Title: Chat
Author: Jenn
Chapter: 19
Chapter Title: Limits of the Heart
LYRICS: Give You Back- Vertical Horizon
suggested soundtrack: Give You Back- Vertical Horizon (Everything
You Want cd)
Limits of the Heart
[[last chapter]]
QUOTE
peoplesay: I think we should meet.
peoplesay: we do kind of know eachother.
peoplesay: or at least, I feel as if I know you. I may not have any
factual information, i don't know your name or birthday or... what you even
look like. But I know how you feel, how you think... what you need.
BleedingPhoenix: you think you know what I need?
peoplesay: I have an idea. And I figure that if I'm wrong... we'll
still be able to figure it out. Together.
peoplesay: It's a thing called trust. In the end, you'll believe what
you want.
We should meet.
I think I know what you want. What you need.
"You're a f****** pheonix Syd! How many lives do you have?"
i only have one heart
what's life without a heart?
All I know about my hands is that they're empty. And I don't want them to be.
"I love you... did you know that?"
BleedingPhoenix: Let's do it.
---------------------------
She sits at the computer, staring at the three words that seem glaringly bright
to her, surprised by her own audacity, her own... agreement to put her heart
out on the line.
Again.
So what? You're just going to be waiting somewhere and see him and say
"hey peoplesay, I'm BleedingPhoenix?"
No, that's stupid.
No, this is stupid.
I spend my life making up stories on the spot and making them sound good...
believable. I'm pretty sure I can manage a hello.
And yet... you are still talking to yourself as if anyone can hear or answer
back.
Smooth, Syd.
She opens her closet slowly, something she has procrastinated doing because she
knows it would lead to this.
Standing in front of a full wardrobe... and finding absolutely nothing. She
hates the indecision of clothes, hates this seemingly inherent belief that all
women have that there is THE perfect outfit for every occasion... all you have
to do it find it.
She sucks at finding it.
Clothes that look reasonable, feasibly, okay maybe get pulled off their
hangers and then are tossed to the floor.
Her room is starting to look like it did when she was a kid. Actually, no. She
spent her childhood tidying up after everything so that no one could see the
disarray it was really in. The broken ties, the frayed bonds of framily, the
stretched definitions of love.
She has never been this messy.
And she hasn't felt this anxiousness in a long time.
Giving up, she walks back to the chair and sits, still in her pajamas.
He hasn't answered.
is he in shock too?
She feels so silly all of the sudden, rushing to the computer and typing a
conversation with a man she has never seen, never met, never heard, never
really talked to... but she does it anyway.
BleedingPhoenix: so... umm... what exactly are we doing?
peoplesay: umm... ha~ i'm not exactly sure either.
She doesn't like confusion anymore. She hates indecision, hates worry, doesn't
want to think about losing control, trusting someone else again, putting her
heart and soul and very body in someone else's hands... but then again, she has
to admit that a part of her does.
As much as she longs for control and knowledge and assurance, she still wishes
for the dizzy vulnerability, the unexpected surprises... the sheer and
unadulterated romance of it all...
he was right
i want it
the love
the laughter
the knowledge
of what love truly is
to be able
to trust that way again
to be able
to hope that way again
can you get your soul back
once it's been broken?
she wants the romance and the surprises... without the surprises. She'll take
what she can get as long as she has an omnipotent knowledge that it will all
turn out all right.
And she's sick of it.
There's a time to take risks, to put your heart on the line.
Even if you don't think you have one anymore.
BleedingPhoenix: How far away are you from the Red Box?
peoplesay: the Red Box?
BleedingPhoenix: It's a restaurant... in LA... it has a cafe out front.
peoplesay: yeah I know. I'm close.
The jolt of surprise she feels reminds her that she didn't really expect this
to happen. Didn't expect to find her healer through a screen... didn't expect
him to be so tangible. So easy for her to reach out and get.
Is normal life really this easy?
do people with
normal lives
normal jobs
normal hopes
normal fears
reach out and touch
something like this
get what they want
every day?
BleedingPhoenix: you are?
peoplesay: yeah.
She doesn't want to go... but there's no where else. Everywhere she goes she
sees him, hears him, wonders how he would react... can still almost smell his
light cologne.
But The Red Box... that was where it had all started in the first place.
Sydney picked up her cup of coffee and lifted it to her mouth, peering at
Francie over the brim of it. She wanted to tell her so badly about her
feelings.
