Authors Note- last one for the day:) look forward to tommorow, many more updates. I promise!
Junk mail. That is all we ever get. Junk, junk, junk. I know I am searching the mail for a letter from one person in particular, nothing though. I know it would not be addressed to me anyways, but none the less, I want to know how he is doing. I worry sometimes, I wonder too. Wonder if he is thinking about us. I toss the junk into the garbage and walk back out to the kitchen. I can't stop thinking about him, the more I tell myself I won't the more I do. I can't help it. I love him. I hate him at the same time, but right now the love seems to override the hate, maybe because he is not here, then I think of how he pushed me and squeezed my arm, not letting go, the more I think about that, the angrier I get. I push the hair out of my face, now I am pissed off. Better to be pissed then in love with someone who doesn't want you I guess. I have the day off and Bryce went from school to Matty's he does not get to see him as much now that we moved. I walk out to the living room and pick up the baby book. Sifting through possible names for my child... I look through the girls names first, a little girl would be nice, some one who could relate to me a little better, although Bryce and I do have a unique relationship. 'Madison, Emma, Abigail-' that one is way to close to home. 'Riley.' For a girl? Never heard of it, it is kind of pretty though, Riley Wycenzki. I wonder if Carter would like it? 'Chloe.' Susan's sisters name is Chloe, it will remind me of a drug addict, how horrible is that? The last thing I need is a name that reminds me of drugs and all the pain Carter and I have endured. 'Hannah, Alexis, Isabella', none of those names really appeal to me. Alexis reminds me off a car, which reminds me of a girl Richard once dated. 'Mackenzie, Taylor, Olivia.' I like Mackenzie, Mackenzie and Riley so far. Emma and Madison are pretty too. I have four girls names picked out. I should ask Bryce though, he's been great through this pregnancy even running to the store to buy whatever I need at whatever time I need it. 'Hailey, Paige, Emily, Grace, Ava.' Nah, I like the other four better, I will probably end up making a top five list. Unless I can think of a name that is not in the book. 'Aaliyah, Alyssa, Faith, Brianna.' Brianna is very pretty, it makes the list. I flip to the boys side, I have decided on my top girls names from that page.
Boys, I don't know what I want, I am not really sure it matters. It didn't matter with Bryce. I am glad I got my baby boy though. He is so special to me. 'Aidan/Aden/ Aiden,' A billion different ways to spell one name. That's the same problem I had with Bryce, it was either Bryce or Brice, and I couldn't decide. Richard didn't care either way, but when it turned out to be a boy he was pulling for Richard Junior, I was against that idea, he didn't give a shit about me through out the pregnancy, and he didn't give a shit about my baby, so why should he get to name my son? I decided on Bryce though, because I loved the y. 'Jaden/ Jayden' I am not sure I like either, 'Caden/ Kaden' I kind of like Kaden with a K. Its nice, it can make the list. 'Ethan, Caleb, Dylan' I like the name Dylan for a boy, but now that I know a girl Dylan its weird, but still nice. It can make the list too, Bryce may not like it, but he is not here at the moment so his opinion is veto until he arrives. 'Jacob, Jordan, Logan' I think I would name my daughter Jordan over my son. 'Hayden, Connor, Ryan' Hayden? That's nice. Its after Dylan.
I feel like such a nerd sitting here doing this, I would feel like less of a nerd if Car- No I can't think about him. He'd probably want to name our child Bobby, after his brother if we have a boy. I can understand that. I don't know if I would want it as my child's first name, maybe their second name. Like Kaden Robert John Carter, Or Dylan John Robert Carter, maybe even Hayden Robert John Carter. I am obsessed, this can not be healthy.
'Morgan, Cameron, Andrew.' Nah, none of those, really work for my son.
'Joshua, Noah, Matthew.' I like Noah, its nice, I will add it to the list. Noah Robert? Maybe. 'Addison, Ashton.' I like Ashton, like Ashton Kutcher, he is quite good looking,
so there I go, I have my top five boys names, I will have to run them buy Bryce, of course. I set the book down on the table and grab a pen and paper, I curl up on the couch, my big baggy sweater keeps me warm, I don't look pregnant in it either. I start by writing; Girl and Boy at the top of the page, under girl I write- Emma, Madison, Riley, Brianna, Mackenzie. I really like those names, they are pretty, of course I have to write Jordan on there, because it is a pretty name.
