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4.

'Till the Fat Lady Sings

Was it true?

She thinks about what she wrote the day before because for some strange reason, she can't get her words- her own words-out of her head.

There is no beginning without order, there is no progresion without beginning. The only thing left is the end and that will eat you alive for the rest of your life.

She isn't even thirty yet, it can't be the end already can it? Because despite her guards, her walls, her pessism, she still believes somewhere that this is all false and that there will be some sort of happiness awaiting her. Even in those darkest moments where she starts to ponder her life and the importance of her life in the whole picture, she can't help but remember the little moments... and when she does, she can't help but smile.

She feels his gaze upon her back as she walks away and, after a moment of indecision, turns around. "Hey." Her greeting is soft, just as their greetings always are.

The same words in the same tone. A parody of normalcy but some semblance of it all the same.

"H-hi."

She has to supress her grin when she realizes that Vaughn, her handler, has just stuttered.

They talk awhile about Emily and Page 47 and the words are swirling around in her head and she can't help but feel guilty for what she is supposed to do, what she has to do, but her mind is muddy and she can't concentrate until those words, those magic beautiful words, erupt out of his mouth and land in her ears. Surprising her.

"You- you look really pretty."

She bites her lip, hating the fact that remembering his sweetness can lift her spirits despite the fact that the said sweetness was only that. And nothing more. And God, how she had wanted it to be more.

But as she idly turns on her computer, she can't help but think that perhaps it's all right after all and that maybe people are right in saying that everything happens for a reason. Because in these past few days, the pain in her heart has dulled and the world is starting to come back into focus again.

She is finally able to acknowledge that despite her best efforts, she does still have feelings and that she probably never could have completely blocked them all out anyway.

Bleeding Phoenix: hey
peoplesay : hi.
peoplesay: you know, I was thinking about what you said yesterday and I can't bring myself to agree with you. Despite all the logic that your words made and all the eloquence with which they were spoken, I still would rather have love and happiness that normalcy.
BleedingPhoenix: are you willing to risk this love and happiness? Because that's what you're doing when you opt for that before normalcy. When nothing is anything, nothing is dependable and when nothing is dependable, everything can be taken away from you. No matter what it is, where it is. Nothing is safe.
peoplesay: what makes you think that normalcy provides safety?
BleedingPhoenix: maybe because I've never had it. The grass is always greener on the other side.
peoplesay: what kind of job do you have? You're making it sound as if you... I don't even know what you know, I don't even know what I'm thinking.

She hesitates, bites her lip. When she said that she didn't want to exchange names, it had been easy. But now, she wants him to know. Because she feels as if he could help her. Heal her. Make her whole again.

BleedingPhoenix: off limits.
peoplesay: you know, you'll never be able to get this 'normalcy' that you're looking for if you never confide in anyone.
BleedingPhoenix: I'm not 'looking' for anything. I've given up expecting to find anything a long time ago.

Should she have said that? God... Even though he had talked to her because of her self-doubt, her self-loathing... her pitifulness, no man wanted to stay too long in the company of a woman who was never satisfied or fulfilled. Never happy.

BleedingPhoenix : I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so pessimistic. I just ... lately I haven't been able to control my felings and-
peoplesay: don't worry about it.
peoplesay: you actually kind of remind me of... the girl I was talking to you about.

Sydney feels her heart grating against her ribs. This girl again. Why did all the men she wanted already have a love interest? She didn't want to talk about the girl.

peoplesay: She's one of the most incredible people I've ever met. She's just...sometimes I feel as if she can weather anything. And yet, despite all of that, she still manages to be modest and beautiful and humble and just...just so decent you know?

Her lip is sore from her insistent biting.

BleedingPhoenix: Yeah.
peoplesay: There's no one harder on her than herself.

Freeze.

"Syd, there's no one harder on themself than you are."

Vaughn leaned over and gently pulled her nose with his fingers, grinning softly at her.

She shakes her head, ridding herself of that memory, willing herself not to mix these two men together. They are not the same. They are different. I won't make one a rebound. As if there was something to rebound off of.

BleedingPhoenix: i...gotta go
peoplesay: drunken story next time then.
BleedingPhoenix: Umm yeah. Next time.
peoplesay: Oh, and phoenix?
BleedingPhoenix: yeah?
peoplesay: Don't worry about the end. There is never an end until nothing else matters. Until you get what you want. Or until you get what is deserved.
BleedingPhoenix: It ain't over 'till the fat lady sings?
peoplesay: Yeah. And while you're making an attempt at finding your end, I'll be here, trying my darndest to box up all the fat ladies. The ones with vocal chords anyway.


tbc

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