4th - Yelling at God
"So close, no matter how far. Couldn't be much more from the heart. Forever trust in who we are. And nothing else matters. Never opened myself this way. Life is ours, we live it our way. All these words I don't just say. And nothing else matters. Trust I seek, and-"
"You could try trusting one of us." A suggestion came from the doorway.
Toni stopped singing abruptly and spun to face them. "What, you don't knock either?"
"We did. You somehow didn't hear us."
"Actually I did. The fact I ignored you should be a hint that I don't want to talk to anyone."
BJ crossed his arms. "We're not leaving until you-"
"What? Do you want to know how we met? What happened? The fine details?"
"We'll eventually get all of the above. The sooner the better." Hawkeye replied.
"You're in on this too, Father?"
Mulcahy looked uncomfortable. "I was not my idea, Corporal."
"Yes, but you're here, though, aren't you?" She pointed out.
"That song you were singing. Who's it by?" Hawkeye asked.
Toni glared at him. "Why?"
"It sounds interesting, that's all."
"Just a song someone once taught me. I've never heard the actual version." She replied softly.
"Captains Pierce and Hunnicutt please report to Colonel Potter's office." Klinger's voice came over the camp P.A, and the two rolled their eyes.
"We'll be back." Hawkeye promised.
"Great. I'll make sure my door's locked." Toni retorted with her usual attitude.
Hawkeye and BJ saluted Mulcahy ironically, and left.
"Are you leaving, Father?" Toni asked coldly.
He looked at her, considering a response. "I think I'll stay, as long as that's alright with you."
"Why wouldn't it be? I have to finish unpacking." She purposely turned her back on him and opened her last bag. The previous two had held clothes, but this one had personal items. It was really only a small bag.
Carefully she pulled out a set of seven books, and placed them on her desk, next to a small pile of papers she already had to sort.
Next came a file of papers that she had brought from home.
"What's in that?" Mulcahy asked, trying to make conversation.
"Letters." Came the short reply.
He nodded, trying to act satisfied with the quick answer.
She unpacked the rest in silence, until she came to the last item.
It was a blade, handcrafted, and beautiful in a deadly way. It was sheathed, and Toni held it carefully.
"What is that?" Mulcahy asked in awe.
"It is a sword, Father." Toni replied coolly.
He swallowed. "I can see that, Toni. Where did you get it?"
"Someone I know once gave it to me." She replied softly.
"It's magnificent."
Toni nodded slightly. "I know."
"Who gave it to you?"
The trance Toni was in broke. "No one important." She snapped, putting the sword behind her desk, where no one could see it. "Look, Father. If you really want to help, and I emphasize if, please just try to keep Corporal Klinger away from me." Toni added quietly.
"Why, Toni?" He asked, looking into her eyes.
"Please, I can't discuss it. Can't you see that?" She replied desperately.
Mulcahy sighed, and looked away. "If that's what you want. But I can only suggest that you attempt to talk things out with the Corporal. He is a decent man-"
"How well do you know him, Father?" Toni asked, no challenge in her tone, just weariness.
"I thought I knew him well, but from what Hawkeye and BJ say I don't know him well enough. If you like I can mediate discussions between the two of you."
Toni looked thoughtful. "Father, if you're allowed to tell me, has Maxwell ever received grief counselling?"
Mulcahy blinked. "Um, not that I know of, Corporal."
"When did was he drafted?"
Mulcahy frowned. "Six years ago."
Toni almost smiled. "And he's been here ever since?"
"Yes, I don't see what you're getting at, Toni."
She shook her head. "That's alright, I see it now. Thank you, Father."
She looked at him expectantly, and he realized he was being subtly told it was time for him to leave.
He stood. "If there's nothing else.?"
"That's okay, thank you." Toni replied. "I'll see you at the mess at seven hundred with the others, right?"
"Of course." He walked out, leaving a thoughtful Toni wondering what would happen next.
---
"So what exactly will I be doing?" Toni asked coldly.
"Whatever jobs need doing at the time." Klinger replied, just as coldly, without looking at her.
They suddenly heard choppers. Without looking at each other they ran out to help.
The rest was a rush of bodies, orders and blood.
Toni hurried from patient to patient taking names, numbers and ranks, then taking the information back to Klinger to file.
After all the patients had gone through triage she tracked him down to talk.
"What do you want?" He demanded.
"To talk, that's all. I want to know how you've been the past six years."
