She's starting to get on my nerves and this headache that is making my head pound with every slight sound isn't helping either. She's been asking me if something's wrong all night. Nothing's wrong. The only thing that's wrong is that she's an alcoholic and I'm supposed to be here to hold her up and help her though it all. Because that's the person I am, I'll help anybody and do anything for them. I move to the other end of the couch and put my head down on pillow. The lights are starting to get to me, and I swear I"m going to go insane if something drops or I have to open my eyes to light brighter than the lamp we have on. I start to rub my temples but it seems to make the pain even worse. I can't function like this. It hurt everything hurts so unbelievable. As much as I wish Abby and I could be problem-free I've just realized it's not going to happen. And I don't know if I"ll be able to make it. I open my eyes and she's looking at me strangely.
"I have a headache."
I spit it out at her. I'm not even going to try to be nice. It's the headache, but besides that everything is just fine. I'm not the one dependent on alcohol to get through a day remember. She starts to move towards me and I push her away. I'm not in the mood. Can't she get it. I wish she would just stop being so self centred and think that I might be in a large amount of pain right now and I'm not in the mood to deal with any of her bullshit?
"You want some Tylenol or something?"
I shake my head no. When I said no painkillers after rehab I meant it. I just don't want to get sucked into that vortex again. And a headache is something so minor. Something major I might consider it, but a simple headache. I've deal with worse. Hell she doesn't know enough about me to know that. She doesn't know me at all. Sometimes I don't understand why I"m with her. She's great when she's sober and happy. But that's once in a blue moon. She walks over to me and pulls my hand out to presumably check my pulse, I pull it back. My pulse is racing. I can feel it every time my damn head pounds. She reaches for it again.
"Can you do me a favor and just leave me alone?"
She gives me a short, dejected look and questions me with her gaze again. I close my eyes and put my head back against the pillow. She reaches to brush the hair out of my face and I move away from her. God would she just stop. Her touch is like fire to me. I know I'm probably acting a little weird but I just can't get rid of this headache. I can't function like this. I start to get up, heading for my coat on the chair.
"I'm going home, I need to lie down."
I hear her footsteps behind me and she stops me. She starts to pull me toward her bedroom.
"Stay here. I'll take the couch."
I squint my eyes, not ready to argue with her at all. I just give in. My hand goes to turn the doorknob and I realize my hands are shaking. Not noticeably but they are. My whole body feels like it's shaking. The world seems to be spinning a bit. I finally make it to the bed and lie down, she throws the covers over me. She heads over to the head of the bed and she looks at me, probably running her doctors skills into overdrive.
"I'm fine. Just let me sleep."
She looks unconvinced but heads outside. I can't keep doing this. I can't stay with her. She's persistent, nagging, screwed up. I just can't put myself through this everyday of my entire life. Bryce is Bryce, I'd die for him. But she's a different story. Who else could ever be so fucking depressed and miserable twenty-four / seven? Now I understand why Bryce sometimes does not want to go home. And why did I get involved so much? It's pointless. Hell she's probably drinking the room next door. The light coming through the blinds is so blinding. It hurts so much. I can't deal with this. I turn over to the opposite side and cover my eyes with a pillow. I need to sleep. I need to let these feelings go away. I can't function. Breathing hurts so much. Living hurts even more. I try to relax but I can't. Every muscle in my body retaliates against any form of movement.
I've got to start pulling my life together. I can't keep dealing with these rollarcoaster rides and fights and everything. It's not worth it. I used to think it would be. But she'll never change. And I don't want her the way she is right now. It's not what I thought. She seemed different before. And now I see her for who she really is, the self-centered miserable alcoholic. And obviously she's happy that way. I'm not going to deal with it. As far as I'm concerned it's been over. I just, I just held on for Bryce, but he's young, he'll get over it.
I'm breathing a bit faster than I should be and it's hurting to do so. Every breathe I take makes my head pound even more. And I don't know what to do or how to fix it. I run my hand though my hair, the shadows on the wall from the streetlamps are glowing brighter and brighter. I close my eyes again. I can't stay in a position. Everything either inflicts pain or more pain. I need to get rid of it. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep doing this. I curl my legs up close to me, digging my head away from the light. My back instantly screams out in protest. But at least it derives attention from my aching head.. I loosen it a bit and it's a position that is nearly comfortable. I stop squinting my eyes, and let my face muscles relax. I need to fall asleep. I can't sleep. I need to. I look at the clock. It's 12:39. I've been here for almost 3 hours lying in this bed and I don't know where the time went. All I know is the pain is worse than ever. Please. Make it stop. Anything to make it stop. Anything.
