Authors Note- yet another chapter today.... these ones are complete with review responses and previews though!!!
"Bryce has been on a roller coaster of emotions this year. Ranging from happy to sad, from energetic to depressed, and it is hard for us to pinpoint the exact cause of this." Mrs. Lamb, Bryce's fifth grade teacher tells Bryce and I. I look down at my son, and he smiles slightly. "Mrs. Lamb, I'm cool now." His smiles widens. She looks at him frowning, not quite believing him. "Bryce do you mind if I speak to your mother alone?" Mrs. Lamb asks politely, Bryce stands up and heads for the door, waving to me on his way out. "Ms. Wycenzki... That is the new name correct?" The tall lady quizzes.
"Uh- yes, I have a new baby on the way-"
"Right, the baby in which Bryce refers to as Ernie." I chuckle quietly, I don't know why he chose Ernie. "Yeah, none the less, I am having another child and I would like it if Bryce and the new child go by my maiden name, instead of my Ex husbands name, seeing as he is not the father of the new child, nor is he really a father to Bryce-"
"Now do you think this name change has caused an identity crisis for Bryce?" She raises her eyebrows. "No, not at all. I think he is actually relieved to be free of his fathers last name. He does not like nor get along with Richard, and keeping his last name felt like he was permanently tied to him." The lady seems to find this answer some what acceptable, and moves on. I know what she is trying to do. She is trying to make me out to be a horrible parent, she thinks that all that has happened to Bryce is my fault, she is right, well for the most part, but I have tried to shelter my son from the pain, it hasn't worked, but Bryce is stronger and more aware then most kids his age, he knows what the world has to offer and he is prepared. "Where's the baby's father?"
"I don't see how that is any of your business." I say in defence of myself. She nods her head at me, god I do not like this women. "Look, Mrs- Lamb, Bryce has had a tough year, I know some of this has been my fault, but he has finally settled down and learned that things are the way they are and that he can't control everything." I explain calmly.
"What about this other man-"
"John Carter, he moved to Boston that has been tough on Bryce because he was like a father to him, but I think he's doing better now." I stand up, and extend my hand to the lady, I am ready to get out of here. "Thank you for coming in, Ms. Wycenzki, Bryce may be better off then I thought." She smiles, lifting herself from her chair.
~*~
"So what the bitch say?" Bryce sticks the key in the lock and walks into the condo, he grabs a brown grocery bag from me and walks over to the table setting it down. "Bryce- don't call her that." I don't like when he swears.
"Sorry, what did the female dog say?" He rolls his eyes and starts helping me unpack the grocery bags. "She thinks the name change has caused and identity crisis and she thinks you miss Carter." He puts a tin of soup under the cupboard and walks over to me, "I do." I look at his sad blue eyes. "I mean I'm getting use to the fact that he's gone, its been like three and a half months, but sometimes I wish he was here, to swim with and hang out with." I nod understanding, I miss him too.
"He hasn't written or called has he?" He shakes his head sadly, I know Bryce was contemplating calling John, but he has yet to get up the nerve. "Maybe I could get you an appointment to see someone!" I say nonchalantly.
"See someone?" He tosses the chips at me.
"Like a psychiatrist." I shrug, I know he will not be keen on the idea. He shakes his head and then laughs. "No, not a chance. I don't need too." He walks over to me and gives me hug, I swear I have gotten more hugs for him in these last couple of months, then his whole life. "Can we pick out baby names tonight?" He beams
"Okay." He flips open the name book and scans through it. "I like the name- oh phone." Bryce walks over to the phone on the wall and hits the speaker button. "Hello?" He leans up against the wall and flips through the book. "Hello, may I please speak to Bryce?" A women asks. I look at him and he shrugs.
"Uh- this is him."
"Hi Bryce, this is Annette, John Carters friend." Bryce and I both freeze, neither of us know what to say or do. Annette probably isn't aware that I can hear what she is saying, hell she may not even know who I am. "Uh hi." He replies.
"I am sorry to call you like this, you must be quite confused." Bryce seems to agree with this statement. "Uh- its okay." He runs his fingers through his hair, a habit he picked up from Carter. "I am having a birthday party for John in a couple of weeks and I was wondering if you would like to attended." Bryce looks at me and shakes his head no. Then continues to mouth the word no to me over and over again. I am shocked that this lady has the nerve to call and ask this, especially after the last phone call between Bryce and Carter, which she must have known about since Bryce said he heard a women's voice. "No thanks." He say rather blatantly.
