Authors Note- onemore chapter for today after this one!!!
~*~
My open eyes stare at the intricate patterns on the ceiling. I can't sleep. I've been here for a good 2 hours, and I still can't fall sleep. I give up. I push myself off the bed slowly, hoping not to bother Annette. She's had a long day, and the last thing I want her worrying about is me. I pull on my robe and slippers, which have gained a perfect place in her home, and I head out to her patio. It's already christened with blooming flowers and clean furniture. I slowly open the screen door, hoping to avoid the squeak it usually makes on opening. I get out, and shut it behind me. I stand, resting against the railing, looking up at the stars. The weather is mild, only making me pull my robe a little closer around me. At that moment, I don't know, a picture of her pops into my mind. It's hard, but I"m slowly working over forgetting her. I can't even say her name, because I know I all the emotions I've been trying to suppress will resurface. And it's worst when I'm alone. I worry about her. I mean I'm happy with Annette. But I"ll never be completley in love with her. There's a woman, so many miles away, that still holds my heart, and no matter what I do, she'll always hold it. It's hard. It's really hard. I mean I cry for her, when Annette's not home. I just, I can never tell this to Annette, it will break her heart. But I want to go back. I want to go back so badly, get down on my knees and beg for forgiveness. I know she doesn't want me back. But I'd do anything. I wipe the damn tears from my eyes. I promised myself I wouldn't do this. I wouldn't think of what could have been. I could have been the happiest man alive, and I screwed it all up. This is my punishment. I mean it's not total punishment, I have a good job, a great girlfriend, a stable life. But that's all it will ever be, is stable. I guess I set myself up for it. I always complained about the twists and turns she and I always took. And now I miss them. Because they were special. Through the "I hate you" to the "I love you" we promised to make it through, and it didn't work out. For either one of us. I guess we're better this way. She's better off without me. She'll settle down, a man would be crazy not to want her. She's probably back with Ted. It's been a little over four months that we've not been together. I don't expect her to wait for me. I never did.
And then there's Bryce. It breaks my heart just to think about him. What kind of person he must think I am. He hates me. He has so much reason to. I wish it wasn't true, but it is. I miss him so much. Him and his cute little sarcastic remarks. How many times did me and her not get to screw each other because of him and his mouth? God. The one and only time we did. If there's anything that stings more in my memory is that one night. One night is all it took for me to realize I wanted to spend the rest of my nights with her. And that never will happen, either. I run my hand through my hair, wiping the threatening tears away. I can't cry over lost dreams. It's over. And it's my fault, I've done this to myself and no one else. I've also managed to hurt the two people I loved most in the world. I wish I hadn't. I wish I could go back in time, change everything. I want her back in my arms. I miss our light conversations, the way she would melt pefectly into my arms, her seductive little looks during work. I miss her friendship, her companionship, her trust. I never realized it, but she really was my best friend. Hell, I spilled almost everything to her, from my first kiss, to my screwed up childhood. And she understood me without even saying a word. I could see it in her eyes. Her deep chocolate brown eyes. I lean my back against the balcony and I sit down, putting my head in my hands. I'm such a damn screw up. I really am. And I don't have enough strength to go back, or even to call. God if she only knew the truth. I would walk on water, run through fire, give up my whole life for her. But I'll never have the chance. Because as the days go by faster and faster, we're both moving on. Well at least I hope she is. I probably never will. And days will turn into weeks, and weeks into months, months into years. I'll be a vague memory of pain for her. Nothing more. Something to be forgotten. The bruises I left on her, probably all healed. Yet the pain, I know the pain is still there. The pain that I inflicted upon her. I never forgave myself. I never will.
