Chapter 4: Go west, young Warpath
We're now in The End, watching as Warpath cooks something on the fire. Presently Ratchet dives in through the (open) window.
Warpath: The door was BORT! POO! open.
Ratchet: I know, but it just isn't the same. By the way, what's cooking?
Warpath: Mad Minnie.
Warpath pulls a well-done foot out of the flames.
Warpath: Want some?
Ratchet: Uh…no thanks. Do you still have the Thing?
Warpath: Of course.
Warpath pulls the Thing out of a subspace pocket and hands it to Ratchet, who immediately chucks it on the fire.
Warpath: What're you CHOW! BOP! doing?!?
Ratchet ignores the Minibot for a moment, focusing instead on the Thing as the envelope burns around it. Once satisfied that enough time has elapsed, the wizard pulls the Thing out of the fire using a pair of tongs.
Ratchet: Hold out your hand, Warpath.
Warpath gives Ratchet a doubtful look.
Ratchet: Don't worry, it's quite cool.
Warpath holds out his hand with great reluctance. Ratchet drops the Thing into his open palm, where it immediately starts to smoke and sizzle.
Warpath: EEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHH!
Ratchet: Whoops.
*****
A few minutes later…
Ratchet: Now then, do you see any symbols on the Thing?
Warpath (hand now bandaged): No.
Ratchet breathes a sigh of relief.
Warpath: Wait! There's something MEOW! HISS! forming now! It looks like ancient G1sh writing and…a picture of a smiling bunny! How cute!
Ratchet: Yes, cute…and DEADLY!
Warpath: Huh?
Ratchet: That writing is the same as that used in Snoredor in ancient times. Roughly translated it means…
Ratchet takes a deep breath, then proceeds.
Ratchet: This be the Thing of Unicron,
Filled with power beyond belief,
If he finds that someone stole it,
He'll make a necklace with their teeth.
Warpath: Huh. And the bunny?
Ratchet: Added on for extra menace, bunnies being the fiercest creatures occupying Middle-Cybertron at the time.
Warpath: Uh-huh. Now what? Ratchet: Now I must go to Nemesis and consult with the head of my order, who is both wise and powerful…well, powerful at least. You, my dear Minibot, must leave the Mire and head towards the town of SQUEE!, to the west of here, where I will meet up with you. Now hurry! The minions of Unicron already approach us. Cut to MG Prime, whose head is back on his shoulders thanks to copious amounts of tape, standing in the exact same spot as he was last chapter. MG Prime: HA! Foolish Thingwraith, I'm an author's avatar! I'm invincible! BWAHAHAHA… MG Prime is interrupted in his laugh by being run over by the remaining eight Thingwraiths on their way to the Mire. Once they've passed he painfully lifts his head out of the ground. MG Prime: Uggh…I haven't been in this much pain since I read that Skir/Budiansky script… Cut back to The End, as Warpath prepares for his journey, packing enough weapons to start a whole series of wars. Warpath: Well, I'm ready SPEW! GROOVY! to go. Ratchet: Excellent. You know, it is a pity that you couldn't find a lackey to accompany you on this quest, preferably one that you could use as a living shield if the need arose… At this precise moment Seaspray entered The End. Seaspray: Hey, Mishter Warpath! You wanna…oh, hello Mishter Ratchet! Why are you here? (pause) And why are you both looking at me like that? *****
A few hours later, in Farmer Kup's techno-organic corn field…
Warpath: Look, you're FRANGO! MERDE! going on a quest to save the whole of Middle-Cybertron. Can't you enjoy it?
Seaspray: What'sh to enjoy about it? I had a date planned for tomorrow with Ignition. Now, instead of that, I'm on a misshion that'sh more than likely gonna get me killed!
Warpath: And that's not APPLE! WOMBAT! enjoyable?
Seaspray turns around to face Warpath but is knocked down by Cliffjumper, who comes sprinting out from a row of stalks. A fraction of a second later Warpath is knocked down by Bumblebee, who was following Cliffjumper.
