11 - Visiting
Hawkeye's gone. He's left me. He promised! Toni thought, furiously going through her attack patterns with her sword. Goddamn the man! She knew it wasn't his fault, and that she should visit him, but couldn't bring herself to do it.
She felt slightly sorry for Sid, Hawk was a great guy, but when he was stubborn, he was stubborn.
She thought back to the conversation they'd had at the lake with Sid.
"Toni, look at me." Sid ordered quietly.
She looked up hesitantly.
"Why won't you look at me?" He asked when her eyes flicked back to the ground.
Hawkeye watched her face, but he didn't say anything.
"Rule number Two." She whispered.
"What was Number One?" He asked her.
"They-" She coughed. "They ask the questions." She replied softly. "THEY DIDN'T THOUGH! All they asked was my name. nothing else." She stopped. "Nothing else matters." She whispered to herself.
"Toni, what were the other rules?" Sidney asked.
Her eyes filled with tears, but she didn't reply.
"Toni." Hawk whispered, taking one of her hands carefully. "Come on. Answer Sidney. He's here to help you."
"I know," she replied. "I just. can't."
"That's alright, Toni." Sid replied. "Let's talk about something else."
She nodded, keeping hold of Hawkeye's hands.
"What made you want to join the Army?" He asked, smiling.
She closed her eyes momentarily. "I don't know. I just wanted to help out where I could be of use."
"Captain Pierce please report to Colonel Potter's office." Klinger called over the camp's PA.
Hawkeye glanced at Sid, who nodded, then Toni, who smiled slightly. "Duty calls." She said softly, letting go of his hands.
"We'll talk later." He promised, and walked back to the camp, turning four times to look at her.
"You don't find it easy to make friends, do you Toni?" Sid asked quietly, looking at her.
Her eyes were on the ground again. She shook her head. "No sir."
"I'm glad you've got Hawkeye with you then."
"So am I." She replied, smiling faintly.
"What was life like in Toledo?" He asked her.
She faltered. "Toledo? Uh, alright, why do you ask?"
"Just curious." He replied.
She nodded silently, still no looking at him.
"Toni, I need you to tell me the other rules. Can you do that?" He asked her.
"NO!" She yelled. "Just leave it alone!" She stopped as soon as she started. "I'm sorry-"
"That's alright, Toni." He assured her.
They sat in silence for a while, until Toni felt obliged to break it.
"Rule One, They ask the questions. Rule Two, Never look them in the eye, Rule Three, They are superior, Rule Four, Don't even try to escape, Rule Five, Don't hope for rescue, Rule Six, Do as they say. Rule Seven, They are in charge. Rule Eight, I am nothing, therefore worth nothing." Her shoulders shook from barely-controlled emotion.
Sid watched her for a moment before gently putting an arm around her, offering comfort.
She struggled out of his grasp and stood, running. Toni ran, and ran, and ran. Faster, further than she'd ever gone before. She vaguely heard someone call her name, and it made her push herself faster, faster, faster.
She became aware of someone running after her.
Eventually the person reached and touched her shoulder. She fell to her knees, and looked up at the person. It was her tormentor. She screamed.
He shook her shoulder, and his face, and voice changed, becoming Sidney Freedman.
Toni collapsed to the ground, sobbing, pounding the ground with her fists.
She shook herself. Thinking about that didn't help now. She sighed, and packed one of her bags with clothes.
Once that was done she walked over to Potter's office, her back straight and head high.
"How can I help you, Toni?" Sherm asked, putting aside a form he was working on.
"Yes, sir. I request the use of a jeep."
He smiled and passed her a piece of paper. "All you have to do is sign. Is anyone joining you?"
"No sir. I have to do this on my own."
"Understood."
She signed the paper quickly, and saluted him. He returned it, and she tuned, walking out.
"Maxwell." She said, stopping at his desk.
He look up slowly.
"I'm going to see Hawkeye. We have more to talk about later."
"Yes, we do." He agreed. "Tell Hawkeye I said hi."
"Sure, see you when I get back."
He nodded, and she went to get a jeep.
---
She amused herself by singing and humming drinking songs the men had taught her. It grew colder, and she stopped to get her jacket.
As she was getting back into the jeep she heard a noise. Slowly she drew a knife from her boot and stepped back onto the road. The noise grew louder, though she could tell it wasn't getting closer.
