Guilty Gear Specials
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I do not own the Guilty Gear franchise, nor do I own the Simpsons Halloween specials; note that this does not imply that I own Simpsons.
I own nothing except this fic, which therefore means that you cannot sue me. See? The system works.
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(Episode nine, start! Sol is bored inside an apartment)
Sol (clutching his stomach in pain): Oh man… Why am I feeling this!? I'm a Gear, damn it! I'm not supposed to feel hunger! Ow…
(Sol throws his arms into the air)
Sol: I'D SELL MY SOUL FOR THE BEST MEAL IN THE WORLD!!
Mysterious Voice #4 [I like to make fun of Yu-Gi-Oh monster names]: Well, running through the files, I'm surprised you actually have a soul. Alright, let's get this over with.
(Before Sol lies a pentagram, and Ky Kiske comes out of a flash of flames)
Ky: Hello Sol.
Sol: KY!? (looks at him strangely) You're the devil?
Ky (slightly embarrassed): Yeah. I guess it's always the one you least suspect.
Sol: Actually, the one I least suspected to be the devil would be, I don't know, Bridget, or Dizzy, or May, or anyone of Johnny's girls.
Ky: Yeah, me too. *ahem* But nevertheless, I've come to make your wish come true.
Sol: Thank god! Where's my bitch?
Ky: No no, Sol. The one where you said you'd sell your soul for the best meal in the world.
Sol: Okay, fine, fine. Where's a contract?
(Out of flames comes a contract; Sol signs it without reading the fine print)
Ky: Alright. Now, we wait.
Sol (wondrous): So, when did you become the Devil?
Ky: I was always the Devil.
Sol: No you're not! You're a prissy God-boy!
Ky: God damn you, Sol! I am the Devil!
Sol: I'll believe that when I actually see some--
(another pentagram comes up; out comes a devil Jam wearing nothing but an apron saying "Jam's Hell Kitchen" and holding a tray)
Jam: Here you go! "The Best Meal in the World!" (gives it to Sol; to Ky) And I'll see you later!
Ky: Oh Jam, you're so dirty! (Jam disappears) Now, let's move on to the ownage of soul--(sees Sol almost done his meal)
Sol: Huh? (stops eating) So, I'm guessing that if I finish this meal, you get my soul, right?
Ky: Of course.
Sol: So… if I don't finish this, then you don't get my soul?
Ky: Technically that's true.
Sol: ALRIGHT! (starts dancing) I'm smarter than the Devil! I'm smarter than th—
Ky (turns into a giant devil; demon voice): YOU ARE NOT SMARTER THAN ME!! I WILL SEE YOU IN HELL, SOL BADGUY!! (vanishes)
Sol: Heh. (puts the meal away) Not bloody likely. (looks at the meal) … Crap…
(some time passes; on the Mayship)
Sol: JOHNNY! Where are you?
Johnny: Sol!? What do you want?
Sol: I'm gonna be honest with you; I made a deal with the devil on the grounds that (pulls out a meal box) if I finish the last of this delectable meal, then I lose my soul. (scared) And I'm tempted. So can I stay here?
Johnny: Don't worry. You're in good hands.
(Sol and Johnny walk around)
May (walks by): Sol.
Sol (unenthused): May.
Dizzy (walks by with Bridget in tow): Sol.
Bridget: Sol.
Sol (unenthused): Dizzy. Bridget.
Testament (death voice): Sol.
Sol (unenthused): Testament.
April (cheery): Sol.
Sol (almost about to rip someone to shreds): April.
Potemkin: Hello Sol.
Sol (unenthused): Potemkin. (looks back) Potemkin!?
Johnny: Yeah. He's on vacation.
Sol: Oh.
Potemkin: And I earned it!
Johnny: I bet you did.
May (calling from the other side): Hey Potemkin!! We're going down to Verdant! Wanna come?
Potemkin (excited): DO I!? (runs to join May)
(It is now nighttime; in the fridge, we see Sol's soul meal; who opened the fridge?)
Potemkin: I am so hungry. What's this? (finishes soul meal) Oh man! That was so filling with so little.
Ky (appearing in a quick flash of fire): Finishing something, Potemkin?
Potemkin: Why yes! It's the tastiest meal I ever--(realizes something) Uh oh.
(A portal opens up, and is drawing Potemkin in)
Sol (wandering in; his ponytail flailing around): You muscle-headed ass clown, did you finish my meal?
Potemkin: Um… maybe?
(Potemkin gets sucked in… halfway)
Ky: God damn it. I told those idiots to make a bigger portal, but they never listen.
May (in a nightgown): What's going on?
Sol: Kiske! What are you doing?
Ky: Oh. I just manipulated the contract a little, stating
that if anyone or anything finishes your little meal, then
I get that being's soul!
May: Now wait a minute! I believe Potemkin has the right to a fair trial!
