Dismal Angel 2010 - Episode 6
Chapter 4: Remy Doesn't Count
Rogue stared into the monitor that had a camera overlooking the mansion's hospital wing, her eyes glued to the screen, she rested her back stiffly again, she sipped her coffee delicately, never taking her eyes from the screen. The war room was silent except for the constant hum of computers and the soft clunk of ceramic cup as it was placed down on the metal countertops.
On the monitor, she could see Remy sitting quietly, looking around the room, although expression was etched on his face. A few times she saw his eyes dart to the camera, and for moments she'd feel almost as if he were looking right at her.
Stop thinking that way, she told herself sternly in her thoughts, she turned her attention to the other monitors, she had to remind herself she wasn't here to look at Remy. Rogue had other reasons for being in the war room after midnight. All the hallways in the dorms were set with cameras to make sure students weren't sneaking around after bedtime to cause mischief. This meant that the X-Men took constant shifts in monitoring the halls via the cameras – tonight was Rogue's turn. It was one of the most boring duties in the mansion schedules, and normally, Rogue found herself complaining to herself for the eight hours she'd sit overlooking the monitors showing the quiet dimly lit hallways, but tonight was different. Tonight, she was able to keep an eye on Remy, and being able to see him gave her some vague comfort.
"Hi."
Rogue turned to watch Jean Grey sauntering into the war room, her hair tied back tightly making her face seem sharper and her dazzling green eyes all the brighter. In one hand she clasped a large brown paper bag, the contents of which Rogue could not tell, and in the other hand two soda cans. Rogue sat a little straighter, "hi Jean," she said, feigning enthusiasm at the sight of the woman. Jean had never been one of her most favourite people to live with.
Jean placed the bag and cans of soda down on a space on the countertop and opened the bag up, pulling out various trays of Chinese food, "I thought you might be hungry," she said, "I didn't see you at all at dinner," she explained.
Rogue watched Jean empty the large paper bag, "I didn't feel much like dinner," she admitted, she opened one of the trays of food up and gazed in, "what is this?" she asked, gesturing to something in sauce.
"Pork in Black bean sauce," Jean responded, she took a seat nearby Rogue, and opened up a carton, "there's some chow mein there, sweet and sour here, and plain rice of course."
Rogue watched Jean pick up chopsticks skilfully taking a bite out of the chow mein, she noticed as Jean did so her attention had turned to the monitor showing Remy in the hospital wing. Remy appeared to be dozing off peacefully. "
"So…you've been watching him, hmm?" Jean asked, she guided the noodles into her mouth without dropping any, Rogue wished she'd mastered chopsticks as well.
Rogue gave a shrug, locating a plastic fork amongst the food, she dug it into the sweet and sour pork and took a bite, "it was just there, I looked, no big deal, right?" she faked a smile, and turned her attention towards the panel, "god I hate doing nightwatch duty, it's the most boring duty there is in the mansion," she admitted.
Jean nodded, "its always good if you want something stress free to do," she admitted, she opened a can of Mountain Dew and took a sip, "how are you coping?" she asked of Rogue casually.
Rogue paused, "the same as I always am…why should that be questioned? Just because Remy is in the mansion should mean I'm all frail and helpless again?" she asked darkly, she dropped her fork, suddenly not hungry in the slightest.
Jean smiled softly, "of course not, its just it must be hard, having someone you care for a great deal tell you they don't even remember you in the slightest," she admitted tenderly, she rested her elbow on the countertop and laid her cheek upon her open palm.
"T'be honest," Rogue said, "maybe it's better that way," she gave a shrug, wishing she believed these words herself, "Kitty said it…although I'm not really sure what she meant by it…" she ran her fingers through her hair distractedly, staring into space.
"How do you feel about Remy's amnesia, Rogue?" Jean queried curiously, "truthfully."
Rogue shrugged, "I don't feel anything about it, its just a fact of life we all have to deal with, why does it matter?" She stood up and paced the room a little to relieve a slight cramp that had begun to grow in her knee.
Jean watched her, "Rogue, as a telepathic, I sense you're slightly troubled by it, and it may help to talk about it?"
Rogue sighed, she didn't really feel like talking about it with Jean at all.
"Rogue…I know you and me have never been the best of friends," Jean admitted softly, she leaned back in her seat, hands now in her lap, "you've never really liked me."
Rogue drew her breath, "that's not true."
"Oh come on," Jean gave a soft laugh, "it's alright to admit it, I'm not going to hold a grudge or demand why…I always guessed it was because of the popularity…and the preppyness – and I assume for many other reasons."
Rogue rubbed the back of her neck absently, "Uhm…yes, but that was years ago, Jean. I think I'm a bit more grown up than I was at age fifteen thinking you were horrible just because of stupid childish reasons."