She stepped off the road, and followed the sound. She was looking around suspiciously when she saw a small bundle of cloth in front of her. She leaned over carefully, and rolled it over with the edge of her knife.
A small face looked up at her, and two bright blue eyes opened to see her. The small child yawned, and closed it's hand around one of her fingers.
Oh what the hell do I do now? She thought to herself. She was past halfway to where Hawkeye was being kept, so she decided to keep going.
When she got into the jeep she took a closer look at it, and decided she was female, and only a few months old. How long she'd been out in the middle of nowhere Toni couldn't guess. And how she'd survived was an even bigger mystery.
Shrugging, she gripped the baby tighter and started the engine.
---
"Corporal Toni White. I'm here to see Captain Pierce. And I found a stray on the way here."
The young woman at what Toni guessed was the equivalent of reception looked at the baby and smiled. "Here I'll take her for you." She offered.
"Thanks." Toni passed the infant to her, but the child still had it's hand around Toni's finger. Gently she tried to pry it from her, and the baby started crying.
---
"WHAT IS THAT NOISE?!"
"Hawkeye, calm down."
Hawk started pacing, and spoke loudly, trying to block out the sound of the baby. "I can't hear that! Nothing happened! SOMEONE SHUT THAT BABY UP!" He yelled.
"Hawkeye?" A voice asked.
He stopped pacing to face the person that had spoken. "Toni?" He asked.
Toni ran to him and hugged him. "Yeah, it's me."
He backed away from her. "What are you doing here? Did you bring that. child here?"
"Yes, is that a problem? I found her on my way, I couldn't just leave her there."
"I think I'll leave you two alone for a while." Sid said quietly, exiting.
"How have you been?" She asked him, sitting where Sidney had vacated.
He tilted his head. "How do you think I've been? Oh, it's great here. So many bright personalities to talk to. You know, I met the Statue of Liberty the other day? Oh, we had a great conversation."
"Hawk-"
"Well what did you think? You lock me up in this place, then ask me how I am! I feel betrayed. I have only just come to 'remember' my actual problem, now I think I'm the world's biggest fuck-up. All I need is to get out of here and I'll be fine!" He started pacing again.
"Then me coming here was a waste of time then." Toni said quietly.
Hawkeye looked at her harshly. "Yeah, I guess it was. Bye then."
She looked at him, hurt, and he waved. She opened the door and stepped into the corridor. "And don't come back here!" He yelled as the door shut.
Toni walked the opposite way she'd come, and walked out the nearest exit. She leaned against the wall for a while, staring at the sky, then closed her eyes. "God, please, if you're up there, help me. I don't know what to do. I'm sorry for what I said at you earlier, but I'm scared. I really need your help on this on, Please, God, if you're up there, I need you on this. I know I have never spoken to you before, but Father Mulcahy believes in you, and I really need guidance right now. I don't want to loose Benjamin. And I will, if I don't know what to do. Please, help me." She whispered, her head lowered.
---
She sat on the ground, crying into her hands for what felt like hours.
After a while someone sat next to her.
"Are you alright, Toni?" Sid asked quietly.
She shook her head. "I don't know." She replied, looking up at him, before staring at her hands again.
"What happened?"
"I asked him how he was. He mentioned meeting the Statue of Liberty, then went on to tell me what a major screw-up he is. I asked him if me coming here was a waste of time, and he said yes. Then he told me never to come back." She buried her head in her hands, and felt tears slip through her fingers to splash onto her uniform. "I prayed." She laughed. "Me, I actually prayed for help."
Sidney nodded, and noticed her fingers had healed. "Your fingers look better."
"Thanks. They're fine now. Can be stiff in the mornings and when it's cold, but other than that they're as good as new." She glanced at them, seeing the scars that would never fade, and curled them into a fist. "I was tempted to hit him. I don't know what held me back, but something did. Now I wish I had hit him."
"Why?"
She blinked. "I don't know, I guess." She admitted. "Maybe knock some sense into him."
Sid laughed gently. "I think someone already tried, didn't do much good."
"They probably didn't hit him hard enough." Toni commented.
He turned to her. "How have you been, Toni?"