Bumblebee: Oh, hey Warpath!
Seaspray: Get offa him!
Seaspray gets up and lifts Bumblebee off Warpath.
Bumblebee: Hey, steady on!
Cliffjumper: Yeah! Or else we won't share these delicious techno-organic veggies.
Warpath: Did you TANG! DENT! just steal those from Farmer Kup?
Cliffjumper: Steal is such an ugly term. We prefer 'borrowing for an indefinite period of time'.
Kup (from a distance): Dang it! Where did them little thieves get to?
Bumblebee: And I got his pills! (reads the label on the box) "Take one every hour to avoid hyper-rage."
The Minibots give each other a worried look.
Seaspray: Hyper-rage…?
An angry scream suddenly cuts through the air, followed by the sound of someone growing into a larger, more powerful form.
Kup: RRAAARGH! KUP SMASH PUNY THIEVES!
Minibots: Uh-oh.
*****
At this exact moment, we can see Ratchet approach Nemesis, a large tower which looks suspiciously like a warship standing on its end. As Ratchet walks to the entrance he is greeted by a fellow wizard, dressed in a flowing white robe, a black helmet and a fusion cannon. It is Megatron the White.
Megatron: So, Ratchet the Gray comes to Nemesis for advice and guidance.
Ratchet: Umm, aren't they the same thing?
Megatron: Must you always correct me?
The duo enter Nemesis and proceed to walk to Megatron's chambers.
Megatron: So, the Thing was in the Mire…
Ratchet: Yes. All these years, right under my nose.
Megatron: Humph. Your affection for the Halfbots blinds you.
Ratchet: What are you implying?
Megatron: Well…it's not my nature to gossip, but…
Ratchet: What?
Megatron: People are beginning to talk. Things like, "What's up with the pointy hat guy hanging around people half his height?" You know what people are like.
Ratchet: What people? What are you talking about?
Megatron: Oh look, we're here!
Megatron opens the doors to his chambers and enters, followed by Ratchet. The gray wizard's eyes widen when he sees the forbidden seeing device known as the Diagnostic Drone sitting on a pedestal in the middle of the room. Megatron sees the look on Ratchet's face and smirks.
Megatron: Why so shocked? Did you think we are above using the tools of the enemy to aid us?
Ratchet: No, but I do believe that it is dangerous to use the Diagnostic Drone when we have not accounted for the remaining number of them.
Ratchet grabs a cloth and drapes it over the Drone. As he does so, he sees the same flaming nose he saw when he touched the Thing. He looks at Megatron.
Megatron: You saw it too, yes? A great nose, illness free, sniffing out the location of the Thing. Rest assured, it will find what it is looking for and it will kill whoever gets in its way.
Ratchet: Warpath…!
Ratchet makes to leave the room but is stopped by the doors closing in his face.
Megatron: Do you not see the only course available, old friend? We must join with him.
Dramatic close-up of Megatron's face.
Megatron: We must join with Unicron.
Cut to Ratchet, who now wears a saddened expression.
Ratchet: Tell me…friend, when did Megatron the White replace reason with madness?
Megatron: Last Tuesday, around lunchtime.
Ratchet: Really? Well, at least that explains why you were running around wearing a panda suit and yelling, "I am the oyster! Koo koo ka choo!" at the Wizard's Annual Picnic.
Megatron: Enough talk! Will you join me?
Ratchet: No.
Megatron: Very well. It saddens me that I have to be the one to send you on your way to oblivion.
Megatron rises from his chair and invokes a powerful incantation. The room is suddenly filled by a blinding light. When it subsides, we see that Ratchet and Megatron have been fused into one creature.
Ratchet/Megatron: NOT AGAIN!
*****
Nighttime, at the door to the town of SQUEE!…
Bumblebee: Man, what a screwy day.