They seemed to be the only thing that she couldn't share with anybody. Not her
father, not Will, and especially not Michael himself.
She even opened her mouth a couple times but the words got stuck and she had to
take a sip of coffee so she wouldn't look like an imbecile.
As she thought about her pro and con list, even though she was biased, she
listened to Francie talk, always keeping at least half a mind on what she was
saying.
And then she decided to tell her. After all, she wouldn't know the guy and she
would understand and it would give her a plausible reason as to why she was so
unwilling to quit.
It was ironic really, that the only person she could tell her innermost
feelings towards was the person who knew almost nothing about her. Through no
fault of her own.
"I have a crush on a guy at work."
"Really? Who is he?"
Sydney felt almost giddy. She felt the burdens and the pressures of her job
lift away. Above all things, Francie was good at listening, reasuring, and
saying the perfect things to loosen someone up.
She was no longer Agent Bristow. She was Sydney, just plain old Sydney, talking
to her best friend about a guy.
Sydney grinned at her friend. It was such a relief to finally unload. She
leaned in, suddenly feeling free and happy to share all the information she
had.
"Someone in my department. We've been working together for about a year now."
Francie smiled back. It hadn't been until that moment that she realized exactly
how much she had been excluded from Sydney's life. Though she had felt left out
at times, this admission really let her know that she had been out of the loop.
"Really... what's his name?"
Sheepishly, she said it. His first name.
"Michael. And he's… I dunno how to describe him. He's smart and he's
funny… he's so cute."
"Hot cute not goofy gute… ?"
"HOT cute."
She falters for a moment, fights to keep herself from closing the box,
forgetting this step, pretending it had never happened...
But she can't.
She doesn't want to.
BleedingPhoenix: can I meet you there?
peoplesay: sure. yes. when?
She feels the breath rattling around in her throat.
BleedingPhoenix: around one?
peoplesay: sure.
peoplesay: how will i know you?
She bites her lip.
"...you... you look really pretty."
Not that dress.
BleedingPhoenix: I'll be carrying around a Tolstoy.
"It was long... really long... like Tolstoy long."
stopitstopitstopitstopitstopitstopitstopitstopitstopitstopit
peoplesay: and me?
BleedingPhoenix: and you?
peoplesay:... i suppose I'll be carrying a bouquet of flowers.
She smiles.
BleedingPhoenix: good choice.
~:~:~
She walks nervously down the street, turning and locking her car with a push of
a button. She tucks a loose strand of hair behind her ear.
She's wearing a tank top. Maroon. And a pair of jeans.
There isn't any disguise in this, there is no formality or a layer or sheen of
someone else. This is it and this is what she is presenting.
What she has to offer.
Only herself.
I need to know if you were real
'Cause I've been known to get it wrong
She can see the restaurant coming up~ can see the high roof and the red light
that comes from the reflections from the walls and windows. Her breath catches
in her throat and she struggled to calm herself down.
She clutches her Tolstoy a little closer to her body, trying to find some sort
of comfort in it.
The Red Box is only half a block away now.
I need to know if you were real
I'd hate to think that I'd been fooled again
There's the first cafe table, jutting out. The white of the table contrasted
nicely with the rich red shining from the inside of the restaurant and the navy
chairs that sit beside it.
It's a nice color scheme.
One that she had helped to pick out.
And then time freezes.
Because at the distance there is between her body and the restaurant... people
are still blurry.
But there's no mistaking that posture.
That build.
There's no mistaking the outline and profile of the person who ripped apart her
life.
And as the vision fades
I'll say I was blinded by your eyes
I felt them burn
And in his hands are a bouquet of daisies.
"I like daisies."
"Daisies?"
"Yeah. The simplicity that they have... they're so plain. But when you
really pick a single daisy and look at it, all singled out... they're
beautiful."
He laughed. "And how much time have you spent thinking about this?"
Her whole body is warm, raging hot with emotions that she didn't even know
existed. The only question ringing through her body is "how?"
How can the man who destroyed her turn out to be her rescuer?
I can't remember how it went
You looked like everything I wanted
And as you came along
Slowly everything began to change
She's still walking, a movement she doesn't understand. It seems impossible
that she should still be able to function.
And he turns.
When the memory comes
I'll say I'm always in the dark
Eyes fall on the book.
To her face.
And she's frozen.
the end?
more?
p.s. i really like quote-y reviews
-jenn