The Broomstick

Rating: PG.13-R.18
Chapters: 2/?
Summary: The Gryffindors are taking a crash course in sex education. Their teachers? Draco and Hermione.

Etc: Sexual innuendoes are fun. :D


( Lesson # 2: Treat IT Well. )


You don't suppose he's in shock, do you?

Seamus stifled a chuckle as the whole lot of Gryffindor boys looked at the sleeping - or fainted - form of Neville Longbottom. He shook his head and patted the young man on the floor.

Don't blame the poor bloke for not being sexually experienced. Seamus said, dryly. Of course he's in shock.

Harry and Ron goggled at him, wide-eyed, almost shocked themselves that he had the audacity to state such a thing. Dean, on the other hand, remained on the opposite side of the common room, his head buried into numerous pillow to refrain from a pending uproarious laughter. Of course, this sort of scene was to be expected - where Dean and Seamus would know so much more than their saintly Gryffindor familiars. There were rumours about Dean and Seamus' nightly exploits. Mind you, they were not with each other, although many girls in fifth and sixth year suggested otherwise. As a matter of fact, they reassured everyone that - what was that term?- boy-boy love was absolutely adorable' and that Dean and Seamus are two good-looking boys so the idea is far from repulsive'. Being the pranksters that they were - second to the infamous Weasley twins - they entertained the idea all throughout their years of schooling.

What would you know about being sexually experienced? Ron retorted, ignoring the blush that was staining his cheeks. Unless, of course, you - er - well, you know-

Seamus shook his head, a wily grin spreading across his face.

My dear, ickle Ronnie, he said, watching Ron squirm, my business is my business only. I assure you that I know what sexual entertainment is and that, he emphasized, pointing up the girls' staircase, was very much sexual entertainment. Although, it could have been more entertaining if Malfoy showcased what they were doing to the eager public.

Mainly us, if you're not following. Dean added.

Harry turned another shade of green; Ron blanched; and Neville - well, Neville remained fast asleep, and it would have been no wonder if he intended to stay asleep forever lest he be succumbed to the dirty ways of Seamus Finnegan and Dean Thomas.






At dinner that night, Harry and Ron watched Hermione with such intensity that almost made her cringe. She also noticed the way Neville was completely ignoring her, which was odd considering he usually tried to make conversation with her, and Dean and Seamus couldn't stop laughing on the other end of the Gryffindor table.

Are you guys alright? Hermione asked, suspicious. You lot have been acting rather strange this evening.

Dean doubled over in laughter, apparently finding something funny with her remark. In all honesty, there was nothing funny about it but because he knew something she didn't know ... well, it was so much more entertaining and twisted.

Hermione sighed in annoyance and dropped her fork on her plate with a reverberating clang! and shot Harry and Ron a demanding, yet inquisitive, glance.

What are these two wankers possibly laughing about? Honestly!

She said wanker', Ron thought, frightfully. He decided to share that bit of information with Harry, who gagged on a piece of pumpkin pie wedged in his throat.

Hermione leaned over and patted him on the back.

Goodness, Harry. Are you feeling okay?

Never better. He wheezed and took deep breaths before casting an icy glare in Ron's direction.

Hermione began, would you two mind telling me what Dean and Seamus find so hilarious that you two can't stop looking at me - which happens to be frighteningly creepy to a fault - and Neville hasn't sparked a conversation with me yet?

Ron muttered, Malfoy's what's frighteningly creepy if you ask me.

She stared at him. I'll pretend I didn't hear that. Besides, he isn't even relevant to this discussion.

Seamus cleared his throat as he scooted closer to his Gryffindor friend. Why should she be out of the loop anyhow, he thought devilishly. She was a Gryffindor, after all. He might as well give in to her fancy and provide her with a few helpful hints.





What were you doing this afternoon?

You saw me. I went up with Malfoy, remember? She pointed out, unaware of the now-unconscious Neville and the petrified stares of Harry and Ron.

He nodded. To talk, right?

More or less.

More or less. Seamus repeated slyly, Out of genuine curiosity, why did he bring a broomstick with him? Quidditch season doesn't start for another month if I believe.

Hermione's eyes widened horror, to Harry and Ron's dismay, and she flushed a deep shade of red before regaining her composure - and a rather shaky one at that.

Oh. His broomstick. Well, you see, he was teaching me ... she trailed off, wondering if she should continue? How could she? She had built her reputation by involving herself with books and disassociating herself with anything remotely related to flying and brooms. Add that to the fact that she would be quite mortified if they found out she was not only interested in what was considered un-Hermione like' but that she enjoyed it.

Heavens, what was she supposed to say?

Well, I best be going. She said, hurriedly, and ran out of the Great Hall.

Seamus had laughed during Hermione's interlude of conflicting emotions, but immediately stopped along with the other Gryffindor boys when they spotted Malfoy right on her trail.