He glared at her. "Do you really want to know? About those nights I couldn't sleep without her face haunting my dreams, blaming it all on me? About how many times my own screaming woke me up?"
Unknown to both Klinger and Toni, Hawkeye had heard them, and was listening keenly from behind the latrine.
"You're not the only one with nightmares you know! And it didn't help that my only source of strength besides Yvette was gone and blaming me for what happened! I couldn't sleep for seventy two hours after she died, yet you insisted on making it even more intolerable by not being there!" She stepped closer to Klinger, and Hawkeye thought she was going to hit him. "I'll tell you something Klinger. If Yvette hadn't shown up then I would have been next. But then I don't suppose you really cared, then did you? Fuck, I didn't want to be a paper-shuffler here in the first place, then when I found out you were here I almost resigned. Two weeks after I joined." She took a breath. Klinger tried to say something, but she interrupted. "You know what? Fuck you, Corporal Klinger. That's all I have to say to you. And that's from everyone you left behind." She turned and walked away.
Klinger watched her go silently, then turned and walked the other way.
"I would put you on report for eavesdropping, but I would have to do the same to me." A quiet voice said from behind Hawkeye, who jumped.
"Father, don't do that to me!"
Mulcahy had a half-smile on his face. Hawkeye recognized it as the one he wore when he was worried and unsure of what to do.
"Don't worry Father. It will work out."
Mulcahy sighed. "I hope so. I would hate to see either Klinger or Toni get hurt."
---
"Toni. Help me. I need you."
The girl was looking around desperately, but she didn't see her friend anywhere.
"Rebekka!" She called. "Where are you?"
"Right in front of you. Why won't you help me?" The voice was growing nearer Toni realized.
She squinted; it was too bright to see properly, and saw her friend drifting toward her.
"Rebekka!"
Toni watched, helpless, as her best friend plunged a knife into her own chest.
"Why weren't you there?" Rebekka whispered as she died.
Toni sat up quickly, and looked around, gathering her bearings.
She tried to go back to sleep, but after an hour she knew it was impossible.
Getting up and dressed silently she grabbed the long sword she'd put behind her desk and walked out into the night towards a dirty lake she'd seen briefly yesterday. There was plenty of room on the grass next to it to practice until exhaustion won and she was forced once again to sleep.
---
It was 0700 hours and Toni was hungry.
She wasn't hungry enough, however, to go to the mess tent and risk another confrontation with Corporal Maxwell Klinger, so she sat at her desk, reading through old letters that she already had memorized. But somehow reading them from off the paper seemed to make them more real. They were all pretty much the same. Just two best friends telling each other about their lives on paper instead of out loud.
A hot tear trailed silently down her cheek, followed by a second.
Why? That's all I want to know. JUST WHY?! She thought angrily to whatever God was up there and happened to be listening. Yeh, just like I thought. Fuck you then. She snapped silently when no apparent answer was forthcoming.
She was jarred out of her thoughts when someone knocked on her door.
"Who is it?" She demanded.
"It's Colonel Potter."
Toni wiped her eyes, and shoved the letters back in the folder quickly. In her haste she didn't notice that one dropped to the floor. "Come in then."
The door opened and he stepped inside. "I didn't see you at breakfast." He commented.
"I wasn't aware I was required to attend." She replied stiffly, standing.
He waved his hand at her, indicating for her to stay seated.
She did so wearily. "What are you after, sir?"
Potter shook his head. "I was informed of an altercation yesterday between you and Corporal Klinger. I was wondering if either of you were planning of filing a complaint."
"No, sir. Whatever happened is past now. I believe we can work together efficiently. I apologize for any inconvenience it caused you."
Sherman scratched his head. "That's what Klinger said to. Yet I didn't believe him any more than I think I believe you."
Toni didn't reply.
Potter shook his head slightly. "Alright then, Corporal." He glanced around her tent for a second, then his eyes fell on a piece of paper on the ground. "Corporal." He bent over and picked it up. He tried not to look like her was reading it as he passed it to her, but he caught a few words.
.suicide. You never guessed. That's what made you the perfect frie.
"Thank you, Colonel. Is that all?" Toni practically snapped, snatching the paper from his hand before he could read any more.
He shook his head again. "You said you wanted to start working straight away, so I may as well have you report to Klinger now in the office."
"Yes, sir." Toni replied and followed him out, locking her door quickly.