"Jean…"
Both women raised their heads to the door, Scott Summers was stranding in jeans and a dark green T-shirt that accented every well developed muscle in his upper body. He gave a slight smile as they acknowledged his presence.
"Yes?" Jean asked, then took another bite of her food.
"Illyanna is having a crisis…" Scott stated, "I think you need to have a talk with her."
"A crisis?" Jean stood up, looking immediately concerned.
"You know…women's troubles…for the first time…she's in tears…I don't get girls these days," Scott scratched the back of his head, his expression clearly embarrassed.
Jean smiled, "alright, I'll go see her," she advised, as she passed by Scott, she touched his arm affectionately, and then was gone.
Rogue glanced up to Scott, he looked as if he wanted to say something. "How's it goin'?" Rogue asked casually, taking another sip of her soda.
"Fine, I guess," Scott approached, "How have you been?"
Rogue gave a shrug, "oh you know, the same as usual."
"You've been more detached lately than usual, is everything okay? I didn't see you at the danger room training session this evening – or at dinner."
"I was busy," Rogue lied, she picked up the small plastic fork and stuck it in the sweet and sour pork tray, moving the food around without reason.
"You know, if something's wrong, you can tell me," Scott said seriously. Although to Rogue it seemed his concern was purely as a leader and her as a team member, and not as a friend at all.
"Nothing's wrong," Rogue leaned back in her chair, "everything is fine."
"Is this about Remy?"
"I wish people would stop bringing that up," Rogue sighed, "I don't want to think about it."
"Then I take it that's a 'yes'," Scott said grimly, he sat down, "you still have feelings for him, right?"
Rogue dropped the fork, "eight years I've known him, Scott, I just can't turn off my feelings like a water faucet – if I could, I would have done it by now…"
"Every time you got back to him, you end up being burned, and this time the man doesn't even remember you at all – this could be a sign that it might be time to let go. After all the things he's done, it should be easy to do that."
"We went through so much together," Rogue admitted, "And yes, I still hate him for everything he ever done, but part of me wants to forgive him because I know that things just happen and sometimes they can't be helped…and the part of me that loves him can't let go because I know there's no other guy out there who could make me feel quite like he did."
"How can you know that when you never try…?"
"Oh come on, Scott," Rogue stood up quickly, her temper flaring, "how many guys out there do you know that are willing to be in a relationship with a woman they can't even kiss…or have sex with?" she pointed out, "there's no future with me, no possibility of children…"
"You're selling yourself short," Scott stated firmly, "Rogue, you're a beautiful woman, with a wonderful personality, you're strong, you're determined, and you're fun to be with, and all relationships aren't just about sex and marriage and children…they're about companionship."
Rogue folded her arms, "okay, fine, tell me," she cleared her throat, "if Jean had my powers…if Jean could NEVER kiss you, or touch you, be with you that way…one day bear your children…would you still want to be with her?"
Scott seemed taken aback, and he stammered wordlessly trying to find an answer to this, Rogue felt very disappointed in this.
"See?"
"No, no, wait," Scott held up his hands in defence, "If this were Jean, I would still want to be with her, it would just mean having to be more careful around each other…I'd be willing to be make the effort."
"Right," Rogue muttered, "But most men AREN'T like you. They AREN'T willing to be careful, they don't want to do the extra work it takes, they don't want to have purely emotional relationships," she pointed out, "that's why Remy was so important to me – he was willing to do whatever it took, he was willing to do the extra work, he was willing to have an emotional relationship without the physical…he didn't care if I couldn't be with him sexually or not!"
Scott remained quiet, beginning to find this conversation rather uncomfortable.
"How am I meant to find a man – in this day and age – who's willing to put up with that, Scott? A man who's willing to just be content with holdin' my hand with a glove keeping our skin apart. What man is gonna be willing to never make love to the woman he loves?"
Scott looked at her, "Rogue, believe me, there are men on this earth who could so easily fall in love with you they would do whatever it takes – and never hurt you – and believe me, Remy isn't one of them."
"Remy doesn't count anymore, he's an amnesiac!" Rogue sighed, "for all the difference it makes its like he's not even here…there's some stranger lying in that hospital wing. But if he were okay I believe he would never hurt me again!"
"Rogue…you're wasting your time and heart on him…move on and you'll find yourself much happier…"
Rogue felt her eyes water slightly, but wouldn't let herself cry, "you of all people should know what it's like to love someone and never want to let them go…" she sighed, "I thought at least you'd understand…"
Scott stood up slowly, "I'm sorry, Rogue, I just don't want to see you hurt again," he placed his hand upon her shoulder, which she shrugged away. Without saying another word, Scott left the War room, leaving Rogue on her own to brood.