Conversation with a Mary Sue

By alliterator

Everything belongs to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox, except for the Mary Sue, which belongs to all writers, everywhere.

Buffy Summers was having a crappy day. Not only did a Luteus demon attack her, but it stained her new lovely new skirt. She tried desperately to wash it out, but apparently the mud the demon dripped was special demonic mud, because it wouldn't come off.

So, putting on a pair of old jeans, Buffy went out to patrol, hoping the night wouldn't get any worse. Of course, in her mind, worse was a relative term. A vampire attack wouldn't be worse, but the end of the world might.

So, she was pleasantly surprised when she encountered neither vampires nor demons for almost the entire night. She thought she might actually have a night where she wouldn't have to fight anything (the Luteus demon excluded).

Of course, that thought invoked the mighty jinx and she immediately encountered something. Or someone to be more accurate…

"Hi," the woman said in a high-pitched voice. She had flowing black hair that went down to her ankles (How the heck does she wash it? Buffy asked internally) and a pair of startling green eyes. "My name is Coretta Kindra Vivienne Jina Lofte."

Buffy looked at her and said, "Your parents must have really hated you."

The woman – Coretta Kindra Vivienne Jina Lofte – frowned at Buffy's comment, like she wasn't supposed to say it. Smiling again (and showing her abnormally white teeth), Coretta said, "You're Buffy Summers, right? I have some good news for you." If it's the name of your toothpaste, I really don't want it – I prefer my teeth not to glow in the dark, Buffy thought. "I'm your daughter."

Buffy, displaying no sense of shock whatsoever, said, "No, you're not."

Coretta frowned. "Yes, I am."

"No, you're not."

Coretta's frown seemed to grow even bigger. "But, but I'm sure I'm your daughter."

"Nope," Buffy said as she crossed her arms. "What ever made you think you were my daughter?"

"Um," Coretta seemed to think for a moment. "You became pregnant with me by Angel and Giles made you give me up, because I was half-Slayer, half-vampire, half-witch, but using my powers I came back in time to learn about the mother I never had."

Buffy looked at Coretta quizzically. "That is the stupidest explanation I have ever heard in my entire life – including all of Spike's reasons he was hanging around my house."

Coretta just blinked and said, "What?"

"First of all," Buffy said, "vampires can't have babies."

"But what about Connor?" Coretta asked.

"Who?" Buffy said.

"Well, see Angel wiped him from everybody's mind, but since I come from the future, I still know who he is, even if he doesn't, so I have to remind him…" Coretta babbled on.

"Doesn't matter," Buffy interjected. "Even if vampires could have babies, I've never had one with Angel – if Angel and me ever did the deed again, he'd turn evil. Plus, vampires aren't born – they are sired. Plus, a half plus a half plus a half equal one and a half people, which is physically impossible. And Slayers aren't born, they're called and witches aren't born, they learn to be witches. Also, Giles making me give up a baby? Giles would never do that and if he did, what made you think I would obey him? I barely obeyed him when he told me to turn down the music and stop chewing gum."

Confronted with all these contradictions to her existence, Coretta Kindra Vivienne Jina Lofte promptly winked out of existence.

Buffy smiled. Another one bites the metaphorical dust, she thought. Twirling her stake, she walked through the cemetery and whistled.