Where Do We Go From Here?
He stared down at his desk lost in memories as the students filed out of his last class of the day. He'd spent a sleepless night wondering what to say to Buffy -- trying to find the words to explain. But how could he even begin to explain when he didn't understand it himself? He sighed and shook his head. Time to go see Red. Maybe she'd have some insight.
He tapped lightly on the open office door, "Knock, knock."
"Who's there?" Willow returned with a smile. She and William had been playing this game all semester. He always had a great punchline.
"Yeh -- that's the question now, innit?"
"Wil-- Spi--" she laughed and said, "What should I call you?"
"Doesn't much matter, Red. We're both in here. Take your pick." She noticed that William's cultured tones had roughened a bit, and he sounded more like the Spike she remembered.
"Wow. What happened? Is it like Sybil? All split personality and trading control back and forth? Leaving notes for yourself? Arguing over who left the cap off the toothpaste?"
He managed a tiny smile, but it vanished quickly. "What happened? That's what I was hoping you could tell me. What it feels like -- well, it's hard to describe. It's not two personalities struggling over control. It's more like someone moved in and made some changes while I was on holiday and now I'm back, I'm trying to decide if I like the way they redecorated." He sighed, "So, do we ring up Giles and get him started on the research bit?"
"Actually, I can access the database from here, but somehow I don't think we're going to find much. What's the last thing you remember?"
"Of what? Sunnydale? Or Glenville?"
"Both."
"I watched Buffy leave, then things got real bright, then I was kissing her last night. My memories as William are intact. No gaps. They just sort of merged during the kiss. You think Buffy's been carrying me around inside her head for two and a half years and it took the kiss to let it out? She was the last thing I touched before things went all flamey."
"What, you mean like Spock and McCoy? You've spent way too much time with Andrew. And besides, he was all empty and stuff and McCoy was going insane from having him in his brain so they had to kidnap him and then steal the ship to go back to the Genesis planet to put Spock's essence back in his body, but Buffy hasn't been drinking blood or redoing the house Victorian or acting funny, which by the way you're looking at me, I obviously am." Willow realized she was rambling and stopped herself. "How come you didn't say anything to Buffy last night? She's missed you so much. We all have."
"No idea what to say. Afraid she wouldn't believe me -- might think I was a psycho playing some cruel game or sommat. She's been through enough. Didn't want to scare her."
"Ohh-- I hadn't even considered the idea that she wouldn't believe you. I knew right away it was you. And by the way, can I just say thank you for the whole saving-the-world thing?" She came over and pulled him into a hug, then reached up to kiss his cheek.
He froze. As Spike he was unused to that kind of treatment from any of the Scoobies. Then he allowed William's feelings to guide him, and he hugged her back. He was surprised to find tears in his eyes. She pulled back and looked up at him. "Let's get you home and start working on how to tell Buffy."
________________________________________________________________________
Buffy puttered around the house, but really didn't get much done. All she could do was think about that kiss. She'd been so sure she would never again feel anything close to what she had felt with Spike. They had fit together so perfectly. She had felt so safe in his arms, despite everything that had been happening those last few horrible days in Sunnydale. They'd always been able to predict each others' moves in fights -- whether they were fighting each other or a common enemy. He'd been able to see right through her. It had all felt so right. And now her world was upside down again. Could she really be that fickle?
Spike had been around for years showing her how he felt with everything he did, even to the point of sacrificing himself. And still she had refused to allow herself to love him -- or to admit it, anyway. Then along comes someone who looks a little like him and has an English accent, and suddenly she's falling for him. After one kiss? Was she just trying to replace him? Everyone else was paired off. Was she just lonely? Didn't Spike deserve better than that? Didn't his memory deserve more respect? Didn't William deserve better than being a replacement?
She sat down on her bed and picked up Spike's picture. *I miss you. I think of you every day. I thought it would get easier, but it doesn't really. It just gets further away. What should I do? He's a good man, like you were. We've become friends -- just like we did, but I never admitted it until the very end. I could probably love him if I let myself. Just like you. You were so easy to love once I let it happen, but by then you were gone. Why does everyone I love leave me? I know you wouldn't have if it had been up to you, but it happened anyway. I don't think I can take that again. There's already too many empty places in my heart. My friends stay though. And friends are good to have. Friends. Yup, friends. We'll keep it that way. Besides, how would I ever explain the whole Slayer thing?*
She replaced the picture with her decision made. No more smoochies with William. Friends was what they were and friends was all they'd ever be. Now all she had to do was figure out how to tell him. This was going to be almost as hard as it would be to tell him about being the Slayer.
