TITLE: Chat
AUTHOR: Jennyfer
CHAPTER: 16
DEDICATIONS:

for Stanford a.k.a. Speedy a.k.a. moose~

and bella (c is for cookie AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA)

and becky ("i'm going to sit on vaughn!" AHAHHAHAHAHAH)


LYRICS: Coldplay's "God Put a Smile Upon your Face" and "The Scientist"


Catcher


[from chapter 12 ::bring me to life::]

BleedingPhoenix: tell me one thing.
peoplesay: hello to you to and okay.
BleedingPhoenix: tell me what your hands look like.
peoplesay: what?
BleedingPhoenix: Why are you talking to me?
peoplesay: What?!
peoplesay: I believe that you started this conversation- because you asked me to tell you something.
BleedingPhoenix: No. NO That' not what i mean.
peoplesay: are you okay?
BleedingPhoenix: I mean why do you talk to me? What compelled you to ever start speaking to me? What? BEcause I wasn't talking? BEcuase you felt sorry for me? WHat?

Her fingers fly across the keyboard, becoming a blur to her eyes. She feels like crying, screaming, laughing, knowing.

Knowing.

She has to know.

peoplesay: hey... hey... calm down, okay?



Her hands shake from the brute force of the memory.

stop it
i don't want to remember
make me forget
it hurts
too much
i'm hollow
i'm broken

BleedingPhoenix: No. I can't calm down. I won't calm down. Not now. Not ever.
peoplesay: So you're going to spend the rest of your life running. Is that the plan?
BleedingPheonix: That's the plan.
peoplesay: So you're always going to be a step ahead. No one's ever going to catch you.




"Tell me we're going to be all right."

"I can't."

More urgent now.

"Tell me we're going to be all right."

Pain flooding into his eyes- struggle against himself, for himself, by himself.

"Syd... I... I can't."

Heart falls to the floor.

Shatters.

Pieces too small to ever fully repair litter the ground, the room, the entire world. Swept away by currents and waves.

Never able to be fully put together again.

"I'll see you soon Agent Bristow."




BleedingPhoenix: I don't want to be caught.
peoplesay: yes you do.


BleedingPhoenix: What? How could you even believe for a second that you have the right to presume something like that?

i never want to be caught
because if you have been caught
you can be let go
and i don't like being let go.
it hurts.
i'd rather keep on running.

peoplesay: you want to be caught. You just also want to be sure. You're past believing in fairytales now; you're past believing in chance meetings, in love at first sight, you're past wanting to be surprised, past wanting someone in control of what you do.
peoplesay: In fact... what you really want... is to have the semblance of surprise... the ability to pretend that you have a perfect romance where you and the man you're with are so perfect that you'll never leave eachother. While somehow still knowing that you're in control. So that you can have your romance without the risk of a broken heart.

Her eyes are burning into the words, hands are trembling and shaking, eyes are watering, tears are dripping down... and down... and down...

BleedingPhoenix: why are you doing this to me?
peoplesay: why are you doing this to yourself?
BleedingPhoenix: what else am i supposed to do?!?!?

Long silence.

Her breath flutters in and out of her, soft as a whisper, a crucial as a heartbeat. Her hands tremble. She waits for a response.

And waits, looking at the unblinking box, willing words to appear.

And they don't.

40 seconds

1 minute

4 minutes




peoplesay: you're supposed to be able to keep on living.



BleedingPhoenix: I've been living. What else do you think I'm doing? I'm breathing, aren't I?
peoplesay: All right. Maybe you're living. But you're not reacting. You go through the motions but don't put any heart into it. you say the words but there's not meaning behind them.
BleedingPhoenix: How can you say that? You don't even know me.
peoplesay: Do you?
BleedingPhoenix: Do i know myself? What... are you some sort of shrink or something?

no don't.
stop.
don't do this.
i don't want to fight.
either i'll win
and lose you
or i'll have to face the truth.

Breathe

She closes her eyes and waits till the storm brewing inside of her is over, until it has passed.

BleedingPhoenix: why does it seem like you know me? Do you know me?
peoplesay: you said that there was something about me. maybe there is. But how can i know if i know you if I don't even know your name?
BleedingPhoenix: I guess you can't.



She watched him through her peripheral vision as she walked down the long corridor. Why did the door have to be so far away?

His desk was twenty feet away now, fast approaching.

I will not look at him. I will not look at him.

His desk was ten feet away.

Out of the corner of her eye, she could see the crown of his head, his hair catching the light as he bent his head, poring studiously over fiels.

He knows I'm here.

5 feet away.

I will not look at him.

Where do we go, nobody knows?

I've got to say, I'm on the way

down.

She walked past the desk, her heart hammering in her chest, her breath catching in her throat.

God give me style and give me grace.

She looked quickly behind her, unable to stop herself.

Their eyes met.

Her gaze clashed into his as he did the same thing, guiltily.

He attempted a smile.

God put a smile upon your face.

She attempted not to cry. He saw the tears filling her eyes.

His unsure smile died.

He gulped as he watched her composure fall apart.

Where do we go to draw the line?

I've gotta say, I wasted all your time

oh honey, honey.

She realized his gaze, saw the hurt etched on his face, and knew in her heart, even if temporarily, she wanted him to hurt. Her face hardened, a kind of professional that he didn't even remember ever seeing on her.

Where do I go to fall from grace?

She gulped, turned, and walked on.

God put a smile upon your face.

Now when you work it out I'm worse than you.

Syd!- Agent Bristow!

Yeah, when you work it out, I wanted to.

She turned- not knowing what to expect, not knowing what she wanted.

"What?"

Pure oozing venom.

He winced.

Now, when you work out where to draw the line,

A folder was thrust into her hands. "This is about your mission in Turkey. The counter mission is simple so it's in the file too."

She nodded curtly, took the folder from him without touching his hands, her heart still scalded, still hurting, still not believing that it still worked.

Turned around without another word and began to walk to the door that was too far away.

Opened the file to the batch of papers.

Saw the Post-It.

One sentence.

Scrawled, familiar handwriting.

I'm sorry



Her tears stung.



Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are.

I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart.

She walked on.



















tell me your secrets
and ask me your questions
oh let's go back to the start

nobody said it was easy
it's such a shame for us to part
nobody said it was easy
no one ever said it would be this hard



oh take me back to the start.



tell me you love me
come back and haunt me
oh and I rush to the start.



no one said it was easy
no one ever said it would be this hard




















tbc...

more???


-jenn


REVIEW PLEASE!!!