Every morning I keep on telling myself its going to get better. I keep on living a lie. It only gets worse. It was okay for a while, then I realized, I'm living a lie. I keep on putting up an act, that will maybe someday become real. I doubt it. I don't' know if Annette can tell. I think she can. But I've become so good at it, I don't' know what's reality and what's fiction any more. I tell myself these stupid lies every day to make myself survive. I'm surviving, just not the way I had imagined it. I feel Annette's warm hands against my skin and I'm instantly cold towards her. It's not fair that I have to drag her through this as well. I guess I needed someone to lean on, someone for support. She's great, marvellous, terrific, but everything I compare to Abby. I know its the worst thing to do in a relationship, but I can't help it. The more I want to get away from her, the close she pulls me in. It's like she's pushed me off at the deepest part of the ocean and just left me there, to either swim back to shore or die. I'd choose the latter. She looks at me with her deep green eyes, concern evident all over her face.
"Are you okay?"
I nod my head, brushing her hands off mine. I can't look at her. The lie I've been living. I've never felt it more than I have right now, at this night. I'd guess she was thinking about me right now, drawing me in, but I doubt it. She's probably fast asleep in the arms of a man that deserves her and loves her. I'm with the most beautiful and smart woman alive, yet I know I don't deserve her. I don't deserve anyone. I would rather wither away alone and forgotten than hurt anyone else like I've hurt her and Bryce. And Annette inevitably. She sighs, edging away from me, sitting down a few feet farther on the cold wooden floor.
"I know your not crying because Gingersnap died yesterday. What's wrong?"
I manage a little laugh. She cried over that dog as if it had been her child. She seemed a little down today, but nothing tragic. That stupid dog had been everywhere. I hated it. She knew I did to, and teased me about it. Made me walk it everywhere. Hell I had practically adopted it. I wiped the last reminscent tears from my eyes, and gave her a promising glace. I can't tell her. I never will be able to. It's one of those deep dark secrets everyone keeps hidden, padlocked in those dark chambers of the heart, never to be released. I watch her scoot closer to me again, I'm warmer towards her than I was a few minutes ago. She makes me meet gazes with her by moving my head gently with her soft touch.
"You've got to talk to me. What's happening between us?"
I look down at the ground and shrug my shoulders, emmiting another sigh from her. She tries so hard, demands so little. She loves me. I can tell with every motion, every word, I just, I can't bring myself to tell her its not mutual. I mean it is mutual, but not in the way she would want it to me. I've tired. I just can't give my whole heart to this woman. I've tried so many times. But there's always this little piece and screams and retaliates and I can't do anything about it. I need to try harder, I need to move on. I lean in for a light kiss. There is defintely something there, I just can't tell if its exactly everything. I'd rather give her everything, or nothing at all, then only bits and pieces. She too, deserves someone better. She grabs my hands and rocks them back and forth.
"I'm sorry, Annette. I don't know what's come over me."
She sits motionless and silent for a while, contemplating what to do. I doubt I would know what to do. I wish I knew what was happening to me. I want this all to be over, a stupid little dream that stopped and I wake up forgetting about her, focusing on Annette. We could be so good together. We are so alike, so right. Then why the hell am I drawn to my opposite?
"You're thinking about them, aren't you?"
I shake my head, but she gives me her knowing glace. She knows me way too well. I change my motion and nodd my head.
"You've also got to stop lying to me."
I freeze and just stare out into space. I've realized I also do that alot. If I can retreat my own safety, then I can defeat the world. It's something I learned during rehab. I would just zone out, leave the place I was encaged in, and thinking, get lost in my thoughts.
"I know. I'm sorry."
She lets go of my hands and pulls her robe tighter around herself. It's cold in the middle of the night, even in Boston.
"Don't be sorry, John. Sorry doesn't fix everything."
I bite on my bottom lip. Hadn't I had this conversation before, hadn't I told her never to say I'm sorry? I look out at the city and its lights. A perfect view from this patio. I never realized it until now. I look back up at her, I can see the look of frustration and pain on her face. God, I"m hurting her. I can't let this happen. Not again. I doubt I can make it through another time. Why the hell do I end up hurting all the people I love.
"I miss them."
Her face changes a bit, the realization of my answer sinking in. I dont know what else to tell her. I mean it's the truth. As stabbing as it may be, she wanted the truth. I can't lie to her. I lie to myself every day. I need to try harder, I need to work more. This could be my second chance to start over, to make things right and I'm ruining it. I watch her get up and lean over across the railing, looking down.