________________________________________________________________________
Dinner Saturday night. That was when he was going to put the plan he and Willow had come up with into action. It was time to start courting Buffy. He'd start dropping little hints into the conversations, too. Bits and pieces of things they'd shared over the years. Maybe she'd figure it out on her own and he wouldn't have to find the words to tell her. He had to be careful though. He couldn't bear to see that look again -- the one where she thought he was sick and perverted. The one she used to give him when she caught him under her window or following her.
He sighed as he put the phone down. She had cancelled their date. She claimed it was because she had things to do because Christmas was getting so close, but he knew better. He had heard the tension in her voice. The comfort level that had been there was gone. She was pulling away, just like she always had when he had gotten too close. He didn't want to spend another two or three years proving himself to her. He'd been through that once. He didn't think he could stand being near her and not having her. Maybe if he just took the plunge and told her he was back, they could pick up where they'd left off. The "after" they'd discussed so briefly back when neither of them thought there would be an "after". He sighed again and shook his head. He knew he'd let her set the pace for awhile, proving to himself once again that he was still love's bitch, scrambling after any crumb Buffy could be persuaded to drop.
________________________________________________________________________
The weeks slipped by. He still came to dinner on Thursdays, but Buffy always seemed to have other plans for Saturday nights. She even found an excuse to miss one of the Thursdays, but Willow made a point of letting him know that he was still welcome. Their secret was closely guarded, but Xander and Dawn began to suspect there was something they weren't saying.
Finally, the Friday morning after Buffy had avoided Thursday's dinner with an obviously contrived excuse, Dawn turned to Willow on the way to school. "OK, what's going on? I'm not fifteen anymore and you guys promised no more secrets."
"G-going on? Umm... with what, Dawnie?" Willow didn't even manage to sound convincing to herself, and Dawn just glared at her.
"You know exactly what I mean. Buffy and William. They're not spending near as much time together as they were, and now it even seems like she's avoiding him. Why? I thought they were great together. What happened? What did I miss? You know Buffy's not going to tell me."
Willow sighed. How could she help Dawn figure it out without betraying Spike? "Well, um, do you remember the day I put up the mistletoe?"
"Yeah. You said those two needed a push and you thought maybe that was a good way to do it without being obvious."
"Right. Do you remember what happened when they kissed? Or what William said?"
"Not particularly. I was pretty wrapped up in that paper I had due the next day. Didn't he say something about how glad he was you put it up? I thought that was kinda funny -- you know, because of you and all the herbs and stuff you used to have around. Mistletoe isn't really used all that much magically, is it?"
"There's a few spells that use it, but, um, Dawnie, can you try real hard to remember exactly what he said? I'm giving you everything I can without breaking a promise."
Dawn closed her eyes and tried to picture that night. "Buffy said he looked like he'd seen a ghost. And then he said something about the mistletoe, about how powerful it was, and how if he'd known that, he'd have had-- " Her eyes flew open. "RED! He called you Red. Only Spike ever called you that."
Willow nodded. "Have you noticed anything, um, different about William since that night?" Willow was trying to keep one eye on the road and one on Dawn. She knew she was starting to figure it out and wanted to see what Dawn's reaction was going to be.
Dawn closed her eyes once more and pictured William. She saw him the way he was last night -- talkative, comfortable, but fidgety and pacing with catlike grace, especially when Buffy had called to say she wouldn't be there for dinner. Then she pictured him the first time Willow had invited him over when they ran into each other at school -- quiet, timid, a little clumsy and unsure of himself. She reached way back and pulled up a mental image of Spike from Sunnydale -- always talking, always pacing, always in motion, but so graceful. Her eyes flew open. "Oh my Go-- Spike. William really is Spike, isn't he? How? Why didn't he tell us when we met him in Sunnydale? Wait-- he has amnesia, doesn't he? He doesn't know he's Spike and that's why Buffy is staying away from him. She doesn't know how to tell him he used to be a vampire. Right?"
"Slow down, Dawnie. Now remember, I didn't tell you any of this. You figured it out yourself, right? Or at least you asked me questions and I have a responsibility to correct things you might have wrong so you don't say the wrong thing to someone, right? OK. Yes, William is Spike. No, he doesn't have amnesia. He kind of did before, but now he remembers everything. But he remembers everything about being William too. He's both. And no, Buffy doesn't know and that isn't why she's staying away from him. She hasn't really told me exactly, but I think she feels guilty. I know that look. And guilt makes you do strange things."
"Guilty? About what? Leaving him in the school?"