Next I write my boys names; Kaden, Dylan, Hayden. Noah and Ashton.
All very nice names, I like Sebastian too, I wonder if John would want to name his son John, nah I think middle name is better. I rub my leg, I feel less pregnant today then most days, which is amazing. I also don't feel very sick today, its good. I like feeling good. I am just lazing around though, I always look at my stomach in the mirror, this shirt really hides it. If someone saw me on the street they wouldn't think I was four moths pregnant. A knock on the door, brings me back into reality, no more obsessing about my fat self. It is probably Bryce, he forgets his key, its five too, he is suppose to be home by now. I grab my list to show him. I am so anxious to show him that I have been doing some real research on my child's name, yes five minutes counts as research. He says I haven't been giving it much thought. I reach for the knob and turn it. "Bryce-" I say staring at my smiling son. "Mom, what's that?" He asks pointing at the list.
"Oh, my list of baby names." He grabs it and looks it over.
"Mom, Ashton?" He gives me a 'no way in hell look.' "Your obsession with the actor has really gone to far now. really it has." I laugh and he continues to look over it. "Damn it." He says out of nowhere. "What?" I forgot my bag in Matty's Car.
"I'll go run and get it." He opens the door and there stands John, back pack in hand and a nervous smile on his face. Bryce stops and looks at him. I can't believe this, he is here. Right now. Standing in front of me. Bryce doesn't move for a second and then reaches forward and pushes Carter, so hard he falls onto the ground. Oh no.
***PREVIEW***
"I'm sorry..."
I manage to emit it through sobs. There's nothing else to say. There's nothing I can say to her. I pray she can forgive me, somehow manage to take me back. She shouldn't. Hell someone should yell at her, never to let me back in her life again. Build up those stone walls all over again. I'm breaking down.
Junk mail. That is all we ever get. Junk, junk, junk. I know I am searching the mail for a letter from one person in particular, nothing though. I know it would not be addressed to me anyways, but none the less, I want to know how he is doing. I worry sometimes, I wonder too. Wonder if he is thinking about us. I toss the junk into the garbage and walk back out to the kitchen. I can't stop thinking about him, the more I tell myself I won't the more I do. I can't help it. I love him. I hate him at the same time, but right now the love seems to override the hate, maybe because he is not here, then I think of how he pushed me and squeezed my arm, not letting go, the more I think about that, the angrier I get. I push the hair out of my face, now I am pissed off. Better to be pissed then in love with someone who doesn't want you I guess. I have the day off and Bryce went from school to Matty's he does not get to see him as much now that we moved. I walk out to the living room and pick up the baby book. Sifting through possible names for my child... I look through the girls names first, a little girl would be nice, some one who could relate to me a little better, although Bryce and I do have a unique relationship. 'Madison, Emma, Abigail-' that one is way to close to home. 'Riley.' For a girl? Never heard of it, it is kind of pretty though, Riley Wycenzki. I wonder if Carter would like it? 'Chloe.' Susan's sisters name is Chloe, it will remind me of a drug addict, how horrible is that? The last thing I need is a name that reminds me of drugs and all the pain Carter and I have endured. 'Hannah, Alexis, Isabella', none of those names really appeal to me. Alexis reminds me off a car, which reminds me of a girl Richard once dated. 'Mackenzie, Taylor, Olivia.' I like Mackenzie, Mackenzie and Riley so far. Emma and Madison are pretty too. I have four girls names picked out. I should ask Bryce though, he's been great through this pregnancy even running to the store to buy whatever I need at whatever time I need it. 'Hailey, Paige, Emily, Grace, Ava.' Nah, I like the other four better, I will probably end up making a top five list. Unless I can think of a name that is not in the book. 'Aaliyah, Alyssa, Faith, Brianna.' Brianna is very pretty, it makes the list. I flip to the boys side, I have decided on my top girls names from that page.
