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3.

She smiles when she sees his name pop up this time. She's only talked to him twice in the past two days and only for one of these did she genuinely like him... nevertheless, she begins to find that she trusts this man for a reason that she can't possibly begin to explain or understand for herself.

BleedingPhoenix: Hey

peoplesay: hey

peoplesay: should i be honored that you said 'hi' to me first?

BleedingPhoenix: Yes. Very honored. Now shut up and tell me the story where you were drunk and somehow ended up with that screen name.

peoplesay: I don't think that that's possible. How can I shut up and tell you a story at the sametime?

She can't help but smile. What was it about him really?

BleedingPhoenix: What is it about you?

peoplesay: i dunno... is there something about me?

BleedingPhoenix: yes. i don't quite understand it yet but I fully intend to.

peoplesay: there's something about you too. Something that I can't really put my finger on but it's there somewhere. I think that's why I'm so intrigued by you.

BleedingPhoenix: haha, well now that we have established that there is something about both of us, can we get to the story now???

peoplesay: no. Tell me something about yourself first.

She has to pause at this because she, for the first clear time, has realized that she is actually getting to know this man... And that isn't what she had meant to do.

God... what is she even trying to accomplish... she is lying. Again. And even if it isn't lying... She is still being-becoming- someone that she isn't. Someone that she desperately wants to be. Someone that she will never be able to be.

She doesn't even understand her own thoughts.

BleedingPhoenix: well... what is it about me that you are dying to know?

peoplesay: what hurt you so badly that you felt the need to proclaim to the world that you were bleeding?

BleedingPhoenix: it's not much of a "what" as much as a "who".

peoplesay: all right then. Who?

Yet another pause. This is a new start... Exchanging stories about drinking, being drunk, and wanting to be drunk is one thing... But to actually confide in this person... to tell him the one thing in her heart that had hurt her badly enough so that it would proverbially bleed forever and never scar... that is a different and new level all together.

She shrugs mentally and then chastises herself for making her decision so nonchalantly. She should keep everything inside of herself the way she was trained to and if she can't, she should seek help of someone who is supposed to listen. Someone who knows what to listen for and someone who will understand her problems.

The thing is, she doesn't want to run off to talk with Barnett. She wants to talk to this man... this man that she refused to put a name to in her head.

BleedingPhoenix: A man. Isn't it always?

BleedingPhoenix: he was the one man that I was finally able to place all my faith and trust into. The one person in the entire world who could understand my every action and reaction... the only one that I've ever wanted to hold me and never leave my side.

peoplesay: and he did?

BleedingPhoenix: no. He just never had a side to leave.

peoplesay: jesus this is kinda complicated.

BleedingPhoenix: not really. I mean when you look at the entire spectrum of our lives, you start to realize that nothing is really complicated one piece at a time. And his piece was that he didn't think I was real. Or maybe even human.

Inwardly, she is screaming, screaming at herself for telling, screaming at Michael for letting her down, screaming at this peoplesay person for being able to pry down into the reaches of her heart.

God. Michael.

"You... You look really pretty."

"You may think you're alone in this... like you don't have an ally..."

Be my ally. Michael, that's the only thing I've ever wanted from you... The only thing I've ever wished for. That you could be my ally through anything and everything and not just a handler, not just a professional friend. To be able to hold my hand when I need you by my side... To- to care.

peoplesay: what do you mean?

BleedingPhoenix: I guess I'm just too strong. Too resilient. Too... too distant. I'm just a person that no one can relate to because I'm so strong on the exterior that people just don't realize that just makes a person all the more weaker inside. And the inside is what counts after all.

peoplesay: I can relate to you.

She has to laugh because it's not possible. No one can relate to her. No one can even guess.

BleedingPhoenix: Who?

peoplesay: how do you know it's a 'who'?

BleedingPhoenix: because if you already had a 'who', you wouldn't be sitting here (there?) trying to heal someone you've never even met.

peoplesay: Okay, so there is a who. But that's not surprising is it? Everyone has a who.

BleedingPhoenix: you're evasive.

peoplesasy: yeah. Just because I can't find the words to- to fully explain her. She's just... so incredibly amazing that I don't even understand how words can... God I don't even know how to finish the sentence.

She feels her heart sinking. Because, despite the million to one odds that this wouldn't happen, not in a million years, she has enjoyed the prospect that it could. And hearing about this woman in his life is the equivalent of a door shutting in her face. Because anyone who loves a person like this... is not approachable.

BleedingPhoenix: lucky her to have someone love her as much as you do. I could only wish for that kind of happiness. You know, after normalcy.

peoplesay: I think I'd take the happiness before the normalcy.

She hesitates.

BleedingPhoenix: you can only say that once you've had a life that's not normal.

BleedingPhoenix: Then you know.

peoplesay: I feel like this is a question I shouldn't be asking but 'know' what?

BleedingPhoenix: Know that without foundation, all happiness is dead, dying, or will die.

BleedingPhoenix: C'est la vie. There is no beginning without order, there is no progression without beginning. So the only thing left is the end and that eats you alive for the rest of your life.

tbc

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