"No. Remember, she doesn't know William is Spike. I think she feels guilty that she's starting to fall in love again. Like she's not being faithful to Spike's memory. I felt that way with Kennedy at first. It was really hard to let go of Tara, even though she was gone."
"She would have wanted you to be happy," Dawn said quietly and reached over to rest her hand on Willow's shoulder.
"I know," Willow smiled her thanks. "I knew then, but that didn't change what I was feeling.
"You have to admit, most of the time, Buffy wasn't exactly nice to Spike. Even after everything he did for her, for all of us. I think she might feel she shouldn't love anyone else because she never showed Spike how she felt. That she doesn't deserve to be in love. Or maybe she's afraid he'll leave. She says that sometimes when she's feeling really down. She says only her friends stay, but all the men she loves leave her."
Dawn shook her head, "Why does love have to be so complicated? Why can't everyone just find the right person, fall in love and live happily ever after?"
Willow laughed and shrugged, "Sounds good in theory, but I think it would end up being boring."
"So when's he gonna tell her? Finally, they can both be happy!"
"He's letting her set the pace. I'm not sure it's the best idea, but you know how Spike is. It won't last. He'll snap. I sure hope it's soon though. I'm getting tired of being in the middle. And I'm so glad you know now. I hated not telling you. But you can't tell Buffy. You have to let him do it his way."
"I know. I will. But I can tell him I know, right?"
"Give it a little time. He'll slip like he did with me. You just have to be listening for it. I think he wants to. It must be hard not telling."
"OK. I'll wait, but it's gonna be tough." They shared a smile as they gathered their things from the car. "See you later, Wil. Have a good day."
"You too, Dawnie. Christmas vacation next week. I can't wait! See you at four."
_____________________________________________________________________
Flick. Click. Flick. Click. Flick. Click.
Spike stared into space as the light glinted off the object in his hand. Christmas was just a few days away, and Buffy had turned avoiding him into an art-form. Willow thought he should tell her, but if she was never around, how could he?
Maybe he should start lurking under the tree in the front yard. No, that hadn't worked very well the last time.
He'd wait a little longer. Maybe by New Year's Eve he'd have a chance to talk to her, if she'd stay in the same room long enough.
Flick. Click. He sighed and tossed the black velvet jeweler's box on the table and got up to turn off the light and go to bed.
He stared down at his desk lost in memories as the students filed out of his last class of the day. He'd spent a sleepless night wondering what to say to Buffy -- trying to find the words to explain. But how could he even begin to explain when he didn't understand it himself? He sighed and shook his head. Time to go see Red. Maybe she'd have some insight.
He tapped lightly on the open office door, "Knock, knock."
"Who's there?" Willow returned with a smile. She and William had been playing this game all semester. He always had a great punchline.
"Yeh -- that's the question now, innit?"
"Wil-- Spi--" she laughed and said, "What should I call you?"
"Doesn't much matter, Red. We're both in here. Take your pick." She noticed that William's cultured tones had roughened a bit, and he sounded more like the Spike she remembered.
"Wow. What happened? Is it like Sybil? All split personality and trading control back and forth? Leaving notes for yourself? Arguing over who left the cap off the toothpaste?"
He managed a tiny smile, but it vanished quickly. "What happened? That's what I was hoping you could tell me. What it feels like -- well, it's hard to describe. It's not two personalities struggling over control. It's more like someone moved in and made some changes while I was on holiday and now I'm back, I'm trying to decide if I like the way they redecorated." He sighed, "So, do we ring up Giles and get him started on the research bit?"
"Actually, I can access the database from here, but somehow I don't think we're going to find much. What's the last thing you remember?"
"Of what? Sunnydale? Or Glenville?"
"Both."
"I watched Buffy leave, then things got real bright, then I was kissing her last night. My memories as William are intact. No gaps. They just sort of merged during the kiss. You think Buffy's been carrying me around inside her head for two and a half years and it took the kiss to let it out? She was the last thing I touched before things went all flamey."
"What, you mean like Spock and McCoy? You've spent way too much time with Andrew. And besides, he was all empty and stuff and McCoy was going insane from having him in his brain so they had to kidnap him and then steal the ship to go back to the Genesis planet to put Spock's essence back in his body, but Buffy hasn't been drinking blood or redoing the house Victorian or acting funny, which by the way you're looking at me, I obviously am." Willow realized she was rambling and stopped herself. "How come you didn't say anything to Buffy last night? She's missed you so much. We all have."
"No idea what to say. Afraid she wouldn't believe me -- might think I was a psycho playing some cruel game or sommat. She's been through enough. Didn't want to scare her."
