Okay, Wow you guys… I have NEVER NEVER NEVER had so many people review for a single chapter before… That was like 50+ reviews… And it was also a lovely surprise to come back to after canoeing for the past week with my junior class for our class trip.
So originally, CHAT was suppose to end with that last chapter.
But I had NO idea that people would end up liking it so much. I didn't even know that that many people read it. So now that I know that there actually are a substantial amount of people who actually care if this ends or continues and because I do have another storyline/plotline to pursue (though it's pretty obvious), I'm going to continue the fic. The following chapter is long… very long… and I hope you like it.
Tell me what you think~
As you know, reviews are always appreciated… and have a great deal of power (obviously…) in the plot, continuation, and general tone of the story. Thank you all again~
-jenn
Title:
Chat
Author: Jenn
Chapter: 20
Chapter Title: Indecision
Lyrics:
10) You're a God"- Vertical Horizon
2)"Best I Ever Had"- Vertical Horizon
3) You Say- Vertical Horizon
4) Finding Me- Vertical Horizon
5) Miracle- Vertical Horizon
6) Give you Back- Vertical Horizon
7) Walk On- U2
8) The Scientist- Coldplay
9) God Put a Smile Upon Your Face
10) I Shall Believe- Sheryl Crow
(the ones in bold have music fitting the chapter; the other ones just have
fitting lyrics)
Suggested Sountrack: the bolded songs
Dedications: valleygirl2, Egyptian Kat, Reverie, plum, quack!, Little Syd, Agent Vick, Mo
But there's no mistaking that posture.
That build.
There's no mistaking the outline and profile of the person who ripped apart her
life.
And as the vision fades
I'll say I was blinded by your eyes
I felt them burn
And in his hands are a bouquet of daisies.
"I like daisies."
"Daisies?"
"Yeah. The simplicity that they have... they're so plain. But when
you really pick a single daisy and look at it, all singled out... they're
beautiful."
He laughed. "And how much time have you spent thinking about this?"
Her whole body is warm, raging hot with emotions that she didn't even know
existed. The only question ringing through her body is "how?"
How can the man who destroyed her turn out to be her rescuer?
I can't remember how it went
You looked like everything I wanted
And as you came along
Slowly everything began to change
She's still walking, a movement she doesn't understand. It seems impossible
that she should still be able to function.
And he turns.
When the memory comes
I'll say I'm always in the dark
Eyes fall on the book.
To her face.
And she's frozen.
There's a little voice inside of her telling that that it can't be true. That there
are thousands of people in Los Angeles, approximately half of them being male.
And because she has that belief, she keeps on walking.
Until it's not a question anymore.
I love you… did you know that?
She vaguely senses that the hand holding the Tolstoy to her is trembling. It
doesn't seem possible… but there are his eyes, holding on to hers, there he is…
standing there.
To close to be imagining things.
And he's opening his mouth to talk.
I've gotta be honest
I think you know
"Syd…"
We're covered in lies and that's okay.
He walks over to her, closing the space that was between them, his heart
breaking at the sight of the fear in her eyes.
There's somewhere beyond this I know
But I hope I can find the words to say
She doesn't move away, doesn't move a muscle as he slowly places a hand on her
arm.
Tolstoy thuds to the pavement, forgotten… as forgotten as the tendril of hair
that has come free from her ponytail.
'Cause you're a God
He tucks it behind her ear for her, wanting desperately for her to move, to
talk… he's never seen her so vulnerable.
The motion throws her from her shock as she suddenly realizes her surroundings,
her setting, the person she is standing on the street
with… this is all reality. And she comes tumbling from
one shock head first into another.
Her voice is small, timid, scared, frightened, and utterly unsure as she says
his name. "Vaughn?"
And I am not
He tries a small smile. Tentative. Barely
able to cover his own shock. "Yeah. It's me."
Her features seem to ice up once again, her face turning into steel in front of
his very eyes. She doesn't even look human anymore… except for the tears that
fill her eyes.
Hastily, she bends down to pick up the Tolstoy, using the motion to quickly
wipe at her eyes. When she's back up, most of the shock and emotion has left
her face. She sweeps a gaze across his face, down his body, ending at the
bouquet of daisies he has in his hand.
Moisture floods her eyes again.
peoplesay:
I think we should meet.
peoplesay: we do kind
of know eachother.
peoplesay: or at
least, I feel as if I know you. I may not have any factual information, i don't know your name or birthday or... what you even look
like. But I know how you feel, how you think... what you need.
BleedingPhoenix: you think you know what I
need?
peoplesay: I have an
idea. And I figure that if I'm wrong... we'll still be able to figure it out. Together.
peoplesay: It's a
thing called trust. In the end, you'll believe what you want.
She looks at him in confusion, still not wanting to believe that it's him in
front of her, the liquid pooling dangerously in her eyes.
She bites her lip, thinks about saying something, changes her mind and leaves.
And he's left watching her as she walks away from him.
So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Despite the fact that he's absolutely floored, he's not stupid.
He can't let this happen.