"You're supposed to miss them. But it doesn't change reality."
Reality, such a bitter, harsh word. Such a bitter harsh life. I hate reality, yet I can't keep avoiding it. Reality is, this is my life now. I'm not going to be able to change it.
"I know."
She turns away from me. She usually speaks directly to me, straight into my eyes, but now, now she can't. I don't exactly know why. I"m frightened at what she might be conjuring to say.
"The truth being, as much as I hate to say this, you've pushed each other away. You're never going to be able to go back to the way things were. The more time you spent trying to forget them, the more he resents you, the more she hates you."
I take a deep sigh. I know it in my heart the whole time. It's just slapping me in the face, hearing it aloud.
"I wish I could take away all the pain you feel, but I can't. That's up to you. But what we have, it's real. It's now. You have to stop living in the past."
It's exactly what I'm doing, setting everything up, living a fairy tale that will never happen. This woman in front of me, the city behind me, the life I'm living now. That's what I need to focus on. Not some stupid little dream that everything will once be the way it was before. She's kneeling in front of me, her hands gripping onto mine.
"I love you."
I know she means it with every breathe of her being. I see it in her eyes, her face, her motions, her actions. In her. I need to decide. I need to make the choice. I need give up on something, and take a chance on something else. My hand reaches up to wipe the tear from her eyes.
"I love you, too."
I said it, I don't know how much of me meant it. She breaks away instantly from me. She knows in a way, it's not all of me. She knows me better than I know myself.
"You've got to make a choice. Either you let her go, or you let me go. It's not an ultimatem. I just, I want you to be truely happy, even if its not with me."
What is happiness? I thought I could have clearly defined it for anyone a few weeks ago, and now it's just a rush to the head, a word without meaning. I watch her get up and leave me outside once again. She shouldn't be intitled to so much suffering. She's got such an innocent, all accepting heart. And true happiness, I've finally figure out, doesn't exist. No one can be truely happy, since there is always something that gets in the way. I've given up my search for wanting to be truely happy. I'm going to need to learn how to settle and be just happy. I get up and head off to Annette. I've already ruined two lives in one, I cannot ruin this. This is too good to let go. I just need to let go, for better or worse.
And then something pulls me back towards the patio. Some unforeseen force. Is this what I really want? Is this what being true to myself really is? Another lie upon a lie until my lies become truth? One way or another I'm going to ultimately hurt her, and myself in the end. Is everything I'm doing worth it? Is this what I truely, honesty, want? I can hear my whole heart screaming the answer. I just can't bring myself to believe I could say no to everything. Risk everything for a stupid emotion. A stupid game. I head off towards the bed. It'll be better tomorrow. One moment of weakness in months of survival. I can get over this. This will all be a forgotten memory when that sun comes up, bringing a new day, a brighter and better day. I hope. I hope for everything that I am that tomorrow will be different, it will be better.
Another lie I tell myself to survive.
***PREVIEW***
I walk out to the living room and pick up the baby book. Sifting through possible names for my child... I look through the girls names first, a little girl would be nice, some one who could relate to me a little better, although Bryce and I do have a unique relationship.