"Ohh-- I hadn't even considered the idea that she wouldn't believe you. I knew right away it was you. And by the way, can I just say thank you for the whole saving-the-world thing?" She came over and pulled him into a hug, then reached up to kiss his cheek.
He froze. As Spike he was unused to that kind of treatment from any of the Scoobies. Then he allowed William's feelings to guide him, and he hugged her back. He was surprised to find tears in his eyes. She pulled back and looked up at him. "Let's get you home and start working on how to tell Buffy."
________________________________________________________________________
Buffy puttered around the house, but really didn't get much done. All she could do was think about that kiss. She'd been so sure she would never again feel anything close to what she had felt with Spike. They had fit together so perfectly. She had felt so safe in his arms, despite everything that had been happening those last few horrible days in Sunnydale. They'd always been able to predict each others' moves in fights -- whether they were fighting each other or a common enemy. He'd been able to see right through her. It had all felt so right. And now her world was upside down again. Could she really be that fickle?
Spike had been around for years showing her how he felt with everything he did, even to the point of sacrificing himself. And still she had refused to allow herself to love him -- or to admit it, anyway. Then along comes someone who looks a little like him and has an English accent, and suddenly she's falling for him. After one kiss? Was she just trying to replace him? Everyone else was paired off. Was she just lonely? Didn't Spike deserve better than that? Didn't his memory deserve more respect? Didn't William deserve better than being a replacement?
She sat down on her bed and picked up Spike's picture. *I miss you. I think of you every day. I thought it would get easier, but it doesn't really. It just gets further away. What should I do? He's a good man, like you were. We've become friends -- just like we did, but I never admitted it until the very end. I could probably love him if I let myself. Just like you. You were so easy to love once I let it happen, but by then you were gone. Why does everyone I love leave me? I know you wouldn't have if it had been up to you, but it happened anyway. I don't think I can take that again. There's already too many empty places in my heart. My friends stay though. And friends are good to have. Friends. Yup, friends. We'll keep it that way. Besides, how would I ever explain the whole Slayer thing?*
She replaced the picture with her decision made. No more smoochies with William. Friends was what they were and friends was all they'd ever be. Now all she had to do was figure out how to tell him. This was going to be almost as hard as it would be to tell him about being the Slayer.
________________________________________________________________________
Dinner Saturday night. That was when he was going to put the plan he and Willow had come up with into action. It was time to start courting Buffy. He'd start dropping little hints into the conversations, too. Bits and pieces of things they'd shared over the years. Maybe she'd figure it out on her own and he wouldn't have to find the words to tell her. He had to be careful though. He couldn't bear to see that look again -- the one where she thought he was sick and perverted. The one she used to give him when she caught him under her window or following her.
He sighed as he put the phone down. She had cancelled their date. She claimed it was because she had things to do because Christmas was getting so close, but he knew better. He had heard the tension in her voice. The comfort level that had been there was gone. She was pulling away, just like she always had when he had gotten too close. He didn't want to spend another two or three years proving himself to her. He'd been through that once. He didn't think he could stand being near her and not having her. Maybe if he just took the plunge and told her he was back, they could pick up where they'd left off. The "after" they'd discussed so briefly back when neither of them thought there would be an "after". He sighed again and shook his head. He knew he'd let her set the pace for awhile, proving to himself once again that he was still love's bitch, scrambling after any crumb Buffy could be persuaded to drop.
________________________________________________________________________
The weeks slipped by. He still came to dinner on Thursdays, but Buffy always seemed to have other plans for Saturday nights. She even found an excuse to miss one of the Thursdays, but Willow made a point of letting him know that he was still welcome. Their secret was closely guarded, but Xander and Dawn began to suspect there was something they weren't saying.
Finally, the Friday morning after Buffy had avoided Thursday's dinner with an obviously contrived excuse, Dawn turned to Willow on the way to school. "OK, what's going on? I'm not fifteen anymore and you guys promised no more secrets."
"G-going on? Umm... with what, Dawnie?" Willow didn't even manage to sound convincing to herself, and Dawn just glared at her.
"You know exactly what I mean. Buffy and William. They're not spending near as much time together as they were, and now it even seems like she's avoiding him. Why? I thought they were great together. What happened? What did I miss? You know Buffy's not going to tell me."
Willow sighed. How could she help Dawn figure it out without betraying Spike? "Well, um, do you remember the day I put up the mistletoe?"
"Yeah. You said those two needed a push and you thought maybe that was a good way to do it without being obvious."
