The ringing of the doorbell jumps me out of bed. It's so loud, it's like a hammer or a jack saw going through my head. I finally managed to fall asleep for a little while, and I get woken up. I swear this is starting to piss me off. Whoever is at the door better have a damn good reason for being here. I pull my robe on and loosely tie at the waist. I don't care. I'm hoping to get back to bed, rather back to sleep, soon. I can go to bed. It doesn't necessarily mean I'm going to sleep. I haven't slept in a while. I've gotten past that point where I need it to survive. My organism has grown used to the 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night. Maybe even less sometimes. I reach the door and Agnes is also getting there. I feign a slight smile and she gives me an apologetic glance. Agnes has been here for years. She's the only one I really trust from the staff. I walk towards the door and she hesitates a minute before walking off. Thank god it's only her here today. I would have gone insane. My neck is killing me. God this pain never wants to leave. I open the door slowly and it's Abby. The last person I wanted to see today. She pushes me in and slams the door behind her. I would have retaliated a bit, but I'm still half asleep from prescription Ambient. God I hate the side effect. But I need to sleep. She's looking at me in disbelief, complete and utter disbelief. She's holding a wad of papers in her hand, and rage is written all across her face. God what the hell is her problem.
"What do you want?"
I run my hand through my hair and try to wipe the sleep from my eyes. It doesn't work very well.
"You're a fucking drug addict."
I squint my eyes just a bit, it's taking me a while to register what she said.
"What?"
She whips the papers at me. It's my application to North western. I skim the first sheet and I realize I'm missing my references from County. Damn it, I knew I forgot something. I take the pile and start to sift through it.
"Was."
She's shaking her head no. She doesn't believe me.
"You don't have to fucking believe me."
I start to turn towards the stairs. I don't need any of this. The lights and sounds are only making me more awake and my head pound and my pulse race. I feel her nails digging into my skin, she twists me around with all her strength. I have no energy to retaliate. I just want this to all go away.
She pulls up the sleeve of my robe. Let her. I stopped taking drugs. I'm not a drug addict. She looks at my wrists more closely and finds nothing. Because there is nothing to find. I"m fine. What the fuck, she needs someone else to blame for screwing Bryce up, blame herself. Just keep me out of this. She puts my hand back down and takes a deep breath. I wish she would just leave, get out of my life, once and for all. She wasn't worth it, ever. I can't believe I actually thought I was in love with this woman.
"Leave. I never want to see you again."
She looks down onto the wooden floor. Serves her right to be ashamed and hurt. She doesn't deserve to be treated any other way. I don't need her. I never did.
"Take a drug test."
I give her an ironical little laugh. Not going to happen. I don't have to play around with this. I'm not going to. I start to turn back around and head towards my bedroom. She'll leave, and if not, someone will probably call the cops. I'm in the middle of the stairs, and I hear her voice echo through the whole house.
"Carter."
I keep going, and I hear her footsteps running up towards me. God, I swear she doesn't give up. Just keep away from me. Keep far away from me. Three flights is a long way down and I don't want to hurt her. She runs past me stopping at the head of the stairs, waiting for me. She's not moving. She's blocking my path again, but she's holding her sprained wrist near her body, away from me. I hadn't meant to do it. Hell I didn't do it. She's the one that wouldn't get out of my damn way.
"Why?"
I walk around her and she just watches me go. She knows she's going to loose again.
"Why what?"
I want to get rid of her. I"m not a drug addict. I haven't taken anything since I got back from rehab. Nothing. No morphine, codeine. I"m not a drug addict. She's the damn alcoholic and suddenly I have to have a problem too.
"Why did you start?"
I stop, rolling my eyes, cursing her under my breath.
"I started because I was stabbed in the back with a fucking six inch butcher knife that passed through my damn spinal cord. I could not walk, I spent six months in rehab at County. My medical student was killed. I was supposed to be paralysed from the waist down. And just to make everything better, my family did not show up to see me. I should have died, Abby. There, happy? Get out."
I stand there in the hallway, waiting to hear something from her. Not a sound, nor a movement. I taste the salt on my lips, and quickly wipe away the tears that had fallen. I should have died. I should have fucking died. It would have made the world a better place. Is there a reason for me to be alive? They'll just get a new doctor at county to replace me and I'll slowly wither away under six feet of earth.
"John..."
I'm trying to breathe, but my breaths come out in forced fashions. My heart is racing, I can't see straight. The lights and the pictures, everything blurs together. Expect for the distinct sound of slow breaths behind me.
"You didn't know. And I don't care. Do me a favour and leave me the hell alone."
Silence. Silence so loud you couldn't hear a pin drop. The air so heavy, a knife could slice through it and not even penetrate the first layer.
"And you started again. Because of me."
I shake my head. God that hurt like hell. My neck is screaming out in protest every little move I make.