Not again.
Not after he saw what he did to her. What he had done to himself.
"Syd!" There's a pain and a crack evident in his voice
but she doesn't listen. She doesn't turn, doesn't care, doesn't
want to know. Normalcy was a deception. Nothing is normal. Especially for her.
She's walking down, face pointed at the pavement, counting the cracks that
spread like spider-webs under her feet.
my world
is falling out from under me
The tears are sliding down her face and she can't stop it. She doesn't want to
stop it.
And for the first time, she lets herself go.
She reaches her car, lays her hand on the already warm hood, and slumps down
until she's kneeling on the sidewalk and her head is buried in her arms and
she's sobbing and creating a spectacle and she knows that there are
people looking at her but she doesn't care.
Because this time, she wants people to see her.
She wants them to know she exists.
Where do we go nobody knows?
I've gotta say I'm on my way down
She flinches as she feels his hands on her, carefully bringing her up, handling
her as if she's broken, hugging her to him, supporting her weight, turning her
so that she's facing him, her eyes red and pain evident from every inch of her.
She's beautiful.
God give me style and give me grace
She crumples in his grasp, her voice hoarse, all the
torrents of emotion crashing through the floodgates and leaving her gasping,
grabbing for a lifeline that she knows doesn't exist.
"Why?" Her words are almost air and he can barely hear her.
She looks up at his, her eyes flashing with something close to hate but most
definitely misery. "Why did it have to be you?"
He doesn't know what to say.
Where do we go to draw the line?
Where do I go to fall from grace?
He did this to her.
She squirms out of his grasp, pushing him away from her, feeling his touch sear
and burn itself on her skin. Her words are not a scream but a harsh hush of a
whisper. "I loved you Michael. I LOVED you and you just threw
me away like you didn't even care. And don't even try to tell me
that you did. How you loved me but couldn't do anything about it. Don't
tell me to put myself in your position. Don't try to make me think that you suffered
as much as I did."
But you're coming back again
Don't tell me
how to be
Don't ask me
what I need
Her throat hurts from the strain, the harshness of her tone, the glaring
bitterness that laces her every word. "You could have stayed. But you
couldn't do that could you? You had to keep your rules and you had to stand by
them and you didn't even look back. Where were you when I needed you?
And then it had to be you who found me? YOU who
decided that I was some sort of project to be fixed?"
Her angry whisper laced with her near-tangible anguish tears him apart more
than if she had slapped him.
She's speaking too loudly.
Anyone can hear her.
Anyone can kill her.
Anyone can kill him.
So she clenches her jaw and opens the car door, her nerves shaking her to her
very core. Gets in, puts on her seatbelt, placing the Tolstoy on the passenger
seat.
She watches as her handler stands there, eyes almost closed, guilt washing over
him.
This time he's frozen.
The daisies fall from his hand.
Here in the light
It burns you up inside
Here in the shell of the sun
We echo on
Too much listening
Not enough living
And then he's standing in front of the car, his strained face looking at her
through the windshield. "Syd…"
She doesn't want to hear more.
She turns the ignition and hears the engine hum. Wipes away
her tears.
how is it
that in a city like this
it's possible
to meet the same
perfect person
twice
break me
"Sydney… I'm sorry."
it's
not
enough
to just say
"I'm sorry"
anymore.
The engine revs dangerously in front of him and the look on her face hurts too
much. He never wanted to cause her this pain.
It's taken much too long
To get it right
Would it be so wrong
To maybe find someone
A miracle
if I cause
so much hurt
so much pain
and cause her to break
like she is
maybe I should
just
let her be
His face betrays his every emotion and she can see exactly what he's thinking.
And then he moves away and lets her leave.
And she steps on the pedal, drives back towards where she came from.
Not sure whether or not she wanted him to let her leave.
But what you miss is love
in everything below and up above
All you wanted was a miracle
All you needed was a miracle
It's taken so long to get it right
Could it be so wrong
To maybe find somebody?
He bites his lip, watching her leave, memorizing the shape of her profile as
she drives off.
Not knowing if he should have let her leave.
He always seems to be letting her go when he should be holding on.
:::::::
She's trapped in her room between her bed and her table.
The bed where she has had too many dreams, thought too many thoughts,
remembered too many memories… and the table on which her computer sat, looking
at her with its blank screen. Taunting her. She closes
her eyes, letting the darkness envelop her entire self with its richness and
sadistic comfort.
it's nice
to not be able to see
the life
I live
With her eyes closed, she picks up the wine glass at her side and lets the
smooth liquid tip gently into her mouth, tasting the sweetness of it.
And then she lets herself cry.
fooled me once, shame on you.
fooled me twice, shame on me
It's soft, silent for the most part. But her world is thrashing.
And she doesn't know where to get a new one.
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
She wraps the blanket tighter around her, wanting to feel the pressure around
her, reminding her that she can feel.
Take me back to the start
And the memories flood.