***REVIEW RESPONSES***
Lisa- You have a snow day???? You are so lucky we don't get snow days unless its icy:( Yes over a 100 chapters done!:D
Katie- we didnt turn carter into an abusive guy... we turned him into a drug user, which he is. He's not perfect, in the show that made Abby out to be the bad one... The one who couldn't hold herself together and now we are just trying to show that it goes both ways. Carter is far from perfect, he is an okay guy, yes, but the reason he didn't propose to Abby is because she said she doesn't believe people can change, he didn't love Abby for Abby he loved Abby for what he thought she COULD be, I think its nuts that people get mad at us for making Carter human. Thanks for reviewing!!! (BTW I am not trying to sound mean, but we have gotten like 10 reviews throughout the story saying we are sabotaging Carter and that is not our intention, but on the show he is made to be perfect, people aren't like that. He had an addiction then boom its gone, it doesn't work that way.) Y
~*~
My open eyes stare at the intricate patterns on the ceiling. I can't sleep. I've been here for a good 2 hours, and I still can't fall sleep. I give up. I push myself off the bed slowly, hoping not to bother Annette. She's had a long day, and the last thing I want her worrying about is me. I pull on my robe and slippers, which have gained a perfect place in her home, and I head out to her patio. It's already christened with blooming flowers and clean furniture. I slowly open the screen door, hoping to avoid the squeak it usually makes on opening. I get out, and shut it behind me. I stand, resting against the railing, looking up at the stars. The weather is mild, only making me pull my robe a little closer around me. At that moment, I don't know, a picture of her pops into my mind. It's hard, but I"m slowly working over forgetting her. I can't even say her name, because I know I all the emotions I've been trying to suppress will resurface. And it's worst when I'm alone. I worry about her. I mean I'm happy with Annette. But I"ll never be completley in love with her. There's a woman, so many miles away, that still holds my heart, and no matter what I do, she'll always hold it. It's hard. It's really hard. I mean I cry for her, when Annette's not home. I just, I can never tell this to Annette, it will break her heart. But I want to go back. I want to go back so badly, get down on my knees and beg for forgiveness. I know she doesn't want me back. But I'd do anything. I wipe the damn tears from my eyes. I promised myself I wouldn't do this. I wouldn't think of what could have been. I could have been the happiest man alive, and I screwed it all up. This is my punishment. I mean it's not total punishment, I have a good job, a great girlfriend, a stable life. But that's all it will ever be, is stable. I guess I set myself up for it. I always complained about the twists and turns she and I always took. And now I miss them. Because they were special. Through the "I hate you" to the "I love you" we promised to make it through, and it didn't work out. For either one of us. I guess we're better this way. She's better off without me. She'll settle down, a man would be crazy not to want her. She's probably back with Ted. It's been a little over four months that we've not been together. I don't expect her to wait for me. I never did.
And then there's Bryce. It breaks my heart just to think about him. What kind of person he must think I am. He hates me. He has so much reason to. I wish it wasn't true, but it is. I miss him so much. Him and his cute little sarcastic remarks. How many times did me and her not get to screw each other because of him and his mouth? God. The one and only time we did. If there's anything that stings more in my memory is that one night. One night is all it took for me to realize I wanted to spend the rest of my nights with her. And that never will happen, either. I run my hand through my hair, wiping the threatening tears away. I can't cry over lost dreams. It's over. And it's my fault, I've done this to myself and no one else. I've also managed to hurt the two people I loved most in the world. I wish I hadn't. I wish I could go back in time, change everything. I want her back in my arms. I miss our light conversations, the way she would melt pefectly into my arms, her seductive little looks during work. I miss her friendship, her companionship, her trust. I never realized it, but she really was my best friend. Hell, I spilled almost everything to her, from my first kiss, to my screwed up childhood. And she understood me without even saying a word. I could see it in her eyes. Her deep chocolate brown eyes. I lean my back against the balcony and I sit down, putting my head in my hands. I'm such a damn screw up. I really am. And I don't have enough strength to go back, or even to call. God if she only knew the truth. I would walk on water, run through fire, give up my whole life for her. But I'll never have the chance. Because as the days go by faster and faster, we're both moving on. Well at least I hope she is. I probably never will. And days will turn into weeks, and weeks into months, months into years. I'll be a vague memory of pain for her. Nothing more. Something to be forgotten. The bruises I left on her, probably all healed. Yet the pain, I know the pain is still there. The pain that I inflicted upon her. I never forgave myself. I never will.
