Authors Note- Blah... The end must come, and it did... Today is the last day of Christmas vacation and for that I am sad :'(... Is till have lots of things to do before I go back, so this has to bea real quick post today which means I didn't post any responses to your reviews, I will post them all tomorrow I promise, I didn't have a chance, but we are very grateful for all of your reviews we LOVE reading htem, they make our day :D!!! Anyways here is the next chapter its kinda of intense, I hope you all like it:)
I can't believe I just did that. Its so unfair to her. I didn't mean to hurt her. I really hadn't. It just happened. I close the door behind me and start to head down the stairs. Tears brim my eyes and the cold wind makes them burn. I should go home. I should leave her. She is too good for me. She deserves better. I shouldn't have grabbed her, bruised her perfect skin. I was just so mad, furious, angry, everything. I sit down on the last cold cement step of the building. The sky is a deathly black colour, no stars, no moon, nothing. The wind rustles the snow on the ground, but the city seems to be lost. The wind stopped its effect on me. I like the silence. It seems to suit me better. Maybe I was meant to be alone. I look up at her window, the lamp in the front room has been turned on. She's probably starring at the black and blue on her arm. Bruises fade, but the pain remains the same. Unchanged. Forever. The bitter chill of the night begins to sink in. I feel the stinging of it in my ears, nose, and cheeks. It doesn't bother me as much as what I did to her. A rush of warm air hits me from behind. I know someone's there. Her shoes hit the ice and crack it. She's heading towards me. She sits down pulling out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. I didn't know she smoked. I guess I don't know a lot of things. She inhales on the cigarette and breathes out the smoke slowly, as if absorbing the good and letting out the bad. I finally manage to look at her, she's trying to hide the pain and hold back the tears. I just gave up. Its as if with every puff of smoke she becomes stronger. I know it's a lie. She's building up these stone walls again. And its all my fault. She throws the cigarette down and I watch it go out.
"Makes you want to give up on me even more right?"
I start to shake my head. No. Never. I'll never give up on you. Only on myself. And the person I've become.
"No. I mean your absolutely right. I am an alcoholic. Hell my life is spiralling out of control constantly. You don't wanna get sucked in."
I don't know what to say. What am I supposed to say? She'll just retaliate even more. Another one of those moments that can ever actually be fixed.
"I completely understand. I mean that's why Richard left. I don't expect you to hang around. You don't have to."
She's saying it so monotonely, as if she's saying it to get it over with, like a warning she does not want to issue.
"Abby..."
My voice died out. It let go.
"I'm giving you your chance to leave with no strings attached. I don't want or expect anything from you."
She starts to get up, rubbing her hands together. I want to move after her. I want to go begging for her forgiveness. For everything that we had. I want it back. I want that simple little life we used to life. Well it wasn't that simple, but it wasn't this complicated. How many times are we going to keep on doing this to each other?
I heard her footsteps at the doorway, and she pauses for a brief minute. I knew about it. I knew she was waiting for me. But I couldn't. I just couldn't. It wasn't physically because I couldn't. Mentally I couldn't. I wasn't giving up. I just needed time to think. Think about how to make this better, how to work everything out. Because I love this woman more than life itself. She just doesn't realize it. And I doubt she really believes it. And I'll never tell her this.
The door slams shut and the lock turns. After what felt like forever, I get up slowly, opening the black iron gate and marching into the path of the storm. I head towards the lakefront. It seems to be my comfort sometimes. Ever since I was a child, maybe it had to do with Bobby. Every time Bobby was able to go out, Grandpa would always take us out to the beach or for a walk on the shore. And I still do it every now and then. It helps me think.
I reach the silent part of the lake, the snow falling at a steady pace. I don't care. I dont' know where I'm supposed to go, what I'm supposed to do. I've never felt more hurt in one day. I've never felt this kind of hurt ever in my life. I hate the person I am. Who I've become. What I've done. I love her. And I knowingly inflicted pain and misery upon her. Not that we don't have our problems. Not that she's perfect. But I love her for who she is, all her insecurities and faults as well.