"Me? Oh, I think I'm over it now." She smiled. "I was able to call Yvette a few days ago, and I also spoke to Simon, a teacher that really likes her. It was funny. He kept asking me what clothes she liked, what perfume, what chocolates. She kept yelling from the kitchen that she could hear him."
Sid laughed. "Sounds like a good family over there."
"Yeah. I keep wondering when she's gonna wake up and smell his aftershave, to tell you the truth."
"Well, now that you've proven that you can still dodge questions, how have you been, Toni?" Sid asked again. He wasn't laughing, and there was a serious tone to his voice.
She sighed. "There's no getting past you, is there?" She asked.
"This conversation isn't about me, though, is it?" He replied, ignoring her bait.
"I told you, I'm fine."
"Toni, you look exhausted. How long has it been since you ate?" He saw he open her mouth quickly, then added, "properly?"
"I don't know. How long has he been in here? I'm worried about him, Sid."
"Are you still having nightmares?" He asked.
"When I sleep." She replied, ignoring his questioning gaze.
"Would you like to talk about them?"
"They're just the same as the other I told you about, with a few others thrown about."
Sid nodded. "The others, are they about Rebekka?"
"Yeah, and Hawkeye."
"Oh? What are the ones about Hawkeye like?"
"The same as Rebekka's, I guess. It usually involves floating, a really bright light, and one or both of us dying. With some blame being sent around."
"They blame you for dying?"
Toni nodded. "Just stuff like I wasn't there for them and stuff. I dunno." She shrugged. "I'm fine."
"I don't believe you." He stood and held out his hand. "Come on, let's go eat."
.Quinn passed her a parachute. She felt the helicopter jerk. Toni jumped from the helicopter, just as it exploded into a massive fireball, burning the pilot and two soldiers that didn't have a chance to jump.
".Toni? Toni!" Sid waved a hand over her eyes.
"I'm here! I'm fine. Calm down."
He sat next to her again. "What happened?"
"I just had a flashback, that's all." She muttered. "I'm fine." She closed her eyes, and relaxed against the wall, trying to slow her breathing. That never happened! Quinn survived.
Sid looked at her doubtfully, but didn't comment.
Toni stood. "How about that food?" She asked.
Hawkeye's gone. He's left me. He promised! Toni thought, furiously going through her attack patterns with her sword. Goddamn the man! She knew it wasn't his fault, and that she should visit him, but couldn't bring herself to do it.
She felt slightly sorry for Sid, Hawk was a great guy, but when he was stubborn, he was stubborn.
She thought back to the conversation they'd had at the lake with Sid.
"Toni, look at me." Sid ordered quietly.
She looked up hesitantly.
"Why won't you look at me?" He asked when her eyes flicked back to the ground.
Hawkeye watched her face, but he didn't say anything.
"Rule number Two." She whispered.
"What was Number One?" He asked her.
"They-" She coughed. "They ask the questions." She replied softly. "THEY DIDN'T THOUGH! All they asked was my name. nothing else." She stopped. "Nothing else matters." She whispered to herself.
"Toni, what were the other rules?" Sidney asked.
Her eyes filled with tears, but she didn't reply.
"Toni." Hawk whispered, taking one of her hands carefully. "Come on. Answer Sidney. He's here to help you."
"I know," she replied. "I just. can't."
"That's alright, Toni." Sid replied. "Let's talk about something else."
She nodded, keeping hold of Hawkeye's hands.
"What made you want to join the Army?" He asked, smiling.
She closed her eyes momentarily. "I don't know. I just wanted to help out where I could be of use."
"Captain Pierce please report to Colonel Potter's office." Klinger called over the camp's PA.
Hawkeye glanced at Sid, who nodded, then Toni, who smiled slightly. "Duty calls." She said softly, letting go of his hands.
"We'll talk later." He promised, and walked back to the camp, turning four times to look at her.
"You don't find it easy to make friends, do you Toni?" Sid asked quietly, looking at her.
Her eyes were on the ground again. She shook her head. "No sir."
"I'm glad you've got Hawkeye with you then."
"So am I." She replied, smiling faintly.
"What was life like in Toledo?" He asked her.
She faltered. "Toledo? Uh, alright, why do you ask?"
"Just curious." He replied.
She nodded silently, still no looking at him.
"Toni, I need you to tell me the other rules. Can you do that?" He asked her.