As soon as she saw the distant spark in his eye- perhaps the thing she had
been looking for all along- she felt embarrassed, as if she had been caught
trespassing or stealing from a loved one. She heard and felt the blood rushing
to her face at the intimacy of what she had just uncovered…might have
uncovered. She looked down quickly, suddenly finding her shoes incredibly
interesting- unsure of what to do, unused to not being sure of herself or not
being in total control.
And it was then that she felt his fingers come up softly under her chin,
applying pressure and bringing her face back up, gently making her meet his
gaze.
"Syd," he began softly, "whatever it is, work-related or not, you can talk to
me. You can talk to me about anything you want. Okay? Anything."
Her vision seemed to get fuzzy around the edges at her words, she wasn't sure
whether she could believe his words, whether he could possibly know what
exactly his words seemed to connote. And denote.
So instead, she shook her head of all the little scenarios that ran through her
head and her imagination that all started with her stating, "All right Vaughn,
I'll tell you what's bothering me. What's bothering me is the fact that I have
to work with someone who I'm in love with but forbidden to have emotional and
personal contact with. Being here, standing in front of you, watching
you when you debrief me, listening when you speak, closing my eyes and smelling
your cologne… that's what's eating me alive. Because I can't
have you. But you're all I have."
But because there were too many different replies she could have received…
She stayed silent.
it's
too
hard
and you tell me that it's over
and you don't wanna be here in the future
so you say the present's just a pleasant interruption to the past
and you don't wanna look much closer
cuz your afraid to find out all this hope
you had sent into the sky by now had crashed
and it did
because of me
BleedingPhoenix: yes. you can.
peoplesay: how many
people –that you loved- have you lost?
Her blood freezes for a moment. That question was definitely not fluffed up.
BleedingPhoenix: more than I care to remember.
Looking at my record, I wouldn't be surprised if I've been destroying lives
since before I was born.
Karma.
Payback's a bitch. But a mighty fine one. There's no
better way to rip someone apart than to take away everything they have been
trying to hold on to.
BleedingPhoenix: and whose life have
I made better exactly?
peoplesay: mine.
A loud sob erupts from her throat before she can stop and it and the sound is
that of a dying animal and it eve hurts herself to hear it coming from her. She
clenches on her throat, muffling the sounds, allowing it to reverberate in her
body instead, shaking her to her very core.
Bites her lips so hard that she can almost taste blood.
Reaches for the wine again.
With large, broad strokes, she marks a large X on the words.
And starts again.
The Beginning- for nothing else- no date, no
time, no place- matters
Peoplesay I bleed.
Peoplesay I need to confide.
Peoplesay I'm hiding.
Peoplesay they can help heal me. Stop my bleeding,
let me scar, and start over.
Peoplesay may not be God.
But I am beginning to believe what peoplesay.
Naïve little girl.
She never thought she would use that adjective to describe her again.
She gives up trying to stop herself and drains the rest of the glass, leaning her
hell on the wall, wrapping the blanket tighter around herself and letting the
hot tears drop. It doesn't matter that they burn on her skin. She's already
been burned so many times it doesn't matter anymore.
~:~
Come up to meet you
Tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are.
He takes a deep breath before walking out of his car, a million different
emotions running through his head, filling him with insecurity and guilt… and
maybe a little fear.
He loves her.
And that's why he doesn't understand how he can hurt her so much.
I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
He bites his lip nervously, wondering if he should have brought anything,
knowing that it wouldn't have mattered.
She would either talk to him or not.
Whisper.
"Vaughn?"
Tears in his eyes.
He moved away, her hand fell back onto the sheets. Worry alighted
her eyes then, fear filled her heart, anguished flooded her throat and her eyes
were blank, automatically compartmentalizing, instinctively knowing what would
come, what would hurt, what would maim, what would kill...
Her jaw clenched as her vision blurred unnaturally.
Distortion.
Her teeth hurt.
"Tell me... Tell me it's alright."
"Vaughn...?"
He cleared his throat. "Agent Bristow... I sincerely hope that you will
get better soon and that we will see each other again soon when you are in
better shape."
He lowered his face so that it's pointing towards the ground and spoke quickly,
his back towards her. "We can't do this, you know
we can't do this."
"Yes you can. Yes we can. You can't walk out on me now.
"Tell me that we're going to be okay." Her voice was a whisper.
"I can't."
"Tell me."
"Syd... I... I can't."
He swallows, feeling his throat starting to constrict already. He standing in front of her door.
If he strains hard enough, he can convince himself that he hears her crying on
the other side.
God, I'm so sorry, I'msosorry, i'msosorry,
sosorry sosorry…
And he knocks on the door.
And love is not an easy thing
The only baggage you can bring is all
That you can't leave behind
There's a voice at the other side of the door. "Who is it?"
She's been crying.
And drinking.
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong
He clears his throat. "It's- It's me."
The door cracks open.
"Can I come in?"
tbc…
more?
Hehe~ I told you it was gonna
be 12 pages on Word
Hoped
you liked it though… I know it was angsty *shrug*… (but if it helps… I always write my best fluff after a buttload of angst
)
-jenn