Just a quick word to some of the people who reviewed:

Alexandra Spar: Thanks for the suggestion concerning Retsalb's multiple names. I'll be using it from this chapter onwards and just wanted to give credit to the person who came up with the idea. Cheers!

Crazycat: Why do I keep torturing Ratchet and fusing him with Megatron? Well, it all began in the summer of '89. My friends and I were discussing Wilde beside a roaring Oxford fire when…

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

Starbug can be seen standing over MG Prime's bullet ridden corpse. Her gun still smoking, she turns to the screen.

Starbug: So sorry about that. In response to your first question, it is because Ratchet is one of MG Prime's favorite characters. In essence, it's like a young boy tugging a girl's hair to show that he likes her, only in this case the boy is a strange 21-year old American and the girl is a criminally ignored robotic doctor. As for the whole fusion thing, it's just his way of highlighting one of the most bizarre (and, again, overlooked) events in Transformer history.

MG Prime: Urrgh…d-damn right!

Starbug (smiling tightly): And now, please enjoy the story.

Fade to black.

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

MG Prime: AIIEE!

Chapter 5: New Allies

We're in one of the Frilly Lampshade's rooms as the door is shoved open and a surprised Warpath is pushed in, followed by Retsalb. As Retsalb closes the door behind him, he gives Warpath a cold glare.

Retsalb: You've drawn quite a bit of attention to yourself, Mr. Snuggletrout.

As Retsalb shoots out the light source on the ceiling with his silenced electro-scrambler, Warpath responds thusly.

Warpath: Um…hey, foo! What you jibba-jabbin' about? I don't know no Mr. Snuggletrout, beyatch! Word to yo' momma, and so forth!

Retsalb: Chill out, dude. I know you're Warpath Baggins, the unlucky cat who's got lumbered with the Thing of Unicron.'

Warpath: You HURT! THROTTLE! do? Who are you?

At this Retsalb drew himself to his full height and adopted a noble pose.

Retsalb: I am Retsalb, the mighty Ranger, though I have many other names.

Warpath: That's SNORE! WALK! nice. But what I meant was…

Retsalb (interrupting): To the G1sh folk I am known as Gabby, He Who Would Not Shut Up. To the Minibots I am known as Crapmaster, Player of Awful Music. And to the Dwarfbots I am known as Spanky, He Who…

Retsalb is interrupted by a massive laser blast to his chest, which sends him flying into the far wall. We now see Warpath in his tank mode, his tank barrel smoking.  

Warpath: What I meant was, are you a friend of Ratchet's?

Spanky: Indeed I am, young Minibot. Ratchet sent me to guide you on your way to Lotsofcash so that the Thing may be safely dealt with. Is he not here?

Warpath: No, for some reason he missed our rendezvous. I hope nothing went wrong.

Spanky: I doubt it. Why, I wouldn't be surprised if ol' Ratch was waiting for us in Lotsofcash, fully rested and raring to go.

The scene changes to the Nemesis, where Ratchet, his left side singed and bandaged, is swinging upside down on the roof over a pack of ravenous turbo-mooses*.

Ratchet: HEEEEEEEEELLLLLPPP!

Back in the Frilly Lampshade…

Warpath: Eh, you're probably right. C'mon, let's go get the others and be on our way. It's about time this damn story got moving…

*****

The Nemesis, Megatron's chambers…

Megatron, his right side singed and bandaged, is consulting the Diagnostic Drone.

Megatron: O mighty and powerful Unicron, hear me! Your humble servant, Megatron the White, requests an audience with thee.

The screen on the front of the Diagnostic Drone is blank for a few seconds before flaring into life, revealing the mighty Nose of Unicron.

Unicron (sleepily): Eh? Whuzzat? What's going on? 

Megatron: My lord?

Unicron: Megatron! You semi-evolved calculator from the Seventh Circle of the Pit! Do you have any idea what time it is?!?

Megatron pauses, realizing that he's in serious trouble here. He nervously looks at his wall mounted clock.

Megatron: Um…6:35 p.m.?

Unicron: It's three in the morning here, you grotesque pimple in the nostril of life! But, now that I have a chance to talk with you, I want you to build me a mighty army worthy of me, at least 6 million strong.

Megatron: As you command, my lord. And you'll be wanting them, what, in about 8 months or so?

Unicron: You will have it done by tomorrow morning, you glitch-ridden son of a creepy sex-starved milkman!

Megatron: Ah.

Six hours later…

We see Megatron feverishly working away at something lying on a slab as Shrapnel, Bombshell and Kickback enter.

Shrapnel: 'Sup, Big M, Big M?

Megatron looks up from his work at Shrapnel, a crazed (more so than usual) glint in his eyes.

Megatron: Shrapnel.

Shrapnel: Yes, yes?

Megatron: In my right hand I hold a very sharp diamond bladed scalpel. Call me 'Big M' one more time and I shall insert said scalpel into the most sensitive orifice of your body with as much force as I can muster. Understood?

We now see that Shrapnel is hiding behind his Insecticon comrades.

Shrapnel: I'll be good, good.

Bombshell: How goes Unicron's new army?

Megatron: Have a look for yourselves.

Megatron lifts the sheet to reveal the prone body of Autobot X. The Insecticons give it a look over.

Kickback: What's up with the mismatched body parts?

Megatron: My body-building guide suggested it as the most efficient way to build a solider.

Megatron hands a book to Bombshell.

Bombshell: Huh? This isn't a body-building book!

Megatron: It isn't?

Bombshell: No! It's actually Wake the Dead, the new comic book by Steve Niles!

Bombshell shove the book towards the camera, so that all we can see is the cover.

Shrapnel: Steve Niles, Niles? You mean the writer of such hits as 30 Nights and Dark Days, Days?

Bombshell: The very same, Shrapnel!

Kickback: Wow! A modern day take on the Frankenstein legend, available at a reasonable price at all good comic book stores worldwide!

Insecticons: EXCELSIOR!

Off screen, three people in suits hand the Insecticons large bags of money, which they pocket gleefully. Megatron puts his face in the palm of his hands.

Megatron: If you're quite finished? It is time for me to give the first of Unicron's soldiers life.

Megatron pulls a suspiciously Matrix shaped device out of subspace and holds it over Autobot X, ready to give him life. Just as he's about to open it up, Bombshell grabs his arm.

Bombshell: Wait!

Megatron: Oh, for…what now?

Bombshell: Don't you see what you're doing? By giving this abomination life, you will be unleashing a unholy terror upon us all! A fiend who will delight in misery and death, so long as it's not his own!  A BEAST WHO WILL SPELL THE END FOR ALL OF MIDDLE-CYBERTRON AND STRANGLE US WITH OUR OWN FUEL PUMPS! ARMAGEDDON!

There is silence.

Megatron: Your point?

Bombshell: No point. I'm just saying, is all.

Megatron shakes his head and opens the Matrix-like device over Autobot X, bathing the creature in a blue light. Presently, his optics begin to glow…

*****

Meanwhile, we see three messengers from Lotsofcash driving/flying in different directions. We see the first deliver a message to Skids, the eldest son of the Steward of Gonpork. The second give his message to Brawn, the mighty Dwarfbot lord. The third delivers his message to Perceptor, the prince of the forest G1ers, but only after enduring a thirty minute lecture on the mating habits of Iaconian turbo-mooses**.

The message? Something about traveling to Lotsofcash to discuss some Thing or another…

To be continued…

*Don't bother telling me I'm wrong about this. That is the definitive plural of moose!

**Dammit, it is! STOP STARING AT ME LIKE THAT!

Bombshell: ARMAGEDDON!