"Oh, well he would want you there, you are all he talks about. He says you are like a son to him." Bryce starts to laugh, a cold bitter laugh.
"Annette if you had a son would you abandon him?"
"No." She says puzzled.
"Well then I'm not like a son to him, because you don't abandon the people you love." I can tell he is getting upset, his voice is shaking and so are his hands. "I know, I understand completely, but-"
"No, no buts-" I walk up to Bryce and take him in my arms, I reach my arm over and click the 'off' button, hanging up on Annette. I rock Bryce back and forth in my arms. Maybe Carter is a bit of a touchy subject still. "I thought we were going to work on this." I say lifting his chin up. "I know, I just- I want to talk to him first, have him call me again, and then I can think about meeting someone new. All this is just happening way to fast." I look at him and nod in agreement, it is all happening way to fast. "How about I call Sam and see if Alex would like to come for a sleep over tonight?" I say happily.
"Okay." He walks over to the phone and dials the number we all know by heart.
"Hey mom, want to go out for dinner with Sam and Susan?" He says with his hand on the mouth piece. "Uh- sure." I figure it will be nice to go out, I haven't been out with my friends much lately, I've been having a lot of morning sickness and headaches, the whole pregnancy deal.
~*~
"So how are you holding up?" Sam sips on her beer.
"Uh- well." I laugh nervously, while scratching my forehead. "I don't know, I guess I haven't really thought about it. I've been worrying about Bryce more then myself." I sigh, Susan and Sam look at me understandingly. "Maybe you should think about it." Susan says, she right, I probably should broach the subject with myself, I guess I am too afraid of how I will feel when all is said and done. I know he's not coming back, now I'm carrying around his baby that he doesn't even know about. Now he has a new girlfriend, who sounds absolutely perfect, I'm pretty sure I'm the least of his worries. I start to feel depressed just think about all these issues. "Yeah, maybe." Is the only response I can think of at the moment. Sam and Susan stare at me, and suddenly I am desperate to change the topic, Sam notices this and helps me out. "So are you excited about the baby?" She grins.
"Ha, more like nervous, having to raise another baby all by myself, and an almost teenager."
"I know that feeling, I was fifteen when I had Alex and I was terrified, all I had was me. I had no one else to rely on, his dads not much of a dad." Sam explains, its nice to know someone else understands what I am going through. "Are you going to tell John?" Susan asks munching on a pretzel, those look good, I think I will try some.
"Eventually, Bryce is really pushing for me to tell him. He says that he grew up with out a real father and that he does not want the baby to suffer the same fate." I pick up a pretzel and take a bite, baby seems to like them, so I continue eating. "He's right you know." Sam adds. "Yeah, I just would rather not talk about Carter, or Boston, or anything Carter related." I smile, they understand, we all look towards the two boys who are playing arcade games. They are goofing around and having a good time. "Hm, you guys are lucky, I wish I had kids." Susan smiles.
"You can have mine." Sam cracks.
"Take Bryce too." I add, we all smile, its nice to have a fun friendly conversation that does not involve John, Luka saunters over to the table, still in his scrubs, he looks like he just got off work, which he probably did. "Hey you." He leans down and pecks Sam on the lips, they are so comfortable yet casual together, god I wish Carter and I could have kept our relationship like that. Susan and I watch as they casually discuss Alex, and what they are planning to do on the weekend, Carter and I use to be like that, accept I think John and I became less about us and more about Bryce, which is great because I love my son, and anyone who wants me will have to accept his as their own which he did. I think though, John accepted Bryce then me. He didn't really want me at first, then it grew into something more. I don't know any more I'm not really sure what to make of anything. "Well we better be going." Sam says getting up.
"Me too." I grab my jacket, then walk over to get Bryce. "Come on kiddo," I say putting my hand on his back. "You too Alex." Sam calls from the table. Susan has left already, she had a shift so she couldn't stay long anyways. The boys and I walk back towards the table we all head out of the restaurant, Luka and Sam hand in hand Bryce and Alex gossiping about girls. Everything has become about girls with them lately. I don't know much about their girlfriends, all I know is that Bryce is still with Dylan, its been about five months now. My ten year old son can hold down a relationship better then I can. Alex and Robby apparently didn't last long, Bryce says they weren't 'compatible.' We head onto the L platform, Bryce and I wave goodbye to Sam, Alex and Luka.