"No. I didn't start again. I"m not like you. I can hold my own life together."
I would turn around to see her face, but I"m afraid I might actually get some pleasure from it.
"I'm not worthless, depressed, or miserable. I'm not a disappointment or a failure. Like you. Because that's all you are. You fuck up everything around you."
I hear a sob escape from behind me. Weak and fragile. That whole strong woman holding her life together thing was a great cover up for the person she really was. Weak and fragile.
"Why is everything about me and my problems?"
She forms it together between bouts of tears.
"Because it's always you and your problems."
I'm ready to pull my hair out. She's only adding to the constant thumping and throbbing of my head. I don't hear anything for a while, unless the world has turned against me and had given me the magical power of hearing when the air molecules collide with the dust particles. I can hear every single floor board creak. I can hear a dog barking off miles away. I can't go on like this anymore. I'm sending myself to an early grave. Maybe it's for the best.
I feel her hands reaching towards mine, I push her away, harder than I had wanted to. I hear her stumble, but she regains her balance against one of the tables. Would she just fucking leave. She doesn't understand the words get out of my life. She doesn't get it. She keep coming back. I wish she wouldn't. I want her out of my life. I want her gone. I never want to see her again. She tries again. I'm not giving it to her. I don't need her. I don't want her. I don't' need her and her problems, insecurities, fears, doubts. The emotional Roller coaster she sends me on every day. I feel her hand on my shoulder. Pushing her away doesn't work. I just want to be left in peace. Is that too much to ask for. She stops running her hand up and down my arm. It only makes me tense up more. It hurts. Her touch is like fire and knives, all digging into me, all inflicting physical and mental torture on me.
"I never stopped loving you."
She turns on her heels, I hear her footsteps reaching the stairs and hesitating a bit before beginning the descent down.
"Wait."
The seconds seem like hours, the way everything throws itself at me. She's suddenly standing right in front of me, eyes still stained with the aftermath of tears. She puts her hands around me and I can feel the fall coming down. I can feel everything letting go. Like a dam bursting or a waterfall falling. Nothing to hold it back, nothing to make it stop. I keep on falling. The world spinning around me, destroying everything. I"m shaking, I"m sobbing. I don't know where I am or who I am. It's a blur, a mystery I will never uncover. I will never recover. I will never know. I can't keep going. The blackness that engulfed me keeps on feeding on me, pulling me down and enjoying the retched pain I"m in. Its taking me over. It's feeding off my misery. My faults. I hate who I am. I want to leave. I want to die. I want this all to be over, a vague memory of what I was doing on this earth. I'm on the floor, she's still with me. Surprising she's still here. She's rocking back and forth, my head in her lap. I can't go on. I can't keep doing this to myself. To her. I just. I don't' know what I'm supposed to do. I can feel the spirling continue. Everything's out of my grasp. Every dream or goal has suddenly disappeared. And I'm stranded alone. With nothing to guide me, with nothing to help me. Alone. Nothing. In pitch black nothingness.
Black.
Alone.
Nothing.
Alone.
No one.
Out of control.
"What do you want?"
I run my hand through my hair and try to wipe the sleep from my eyes. It doesn't work very well.
"You're a fucking drug addict."
I squint my eyes just a bit, it's taking me a while to register what she said.
"What?"
She whips the papers at me. It's my application to North western. I skim the first sheet and I realize I'm missing my references from County. Damn it, I knew I forgot something. I take the pile and start to sift through it.
"Was."
She's shaking her head no. She doesn't believe me.
"You don't have to fucking believe me."
I start to turn towards the stairs. I don't need any of this. The lights and sounds are only making me more awake and my head pound and my pulse race. I feel her nails digging into my skin, she twists me around with all her strength. I have no energy to retaliate. I just want this to all go away.
She pulls up the sleeve of my robe. Let her. I stopped taking drugs. I'm not a drug addict. She looks at my wrists more closely and finds nothing. Because there is nothing to find. I"m fine. What the fuck, she needs someone else to blame for screwing Bryce up, blame herself. Just keep me out of this. She puts my hand back down and takes a deep breath. I wish she would just leave, get out of my life, once and for all. She wasn't worth it, ever. I can't believe I actually thought I was in love with this woman.
"Leave. I never want to see you again."
She looks down onto the wooden floor. Serves her right to be ashamed and hurt. She doesn't deserve to be treated any other way. I don't need her. I never did.
"Take a drug test."
I give her an ironical little laugh. Not going to happen. I don't have to play around with this. I'm not going to. I start to turn back around and head towards my bedroom. She'll leave, and if not, someone will probably call the cops. I'm in the middle of the stairs, and I hear her voice echo through the whole house.
"Carter."