I watch the clock tick minute after minute, hour after hour. The red glow of the lights reflecting more shadows upon the walls, like knives cutting into the most delicate skin and letting the blood trickle down. The pain and the release. None of which I have had. I fell asleep for a brief period. But it didn't do anything. My head is worse then ever, the shaking has gotten twice as bad as before. It's probably the flu. Or whatever Bryce had. The changes in temperature, the sudden chills and then the sudden heat flashes. It all adds up. I just can't deal anymore. I see the sun coming up and decide to get out of bed. I can't stay in here all day. I have a Foundation meeting and I need to get home to change. And then I have a shift. A cup of coffee should help. I put my feet onto the cold wooden floor, but as soon as I stand up, the light headedness begins, pulling me back down onto the bed. My head throbbing, throbbing as if the world is about to fall on my head, and it wouldn't even take the pain away. I attempt to stand up again, and somehow it manages to work. I haven't slept in over 36 hours. I'm a walking nightmare. But I"ll be okay after a shower. And then I"ll come home and go back to bed. I'll try to sleep. Hopefully this pain will disperse. It hasn't yet. I walk towards the kitchen, still testing my walking ability. The room seems to spin a little, but that's probably because I didn't eat last night. I see Abby sitting at the table with a cup of coffee and the paper. She looks up at me and smiles. I smile back. I don't want the questions nor the commentary. I walk over to her and give her a kiss on the cheek.
"I'm sorry about last night. I was really out of it."
She nods her head understandingly.
"Do you feel better?"
I nod my head giving her another kiss and I hear her giggle a bit. God I did not need that. My head. I just want to grab it and sink down to the floor.
"Good, cause you had me worried for a while."
I grab her hand, god what else can I do to have her leave me alone?
"Well thank you, but really I'm fine."
She runs her hands through my hair and gives me a kiss on the cheek. I think she believes I'm fine. She just doesn't know about the hammering in my head.
"I gotta run, I have a foundation meeting this morning, then a shift."
She stands up heading over to get me a cup of coffee.
"So you coming back here tonight?"
I shake my head. Heaven forbid I ever come back here willingly. At least not to her. I need to figure out how to tell her. And I hate lying to her face. But obviously I'm good at it because she's eating it out of the palm of my hand.
"I'm going to the mansion, to take care of something. I"ll see you tomorrow though."
She smiles and hands me a cup of coffee.
"I'm glad you feel better."
I nod my head. If you only knew.
"Yeah me too."
She hands me my coat and I put it on. I head over to her for another kiss. She's a good fuck. But that's the only worthwhile reason I can see for staying with her.
"I love you."
I look her in her eyes, a little trick I'm come to know. Look a person in the eyes, and they'll believe anything you say.
"I love you too."
She kisses me again and I start to head out the door. I hate lying to her, but what else am I supposed to do. Otherwise she would just be a bigger pain in the ass. And I don't need this. I have to deal with thirteen rowdy lawyers in about an hour. I don't need her nor this headache but I don't have a choice.
"I have a headache."
I spit it out at her. I'm not even going to try to be nice. It's the headache, but besides that everything is just fine. I'm not the one dependent on alcohol to get through a day remember. She starts to move towards me and I push her away. I'm not in the mood. Can't she get it. I wish she would just stop being so self centred and think that I might be in a large amount of pain right now and I'm not in the mood to deal with any of her bullshit?
"You want some Tylenol or something?"
I shake my head no. When I said no painkillers after rehab I meant it. I just don't want to get sucked into that vortex again. And a headache is something so minor. Something major I might consider it, but a simple headache. I've deal with worse. Hell she doesn't know enough about me to know that. She doesn't know me at all. Sometimes I don't understand why I"m with her. She's great when she's sober and happy. But that's once in a blue moon. She walks over to me and pulls my hand out to presumably check my pulse, I pull it back. My pulse is racing. I can feel it every time my damn head pounds. She reaches for it again.
"Can you do me a favor and just leave me alone?"
She gives me a short, dejected look and questions me with her gaze again. I close my eyes and put my head back against the pillow. She reaches to brush the hair out of my face and I move away from her. God would she just stop. Her touch is like fire to me. I know I'm probably acting a little weird but I just can't get rid of this headache. I can't function like this. I start to get up, heading for my coat on the chair.
"I'm going home, I need to lie down."
I hear her footsteps behind me and she stops me. She starts to pull me toward her bedroom.
"Stay here. I'll take the couch."
I squint my eyes, not ready to argue with her at all. I just give in. My hand goes to turn the doorknob and I realize my hands are shaking. Not noticeably but they are. My whole body feels like it's shaking. The world seems to be spinning a bit. I finally make it to the bed and lie down, she throws the covers over me. She heads over to the head of the bed and she looks at me, probably running her doctors skills into overdrive.
"I'm fine. Just let me sleep."