And I know what its to love and loose. I've done it all. I've never felt like this. Maybe after the stabbing, during rehab. Realizing Lucy wasn't coming back. I could have died. If not for Mark. And I lost him too. I guess I've just started to position myself away from people whom I care about because inevitably they will leave me. I had Mark. And he died. Not that it was his fault. I guess I blamed him, then the fates, them myself. But it's nature. I miss him. I wish he was still here to talk to. He would have helped me. But I need to move on. I'm not moving in the right direction, I know that. But it's the only way I know how to go.
I follow the winding road until the cold is unbearable. But I'm only a few blocks away from the mansion. So I head home. There's nothing more to do. Nothing I can do. The house is at it's usually silence. A reminder that I'm once again, alone and forgotten. After Gamma died, I guess I had no reason to come. Then Abby and Bryce, and I once again found use. Now it just seems like another world I can get lost and lonely in. I tread up the stairs, loosing the battle with warmth. I'm still shivering. I don't care. I throw my coat and scarf on a chair in the hallway. I head into the bathroom, looking at myself in the mirror. I hate the reflection looking back at me. I hate the person looking back at me. I hate myself. I completely hate myself. I open the drawer, looking for my toothbrush. I'm met by the glimmer of some of my razors, shaving cream, brushes, along with the bright orange bottles. I had never been tempted. I don't' know why I kept them. I grab the smallest one, Valium. I open it, looking at the little blue pills that once ran my life. I shut it and throw it onto the counter. I look back at myself. It seems to be the only way out. I need to get rid of the pain. I open the bottle back up, taking two out. Two is all I need. I'll be okay. I'll somehow get throw this. I swallow them, feeling the almost instant release as they go down my throat. It'll only happen once. Just tonight. I'll fix everything tomorrow. Only tonight.
***PREVIEW***
I'm screwed up. I knew it all along, but now its escalated. I'm more then slightly mangled, I'm definitely not just messed up, I'm probably passed the screwed up stage too, on the brink of totally fucked. Not only have I screwed up my life, but my sons, and Carter.
I can't believe I just did that. Its so unfair to her. I didn't mean to hurt her. I really hadn't. It just happened. I close the door behind me and start to head down the stairs. Tears brim my eyes and the cold wind makes them burn. I should go home. I should leave her. She is too good for me. She deserves better. I shouldn't have grabbed her, bruised her perfect skin. I was just so mad, furious, angry, everything. I sit down on the last cold cement step of the building. The sky is a deathly black colour, no stars, no moon, nothing. The wind rustles the snow on the ground, but the city seems to be lost. The wind stopped its effect on me. I like the silence. It seems to suit me better. Maybe I was meant to be alone. I look up at her window, the lamp in the front room has been turned on. She's probably starring at the black and blue on her arm. Bruises fade, but the pain remains the same. Unchanged. Forever. The bitter chill of the night begins to sink in. I feel the stinging of it in my ears, nose, and cheeks. It doesn't bother me as much as what I did to her. A rush of warm air hits me from behind. I know someone's there. Her shoes hit the ice and crack it. She's heading towards me. She sits down pulling out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. I didn't know she smoked. I guess I don't know a lot of things. She inhales on the cigarette and breathes out the smoke slowly, as if absorbing the good and letting out the bad. I finally manage to look at her, she's trying to hide the pain and hold back the tears. I just gave up. Its as if with every puff of smoke she becomes stronger. I know it's a lie. She's building up these stone walls again. And its all my fault. She throws the cigarette down and I watch it go out.
"Makes you want to give up on me even more right?"
I start to shake my head. No. Never. I'll never give up on you. Only on myself. And the person I've become.
"No. I mean your absolutely right. I am an alcoholic. Hell my life is spiralling out of control constantly. You don't wanna get sucked in."
