Chapter 3: Whose Thing is it Anyway?

We're inside The End as the front door opens then closes. After a few seconds of silence a chuckling Beachcomber reappears, the thing off his finger. As he starts to pack his belongings he hears someone running towards The End. Suddenly Ratchet dives in through the closed window, sending glass shards everywhere. The wizard looks around the room and finds Beachcomber staring at him.

Ratchet: Aw hell, you're here already.

Beachcomber: Did you want something?

Ratchet: I wish to discuss that Thing of yours.

Beachcomber: Thing? What Thing?

Ratchet: The Thing you're fondling in an increasingly disturbing way.

Beachcomber: Oh, you mean THIS Thing?

Beachcomber allows Ratchet the tiniest glimpse of the Thing.

Ratchet: Yes, that Thing. Where, precisely, did you find it?

Beachcomber: This gnarly trinket? I, um…found it in a horse's nose.

Silence.

Ratchet: …A horse's nose.

Beachcomber: Yes. Or it might have been a gumball machine. I can't remember which.

Ratchet: Riiiiiiiight. Look, you wouldn't mind if I had a look at…

Beachcomber (suddenly possessive): NO! You can't have it! It's mine! My Queeeeeeeeeen…

Ratchet: My Queen? I've heard others use that phrase before, but…

Beachcomber: Ohhhh, I see your bogus game now. You're trying to distract me, take the Thing for yourself! Well, it won't work you un-hip crook!

Ratchet (angry): BEACHCOMBER BAGGINS!

Focus on Beachcomber as he backs away from Ratchet, a look of utter terror on his face. Cut back to Ratchet, who had morphed into his truly terrifying toy model (no head, oddly proportioned limbs, etc).

Ratchet: I'M NOT TRYING TO ROB YOU…

Ratchet transforms back to his normal self.

Ratchet: …I'm trying to help you. The robbing comes later.

Beachcomber: Oh, Ratchet!

Beachcomber hugs Ratchet. It's a tender moment, ruined when Beachcomber uses the hug to steal Ratchet's wallet.

Beachcomber: Well, I'm off!

Beachcomber quickly packs up a few more belongings and heads for the door. A cough from Ratchet stops him.

Ratchet: Beachcomber…

Beachcomber: Yes?

Ratchet: You still have the Thing.

Beachcomber: Thing? What Thing?

Ratchet: Oh for the love of mustard…

After some 'gentle persuasion' from the wizard, Beachcomber drops the Thing. It goes right through the floor. After treating Ratchet to a traditional Minibot farewell, (which consists of a kick to the groin and a poke in the eyes), Beachcomber transformed to dune buggy mode and drove off towards Lotsofcash. Ratchet stared after him for a moment before making his way to the basement stairs. After falling down said stairs Ratchet came across the Thing on the floor. As his fingers touch it, we and the wizard see a large nose surrounded by flame. Ratchet looks perturbed.

*****

Some time later Ratchet is sitting in front of the fire in The End, smoking his Omni-Ciggie (now with the same amount of smoke as fifty normal cigarettes!). As he sits there pondering his last words with Beachcomber Warpath enters the house, smashing down the door in his tank mode.

Warpath: Hey, FREEOW! SPANK! Beachcomber! Where are…

Warpath enters the room where Ratchet is. He face, or what we can see of it, falls.

Warpath: He's BZZZZZZ! CRACKLE! gone, isn't he?

This startles Ratchet back to awareness. He turns around and smiles at Warpath.

Ratchet: I'm afraid so. But on a brighter note, he's left you The End and all that is within it.

Warpath: Really?

Ratchet: Well, it's either you or Mad Minnie from the supermarket. I can't remember which.

A shrill lunatic cackling can be heard coming somewhere. Warpath looks spooked as Ratchet puts the Thing in an envelope and seals it some bubblegum. He hands to Warpath and then makes for the door.

Warpath: Hey, where are you GRRRR! ARF! going?

Ratchet: Nowhere special, just to an ancient archive to see if that Thing is actually the harbringer of a terrible and evil doom.