"NO!" She yelled. "Just leave it alone!" She stopped as soon as she started. "I'm sorry-"
"That's alright, Toni." He assured her.
They sat in silence for a while, until Toni felt obliged to break it.
"Rule One, They ask the questions. Rule Two, Never look them in the eye, Rule Three, They are superior, Rule Four, Don't even try to escape, Rule Five, Don't hope for rescue, Rule Six, Do as they say. Rule Seven, They are in charge. Rule Eight, I am nothing, therefore worth nothing." Her shoulders shook from barely-controlled emotion.
Sid watched her for a moment before gently putting an arm around her, offering comfort.
She struggled out of his grasp and stood, running. Toni ran, and ran, and ran. Faster, further than she'd ever gone before. She vaguely heard someone call her name, and it made her push herself faster, faster, faster.
She became aware of someone running after her.
Eventually the person reached and touched her shoulder. She fell to her knees, and looked up at the person. It was her tormentor. She screamed.
He shook her shoulder, and his face, and voice changed, becoming Sidney Freedman.
Toni collapsed to the ground, sobbing, pounding the ground with her fists.
She shook herself. Thinking about that didn't help now. She sighed, and packed one of her bags with clothes.
Once that was done she walked over to Potter's office, her back straight and head high.
"How can I help you, Toni?" Sherm asked, putting aside a form he was working on.
"Yes, sir. I request the use of a jeep."
He smiled and passed her a piece of paper. "All you have to do is sign. Is anyone joining you?"
"No sir. I have to do this on my own."
"Understood."
She signed the paper quickly, and saluted him. He returned it, and she tuned, walking out.
"Maxwell." She said, stopping at his desk.
He look up slowly.
"I'm going to see Hawkeye. We have more to talk about later."
"Yes, we do." He agreed. "Tell Hawkeye I said hi."
"Sure, see you when I get back."
He nodded, and she went to get a jeep.
---
She amused herself by singing and humming drinking songs the men had taught her. It grew colder, and she stopped to get her jacket.
As she was getting back into the jeep she heard a noise. Slowly she drew a knife from her boot and stepped back onto the road. The noise grew louder, though she could tell it wasn't getting closer.
She stepped off the road, and followed the sound. She was looking around suspiciously when she saw a small bundle of cloth in front of her. She leaned over carefully, and rolled it over with the edge of her knife.
A small face looked up at her, and two bright blue eyes opened to see her. The small child yawned, and closed it's hand around one of her fingers.
Oh what the hell do I do now? She thought to herself. She was past halfway to where Hawkeye was being kept, so she decided to keep going.
When she got into the jeep she took a closer look at it, and decided she was female, and only a few months old. How long she'd been out in the middle of nowhere Toni couldn't guess. And how she'd survived was an even bigger mystery.
Shrugging, she gripped the baby tighter and started the engine.
---
"Corporal Toni White. I'm here to see Captain Pierce. And I found a stray on the way here."
The young woman at what Toni guessed was the equivalent of reception looked at the baby and smiled. "Here I'll take her for you." She offered.
"Thanks." Toni passed the infant to her, but the child still had it's hand around Toni's finger. Gently she tried to pry it from her, and the baby started crying.
---
"WHAT IS THAT NOISE?!"
"Hawkeye, calm down."
Hawk started pacing, and spoke loudly, trying to block out the sound of the baby. "I can't hear that! Nothing happened! SOMEONE SHUT THAT BABY UP!" He yelled.
"Hawkeye?" A voice asked.
He stopped pacing to face the person that had spoken. "Toni?" He asked.
Toni ran to him and hugged him. "Yeah, it's me."
He backed away from her. "What are you doing here? Did you bring that. child here?"
"Yes, is that a problem? I found her on my way, I couldn't just leave her there."
"I think I'll leave you two alone for a while." Sid said quietly, exiting.
"How have you been?" She asked him, sitting where Sidney had vacated.
He tilted his head. "How do you think I've been? Oh, it's great here. So many bright personalities to talk to. You know, I met the Statue of Liberty the other day? Oh, we had a great conversation."
"Hawk-"
"Well what did you think? You lock me up in this place, then ask me how I am! I feel betrayed. I have only just come to 'remember' my actual problem, now I think I'm the world's biggest fuck-up. All I need is to get out of here and I'll be fine!" He started pacing again.