I don't know what to say. What am I supposed to say? She'll just retaliate even more. Another one of those moments that can ever actually be fixed.
"I completely understand. I mean that's why Richard left. I don't expect you to hang around. You don't have to."
She's saying it so monotonely, as if she's saying it to get it over with, like a warning she does not want to issue.
"Abby..."
My voice died out. It let go.
"I'm giving you your chance to leave with no strings attached. I don't want or expect anything from you."
She starts to get up, rubbing her hands together. I want to move after her. I want to go begging for her forgiveness. For everything that we had. I want it back. I want that simple little life we used to life. Well it wasn't that simple, but it wasn't this complicated. How many times are we going to keep on doing this to each other?
I heard her footsteps at the doorway, and she pauses for a brief minute. I knew about it. I knew she was waiting for me. But I couldn't. I just couldn't. It wasn't physically because I couldn't. Mentally I couldn't. I wasn't giving up. I just needed time to think. Think about how to make this better, how to work everything out. Because I love this woman more than life itself. She just doesn't realize it. And I doubt she really believes it. And I'll never tell her this.
The door slams shut and the lock turns. After what felt like forever, I get up slowly, opening the black iron gate and marching into the path of the storm. I head towards the lakefront. It seems to be my comfort sometimes. Ever since I was a child, maybe it had to do with Bobby. Every time Bobby was able to go out, Grandpa would always take us out to the beach or for a walk on the shore. And I still do it every now and then. It helps me think.
I reach the silent part of the lake, the snow falling at a steady pace. I don't care. I dont' know where I'm supposed to go, what I'm supposed to do. I've never felt more hurt in one day. I've never felt this kind of hurt ever in my life. I hate the person I am. Who I've become. What I've done. I love her. And I knowingly inflicted pain and misery upon her. Not that we don't have our problems. Not that she's perfect. But I love her for who she is, all her insecurities and faults as well.
And I know what its to love and loose. I've done it all. I've never felt like this. Maybe after the stabbing, during rehab. Realizing Lucy wasn't coming back. I could have died. If not for Mark. And I lost him too. I guess I've just started to position myself away from people whom I care about because inevitably they will leave me. I had Mark. And he died. Not that it was his fault. I guess I blamed him, then the fates, them myself. But it's nature. I miss him. I wish he was still here to talk to. He would have helped me. But I need to move on. I'm not moving in the right direction, I know that. But it's the only way I know how to go.
I follow the winding road until the cold is unbearable. But I'm only a few blocks away from the mansion. So I head home. There's nothing more to do. Nothing I can do. The house is at it's usually silence. A reminder that I'm once again, alone and forgotten. After Gamma died, I guess I had no reason to come. Then Abby and Bryce, and I once again found use. Now it just seems like another world I can get lost and lonely in. I tread up the stairs, loosing the battle with warmth. I'm still shivering. I don't care. I throw my coat and scarf on a chair in the hallway. I head into the bathroom, looking at myself in the mirror. I hate the reflection looking back at me. I hate the person looking back at me. I hate myself. I completely hate myself. I open the drawer, looking for my toothbrush. I'm met by the glimmer of some of my razors, shaving cream, brushes, along with the bright orange bottles. I had never been tempted. I don't' know why I kept them. I grab the smallest one, Valium. I open it, looking at the little blue pills that once ran my life. I shut it and throw it onto the counter. I look back at myself. It seems to be the only way out. I need to get rid of the pain. I open the bottle back up, taking two out. Two is all I need. I'll be okay. I'll somehow get throw this. I swallow them, feeling the almost instant release as they go down my throat. It'll only happen once. Just tonight. I'll fix everything tomorrow. Only tonight.
***PREVIEW***
I'm screwed up. I knew it all along, but now its escalated. I'm more then slightly mangled, I'm definitely not just messed up, I'm probably passed the screwed up stage too, on the brink of totally fucked. Not only have I screwed up my life, but my sons, and Carter.