The ride home is fairly good, no one is really on the train which makes for peaceful riding, we get off at our stop and walk, in silence, towards the condo, both of us lost in our own thoughts. We are probably thinking about the same thing though, John Carter. I miss him so much these days, it could be because I'm pregnant and in the 'horny' stage where all I want it sex, and since he left I have no one to give it to me. Or it could be I just miss him as a person, I miss the times we spent together, the laughs we would have about various things. How we would run around like two horny teenagers trying to have sex all the time, we rarely succeeded though, which is a shame because if there is one thing I could say that rocked about our relationship, through all the pitfalls and the 'I hate you' and the 'I love you' there was the sex, we loved each other so much which I think added to how great it was. Although we only slept together once, if given the chance I would probably do it again. Yes it was that good. It was more then sex though, I am so horny lately all I can think about is sex, but we just had fun together, he made me feel so good, the things he would say about me. He even stood up for Bryce and I to his mother. He really was a great guy, I have to stop doing this to myself, I have to stop torturing my self with thoughts of how great and brilliant he was. Maybe I should think of all the bad and hurtful things he did, so when he comes to mind I won't miss him I will hate him, and want to move on. That should be phase one of my 'getting over Carter'. Hating him. Bryce should never know though, it would put him in the middle of everything. We reach the condo and I open the door and Bryce walks in. "Night mom." he gives me a hug and a kiss on the cheek then walks towards his room. I walk into my room and flop down onto the bed, I am so tired all I want to do is go to sleep and now.
Three in the morning, the bright red lights of the alarm clock bore into my eyes, I close my eyes tightly then open them. I am exhausted, I get out of bed heading for the fridge for some water. I crack open the bottle, remembering how Carter did this a lot, he would quietly get out of bed in the middle of the night, trying not to wake me, he always did though, and he would go to the fridge get some water, walk over to the window and look at the moon. Just like I am doing right now. I have to stop doing this, I promised my self I wouldn't think about him anymore, but at times like these I can't help but think of what it was like when he was around. The way he would wrap his arms around my waist. How our hands fit perfectly together. It will never be that way again, his hand fits perfectly with someone else. I sigh, put the lid back on the bottle and head back into my room, I will force myself to go to sleep, even if I have to duct tape my eyes shut.
It's going to be a long night.
***REVIEW RESPONSES***
CamilaC- Dear Abby:( what a bozo he wsa... who the hell dumps someone through letter, although I truly belive that she dumped him first and he just had to get the last word in...
Kaitlin- Carter is A HUGE JERK!!!! I would eat ancovies... maybe i like chocolate bagels with dill cream cheese... is that weird??? Haha I hope your sister didnt slap you lol.
smilez4eva- I want Carby back together on ER sooooooooooooooooooo freaking bad... haha thanks...d on't worry we know u all have other things to do besides read lol...
Helen w- hehe yeah u have to remember the title, haha... Thanks we like writing angst... it tis fun:D!!! Yeah I wish the show would address whole carter druggie issue a little more, maybe they will do that though now that Kem is here. I seriously wonder about that though, I mean Carter and Abby were together for 1 year and she was the love of his life for 3 and yet Carter barley metions Abby to her, I don't know It seems a bit weird.
Tilde8884- Carter coming back would be REALLY nice hehe... yeah we are planning on do a sequel we're not really revealing much now though.
honeybear1- Thank you... I personally feel sorry for Bryce because he is being ripped in two right now agh.
CamilaC - I pissed at Carter in the show.... Who sleeps with someone without using protection after only knowing them for like 2 weeks???? WHAT THE HELL!!!!
***PREVIEW***
"Are you okay?"
I nod my head, brushing her hands off mine. I can't look at her. The lie I've been living. I've never felt it more than I have right now, at this night. I'd guess she was thinking about me right now, drawing me in, but I doubt it. She's probably fast asleep in the arms of a man that deserves her and loves her. I'm with the most beautiful and smart woman alive, yet I know I don't deserve her. I don't deserve anyone.