Every morning I keep on telling myself its going to get better. I keep on living a lie. It only gets worse. It was okay for a while, then I realized, I'm living a lie. I keep on putting up an act, that will maybe someday become real. I doubt it. I don't' know if Annette can tell. I think she can. But I've become so good at it, I don't' know what's reality and what's fiction any more. I tell myself these stupid lies every day to make myself survive. I'm surviving, just not the way I had imagined it. I feel Annette's warm hands against my skin and I'm instantly cold towards her. It's not fair that I have to drag her through this as well. I guess I needed someone to lean on, someone for support. She's great, marvellous, terrific, but everything I compare to Abby. I know its the worst thing to do in a relationship, but I can't help it. The more I want to get away from her, the close she pulls me in. It's like she's pushed me off at the deepest part of the ocean and just left me there, to either swim back to shore or die. I'd choose the latter. She looks at me with her deep green eyes, concern evident all over her face.
"Are you okay?"
I nod my head, brushing her hands off mine. I can't look at her. The lie I've been living. I've never felt it more than I have right now, at this night. I'd guess she was thinking about me right now, drawing me in, but I doubt it. She's probably fast asleep in the arms of a man that deserves her and loves her. I'm with the most beautiful and smart woman alive, yet I know I don't deserve her. I don't deserve anyone. I would rather wither away alone and forgotten than hurt anyone else like I've hurt her and Bryce. And Annette inevitably. She sighs, edging away from me, sitting down a few feet farther on the cold wooden floor.
"I know your not crying because Gingersnap died yesterday. What's wrong?"
I manage a little laugh. She cried over that dog as if it had been her child. She seemed a little down today, but nothing tragic. That stupid dog had been everywhere. I hated it. She knew I did to, and teased me about it. Made me walk it everywhere. Hell I had practically adopted it. I wiped the last reminscent tears from my eyes, and gave her a promising glace. I can't tell her. I never will be able to. It's one of those deep dark secrets everyone keeps hidden, padlocked in those dark chambers of the heart, never to be released. I watch her scoot closer to me again, I'm warmer towards her than I was a few minutes ago. She makes me meet gazes with her by moving my head gently with her soft touch.
"You've got to talk to me. What's happening between us?"
I look down at the ground and shrug my shoulders, emmiting another sigh from her. She tries so hard, demands so little. She loves me. I can tell with every motion, every word, I just, I can't bring myself to tell her its not mutual. I mean it is mutual, but not in the way she would want it to me. I've tired. I just can't give my whole heart to this woman. I've tried so many times. But there's always this little piece and screams and retaliates and I can't do anything about it. I need to try harder, I need to move on. I lean in for a light kiss. There is defintely something there, I just can't tell if its exactly everything. I'd rather give her everything, or nothing at all, then only bits and pieces. She too, deserves someone better. She grabs my hands and rocks them back and forth.
"I'm sorry, Annette. I don't know what's come over me."
She sits motionless and silent for a while, contemplating what to do. I doubt I would know what to do. I wish I knew what was happening to me. I want this all to be over, a stupid little dream that stopped and I wake up forgetting about her, focusing on Annette. We could be so good together. We are so alike, so right. Then why the hell am I drawn to my opposite?
"You're thinking about them, aren't you?"
I shake my head, but she gives me her knowing glace. She knows me way too well. I change my motion and nodd my head.
"You've also got to stop lying to me."
I freeze and just stare out into space. I've realized I also do that alot. If I can retreat my own safety, then I can defeat the world. It's something I learned during rehab. I would just zone out, leave the place I was encaged in, and thinking, get lost in my thoughts.
"I know. I'm sorry."
She lets go of my hands and pulls her robe tighter around herself. It's cold in the middle of the night, even in Boston.
"Don't be sorry, John. Sorry doesn't fix everything."
I bite on my bottom lip. Hadn't I had this conversation before, hadn't I told her never to say I'm sorry? I look out at the city and its lights. A perfect view from this patio. I never realized it until now. I look back up at her, I can see the look of frustration and pain on her face. God, I"m hurting her. I can't let this happen. Not again. I doubt I can make it through another time. Why the hell do I end up hurting all the people I love.
"I miss them."
Her face changes a bit, the realization of my answer sinking in. I dont know what else to tell her. I mean it's the truth. As stabbing as it may be, she wanted the truth. I can't lie to her. I lie to myself every day. I need to try harder, I need to work more. This could be my second chance to start over, to make things right and I'm ruining it. I watch her get up and lean over across the railing, looking down.
