(Welcome to Chapter 2 of "The Evangelion Matrix." If you're looking for a good, serious crossover, go read "To Control the Machines." If you want to see Shinji beat up by Sailor Moon, stick around. Oh, and to the reviewer who lamented that Shinji wasn't working for Nergal...heh heh.)


"You have a problem with authority, Mr. Ikari," Yurika Misumaru stated, looking sweetly at Shinji. That always disconcerted him. He expected to be chewed out, but to be chewed out while his boss giggled at him was scary. "You believe that you are special, that somehow the rules do not apply to you." Shinji decided that now was a good time to inspect his shoes for lint. "Well, I'm sorry, Shinji, really. Nergal Heavy Industries is one of the top software companies in the world and is a vital part of ConHugeCo, because every single employee understands that they are part of a whole. Thus, if an employee has a problem, the company has a problem."

I've got a problem all right, Shinji thought. I've been staying up too late and now I'm hallucinating about secret messages in DOS format and a cabbit.

Yurika saw she wasn't paying any attention to him. "Oh, I'm just not good at this chewing out stuff! Mr. Ikari, pay attention!" She slammed her hands down on her desk, and Shinji looked up. "The time has come to make a choice, Mr. Ikari," Mishima continued. "Either you choose to be at your desk on time from this day forward, or you choose to find yourself another job. And then I'll cry a lot. And you don't want to see me cry, do you?"

Shinji nodded vigorously. "Yes, Miss Misumaru. I mean, no, no I don't want to see you cry."

"Well, that's good. Okay, go on to work." Shinji turned and left the office, but not before he heard Yurika sigh, "I wish Ruri was still here...she was better at this discipline thing..."


Three hours later, Shinji had gotten bored with writing code and was now playing Push Push on his computer. After all, Miss Misumaru had told him he had to be at work on time, not that he actually had to do something while there.

Shinji looked up as a harried-looking bicycle rider came to the door of his cubicle. "Shinji Ikari?" he puffed out.

"That's me," Shinji replied affably.

"Package for you." He handed Shinji a thick envelope. "Just sign here." Shinji did so. "Okay, great. Have a nice day." He turned and walked off.

That's funny. I didn't order a package or anything today. Too small to be that complete Dragon Pink I ordered off eBay... Shinji opened the package and shook it. A cell phone dropped into his hand. Shinji was peering at it carefully when suddenly it began to ring, playing the tune of "Fly Me to the Moon."

"Hello?" Shinji said into the reciever, feeling ridiculous.

"Hello, Shinji. Do you know who this is?"

Let's see. Deep voice. Mysterious contact. Aha! "James Earl Jones?"

"Ha ha. Try again. Tall guy, dark glasses."

Shinji wracked his brain for an answer. "Ray Charles."

"No, no. You've been looking for me–"

"Oh, hi, Morpheus."

"Yes, there you go. I've been looking for you, Third Child. I don't know if you're ready to see what I want to show you, but unfortunately you and I have run out of time. They're coming for you, Shinji, and I don't know what they're going to do."

"Who's coming for me?" Shinji asked. Suddenly the day was getting weird.

"Stand up and see for yourself."

Shinji looked around him. How was Morpheus watching him? "What, right now?"

"Just do what I tell you! Do it slowly. The elevator."

Shinji did as he was told, straightening up slowly and looking towards the elevator. It dinged open, discharging three women in severely-cut black suits and blood-red bowties. They looked directly at him, the one in the lead stiffarming the slobbering delivery rider aside, who had begun to babble about wanting to graze through their veldt. Shinji dropped to the ground. "Oh, shit."

"Yes, you got that one right," Morpheus half-snickered.

"What the hell do they want from me?"

"I don't know, but if you don't want to find out, I suggest you get out of there."

"How?"

"I can guide you, but you must do exactly as I say."

Must run away, must run away, must run away... "Okay," Shinji agreed.

"The cubicle across from you is empty." Actually, it was occupied by one of Shinji's coworkers, but he had gone to the water cooler four hours ago and had yet to return.

"What if they..." Shinji began.

"Go, now!" Morpheus snapped, and Shinji sprang across the corridor into the empty cubicle. He grabbed a stuffed Pikachu pillow and hid behind it. "Good. Stay here for just a moment. When I tell you, go to the end of the row, to the office at the end of the all. Stay as low as you can." There was a pause. "Go!"

Shinji scuttled down the corridor, avoiding the searching Scouts, holding Pikachu over his head. No one paid him any attention. He crabwalked past the copier and into Miss Misumaru's office.

"Was that Shinji?" one of the assistant managers asked as she flipped through her copies.

