the night she wanted us to stay up and watch the whole Herbie the Love Bug series."
Buffy and Xander shared a smile and he inwardly breathed a sigh of relief. It wasn't going to be one of the really hard days. *Good, she's had enough of those.*
"I'll let you get back to work. I'm gonna go check on Dawnie. She said something yesterday about wanting to go to the library. Maybe we'll go do that and I'll take her for some ice cream after, you know, to reconnect a little."
"Great idea. Don't forget to be back by four. You know how Giles gets if you're not here when he calls."
Buffy made a face and sighed. "I know, I know. I'll be here. It's hard to talk to him these days though. He asks all the hard questions. Like if I'm OK and if the dreams have stopped. I just wish I could remember the details. He wants me to work on that. Trying to write it down as soon as I wake up. He gets so frustrated with me when I tell him it's already blurry by then."
"He wants to help, Buff."
"Yeah. He always has. But I'm not sure anyone else can help on this one. It might be one I have to figure out on my own."
Xander shrugged and said "Maybe. Go have some fun with Dawn. You both need it."
"OK. We'll be back by four."
"OK." Xander watched Buffy's back as she headed back into the house. *We all want to help, but you won't let us in. I have dreams too, but they don't haunt me like yours do. Come back to us, Buffy. You're the glue that holds all of us together. If I had known that losing Spike would take so much of you away too, I'd have chloroformed HIM that night. Jeez, never thought I'd miss anything about him. But I miss the way he could make you laugh... the smile in your eyes.* He sighed and went back to his measuring.
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With dinner over, Buffy, Xander and Dawn plopped on the couch. Willow trailed behind and put the big bowl of popcorn on the coffee table where they could all easily reach it. It seemed like no matter how satisfying dinner was, movies just required popcorn. She had a mischievous light in her eyes as she pulled the video from the bag. "This is an oldie but a goodie, you guys." She took the video from the box and slid it into the VCR, then bent to turn on the television. The previous renter had failed to rewind and suddenly the strains of "Unchained Melody" filled the room and Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore were holding each other.
Buffy's eyes filled with tears, she let out a strangled sound, looked at Willow in dismay and bolted from the room. Willow was frozen in shock. She watched Buffy go as Xander grabbed the remote to hit the mute button.
"Smooth move, Wil. Not sure 'Ghost' would have been my first choice, you know, what with the nightmares and all."
"I-it wasn't. I m-mean, I didn't choose it. L-Look." She held out the box which read 'Ghostbusters'. "I thought it would be fun. You know, kind of Buffy-Lite. I better go see if she's ok."
"I'll go," Dawn said, getting up from the couch and climbing over Xander's legs. "I kinda need to blow my nose anyway." She stood outside Buffy's door and took a deep breath, expecting to hear sobbing from inside the room. Nothing. Uh-oh. This was going to be a hard one. She tapped gently and pushed the door open. "Buffy? They switched the tapes in the boxes at the store, it was supposted to be -- "
Buffy was sitting on the floor at the foot of the bed with her knees drawn up to her chest and her arms wrapped around them. The tears silently streamed down her face. Dawn reached to hug her, but Buffy didn't respond. "Buffy? Buffy!"