Ginny, who had a spoon in mid-air, stared at them with her mouth open. She raised a brow in curiosity, eyeing the gaping boys with a mild curiosity.

Hermione's only going to the library ... She said tentatively.

All she received were glares.






Why do you insist on meeting here? She said, her eyes slightly glazed over.

Hermione looked down to the youth of moongold hair whose head was trapped between the crook between her shoulder and chin. There he gave her playful nips and took gentle licks, sucking on skin here and there. This predicament she found herself in w as one that occurred quite often - too often for her liking. In fact, she was beginning to believe that he would do anything just to push her in the darkest corner of the library just to have a good snog. It was a cute gesture but only Merlin knew how very irritating it became when it happened, oh, every half-an-hour or so.

His tongue moved towards her ear, where he caught her lobe between his teeth and nibbled, lightly. She shuddered.

Okay. So maybe it wasn't as irritating.

Lick.

A whimper escaped her lips.

Oh, fine!

Their meetings, these secret trysts - she enjoyed them, craved them. He was her drug and she wanted all of him.

He pulled away and grinned.

Like that?

Hermione nodded, dumbly.

That'll teach you to disobey my orders.

She saw red. What in the world are you talking about? I followed everything you said, you prat!

I suppose, but you agreed to everything with hesitance. And you brought up Harry's name. He shook his head. I'm beginning to fear that you'd rather ride that bloke's broomstick than mine, love.

Hermione scowled and stomped on his foot; he yeowled.

What the hell are you trying to do, woman? Break me? He tended to his foot, bending over to do so.

Ah, you deserved it. She replied, flippantly. On top of that, let me remind you that I have a name. Not woman' and definitely not

Draco stood straight and glared her in the eye.

I can call you anything I want.





Why, thank you.





Oh, I know I am.

She groaned and rolled her eyes, opting to leave the library.

Draco was stunned.

What'd I say? Hey, do you still want to be tutored tonight? I'm free.

A shoe found its way to his face.






Ron groaned in mock agony - but whether he was really faking it or not was debatable - as he saw Seamus and Dean holding up several pair of Extendable Ears at the foot of the girls' staircase. Harry shook his head, knowing that - again - the night would only end in more confusion, more horrific nightmares of broomsticks and Hermione, and several other things including that pale ferret boy wonder and his best girl friend doing god-knows-what to him. He shuddered.

I think I'm going to be sick. Harry muttered.

What? What's wrong, Harry? Ron inquired, coming to his aid.

He sighed. I was thinking about Draco's broomstick.

Dean and Seamus snickered; Ron gasped; and Neville was nowhere to be seen.

Not like that!

Seamus shook his head. Of course not, Harry, of course not. Now, are you two going to join us on tonight's little eavesdropping spree or are you two going to bed like the cornish pixies that you are?

Not wanting the horrendous title of pixies attached to their name, Harry and Ron scrambled for a pair.






Dammit, Granger! You're not supposed to grab it!

She huffed. Aren't I? Either way, it's just a stick.

Is that all it is to you? A stick? He said, flabbergasted. Unlike you, Granger, I have some prized possessions and this is one prize that I possess.

Hermione sounded thoughtful for a moment before saying, A rather large and long prize. It's probably better than me!

he said slyly, Don't worry, Granger. You look absolutely fetching when you're riding it. Besides, the stick - as you so wonderfully called it - is much more fascinating when you're quivering upon it.

Huh. That would explain why you're riding it so much.

It puts me at ease.

Like Harry?

Potter has no skill whatsoever. He can't ride it like I can. He's not much of a free rider; he does it because he can.

No. He doesn't ride it like you do. Period.



Silence.

He barked, suddenly. What'd I tell you about bringing up his name?

You didn't seem to object earlier.

Yes, but the topic concerned me.

This arrogance of yours is driving me up the wall.

I know I can drive you up the wall. He said matter-of-factly.

A resonating slap! soon followed. He muttered curses and wonderful expletives that seemed to rival muggles' outbursts, thought Hermione. It was a funny thought but she stifled the grin and kept on the straight face. After all, how was he supposed to know that driving someone up the wall' was a muggle expression.

Of course he'd take it the wrong way.

She just didn't think he'd take it that way.

he started suddenly, when I can I drive you up the wall'?






Dean kneeled down next to Seamus.

Think they died?

His friend disagreed with a shake of his head. They're just in shock.

Lacking in sexual experience, I presume?

Oh, most definitely.

Hm. Question, Seamus. Dean said after a long period of silence.



What exactly does that phrase mean?

It's a muggle expression, Dean.





Care to elaborate?

Seamus sniggered and made himself more comfortable next to the fainted bodies of Harry Potter and Ron Weasley. Then, he began his tale of famous muggle expressions, to which Dean responded with eagerness and an attentive ear.