"So close, no matter how far. Couldn't be much more from the heart. Forever trust in who we are. And nothing else matters. Never opened myself this way. Life is ours, we live it our way. All these words I don't just say. And nothing else matters. Trust I seek, and-"
"You could try trusting one of us." A suggestion came from the doorway.
Toni stopped singing abruptly and spun to face them. "What, you don't knock either?"
"We did. You somehow didn't hear us."
"Actually I did. The fact I ignored you should be a hint that I don't want to talk to anyone."
BJ crossed his arms. "We're not leaving until you-"
"What? Do you want to know how we met? What happened? The fine details?"
"We'll eventually get all of the above. The sooner the better." Hawkeye replied.
"You're in on this too, Father?"
Mulcahy looked uncomfortable. "I was not my idea, Corporal."
"Yes, but you're here, though, aren't you?" She pointed out.
"That song you were singing. Who's it by?" Hawkeye asked.
Toni glared at him. "Why?"
"It sounds interesting, that's all."
"Just a song someone once taught me. I've never heard the actual version." She replied softly.
"Captains Pierce and Hunnicutt please report to Colonel Potter's office." Klinger's voice came over the camp P.A, and the two rolled their eyes.
"We'll be back." Hawkeye promised.
"Great. I'll make sure my door's locked." Toni retorted with her usual attitude.
Hawkeye and BJ saluted Mulcahy ironically, and left.
"Are you leaving, Father?" Toni asked coldly.
He looked at her, considering a response. "I think I'll stay, as long as that's alright with you."
"Why wouldn't it be? I have to finish unpacking." She purposely turned her back on him and opened her last bag. The previous two had held clothes, but this one had personal items. It was really only a small bag.
Carefully she pulled out a set of seven books, and placed them on her desk, next to a small pile of papers she already had to sort.
Next came a file of papers that she had brought from home.
"What's in that?" Mulcahy asked, trying to make conversation.
"Letters." Came the short reply.
He nodded, trying to act satisfied with the quick answer.
She unpacked the rest in silence, until she came to the last item.
It was a blade, handcrafted, and beautiful in a deadly way. It was sheathed, and Toni held it carefully.
"What is that?" Mulcahy asked in awe.
"It is a sword, Father." Toni replied coolly.
He swallowed. "I can see that, Toni. Where did you get it?"
"Someone I know once gave it to me." She replied softly.
"It's magnificent."
Toni nodded slightly. "I know."
"Who gave it to you?"
The trance Toni was in broke. "No one important." She snapped, putting the sword behind her desk, where no one could see it. "Look, Father. If you really want to help, and I emphasize if, please just try to keep Corporal Klinger away from me." Toni added quietly.
"Why, Toni?" He asked, looking into her eyes.
"Please, I can't discuss it. Can't you see that?" She replied desperately.
Mulcahy sighed, and looked away. "If that's what you want. But I can only suggest that you attempt to talk things out with the Corporal. He is a decent man-"
"How well do you know him, Father?" Toni asked, no challenge in her tone, just weariness.
"I thought I knew him well, but from what Hawkeye and BJ say I don't know him well enough. If you like I can mediate discussions between the two of you."
Toni looked thoughtful. "Father, if you're allowed to tell me, has Maxwell ever received grief counselling?"
Mulcahy blinked. "Um, not that I know of, Corporal."
"When did was he drafted?"
Mulcahy frowned. "Six years ago."
Toni almost smiled. "And he's been here ever since?"
"Yes, I don't see what you're getting at, Toni."
She shook her head. "That's alright, I see it now. Thank you, Father."
She looked at him expectantly, and he realized he was being subtly told it was time for him to leave.
He stood. "If there's nothing else.?"
"That's okay, thank you." Toni replied. "I'll see you at the mess at seven hundred with the others, right?"
"Of course." He walked out, leaving a thoughtful Toni wondering what would happen next.
---
"So what exactly will I be doing?" Toni asked coldly.
"Whatever jobs need doing at the time." Klinger replied, just as coldly, without looking at her.
They suddenly heard choppers. Without looking at each other they ran out to help.
The rest was a rush of bodies, orders and blood.
Toni hurried from patient to patient taking names, numbers and ranks, then taking the information back to Klinger to file.
After all the patients had gone through triage she tracked him down to talk.
"What do you want?" He demanded.
"To talk, that's all. I want to know how you've been the past six years."