I keep going, and I hear her footsteps running up towards me. God, I swear she doesn't give up. Just keep away from me. Keep far away from me. Three flights is a long way down and I don't want to hurt her. She runs past me stopping at the head of the stairs, waiting for me. She's not moving. She's blocking my path again, but she's holding her sprained wrist near her body, away from me. I hadn't meant to do it. Hell I didn't do it. She's the one that wouldn't get out of my damn way.
"Why?"
I walk around her and she just watches me go. She knows she's going to loose again.
"Why what?"
I want to get rid of her. I"m not a drug addict. I haven't taken anything since I got back from rehab. Nothing. No morphine, codeine. I"m not a drug addict. She's the damn alcoholic and suddenly I have to have a problem too.
"Why did you start?"
I stop, rolling my eyes, cursing her under my breath.
"I started because I was stabbed in the back with a fucking six inch butcher knife that passed through my damn spinal cord. I could not walk, I spent six months in rehab at County. My medical student was killed. I was supposed to be paralysed from the waist down. And just to make everything better, my family did not show up to see me. I should have died, Abby. There, happy? Get out."
I stand there in the hallway, waiting to hear something from her. Not a sound, nor a movement. I taste the salt on my lips, and quickly wipe away the tears that had fallen. I should have died. I should have fucking died. It would have made the world a better place. Is there a reason for me to be alive? They'll just get a new doctor at county to replace me and I'll slowly wither away under six feet of earth.
"John..."
I'm trying to breathe, but my breaths come out in forced fashions. My heart is racing, I can't see straight. The lights and the pictures, everything blurs together. Expect for the distinct sound of slow breaths behind me.
"You didn't know. And I don't care. Do me a favour and leave me the hell alone."
Silence. Silence so loud you couldn't hear a pin drop. The air so heavy, a knife could slice through it and not even penetrate the first layer.
"And you started again. Because of me."
I shake my head. God that hurt like hell. My neck is screaming out in protest every little move I make.
"No. I didn't start again. I"m not like you. I can hold my own life together."
I would turn around to see her face, but I"m afraid I might actually get some pleasure from it.
"I'm not worthless, depressed, or miserable. I'm not a disappointment or a failure. Like you. Because that's all you are. You fuck up everything around you."
I hear a sob escape from behind me. Weak and fragile. That whole strong woman holding her life together thing was a great cover up for the person she really was. Weak and fragile.
"Why is everything about me and my problems?"
She forms it together between bouts of tears.
"Because it's always you and your problems."
I'm ready to pull my hair out. She's only adding to the constant thumping and throbbing of my head. I don't hear anything for a while, unless the world has turned against me and had given me the magical power of hearing when the air molecules collide with the dust particles. I can hear every single floor board creak. I can hear a dog barking off miles away. I can't go on like this anymore. I'm sending myself to an early grave. Maybe it's for the best.
I feel her hands reaching towards mine, I push her away, harder than I had wanted to. I hear her stumble, but she regains her balance against one of the tables. Would she just fucking leave. She doesn't understand the words get out of my life. She doesn't get it. She keep coming back. I wish she wouldn't. I want her out of my life. I want her gone. I never want to see her again. She tries again. I'm not giving it to her. I don't need her. I don't want her. I don't' need her and her problems, insecurities, fears, doubts. The emotional Roller coaster she sends me on every day. I feel her hand on my shoulder. Pushing her away doesn't work. I just want to be left in peace. Is that too much to ask for. She stops running her hand up and down my arm. It only makes me tense up more. It hurts. Her touch is like fire and knives, all digging into me, all inflicting physical and mental torture on me.
"I never stopped loving you."
She turns on her heels, I hear her footsteps reaching the stairs and hesitating a bit before beginning the descent down.
"Wait."
The seconds seem like hours, the way everything throws itself at me. She's suddenly standing right in front of me, eyes still stained with the aftermath of tears. She puts her hands around me and I can feel the fall coming down. I can feel everything letting go. Like a dam bursting or a waterfall falling. Nothing to hold it back, nothing to make it stop. I keep on falling. The world spinning around me, destroying everything. I"m shaking, I"m sobbing. I don't know where I am or who I am. It's a blur, a mystery I will never uncover. I will never recover. I will never know. I can't keep going. The blackness that engulfed me keeps on feeding on me, pulling me down and enjoying the retched pain I"m in. Its taking me over. It's feeding off my misery. My faults. I hate who I am. I want to leave. I want to die. I want this all to be over, a vague memory of what I was doing on this earth. I'm on the floor, she's still with me. Surprising she's still here. She's rocking back and forth, my head in her lap. I can't go on. I can't keep doing this to myself. To her. I just. I don't' know what I'm supposed to do. I can feel the spirling continue. Everything's out of my grasp. Every dream or goal has suddenly disappeared. And I'm stranded alone. With nothing to guide me, with nothing to help me. Alone. Nothing. In pitch black nothingness.
Black.
Alone.
Nothing.
Alone.
No one.
Out of control.