"Yeah," the other woman replied. "Don't pay him any mind. He does this every now and then."

"Shinji?" Yurika asked as he walked in. "What are you–"

Thinking quickly, Shinji said, "Mr. Tenkawa sent me in to tell you he's downstairs in the employee lounge with bells on!"

"EEEEE!" Yurika screeched happily. She jumped up from her desk and ran out the open door. "Akito! Akito!"

Shinji closed the door behind him and the drapes for good measure. "Good work. I knew you had it in you." Morpheus said. "Now, outside there is a scaffold."

Shinji walked over to Miss Mishima's desk. "How do you know all this?"

"Because I'm smart. We don't have time, Shinji."

Shinji looked outside the window. Sure enough, there was a scaffold there, used to clean the windows of the high-rise office building. "To your left there's a window. Go to it," Morpheus ordered. Shinji did so, feeling ridiculous. "Open it." Shinji did that as well. "Good. You can use the scaffold to get to the roof."

It sounded reasonable enough. However, as Shinji took a hesitant step onto the ledge, he also noticed that it was about an eighty story drop to the ground. "No way! This is crazy!" he whispered into the phone.

"There are two ways out of this building," Morpheus said. "One is that scaffold, the other is in their custody. You take a chance either way. I leave it to you." The line clicked off.

Yeah, but in their custody, I can be reasonably assured that I won't be killed. "This is insane," he mumbled to himself. "What did I do? I'm nobody special." He climbed out onto the ledge. Between him and the scaffold was a steel supporting beam. He took two steps towards it, clutching the cell phone in one hand, leaving Pikachu in the office. He looked down once, nearly threw up, and started to crawl around the support beam.

A gust of wind hammered him from the side. Shinji yelped, nearly slipped, and grabbed onto the beam for dear life. The phone sailed out of his hand and fell towards the street. "I can't do this," he whimpered. "Pikachu, I choose you." He carefully made his way back to the office.


Ten minutes later, Shinji Ikari, newly unemployed and under arrest, was led out of Mishima Heavy Industries by the three Scouts. They roughly stuffed him in the back of their sedan, ignoring the paramedics surrounding an unconscious delivery rider, smacked in the head by a falling cell phone. Serena looked over and noticed a very familiar red bodysuit.

"Schiesse," Asuka Langely Soryu grumbled as she gunned the motorcycle and drove off.


Hall of Justice

14 June 2020


Shinji Ikari sat in a room bare of any furnishings other than a steel table and a folding chair. Well, now I can't run away, he groused. I really messed up this time.

The door opened and the three Scouts walked in. The lead Scout, carrying a manila folder with his name stamped on it, took a seat, while the blonde with the large bowtie in her hair and the brunette took up positions to either side of Shinji, looking as if they would like nothing better than to see how many times he could bounce off the ceiling.

Serena took her time in opening the folder, knowing she was making Shinji's mind feed on itself, making him dream up all sort of unpleasantness. Finally, she opened it and idly leafed through its rather substantial contents. Finally, she looked up at Shinji. He could see his reflection in her tinted sunglasses. "As you can see, we've had our eye on you for some time now, Mr. Ikari. It seems that you've been living two lives." She held up a photograph, showing a casually dressed Shinji, laughing. "In one life, you're Shinji Ikari, program writer for a respectable...well, fairly respectable software company. You attend Anime Central, you pay your taxes, and you help Grandmother Hina carry out her garbage." Serena nodded appreciatively and picked up another photo. This one showed Shinji dressed in white body armor, looking pensive. Her half-smile disappeared instantly. "The other life is lived in computers, where you go by the hacker alias the Third Child, and are guilty of virtually every computer crime we have a law for." Serena sighed. "One of these lives has a future...and one does not." She took off her sunglasses, fixing Shinji with big blue eyes. "I'm going to be as nice as I can, Mr. Ikari. You're here because we need your help. We know that you've been contacted by a certain individual, a man who calls himself Morpheus. Now whatever you think you know about this man is irrevelant. He is considered by many authorities to be the most dangerous man alive." She motioned at Scout Raye and Mina. "My friends believe that I am wasting my time with you, but I believe you wish to do the right thing, right? We're willing to wipe the slate clean..." Serena shoved aside the folder to demonstrate "...give you a fresh start. And all that we're asking in return is your cooperation in bringing a known terrorist to justice." She smiled.

Shinji nodded. "Wow, that sounds like a really good deal, but um...I don't wanna."

Serena clasped her hands together in front of her and opened her eyes as wide as they would go, fluttering her eyelashes. "Pleeease? In the name of truth and justice?"