Seaspray: No kidding! Firsht, we eshcape Kup, then we jusht barely manage to eshcape those weird Beige Riders!
Cliffjumper: So, is this the place we're supposed to meet Ratchet?
Warpath: Yep.
Warpath knocks on the door. A small section of it slides across revealing Dinobot, the SQUEE! watchman.
Dinobot: I am Dinobot. Speak, vermin!
Warpath: Yeah, we'd like SLICE! MINCE! to enter the town.
Dinobot: And what business do you have here?
Seaspray: Our businessh ish our own!
Bumblebee: Yeah!
The door suddenly flies open, revealing a very angry Dinobot, sword in hand.
Dinobot: You dare use that tone of voice with the great Dinobot?!?
Warpath: Crap! RUN!
The Minibots runs past Dinobot and into SQUEE!
Dinobot: HEY! Wait…dammit, that's the tenth time this week.
Back with the Minibots as they look around the town.
Warpath: Let's see, Ratchet said CRAIS! AERYN! that he meet us at The Frilly Lampshade, which is…over there!
Warpath point sat a building shaped like a frilly lampshade. The Minibots enter to find a bar filled with the usual men and women of dubious morals. They walk over to the counter, where they are greeted by Rattrap the barman.
Rattrap: Eh, what can I do fer you squirts?
Warpath: Yes, I'd FRADOOM! THOK! to book a room for four, please.
Rattrap: Okay, and yer name?
Warpath: Mr. Snuggletrout. Oh, and can SHAKK! BAKAMM! you tell Ratchet the Gray that we've arrived.
Rattrap: Ratchet? Eh, sorry to tell ya kids, but Ratchet ain't been in here for six weeks.
A few minutes later, Warpath is sitting at a table trying to decide what to do next while Seaspray, Bumblebee and Cliffjumper eagerly await the drinks they ordered. As he thinks, Warpath notices a tall figure watching him from across the room. He's a red, gray and blue mechanoid with a yellow chest and a red helmet with a red and yellow visor. Warpath locks eyes with him for a moment as Rattrap delivers the drinks.
Rattrap: Here ya go!
Warpath: Excuse me, who's KARTCH! KOOM! that guy over there?
Rattrap: Him? He's one of those Rangers that go about saving people and helping the less fortunate for free. Buncha shmucks…
Warpath: Yes, but who SWING! SWORD! is he specifically?
Rattrap: Well, no one knows his real name, but around here he's known as Retsalb.
Warpath: Retsalb…
Warpath looks over to Retsalb again, but the Ranger is now smoking his pipe and seems to be lost in thought.
Bumblebee: So, what now Warpath?
Seaspray: Yeah, what now? Where do we go if Ratchet doeshn't show?
Warpath: I dunno. At any rate my SMEG! FRELL! identity must remain hidden at all –
Cliffjumper: Warpath Baggins?
Warpath, Bumblebee and Seaspray turn as one towards the bar, where a drunk Cliffjumper is conversing with a group of roughs.
Cliffjumper: Sure I know Warpath Baggins! He's sitting right over there!
Warpath leaps out of his chair and runs toward Cliffjumper.
Warpath: CLIFFJUMPER!
As he runs, Warpath fails to notice the discarded beer bottle on the ground in front of him. He slips on said bottle, which causes the Thing to fly out of its subspace compartment and somehow land on his finger as he falls to the ground.
Warpath: SUUUUUUUURGE!!!!
He immediately becomes invisible to the shock of the other patrons and to the interest of Retsalb.
Cut to Warpath, who is now in a shadowy version of the world he normally inhabits. As his eyes scan this dark realm, the Nose of Unicron suddenly appears, sniffing the air excitedly.
Unicron: I CAN SMELL YOU!
Frightened, Warpath manages to get the Thing off his finger, restoring him to the normal world. As he takes a relieved breath, he is grabbed from behind and dragged away.
Cut to the Thingwraiths who, having felt the use of the Thing, ride towards SQUEE!…
To be continued…