Title: Wanting
Author: Melanie-Anne
Email: melani_anne@yahoo.com
Rating: PG
Summary: "It's good to have you back," he says, and for a split-second she believes he really means it. [H/C]
Disclaimer: The characters don't belong to me, no infringement is intended, and I promise to return them as good as new when I'm done :o)
A/N: Standalone fic. I thought I'd play with a different style than what I'm used to. Let me know what you think.
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There's a gap in between
There's a gap where we meet
Where I end and you begin
And I'm sorry for us
~ Radiohead, "Where I End And You Begin"
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Calleigh hates summer nights. Too hot and muggy to allow sleep, too empty to make it worth staying awake. When he first comes into her bed, she thinks she can learn to like the nights. But he is gone before she wakes up, and she thinks she's dreamed it all.
Then he comes again, slipping between her sheets, pulling the curtains open so he can see her in the moonlight, telling her he loves the way her hair feels against his skin. Kissing her, touching her, making her fall deeper in love.
And when morning comes, she wakes up alone.
It becomes a pattern. He arrives, loves her, and then leaves.
He never mentions it at work. Working alongside him makes her ache inside. She hates that he never meets her eyes when he speaks to her. She hates that he is so perfect and good at what he does. She hates the way she dies inside when he acts as though they are nothing more than colleagues.
She hates the way her heart skips a beat every time he smiles or congratulates her on a job well done.
Most of all, she hates the way he looks at her when no one else is around, because then she know it's all real. And she wonders what is so wrong with her that he doesn't want her in the daylight.
She can't do it anymore. She's losing her mind. She can't concentrate on anything, she can't sleep or eat or think.
When he comes to her with a message from Gil Grissom in Vegas, asking for her help on a case, she knows that he doesn't want her to go.
So she says yes.
The next day she's on a plane, flying west, away from Miami. Away from Horatio.
She remembers Warrick and Catherine from a previous case, and manages to smile when she meets the rest of the team. Grissom reminds her too much of Horatio and she sees the way Sara looks at him and thinks, I know how you feel. She laughs when Greg flirts with her and thinks he's sweet.
She wonders if she'll ever look at another man again without comparing him to Horatio.
Grissom's impressed with how hard she works. When she hands in her report, he jokingly asks if she'd like a permanent job and she seriously considers it. Except she misses Miami and the people in it.
Time passes too quickly and soon she's on another plane, heading east, going home.
She sees him for the first time in a week and he's talking to his sister-in-law. Leaning in close, the way he sometimes does with Calleigh. Laughing. Laying a gentle hand on her arm.
Calleigh's fragile heart shatters further and she doesn't say hello.
She seeks refuge in the shooting range. It's the only place where she is completely in control. One. Two. Three. The weapon is comfortingly familiar in her hands. Four. Five. Six. She reloads. One. Two.
It isn't working. Her next shot is completely off, barely hitting the edge of the target. Disgusted with herself, Calleigh removes her goggles.
"Are you alright?"
His voice is low and husky in her ear. She turns, surprised that she missed his entrance. He steps closer. She is helpless to move away.
"Calleigh?"
She loves the way he says her name and hates herself for loving him. Hates the way she felt seeing him with Yelina. Wishes she were stronger than this.
"It's good to have you back," he says, and for a split-second she believes he really means it. He raises his hand to her cheek and stops just short of touching her. She tries to think of something witty to say, but nothing comes to mind.
"I hear you did good work up in Vegas."
She's saved from replying by her beeper going off. She excuses herself with a smile, relieved to be away from him, missing him at the same time.
She doesn't see him for the rest of the day. Someone mentions that he left with Yelina and she tells herself she doesn't care.
He doesn't come to her bed that night. She leaves the curtains open anyway and waits for sleep to claim her, but the heat-induced insomnia keeps her tossing and turning until the early hours of the morning.
Speed comments on how rundown she looks. She glares at him, but once she's alone she admits there is truth to his words. She hasn't made an effort today; her hair is pulled back in a ponytail, she hardly has any make up on and there are dark circles under her eyes.
When she sees Yelina heading for an interrogation room, she quietly appraises the other woman and finds herself coming up wanting. Yelina is fiery and exotic with an overt sensuality. It's clear to everyone that she wants Horatio. Calleigh can't think why he would refuse her.
She doesn't expect to find him waiting for her in the ballistics lab. He hands her a cup of coffee, something resembling concern etched on his features. Calleigh mumbles a thank you and turns her back to him.
His hand is warm on her shoulder and slides slowly down her back.
"Horatio—"
"Talk to me, Cal. What's bothering you?"
She whirls around to face him, suddenly angry. "What's bothering me? As if you even need to ask!"
"You've been avoiding me. How can I know if I never see you?"
She doesn't want to give voice to her fears, so she simply shakes her head. "Just forget it, Horatio. I've got work to do. So do you."
He stares at her for a long moment, then nods and leaves. When she's certain she's alone, Calleigh slides to the floor and lets herself cry.
A few days later, Alexx corners her in the break room, demanding to know what's wrong. Calleigh insists that she's fine but knows she hasn't fooled Alexx. So she says she hasn't been sleeping well. Although she doesn't say why, she has a feeling that Alexx already knows.
When John Hagen asks her out for drinks, she says yes. When he drops her at home afterwards and leans over to kiss her, she doesn't stop him. If she tries hard enough, she thinks she could really like him. If it weren't for Horatio, she thinks she could fall in love with him.
She doesn't invite him up.
Horatio is waiting for her in her apartment. Calleigh is too thrown by his presence to say anything. She wonders why he isn't with Yelina but doesn't ask. And then he's kissing her and it doesn't matter, and she asks herself if she can really go on like this.
She decides to put in a request for leave first thing in the morning.
He surprises her by stepping back. "I'm sorry. I came here to talk."
Yes, she thinks. To say this can't go on, that he's with Yelina now.
"What do you want, Calleigh?" Another surprise. She doesn't have an answer.
"I can't do this anymore," he says. "I thought I could handle being with you and not being with you at the same time, but I was wrong. It's not enough anymore. It's getting too hard to pretend. I don't want to pretend anymore. I fall a little bit more in love with you every day, but if I can't have all of you, then I . . . Well, that's why I've stayed away."
"What about Yelina?" It's all she can think to say.
He gives her a strange look. "Yelina? What does she have to do with anything?"
"I thought . . . never mind."
"She's family. That's all."
Calleigh moves to the window as Horatio's words sink in. She leans her forehead on the cool glass and closes her eyes.
"Calleigh, what do you want?"
Very slowly, she turns to face him and raises her head to meet his gaze. This is it, she thinks. She moistens her lips. Despite his confession, she is still nervous.
"You," she says.
And he smiles and sweeps her into his arms, holding her tightly, as if he's scared she'll disappear if he lets go. "I was hoping you'd say that."
Still, there are things to think about. "What about work? People will talk—"
"I don't care." Kisses rain down on her forehead, cheeks, neck. "It doesn't matter. I want you in my life, Cal. Always."
It's that final word that causes the carefully constructed wall around her heart to crumble and break. And she kisses him back; believing that everything will be okay because he says it will.
And she lets him fully into her heart and knows there is no turning back.
And for the first time since she was a little girl, she believes in happy endings again.
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