"Er...no. Um...can I have ny phone call instead?"

Serena's cute look disappeared. She put back on her sunglasses. "Mr. Ikari. You disappoint me." She sighed. "In the name of the moon, I shall have to punish you."

"But...all I want is my phone call..."

Serena reached behind her and pulled out a piece of paper with kanji symbols written on it. "And tell me, Mr. Ikari, what good is a phone call, if you're unable to speak?" And with that, she slapped the paper over his mouth. Shinji screamed, but it only came out as a muffled moan. He stood and fell backwards into the wall, stumbling over his chair. Raye and Mina jerked him upright, tore his shirt off, and slammed him against the table. "I'm really sorry about this," Serena said, "but you're going to help us, whether you want to or not." From a back pocket she withdrew a red and white ball and held it over his stomach. The ball opened, and a creature hopped out and landed on his stomach. Shinji thrashed around and screamed for all he was worth, but the Scouts only looked on indifferently. The creature found his navel and began to burrow in...


"....AAAAAAA!!!" Shinji sat upright and nearly fell out of his bed. What...what the– He looked up. A familiar ceiling... "It was all a dream," he said. "Just a dream." He pulled up his shirt and looked at his stomach. There was nothing there. "That's it," he said aloud. "No more pistacho ice cream and salsa before bed." He drew up his legs, which were still under the covers.

Just then, his phone began to ring. "Errg...damn telemarketers..." Shinji picked up the phone. "Hello."

"This line is tapped, so I must be brief." It was Morpheus' voice. But how... "They got to you first," he continued, "but they've underestimated how important you are. If they knew what I know, you'd probably be dead. And that would be inconvienent, especially for you."

"What are you talking about?" Shinji demanded. "This is crazy! That was just a dream."

"Was it?" Morpheus sounded faintly amused. "Pull down the covers and take a look what you're wearing."

Shinji, wondering if he should just give up and go crazy, threw off the covers. "AAGGHH! They dressed me in a fuku! What is happening to me?!"

"You are the Third Child, Shinji. You see, you may have spent the last few months looking for me, but I've spent most of my entire life looking for you. Now do you still want to meet?"

Shinji was quickly undoing the pleated skirt. Now he was mad. "Yeah."

"Then go to the Koike Bridge." The line clicked off.


Shinji, now dressed in slacks and a shirt, waited under the Koike Bridge. He shivered, both with cold and the memory of waking up in a dress. As he stomped his feet, trying to stay warm, a car drove up and slid to a halt. The rear door opened. "Get in," Asuka ordered. Shinji got in.

He was just putting on his seat belt when a strangely-familiar girl with short blue hair stuck a very large pistol in his face. "What the hell–" Shinji spluttered.

"It's necessary, Shinji," Asuka said. "For our protection."

"From what?"

"From you." Asuka managed to keep a straight face with that one.

"Take off your shirt," the blue-haired girl said tonelessly.

"But, um, shouldn't we get to know each other first–"

"Stop the car, Toji." The big man behind the wheel turned onto a deserted street and parked. Then the blue-haired girl slapped Shinji. "Listen to me. We do not have time for this. It is the way of the group or the interstate." The girl thought for a moment. "No, that is not right..."

"God, Rei, you are pathetic." Asuka rolled her eyes. "Our way or the highway, Shinji."

"Um...okay."

"Toji, drive. Now lie back and lift up your shirt, Shinji."

Hey, this is kind of kewl, Shinji thought. Taking off my shirt in front of two cute girls. Then Asuka reached under the seat and pulled out a giant contraption that looked like a cross between a motorcycle's front end and a medieval torture device. "What the–what's that thing?!"

"It's a lickety-split potato peeler," Asuka snapped. "Now just try and relax." She stuck the suction cup on Shinji's stomach and switched on a scanner. "Ew...what did you eat last, Shinji...come on, come on...a-ha!"

"It is on the move," Rei said quietly. Shinji did feel something moving in his stomach, and Asuka followed the movement, sliding the device across Shinji's belly.

"Shit," Asuka growled. "Damn thing just gave me the finger!"

Abruptly, Shinji realized something. He tried to hold it back, but it burst from his mouth. "Hee hee...bwahahaha!" Asuka and Rei glared at him. "I'm sorry..." Shinji struggled out. "It...it tickles!"

"You are going to lose it," Rei advised.

"No, I'm not," Asuka replied. With one hand, she grabbed a tire iron and hit Shinji in the head with it. He stopped laughing. "Clear!" Asuka squeezed two triggers, and electricity shot from the barrel of the contraption and into Shinji's stomach. Something burst from his navel and was sucked into the device, to end up in a clear plastic globe below the triggers. Shinji, holding a now-aching head, looked at it. It was round, pink, and had blue eyes the same color as Scout Serena's. "That–that thing's real?!"