"Bryce has been on a roller coaster of emotions this year. Ranging from happy to sad, from energetic to depressed, and it is hard for us to pinpoint the exact cause of this." Mrs. Lamb, Bryce's fifth grade teacher tells Bryce and I. I look down at my son, and he smiles slightly. "Mrs. Lamb, I'm cool now." His smiles widens. She looks at him frowning, not quite believing him. "Bryce do you mind if I speak to your mother alone?" Mrs. Lamb asks politely, Bryce stands up and heads for the door, waving to me on his way out. "Ms. Wycenzki... That is the new name correct?" The tall lady quizzes.
"Uh- yes, I have a new baby on the way-"
"Right, the baby in which Bryce refers to as Ernie." I chuckle quietly, I don't know why he chose Ernie. "Yeah, none the less, I am having another child and I would like it if Bryce and the new child go by my maiden name, instead of my Ex husbands name, seeing as he is not the father of the new child, nor is he really a father to Bryce-"
"Now do you think this name change has caused an identity crisis for Bryce?" She raises her eyebrows. "No, not at all. I think he is actually relieved to be free of his fathers last name. He does not like nor get along with Richard, and keeping his last name felt like he was permanently tied to him." The lady seems to find this answer some what acceptable, and moves on. I know what she is trying to do. She is trying to make me out to be a horrible parent, she thinks that all that has happened to Bryce is my fault, she is right, well for the most part, but I have tried to shelter my son from the pain, it hasn't worked, but Bryce is stronger and more aware then most kids his age, he knows what the world has to offer and he is prepared. "Where's the baby's father?"
"I don't see how that is any of your business." I say in defence of myself. She nods her head at me, god I do not like this women. "Look, Mrs- Lamb, Bryce has had a tough year, I know some of this has been my fault, but he has finally settled down and learned that things are the way they are and that he can't control everything." I explain calmly.
"What about this other man-"
"John Carter, he moved to Boston that has been tough on Bryce because he was like a father to him, but I think he's doing better now." I stand up, and extend my hand to the lady, I am ready to get out of here. "Thank you for coming in, Ms. Wycenzki, Bryce may be better off then I thought." She smiles, lifting herself from her chair.
~*~
"So what the bitch say?" Bryce sticks the key in the lock and walks into the condo, he grabs a brown grocery bag from me and walks over to the table setting it down. "Bryce- don't call her that." I don't like when he swears.
"Sorry, what did the female dog say?" He rolls his eyes and starts helping me unpack the grocery bags. "She thinks the name change has caused and identity crisis and she thinks you miss Carter." He puts a tin of soup under the cupboard and walks over to me, "I do." I look at his sad blue eyes. "I mean I'm getting use to the fact that he's gone, its been like three and a half months, but sometimes I wish he was here, to swim with and hang out with." I nod understanding, I miss him too.
"He hasn't written or called has he?" He shakes his head sadly, I know Bryce was contemplating calling John, but he has yet to get up the nerve. "Maybe I could get you an appointment to see someone!" I say nonchalantly.
"See someone?" He tosses the chips at me.
"Like a psychiatrist." I shrug, I know he will not be keen on the idea. He shakes his head and then laughs. "No, not a chance. I don't need too." He walks over to me and gives me hug, I swear I have gotten more hugs for him in these last couple of months, then his whole life. "Can we pick out baby names tonight?" He beams
"Okay." He flips open the name book and scans through it. "I like the name- oh phone." Bryce walks over to the phone on the wall and hits the speaker button. "Hello?" He leans up against the wall and flips through the book. "Hello, may I please speak to Bryce?" A women asks. I look at him and he shrugs.
"Uh- this is him."
"Hi Bryce, this is Annette, John Carters friend." Bryce and I both freeze, neither of us know what to say or do. Annette probably isn't aware that I can hear what she is saying, hell she may not even know who I am. "Uh hi." He replies.
"I am sorry to call you like this, you must be quite confused." Bryce seems to agree with this statement. "Uh- its okay." He runs his fingers through his hair, a habit he picked up from Carter. "I am having a birthday party for John in a couple of weeks and I was wondering if you would like to attended." Bryce looks at me and shakes his head no. Then continues to mouth the word no to me over and over again. I am shocked that this lady has the nerve to call and ask this, especially after the last phone call between Bryce and Carter, which she must have known about since Bryce said he heard a women's voice. "No thanks." He say rather blatantly.
