A/N: Ok, I know it's been a LOOOOOOONG time since I updated but I have been otherwise occupied and for that I apologise. Rotk was mad. I am happy :)
Boromir sighed and walked over to Legolas. It's the only way I'm going to get out of here, he repeatedly told himself. He sat down and forced himself to smile.
"So, I, uh, hear that you wanna get together with Aragorn…."
Legolas nodded.
"You want some help?"
Legolas eyed him suspiciously.
"You. Help. Me?"
Boromir shrugged.
"Sure. Why not?"
Legolas leapt up and hugged him enthusiastically. Boromir awkwardly hugged him back. Then, stepping back, he looked Legolas up and down. He shuddered when he got to his legs.
"Ok, the first thing we need to do is SHAVE THOSE LEGS!"
"SHAVE MY LEGS?!" Legolas cried, horrified. "But my legs aren't hairy!"
"Then what's this?"
Boromir yanked up the leg of his pants to reveal a leg sporting an abnormal forest of hair.
"That's your leg," Legolas stated calmly.
"Oh. Shit." Boromir did a double take. "No its not! That's your leg, Legolas Greenleaf!"
Legolas shattered into tiny little pieces.
"Ok! I admit it! My legs are hairy!"
Boromir consoled him whilst Sam hastily super
glued him back together.
"Don't worry. It's ok. We can fix your hair problems."
Legolas looked up at him hopefully. Well, as hopefully as an elf-shaped teapot could look.
Really?"
"Of course!" Boromir stood up and helped Legolas to his feet. He dragged Sam over to join them, and the three gathered together in a small huddle.
"Ok, now this is what we need to do," Boromir said, drawing a diagram in the dust on the floor. The three of them got into a line and began to sing and dance.
"Banana boat! Doo doo doo doo. Banana boat! Its 30 plus! Banana boat! It lasts for hours and hours and hours doo doo doo doo doo doo doo!"
Suddenly there was a loud, girlish scream.
"I HATE THAT SONG!!!!!" a booming voice boomed. "YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS, CAPTAIN BOROMIR!"
A blinding flash flashed. There was a deafening crash of thunder. The three screamed and hid behind Aragorn. The lights flickered creepily. Boromir grabbed onto Aragorn. Then everything was silent. The lights slowly went back to normal. Boromir looked around and found himself clinging onto Sam. He jumped back, sickened to his big toe. Sam winked knowingly.
"Aragorn!" Boromir shouted. "SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!"
To his absolute hunger, there was no response. He looked around tearfully.
"Aragorn?"
Legolas noticed his anguish and joined in on the cries.
"Aragorn?"
Boromir caught sight of an orc lying in the corner.
"Tell me where he is," Boromir demanded. "And I may ease your passing."
"Honey, I shrunk Aragorn!"
"You lie!" Legolas screamed. The orc cackled gleefully, then died. Out of the corner of his nose, Boromir noticed a small child huddled on the floor. He cautiously approached it and poked it. The child leapt up and bit him.
"OW!" Boromir screamed. "You stupid little c-"
Legolas gasped dramatically.
"It's true! This is mini-Aragorn!"
"Well make him un-mini!"
"I don't know how!"
"Ada!" Estel, also known as mini-Aragorn, sobbed. Boromir sighed.
"What does he want know?"
"He wants his father."
The light above Boromir's head stopped flicking and began to shine brightly.
"That's it!" Boromir declared. "We shall take him to his father!"
Pippin grumbled.
"Who died and made you leader?"
"Aragorn," Boromir retorted. Sam screamed in horror.
"ARAGORN'S DEAD!"
And with that, he swallowed the last mouthful of Frodo's strychnine and proceeded, quite vocally, to die slowly and painfully. Nobody noticed.
Steam began to pour from Legolas the teapot. He was thinking hard.
"Aragorn's father died when he was 2. He knows this. So why is he asking for his father?"
"He had to have had some form of a father," Pippin pointedly pointed out. He turned to Estel. "Who was your father?"
Estel raised an eyebrow in an accurate impersonation of Elrond. Boromir cackled madly whilst Pippin hastily re-safety pinned his sides.
"Rivendell it is," Boromir announced.