Warpath: Oh. OK!

*****

Cut now to Snoredor, where Inferno is being tortured by the Nine Thingwraiths. After much yelling and trashing about, the ant-bot screams out five words.

Inferno: MIRE! BAGGINS! METAL GEAR PRIME!

Manta Ray: Okay, so the Thing is in the Mire with some Minibot named Baggins. Who's this 'Metal Gear Prime' joker?

Grimlock (shuddering): A devil that's escaped our notice for far too long. Now, my Thingwraiths, we ride!

Thingwraiths: WOO!

The Thingwraiths ride out of Snoredor. Meanwhile, Ratchet has arrived at the archive and is being shown to the documents he needs by Thundercracker, the keeper of the archive.

Thundercracker: Don't be getting' many wizards around these 'ere parts, ya know.

Ratchet: Yes, yes, as you've told me nine times already. Just show me the damn documents!

Thundercracker leads Ratchet to a large chamber stacked to the rafters with old documents. Ratchet boggles at the sight.

Ratchet: THIS is the documentation of the last Thing War?!?

Thundercracker: Hmm? Oh no, this 'ere's only the appendix. Over there are the actual papers on the Thing War.

Ratchet follows Thundercracker's finger to a line of seventeen vaults. Vault No. 1 is marked with the words 'The Thing War: Books 1-1,000,000. Ratchet stares at the vaults in mute horror.

Ratchet: This might take a while…

Ten hours later, and ravaged by an overabundance of coffee and stay-awake pills, Ratchet stared at Book 2,000,022 with manic eyes under the worried gaze of Thundercracker.

Ratchet: This is ridiculous! Where the hell is Jazz's account of the One Thing? Why are all these books filled with grooming routines of Primus' pet koala bears?!? ARRRRGH!

Thundercracker: Wait…did y'all say that you're looking for documents on Jazz and that purty Thing of his?

Ratchet: Yes. Why?

Thundercracker: Well, shucks! All ya had to do was use the DVD player in the corner.

Ratchet: …What?

Thundercracker: Yep, everything you wanted to know about Jazz and the One Thing all on one handy, time saving disc.

Ratchet (trying to suppress his rage): Why…didn't…you…tell…me…this…before?!?

Thundercracker: Well, y'all looked so determined with yer pointy hat and long flowing robes that I…say, what're y'all gonna do with that table?

Minutes later, and with the remains of Thundercracker lying peacefully on the ground behind him, Ratchet activated the DVD player and watched as a picture of Jazz filled the TV screen. The former King of Gonpork turns and smiles at the camera.

Jazz: Hi there! If you're watching this special Collector's Edition DVD, then you're obviously wondering if your Thing is in fact the One Thing of Evil and Doom.

Jazz gets up and walks over to a roaring fireplace. Standing on the other side of the fireplace is Skywarp, who's grinning cheesily at the camera.

Jazz: To find out the truth, simply use this test. First take your Thing…

A Thing magically appears in Skywarp's hand.

Jazz: …and chuck it into the nearest fire.

Skywarp does so.

Jazz: After a second or two, pull the Thing out of the fire – remember to use tongs, now – and check the Thing for any mysterious G1ish writing.

Skywarp pulls the Thing out of the fire (using the tongs, naturally) and shows it to the camera. It's a melted mess, but there is nothing on it.

Jazz: Now remember: if the Thing is clear, then there's nothing to fear! If writing there be, better you than me!

Skywarp: And that's a guarantee!

The duo give the thumbs up sign as the words "Warning – not an actual guarantee" flash on the bottom of the screen. The TV switches off.

Ratchet: Well…that was reassuring.

Cut now to a house not far from the Mire as a devilishly handsome Minibot by the name of Metal Gear Prime exits said house and walks out onto the road.

MG Prime: Ahhhh, nothing like a self-insertion to truly make a bot feel special.

Suddenly Grimlock rides towards MG Prime on horseback, drawing his sword with obvious intent.

MG Prime: Oh bloody he…

SLICE!

To be continued…