"Right. Do you remember what happened when they kissed? Or what William said?"
"Not particularly. I was pretty wrapped up in that paper I had due the next day. Didn't he say something about how glad he was you put it up? I thought that was kinda funny -- you know, because of you and all the herbs and stuff you used to have around. Mistletoe isn't really used all that much magically, is it?"
"There's a few spells that use it, but, um, Dawnie, can you try real hard to remember exactly what he said? I'm giving you everything I can without breaking a promise."
Dawn closed her eyes and tried to picture that night. "Buffy said he looked like he'd seen a ghost. And then he said something about the mistletoe, about how powerful it was, and how if he'd known that, he'd have had-- " Her eyes flew open. "RED! He called you Red. Only Spike ever called you that."
Willow nodded. "Have you noticed anything, um, different about William since that night?" Willow was trying to keep one eye on the road and one on Dawn. She knew she was starting to figure it out and wanted to see what Dawn's reaction was going to be.
Dawn closed her eyes once more and pictured William. She saw him the way he was last night -- talkative, comfortable, but fidgety and pacing with catlike grace, especially when Buffy had called to say she wouldn't be there for dinner. Then she pictured him the first time Willow had invited him over when they ran into each other at school -- quiet, timid, a little clumsy and unsure of himself. She reached way back and pulled up a mental image of Spike from Sunnydale -- always talking, always pacing, always in motion, but so graceful. Her eyes flew open. "Oh my Go-- Spike. William really is Spike, isn't he? How? Why didn't he tell us when we met him in Sunnydale? Wait-- he has amnesia, doesn't he? He doesn't know he's Spike and that's why Buffy is staying away from him. She doesn't know how to tell him he used to be a vampire. Right?"
"Slow down, Dawnie. Now remember, I didn't tell you any of this. You figured it out yourself, right? Or at least you asked me questions and I have a responsibility to correct things you might have wrong so you don't say the wrong thing to someone, right? OK. Yes, William is Spike. No, he doesn't have amnesia. He kind of did before, but now he remembers everything. But he remembers everything about being William too. He's both. And no, Buffy doesn't know and that isn't why she's staying away from him. She hasn't really told me exactly, but I think she feels guilty. I know that look. And guilt makes you do strange things."
"Guilty? About what? Leaving him in the school?"
"No. Remember, she doesn't know William is Spike. I think she feels guilty that she's starting to fall in love again. Like she's not being faithful to Spike's memory. I felt that way with Kennedy at first. It was really hard to let go of Tara, even though she was gone."
"She would have wanted you to be happy," Dawn said quietly and reached over to rest her hand on Willow's shoulder.
"I know," Willow smiled her thanks. "I knew then, but that didn't change what I was feeling.
"You have to admit, most of the time, Buffy wasn't exactly nice to Spike. Even after everything he did for her, for all of us. I think she might feel she shouldn't love anyone else because she never showed Spike how she felt. That she doesn't deserve to be in love. Or maybe she's afraid he'll leave. She says that sometimes when she's feeling really down. She says only her friends stay, but all the men she loves leave her."
Dawn shook her head, "Why does love have to be so complicated? Why can't everyone just find the right person, fall in love and live happily ever after?"
Willow laughed and shrugged, "Sounds good in theory, but I think it would end up being boring."
"So when's he gonna tell her? Finally, they can both be happy!"
"He's letting her set the pace. I'm not sure it's the best idea, but you know how Spike is. It won't last. He'll snap. I sure hope it's soon though. I'm getting tired of being in the middle. And I'm so glad you know now. I hated not telling you. But you can't tell Buffy. You have to let him do it his way."
"I know. I will. But I can tell him I know, right?"
"Give it a little time. He'll slip like he did with me. You just have to be listening for it. I think he wants to. It must be hard not telling."
"OK. I'll wait, but it's gonna be tough." They shared a smile as they gathered their things from the car. "See you later, Wil. Have a good day."
"You too, Dawnie. Christmas vacation next week. I can't wait! See you at four."
_____________________________________________________________________
Flick. Click. Flick. Click. Flick. Click.
Spike stared into space as the light glinted off the object in his hand. Christmas was just a few days away, and Buffy had turned avoiding him into an art-form. Willow thought he should tell her, but if she was never around, how could he?
Maybe he should start lurking under the tree in the front yard. No, that hadn't worked very well the last time.
He'd wait a little longer. Maybe by New Year's Eve he'd have a chance to talk to her, if she'd stay in the same room long enough.
Flick. Click. He sighed and tossed the black velvet jeweler's box on the table and got up to turn off the light and go to bed.