"A Jigglypuff," Rei nodded. "A tracker." Asuka gingerly reached in and tossed it out the window. "Toji, head for the hotel."


Maison Ikkoku Hotel

14 June 2020


The four of them walked out of an elevator at the top floor of the hotel. Shinji looked around. The hotel was old, the paint peeling off the walls, the air musty and damp. The wooden floor of the corridor squeaked dangerously as they strode down it, finally coming to the door at the end. Asuka reached out to grab the doorknob, and hesitated. She looked at Shinji. "This is it, Third Child. Let me give you a piece of advice. Be honest. He knows more than you can imagine."

"I can imagine quite a–" Shinji began.

"Don't say it!" She opened the door and showed Shinji inside. Shinji walked through, gulping as the door was shut solidly behind him.

The room was large and in better condition than the corridor, though it still needed a coat of paint. Two overstuffed chairs were in the center of the room, on an expensive looking if slightly ratty Persian rug. Shinji's attention, however, was drawn to the man standing at the far end, hands clasped behind his back. He wore dark pants and a dark jacket, trimmed in yellow. His hands were covered by white gloves. He seemed strangely familiar, but then Shinji had been dealing with deja vu all night.

Then the man turned around, and Shinji's mouth dropped. "It's...you...you're Morpheus?!"

"Well, who did you expect?"

"But...why now, father? After all these years!"

Gendo Ikari, alias Morpheus, smiled sadly. "I imagine that right now you're feeling a bit like Alice, tumbling down the rabbit hole."

"Actually, no, I feel like Luke Skywalker, just before he jumped into the central core of Cloud City!" Shinji stabbed a finger towards his father. "You left me! After mom died–you just walked away–you just left!"

Gendo shook his head. "Those memories are...not quite accurate, Shinji."

"I hate you."

Gendo walked to one of the chairs and sat down. "Shinji, sit down. Give me a chance to explain."

"Why should I?" Shinji folded his arms over his chest defiantly.

"Because you always wanted me to."

Shinji stood motionless for a moment, then stomped over and sat down, staring daggers at a man he had not seen in fifteen years. Gendo leaned back and steepled his hands, bracing his elbows on the armrests. "Shinji, you have the look of a man who accepts what he sees because he is expecting to wake up. Ironically, this is not far from the truth." Gendo stared at his son over the tinted glasses he wore. "Do you believe in fate, Shinji?"

"No," Shinji half-snarled.

"Why not?"

"Dad, I've been from one end of cyberspace to another and I've seen a lot of strange things, but never–"

Gendo held up a hand. "Don't say it. But I know exactly what you mean. Let me tell you why you're here. First of all, if you weren't, it would be a very short story and boring at that. Second, you know something. What you know you can't explain. But you feel it. You've felt it your entire life. That all's not right with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind driving you mad."

My head does hurt, Shinji thought to himself, but that's because you just showed up out of nowhere. And because Asuka hit me in the head with a tire iron, and that Rei girl slapped me. Why is everyone picking on me?

"Do you know what I'm talking about?" Gendo was asking.

"The Evangelion Matrix," Shinji replied.

"Do you want to know what it is?"

"Does Kuma take a dump in the woods?"

Gendo smiled thinly. "The Eva Matrix is everywhere. It is all around us, even now in this very room." Shinji began to look around. "You can see it when you look at your walls and when you turn on Big Robot Week on Toonami. You can feel it when you go to work, when you go to church–"

"Um, dad...I don't go to church, because I'm Shinto–"

"Silence! It is the wool that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth."

"What truth?" Shinji asked. He couldn't see anything.

"That you are an otaku poseur, Shinji. Like everyone else you were born into bondage, born into a prison of reruns, Fox Kids, and Gundam Wing. A prison for your mind." Gendo leaned forward. "Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Eva Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself."

He reached down and opened a box, holding it towards Shinji. "This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the chocolate flavored pocky, and the story ends. You wake up in your bed and believe what you want to believe, and the author will kick your ass for ruining his fanfic. You take the strawberry-vanilla pocky, you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes."

Shinji thought a moment, then reached out for the box. Gendo's voice stopped him. "Remember...all I'm offering is the truth, nothing more." Shinji gave him a dirty look and grabbed the strawberry-vanilla pocky. Staring defiantly at his father, he devoured the pocky and licked his fingers. His face brightened. "Hey, that's not half bad!"

Gendo smiled. "Follow me."