"Oh, well he would want you there, you are all he talks about. He says you are like a son to him." Bryce starts to laugh, a cold bitter laugh.
"Annette if you had a son would you abandon him?"
"No." She says puzzled.
"Well then I'm not like a son to him, because you don't abandon the people you love." I can tell he is getting upset, his voice is shaking and so are his hands. "I know, I understand completely, but-"
"No, no buts-" I walk up to Bryce and take him in my arms, I reach my arm over and click the 'off' button, hanging up on Annette. I rock Bryce back and forth in my arms. Maybe Carter is a bit of a touchy subject still. "I thought we were going to work on this." I say lifting his chin up. "I know, I just- I want to talk to him first, have him call me again, and then I can think about meeting someone new. All this is just happening way to fast." I look at him and nod in agreement, it is all happening way to fast. "How about I call Sam and see if Alex would like to come for a sleep over tonight?" I say happily.
"Okay." He walks over to the phone and dials the number we all know by heart.
"Hey mom, want to go out for dinner with Sam and Susan?" He says with his hand on the mouth piece. "Uh- sure." I figure it will be nice to go out, I haven't been out with my friends much lately, I've been having a lot of morning sickness and headaches, the whole pregnancy deal.
~*~
"So how are you holding up?" Sam sips on her beer.
"Uh- well." I laugh nervously, while scratching my forehead. "I don't know, I guess I haven't really thought about it. I've been worrying about Bryce more then myself." I sigh, Susan and Sam look at me understandingly. "Maybe you should think about it." Susan says, she right, I probably should broach the subject with myself, I guess I am too afraid of how I will feel when all is said and done. I know he's not coming back, now I'm carrying around his baby that he doesn't even know about. Now he has a new girlfriend, who sounds absolutely perfect, I'm pretty sure I'm the least of his worries. I start to feel depressed just think about all these issues. "Yeah, maybe." Is the only response I can think of at the moment. Sam and Susan stare at me, and suddenly I am desperate to change the topic, Sam notices this and helps me out. "So are you excited about the baby?" She grins.
"Ha, more like nervous, having to raise another baby all by myself, and an almost teenager."
"I know that feeling, I was fifteen when I had Alex and I was terrified, all I had was me. I had no one else to rely on, his dads not much of a dad." Sam explains, its nice to know someone else understands what I am going through. "Are you going to tell John?" Susan asks munching on a pretzel, those look good, I think I will try some.
"Eventually, Bryce is really pushing for me to tell him. He says that he grew up with out a real father and that he does not want the baby to suffer the same fate." I pick up a pretzel and take a bite, baby seems to like them, so I continue eating. "He's right you know." Sam adds. "Yeah, I just would rather not talk about Carter, or Boston, or anything Carter related." I smile, they understand, we all look towards the two boys who are playing arcade games. They are goofing around and having a good time. "Hm, you guys are lucky, I wish I had kids." Susan smiles.
"You can have mine." Sam cracks.
"Take Bryce too." I add, we all smile, its nice to have a fun friendly conversation that does not involve John, Luka saunters over to the table, still in his scrubs, he looks like he just got off work, which he probably did. "Hey you." He leans down and pecks Sam on the lips, they are so comfortable yet casual together, god I wish Carter and I could have kept our relationship like that. Susan and I watch as they casually discuss Alex, and what they are planning to do on the weekend, Carter and I use to be like that, accept I think John and I became less about us and more about Bryce, which is great because I love my son, and anyone who wants me will have to accept his as their own which he did. I think though, John accepted Bryce then me. He didn't really want me at first, then it grew into something more. I don't know any more I'm not really sure what to make of anything. "Well we better be going." Sam says getting up.
"Me too." I grab my jacket, then walk over to get Bryce. "Come on kiddo," I say putting my hand on his back. "You too Alex." Sam calls from the table. Susan has left already, she had a shift so she couldn't stay long anyways. The boys and I walk back towards the table we all head out of the restaurant, Luka and Sam hand in hand Bryce and Alex gossiping about girls. Everything has become about girls with them lately. I don't know much about their girlfriends, all I know is that Bryce is still with Dylan, its been about five months now. My ten year old son can hold down a relationship better then I can. Alex and Robby apparently didn't last long, Bryce says they weren't 'compatible.' We head onto the L platform, Bryce and I wave goodbye to Sam, Alex and Luka.