"You're supposed to miss them. But it doesn't change reality."
Reality, such a bitter, harsh word. Such a bitter harsh life. I hate reality, yet I can't keep avoiding it. Reality is, this is my life now. I'm not going to be able to change it.
"I know."
She turns away from me. She usually speaks directly to me, straight into my eyes, but now, now she can't. I don't exactly know why. I"m frightened at what she might be conjuring to say.
"The truth being, as much as I hate to say this, you've pushed each other away. You're never going to be able to go back to the way things were. The more time you spent trying to forget them, the more he resents you, the more she hates you."
I take a deep sigh. I know it in my heart the whole time. It's just slapping me in the face, hearing it aloud.
"I wish I could take away all the pain you feel, but I can't. That's up to you. But what we have, it's real. It's now. You have to stop living in the past."
It's exactly what I'm doing, setting everything up, living a fairy tale that will never happen. This woman in front of me, the city behind me, the life I'm living now. That's what I need to focus on. Not some stupid little dream that everything will once be the way it was before. She's kneeling in front of me, her hands gripping onto mine.
"I love you."
I know she means it with every breathe of her being. I see it in her eyes, her face, her motions, her actions. In her. I need to decide. I need to make the choice. I need give up on something, and take a chance on something else. My hand reaches up to wipe the tear from her eyes.
"I love you, too."
I said it, I don't know how much of me meant it. She breaks away instantly from me. She knows in a way, it's not all of me. She knows me better than I know myself.
"You've got to make a choice. Either you let her go, or you let me go. It's not an ultimatem. I just, I want you to be truely happy, even if its not with me."
What is happiness? I thought I could have clearly defined it for anyone a few weeks ago, and now it's just a rush to the head, a word without meaning. I watch her get up and leave me outside once again. She shouldn't be intitled to so much suffering. She's got such an innocent, all accepting heart. And true happiness, I've finally figure out, doesn't exist. No one can be truely happy, since there is always something that gets in the way. I've given up my search for wanting to be truely happy. I'm going to need to learn how to settle and be just happy. I get up and head off to Annette. I've already ruined two lives in one, I cannot ruin this. This is too good to let go. I just need to let go, for better or worse.
And then something pulls me back towards the patio. Some unforeseen force. Is this what I really want? Is this what being true to myself really is? Another lie upon a lie until my lies become truth? One way or another I'm going to ultimately hurt her, and myself in the end. Is everything I'm doing worth it? Is this what I truely, honesty, want? I can hear my whole heart screaming the answer. I just can't bring myself to believe I could say no to everything. Risk everything for a stupid emotion. A stupid game. I head off towards the bed. It'll be better tomorrow. One moment of weakness in months of survival. I can get over this. This will all be a forgotten memory when that sun comes up, bringing a new day, a brighter and better day. I hope. I hope for everything that I am that tomorrow will be different, it will be better.
Another lie I tell myself to survive.
***PREVIEW***
I walk out to the living room and pick up the baby book. Sifting through possible names for my child... I look through the girls names first, a little girl would be nice, some one who could relate to me a little better, although Bryce and I do have a unique relationship.
***REVIEW RESPONSES***
Lisa- You have a snow day???? You are so lucky we don't get snow days unless its icy:( Yes over a 100 chapters done!:D
Katie- we didnt turn carter into an abusive guy... we turned him into a drug user, which he is. He's not perfect, in the show that made Abby out to be the bad one... The one who couldn't hold herself together and now we are just trying to show that it goes both ways. Carter is far from perfect, he is an okay guy, yes, but the reason he didn't propose to Abby is because she said she doesn't believe people can change, he didn't love Abby for Abby he loved Abby for what he thought she COULD be, I think its nuts that people get mad at us for making Carter human. Thanks for reviewing!!! (BTW I am not trying to sound mean, but we have gotten like 10 reviews throughout the story saying we are sabotaging Carter and that is not our intention, but on the show he is made to be perfect, people aren't like that. He had an addiction then boom its gone, it doesn't work that way.) Y