He glared at her. "Do you really want to know? About those nights I couldn't sleep without her face haunting my dreams, blaming it all on me? About how many times my own screaming woke me up?"
Unknown to both Klinger and Toni, Hawkeye had heard them, and was listening keenly from behind the latrine.
"You're not the only one with nightmares you know! And it didn't help that my only source of strength besides Yvette was gone and blaming me for what happened! I couldn't sleep for seventy two hours after she died, yet you insisted on making it even more intolerable by not being there!" She stepped closer to Klinger, and Hawkeye thought she was going to hit him. "I'll tell you something Klinger. If Yvette hadn't shown up then I would have been next. But then I don't suppose you really cared, then did you? Fuck, I didn't want to be a paper-shuffler here in the first place, then when I found out you were here I almost resigned. Two weeks after I joined." She took a breath. Klinger tried to say something, but she interrupted. "You know what? Fuck you, Corporal Klinger. That's all I have to say to you. And that's from everyone you left behind." She turned and walked away.
Klinger watched her go silently, then turned and walked the other way.
"I would put you on report for eavesdropping, but I would have to do the same to me." A quiet voice said from behind Hawkeye, who jumped.
"Father, don't do that to me!"
Mulcahy had a half-smile on his face. Hawkeye recognized it as the one he wore when he was worried and unsure of what to do.
"Don't worry Father. It will work out."
Mulcahy sighed. "I hope so. I would hate to see either Klinger or Toni get hurt."
---
"Toni. Help me. I need you."
The girl was looking around desperately, but she didn't see her friend anywhere.
"Rebekka!" She called. "Where are you?"
"Right in front of you. Why won't you help me?" The voice was growing nearer Toni realized.
She squinted; it was too bright to see properly, and saw her friend drifting toward her.
"Rebekka!"
Toni watched, helpless, as her best friend plunged a knife into her own chest.
"Why weren't you there?" Rebekka whispered as she died.
Toni sat up quickly, and looked around, gathering her bearings.
She tried to go back to sleep, but after an hour she knew it was impossible.
Getting up and dressed silently she grabbed the long sword she'd put behind her desk and walked out into the night towards a dirty lake she'd seen briefly yesterday. There was plenty of room on the grass next to it to practice until exhaustion won and she was forced once again to sleep.
---
It was 0700 hours and Toni was hungry.
She wasn't hungry enough, however, to go to the mess tent and risk another confrontation with Corporal Maxwell Klinger, so she sat at her desk, reading through old letters that she already had memorized. But somehow reading them from off the paper seemed to make them more real. They were all pretty much the same. Just two best friends telling each other about their lives on paper instead of out loud.
A hot tear trailed silently down her cheek, followed by a second.
Why? That's all I want to know. JUST WHY?! She thought angrily to whatever God was up there and happened to be listening. Yeh, just like I thought. Fuck you then. She snapped silently when no apparent answer was forthcoming.
She was jarred out of her thoughts when someone knocked on her door.
"Who is it?" She demanded.
"It's Colonel Potter."
Toni wiped her eyes, and shoved the letters back in the folder quickly. In her haste she didn't notice that one dropped to the floor. "Come in then."
The door opened and he stepped inside. "I didn't see you at breakfast." He commented.
"I wasn't aware I was required to attend." She replied stiffly, standing.
He waved his hand at her, indicating for her to stay seated.
She did so wearily. "What are you after, sir?"
Potter shook his head. "I was informed of an altercation yesterday between you and Corporal Klinger. I was wondering if either of you were planning of filing a complaint."
"No, sir. Whatever happened is past now. I believe we can work together efficiently. I apologize for any inconvenience it caused you."
Sherman scratched his head. "That's what Klinger said to. Yet I didn't believe him any more than I think I believe you."
Toni didn't reply.
Potter shook his head slightly. "Alright then, Corporal." He glanced around her tent for a second, then his eyes fell on a piece of paper on the ground. "Corporal." He bent over and picked it up. He tried not to look like her was reading it as he passed it to her, but he caught a few words.
.suicide. You never guessed. That's what made you the perfect frie.
"Thank you, Colonel. Is that all?" Toni practically snapped, snatching the paper from his hand before he could read any more.
He shook his head again. "You said you wanted to start working straight away, so I may as well have you report to Klinger now in the office."
"Yes, sir." Toni replied and followed him out, locking her door quickly.