Boys, I don't know what I want, I am not really sure it matters. It didn't matter with Bryce. I am glad I got my baby boy though. He is so special to me. 'Aidan/Aden/ Aiden,' A billion different ways to spell one name. That's the same problem I had with Bryce, it was either Bryce or Brice, and I couldn't decide. Richard didn't care either way, but when it turned out to be a boy he was pulling for Richard Junior, I was against that idea, he didn't give a shit about me through out the pregnancy, and he didn't give a shit about my baby, so why should he get to name my son? I decided on Bryce though, because I loved the y. 'Jaden/ Jayden' I am not sure I like either, 'Caden/ Kaden' I kind of like Kaden with a K. Its nice, it can make the list. 'Ethan, Caleb, Dylan' I like the name Dylan for a boy, but now that I know a girl Dylan its weird, but still nice. It can make the list too, Bryce may not like it, but he is not here at the moment so his opinion is veto until he arrives. 'Jacob, Jordan, Logan' I think I would name my daughter Jordan over my son. 'Hayden, Connor, Ryan' Hayden? That's nice. Its after Dylan.
I feel like such a nerd sitting here doing this, I would feel like less of a nerd if Car- No I can't think about him. He'd probably want to name our child Bobby, after his brother if we have a boy. I can understand that. I don't know if I would want it as my child's first name, maybe their second name. Like Kaden Robert John Carter, Or Dylan John Robert Carter, maybe even Hayden Robert John Carter. I am obsessed, this can not be healthy.
'Morgan, Cameron, Andrew.' Nah, none of those, really work for my son.
'Joshua, Noah, Matthew.' I like Noah, its nice, I will add it to the list. Noah Robert? Maybe. 'Addison, Ashton.' I like Ashton, like Ashton Kutcher, he is quite good looking,
so there I go, I have my top five boys names, I will have to run them buy Bryce, of course. I set the book down on the table and grab a pen and paper, I curl up on the couch, my big baggy sweater keeps me warm, I don't look pregnant in it either. I start by writing; Girl and Boy at the top of the page, under girl I write- Emma, Madison, Riley, Brianna, Mackenzie. I really like those names, they are pretty, of course I have to write Jordan on there, because it is a pretty name.
Next I write my boys names; Kaden, Dylan, Hayden. Noah and Ashton.
All very nice names, I like Sebastian too, I wonder if John would want to name his son John, nah I think middle name is better. I rub my leg, I feel less pregnant today then most days, which is amazing. I also don't feel very sick today, its good. I like feeling good. I am just lazing around though, I always look at my stomach in the mirror, this shirt really hides it. If someone saw me on the street they wouldn't think I was four moths pregnant. A knock on the door, brings me back into reality, no more obsessing about my fat self. It is probably Bryce, he forgets his key, its five too, he is suppose to be home by now. I grab my list to show him. I am so anxious to show him that I have been doing some real research on my child's name, yes five minutes counts as research. He says I haven't been giving it much thought. I reach for the knob and turn it. "Bryce-" I say staring at my smiling son. "Mom, what's that?" He asks pointing at the list.
"Oh, my list of baby names." He grabs it and looks it over.
"Mom, Ashton?" He gives me a 'no way in hell look.' "Your obsession with the actor has really gone to far now. really it has." I laugh and he continues to look over it. "Damn it." He says out of nowhere. "What?" I forgot my bag in Matty's Car.
"I'll go run and get it." He opens the door and there stands John, back pack in hand and a nervous smile on his face. Bryce stops and looks at him. I can't believe this, he is here. Right now. Standing in front of me. Bryce doesn't move for a second and then reaches forward and pushes Carter, so hard he falls onto the ground. Oh no.
***PREVIEW***
"I'm sorry..."
I manage to emit it through sobs. There's nothing else to say. There's nothing I can say to her. I pray she can forgive me, somehow manage to take me back. She shouldn't. Hell someone should yell at her, never to let me back in her life again. Build up those stone walls all over again. I'm breaking down.