~Longest Chapter Yet~

9.

Compare… and Contrast

peoplesay: can I ask you a question?

She feels her blood freezing up inside of her as this simple line pops up on her screen. Normally – if this situation could ever be contrived as normal- she would have replied no and stated that the asking of question was also off limits.

The reason being that she was a wall and wanted to keep it that in order to protect both herself and whoever was trying to reach her. She wasn't lying when she said that she destroyed the lives of the people she loved. In the same way that they destroyed her. The way Vaughn had destroyed her.

But the promises she made to herself are still clear in her mind.

It's only when the consequences outweigh the risks that one truly knows who and what they are. What one can become. And this is what she is about to do. She turns around once in her swivel chair for no real reason at all than to feel the slight breeze whip across her face.

And then she takes a deep breath.


It felt like it was the first breath she had ever taken in her life.

The first real breath she was ever conscious of taking.

~:~



Her hands tremble slightly before she tells them to stop, that the simple asking of a question should not cause the quaking of fingers.

She has been on hundreds of missions, most of which required a lot more skill and should have been faced with a lot more fear but she has always been able to find some sort of strength inside of her- something that allowed her to be calm and able to do what was needed to be done. That quality was what had made her a good agent; she didn't feel like one now- not as her teeth alternately clench and unclench- she can swear that she feels her pupils dilating.




"Sydney, why are you so nervous?" Vaughn's concerned voice reached her ears and merely hearing that soft and mellow tone calmed her even as she felt her heart flip over.

"I'm not nervous, Vaughn." She tried to affect a casually nonchalant tone but from the skeptical look on his face, it hadn't worked.

He moved from her side so that he was standing directly in front of her. She moved her gaze so that it hit the floor. She could feel his steady gaze on her neck, her head, her down-turned face- and she also knew that he knew she could feel it. Stubbornly, she kept her gaze stuck to the cement, unwilling to lose, unwilling to bargain. She didn't want to look him in the eye because she didn't trust herself to be able to do so and stay the same person she had always been.

But she couldn't help the way that she automatically looked up when she heard him call her name so softly that she had to strain to hear the word.

"Syd."

It was almost a whisper.

When her brown eyes clashed against his green ones, she felt jarred- with both realization and affirmation and she couldn't help but look into the depths of his eyes, searching for the things she knew were visible in her own.

Even as her lips were moving- as her face remained staid and calm- even as the words "Really Vaughn, nothing's wrong" reached his ears- she was searching. Searching, searching, searching.

Her lips were moving and she was sure that in another part of herself, she heard his words and replied to his gently, probing questions… but her soul and her consciousness remained with her eyes.

Concern she found easily, skepticism, wonder, confusion at her reluctance to speak, hope that she would, brain-wracking to figure out what the problem was, affection… and then somewhere, so far hidden in his eyes- the windows to his soul- she saw a glint. That's all it was, a glint of something she couldn't begin to define but hoped that it could be what she was looking for.

She was looking for love.

As soon as she saw the distant spark in his eye- perhaps the thing she had been looking for all along- she felt embarrassed, as if she had been caught trespassing or stealing from a loved one. She heard and felt the blood rushing to her face at the intimacy of what she had just uncovered…might have uncovered. She looked down quickly, suddenly finding the her shoes incredibly interesting- unsure of what to do, unused to not being sure of herself or not being in total control.

And it was then that she felt his fingers come up softly under her chin, applying pressure and bringing her face back up, gently making her meet his gaze.

"Syd," he began softly, "whatever it is, work-related or not, you can talk to me. You can talk to me about anything you want. Okay? Anything."

Her vision seemed to get fuzzy around the edges at her words, she wasn't sure whether she could believe his words, whether he could possibly know what exactly his words seemed to connote. And denote.

So instead, she shook her head of all the little scenarios that ran through her head and her imagination that all started with her stating, "All right Vaughn, I'll tell you what's bothering me. What's bothering me is the fact that I have to work with someone who I'm in love with but forbidden to have emotional and personal contact with. Being here, standing in front of you, watching you when you debrief me, listening when you speak, closing my eyes and smelling your cologne… that's what's eating me alive. Because I can't have you. But you're all I have."

But because there were too many different replies she could have received…




She stayed silent.





She can't let another opportunity go by.

She can't let herself think about something she lost when there is something else right in front of her.

BleedingPhoenix: yes. you can.
peoplesay: how many people –that you loved- have you lost?


Her blood freezes for a moment. That question was definitely not fluffed up.

BleedingPhoenix: more than I care to remember. Looking at my record, I wouldn't be surprised if I've been destroying lives since before I was born.

There is a pause after this, a long, drawn-out pause which she feels last an eternity. Or perhaps more.

peoplesay: no, I don't believe that.

For some reason, this statement makes her angry- just a quick hot flash of it before she can compose herself. It is the idea that he can't believe her that bothers her… that angers her and causes her to doubt everything that has happened so far. And it changes her.

BleedingPhoenix: try.

Another pause.

peoplesay: But for all the lives you "destroy"… think about all the ones you make better.

She shakes her head.




She shook her head.

"Vaughn… I'm so sorry."

He looked at her strangely- as if she had said something completely perplexing to his ears. As far as he knew, the mission had gone perfectly and Sydney had made it back without a scratch on her.

"Sorry? Sorry for what, Syd?"

She looked up at him, despair reflecting in her eyes. "I'm sorry for being here, for standing here, for my very existence because it obligates you to act professional and look at me."

His brow furrowed in confusion. "Why should you be sorry for that, Sydney?" He nearly cracked a "You're not that ugly" but sensed that it was the wrong time. And perhaps the wrong person.

When her voice sounded again, it was laced with a bitterness that he wasn't familiar with, wasn't comfortable with. "You don't have to pretend with me, Vaughn. I don't think I could take it if you pretended with me."

He wanted to shake her, to bring her back to her senses. "Sydney… what are you talking about? Why would I-" he took a deep breath to calm himself down. "I'm not pretending with you. Now please- please tell me what's going on."

She slumped onto a crate, holding her face in her hands for a minute before looking up in perfect composure- her eyes the only betrayal of her emotional state.

"All I'm saying is…" she faltered, "all I'm saying is that I would understand if you were to resign as my handler. Standing there every moment we meet… having to make eye-contact when you debrief me- I must really make your life hell."

His eyes widened in disbelief at what he was hearing, her words echoing inside his head. "I don't believe that Syd. You know that's not what I think. What could make you even consider that possibility?"


She kept her gaze steady- as steady as her voice- as she replied, "When you look at me, you see my mother, don't you? And it kills you inside."


His eyes closed in despair. "They told you on the plane."

"Of course they told me. News about the identity of the mystery killer of thirteen CIA agents doesn't keep quiet. Especially not to her daughter. Or the son of the victi-"

He took her by the shoulders then. "You didn't destroy my life, Sydney. You're not your mother and I know that. You've… knowing you has made my life infinitely better. Believe me. Please."

Laughing in disbelief, she shook her head.




BleedingPhoenix: and whose life have I made better exactly?



peoplesay: mine.










tbc…

more??