"Then me coming here was a waste of time then." Toni said quietly.
Hawkeye looked at her harshly. "Yeah, I guess it was. Bye then."
She looked at him, hurt, and he waved. She opened the door and stepped into the corridor. "And don't come back here!" He yelled as the door shut.
Toni walked the opposite way she'd come, and walked out the nearest exit. She leaned against the wall for a while, staring at the sky, then closed her eyes. "God, please, if you're up there, help me. I don't know what to do. I'm sorry for what I said at you earlier, but I'm scared. I really need your help on this on, Please, God, if you're up there, I need you on this. I know I have never spoken to you before, but Father Mulcahy believes in you, and I really need guidance right now. I don't want to loose Benjamin. And I will, if I don't know what to do. Please, help me." She whispered, her head lowered.
---
She sat on the ground, crying into her hands for what felt like hours.
After a while someone sat next to her.
"Are you alright, Toni?" Sid asked quietly.
She shook her head. "I don't know." She replied, looking up at him, before staring at her hands again.
"What happened?"
"I asked him how he was. He mentioned meeting the Statue of Liberty, then went on to tell me what a major screw-up he is. I asked him if me coming here was a waste of time, and he said yes. Then he told me never to come back." She buried her head in her hands, and felt tears slip through her fingers to splash onto her uniform. "I prayed." She laughed. "Me, I actually prayed for help."
Sidney nodded, and noticed her fingers had healed. "Your fingers look better."
"Thanks. They're fine now. Can be stiff in the mornings and when it's cold, but other than that they're as good as new." She glanced at them, seeing the scars that would never fade, and curled them into a fist. "I was tempted to hit him. I don't know what held me back, but something did. Now I wish I had hit him."
"Why?"
She blinked. "I don't know, I guess." She admitted. "Maybe knock some sense into him."
Sid laughed gently. "I think someone already tried, didn't do much good."
"They probably didn't hit him hard enough." Toni commented.
He turned to her. "How have you been, Toni?"
"Me? Oh, I think I'm over it now." She smiled. "I was able to call Yvette a few days ago, and I also spoke to Simon, a teacher that really likes her. It was funny. He kept asking me what clothes she liked, what perfume, what chocolates. She kept yelling from the kitchen that she could hear him."
Sid laughed. "Sounds like a good family over there."
"Yeah. I keep wondering when she's gonna wake up and smell his aftershave, to tell you the truth."
"Well, now that you've proven that you can still dodge questions, how have you been, Toni?" Sid asked again. He wasn't laughing, and there was a serious tone to his voice.
She sighed. "There's no getting past you, is there?" She asked.
"This conversation isn't about me, though, is it?" He replied, ignoring her bait.
"I told you, I'm fine."
"Toni, you look exhausted. How long has it been since you ate?" He saw he open her mouth quickly, then added, "properly?"
"I don't know. How long has he been in here? I'm worried about him, Sid."
"Are you still having nightmares?" He asked.
"When I sleep." She replied, ignoring his questioning gaze.
"Would you like to talk about them?"
"They're just the same as the other I told you about, with a few others thrown about."
Sid nodded. "The others, are they about Rebekka?"
"Yeah, and Hawkeye."
"Oh? What are the ones about Hawkeye like?"
"The same as Rebekka's, I guess. It usually involves floating, a really bright light, and one or both of us dying. With some blame being sent around."
"They blame you for dying?"
Toni nodded. "Just stuff like I wasn't there for them and stuff. I dunno." She shrugged. "I'm fine."
"I don't believe you." He stood and held out his hand. "Come on, let's go eat."
.Quinn passed her a parachute. She felt the helicopter jerk. Toni jumped from the helicopter, just as it exploded into a massive fireball, burning the pilot and two soldiers that didn't have a chance to jump.
".Toni? Toni!" Sid waved a hand over her eyes.
"I'm here! I'm fine. Calm down."
He sat next to her again. "What happened?"
"I just had a flashback, that's all." She muttered. "I'm fine." She closed her eyes, and relaxed against the wall, trying to slow her breathing. That never happened! Quinn survived.
Sid looked at her doubtfully, but didn't comment.
Toni stood. "How about that food?" She asked.