The ride home is fairly good, no one is really on the train which makes for peaceful riding, we get off at our stop and walk, in silence, towards the condo, both of us lost in our own thoughts. We are probably thinking about the same thing though, John Carter. I miss him so much these days, it could be because I'm pregnant and in the 'horny' stage where all I want it sex, and since he left I have no one to give it to me. Or it could be I just miss him as a person, I miss the times we spent together, the laughs we would have about various things. How we would run around like two horny teenagers trying to have sex all the time, we rarely succeeded though, which is a shame because if there is one thing I could say that rocked about our relationship, through all the pitfalls and the 'I hate you' and the 'I love you' there was the sex, we loved each other so much which I think added to how great it was. Although we only slept together once, if given the chance I would probably do it again. Yes it was that good. It was more then sex though, I am so horny lately all I can think about is sex, but we just had fun together, he made me feel so good, the things he would say about me. He even stood up for Bryce and I to his mother. He really was a great guy, I have to stop doing this to myself, I have to stop torturing my self with thoughts of how great and brilliant he was. Maybe I should think of all the bad and hurtful things he did, so when he comes to mind I won't miss him I will hate him, and want to move on. That should be phase one of my 'getting over Carter'. Hating him. Bryce should never know though, it would put him in the middle of everything. We reach the condo and I open the door and Bryce walks in. "Night mom." he gives me a hug and a kiss on the cheek then walks towards his room. I walk into my room and flop down onto the bed, I am so tired all I want to do is go to sleep and now.
Three in the morning, the bright red lights of the alarm clock bore into my eyes, I close my eyes tightly then open them. I am exhausted, I get out of bed heading for the fridge for some water. I crack open the bottle, remembering how Carter did this a lot, he would quietly get out of bed in the middle of the night, trying not to wake me, he always did though, and he would go to the fridge get some water, walk over to the window and look at the moon. Just like I am doing right now. I have to stop doing this, I promised my self I wouldn't think about him anymore, but at times like these I can't help but think of what it was like when he was around. The way he would wrap his arms around my waist. How our hands fit perfectly together. It will never be that way again, his hand fits perfectly with someone else. I sigh, put the lid back on the bottle and head back into my room, I will force myself to go to sleep, even if I have to duct tape my eyes shut.
It's going to be a long night.
***REVIEW RESPONSES***
CamilaC- Dear Abby:( what a bozo he wsa... who the hell dumps someone through letter, although I truly belive that she dumped him first and he just had to get the last word in...
Kaitlin- Carter is A HUGE JERK!!!! I would eat ancovies... maybe i like chocolate bagels with dill cream cheese... is that weird??? Haha I hope your sister didnt slap you lol.
smilez4eva- I want Carby back together on ER sooooooooooooooooooo freaking bad... haha thanks...d on't worry we know u all have other things to do besides read lol...
Helen w- hehe yeah u have to remember the title, haha... Thanks we like writing angst... it tis fun:D!!! Yeah I wish the show would address whole carter druggie issue a little more, maybe they will do that though now that Kem is here. I seriously wonder about that though, I mean Carter and Abby were together for 1 year and she was the love of his life for 3 and yet Carter barley metions Abby to her, I don't know It seems a bit weird.
Tilde8884- Carter coming back would be REALLY nice hehe... yeah we are planning on do a sequel we're not really revealing much now though.
honeybear1- Thank you... I personally feel sorry for Bryce because he is being ripped in two right now agh.
CamilaC - I pissed at Carter in the show.... Who sleeps with someone without using protection after only knowing them for like 2 weeks???? WHAT THE HELL!!!!
***PREVIEW***
"Are you okay?"
I nod my head, brushing her hands off mine. I can't look at her. The lie I've been living. I've never felt it more than I have right now, at this night. I'd guess she was thinking about me right now, drawing me in, but I doubt it. She's probably fast asleep in the arms of a man that deserves her and loves her. I'm with the most beautiful and smart woman alive, yet I know I don't deserve her. I don't deserve anyone.