She looks unconvinced but heads outside. I can't keep doing this. I can't stay with her. She's persistent, nagging, screwed up. I just can't put myself through this everyday of my entire life. Bryce is Bryce, I'd die for him. But she's a different story. Who else could ever be so fucking depressed and miserable twenty-four / seven? Now I understand why Bryce sometimes does not want to go home. And why did I get involved so much? It's pointless. Hell she's probably drinking the room next door. The light coming through the blinds is so blinding. It hurts so much. I can't deal with this. I turn over to the opposite side and cover my eyes with a pillow. I need to sleep. I need to let these feelings go away. I can't function. Breathing hurts so much. Living hurts even more. I try to relax but I can't. Every muscle in my body retaliates against any form of movement.
I've got to start pulling my life together. I can't keep dealing with these rollarcoaster rides and fights and everything. It's not worth it. I used to think it would be. But she'll never change. And I don't want her the way she is right now. It's not what I thought. She seemed different before. And now I see her for who she really is, the self-centered miserable alcoholic. And obviously she's happy that way. I'm not going to deal with it. As far as I'm concerned it's been over. I just, I just held on for Bryce, but he's young, he'll get over it.
I'm breathing a bit faster than I should be and it's hurting to do so. Every breathe I take makes my head pound even more. And I don't know what to do or how to fix it. I run my hand though my hair, the shadows on the wall from the streetlamps are glowing brighter and brighter. I close my eyes again. I can't stay in a position. Everything either inflicts pain or more pain. I need to get rid of it. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep doing this. I curl my legs up close to me, digging my head away from the light. My back instantly screams out in protest. But at least it derives attention from my aching head.. I loosen it a bit and it's a position that is nearly comfortable. I stop squinting my eyes, and let my face muscles relax. I need to fall asleep. I can't sleep. I need to. I look at the clock. It's 12:39. I've been here for almost 3 hours lying in this bed and I don't know where the time went. All I know is the pain is worse than ever. Please. Make it stop. Anything to make it stop. Anything.
I watch the clock tick minute after minute, hour after hour. The red glow of the lights reflecting more shadows upon the walls, like knives cutting into the most delicate skin and letting the blood trickle down. The pain and the release. None of which I have had. I fell asleep for a brief period. But it didn't do anything. My head is worse then ever, the shaking has gotten twice as bad as before. It's probably the flu. Or whatever Bryce had. The changes in temperature, the sudden chills and then the sudden heat flashes. It all adds up. I just can't deal anymore. I see the sun coming up and decide to get out of bed. I can't stay in here all day. I have a Foundation meeting and I need to get home to change. And then I have a shift. A cup of coffee should help. I put my feet onto the cold wooden floor, but as soon as I stand up, the light headedness begins, pulling me back down onto the bed. My head throbbing, throbbing as if the world is about to fall on my head, and it wouldn't even take the pain away. I attempt to stand up again, and somehow it manages to work. I haven't slept in over 36 hours. I'm a walking nightmare. But I"ll be okay after a shower. And then I"ll come home and go back to bed. I'll try to sleep. Hopefully this pain will disperse. It hasn't yet. I walk towards the kitchen, still testing my walking ability. The room seems to spin a little, but that's probably because I didn't eat last night. I see Abby sitting at the table with a cup of coffee and the paper. She looks up at me and smiles. I smile back. I don't want the questions nor the commentary. I walk over to her and give her a kiss on the cheek.
"I'm sorry about last night. I was really out of it."
She nods her head understandingly.
"Do you feel better?"
I nod my head giving her another kiss and I hear her giggle a bit. God I did not need that. My head. I just want to grab it and sink down to the floor.
"Good, cause you had me worried for a while."
I grab her hand, god what else can I do to have her leave me alone?
"Well thank you, but really I'm fine."
She runs her hands through my hair and gives me a kiss on the cheek. I think she believes I'm fine. She just doesn't know about the hammering in my head.
"I gotta run, I have a foundation meeting this morning, then a shift."
She stands up heading over to get me a cup of coffee.
"So you coming back here tonight?"
I shake my head. Heaven forbid I ever come back here willingly. At least not to her. I need to figure out how to tell her. And I hate lying to her face. But obviously I'm good at it because she's eating it out of the palm of my hand.
"I'm going to the mansion, to take care of something. I"ll see you tomorrow though."
She smiles and hands me a cup of coffee.
"I'm glad you feel better."
I nod my head. If you only knew.
"Yeah me too."
She hands me my coat and I put it on. I head over to her for another kiss. She's a good fuck. But that's the only worthwhile reason I can see for staying with her.
"I love you."
I look her in her eyes, a little trick I'm come to know. Look a person in the eyes, and they'll believe anything you say.
"I love you too."
She kisses me again and I start to head out the door. I hate lying to her, but what else am I supposed to do. Otherwise she would just be a bigger pain in the ass. And I don't need this. I have to deal with thirteen rowdy lawyers in about an hour. I don't need her nor this headache but I don't have a choice.