Sol: True. (under his breath) You manipulative son of a--
Ky: Well, I guess a trial is alright. But until then, Potemkin, you will spend a day in Hell!
(Pulls out the Thunderseal, and bonks Potemkin so hard in the head with the hilt that he goes through the portal; Ky disappears)
Potemkin (falling into the entrance way to Hell): AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGHHHH!!!
(the muscle-bound giant falls onto a conveyor belt)
Potemkin: Ah… Well, this isn't too bad. (looks up) What the? (gets comically cut up by a demon) OW OOCH EE OWW OW OUCH!!
(the demon takes his foot, some fingers, an eye, and his mouth, and places it in a bin labeled, "Zepp food")
Potemkin: Ah, so that's what I've been eating.
(Meanwhile)
Johnny: Sol, you're helping us, right?
Sol: Hell no.
Johnny: Well, you're gonna! If the Jellyfish Pirates lose Potemkin, then we'll lose President Gabriel's alliance.
Sol (unenthused; Sol does not like to help): Fine!
Testament: I'd sell my soul to see Dizzy fall in love with her one true love!
Jam (appearing out of nowhere): Sorry. Can't grant something that's already been done. (disappears)
Testament: Damn it!!! Why did it have to be Bridget!?
(That was a little loud)
Bridget: I don't think Testament likes me that much.
Dizzy: Testament! Stop tempting the Devil's wife!
Testament: Yes Dizzy.
(Meanwhile)
Demon: So, you like food, don't you?
Potemkin (tied to a chair): Um, duh. It sustains our life force, and—
Demon: Silence! Then, have (demonic) ALL THE FOOD IN THE WORLD! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
(A fiend underling wheels in a tray of food with almost a bottomless keg; it starts shoveling food into Potemkin's mouth; Potemkin happily complies)
(An hour later, Potemkin has devoured all the food; his once proud and strong muscles reduced to flab)
Potemkin (he's so stuffed, he weighs 1 metric ton): Oh man! That was so good! I didn't think I could eat so much in all my life! I should thank you! (gets up with chair squished to his rump-side)
Demon (knowing he'll be destroyed for this): Well, that's the end of me!
Fiend: Damn straight.
(Back in the living world, Sol, May, and Johnny are looking for a decent lawyer)
Sol (unenthused): How about this guy? "Axl Low, rent-a-lawyer for hire."
May: Sounds too un-professional.
Sol: Let's see… "Cue-Eye Venom."
Johnny: Nah.
Sol: Here's a good one. "Utilizing all abilities in the field, if you need a professional, contact Bri"--(stops reading; goes up to Bridget and smacks him in the back of the head)
Bridget: OW!
Sol: You are not a lawyer!
Bridget: What are you talking about? (Sol shows him the ad; shocked) I meant to place that in the 'Bounty Hunter' section! I've been making an idiot out of myself!
Testament: HAHAHA! That's funny.
Bridget (drawing Yo-yo): You wanna go, Testament!?
Testament (summons scythe): I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS!!
Johnny: Hey Sol, come here.
Sol (ignores the two of them fighting each other): Yeah, what is it?
May: Here's a good one!
Sol: Let's see. "Dr. Faust; Part-time lawyer, and communes with the super-natural. Case won in 30 minutes, or your scalpel in the ass is free." Sadly, he sounds like the best one possible.
Announcer: SLASH!!
(two loud thud noises occur; Sol, May, and Johnny look back; Bridget and Testament knocked each other out)
Dizzy (angry): Serves them right!!
Sol: I missed it! Thanks a lot, Johnny!
May: Hmm… I'd sell my soul for a clone of Johnny that was in love with ME!
Ky (appears, with a Johnny clone in hand): Well, young May, that can be easily arranged.
May: I like my soul. Sorry!
(Ky disappears, and the Johnny clone burns away in a flash)
May (mesmerized): Cool!
Johnny (rage): DAMN IT, MAY! STOP PESTERING SATAN!
(meanwhile, in a demonic bowling alley, a demon picks up Potemkin's head, and rolls him down the lane)
Potemkin: WHOAAAAAAAAAAAA--Hey, this is kind of fun! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE--(hits a spike-studded pin) MIGOTO! [WELL DONE!]
(On the deck of the Mayship, Sol, Johnny, and Testament await the arrival of their lawyer, Dr. Faust.)
Testament (with a bandage on his head): Look! There he is!
Faust: (coming down from an umbrella) Hello there--(wind carries him into the propeller; I'll save you the details)
Johnny: Um, I think I'll move that.
Faust (real Faust; appears behind Johnny): Oh don't worry about it! That was my body double!
Sol: WAH!
Testament: AAAHHH!! (jumps into Johnny's arms)
Johnny: Get off me, you woman!
(It's time for the trial; In the main hall of the Mayship, we see our people waiting for some sign; suddenly, a flaming cage appears before them. Potemkin's body appears inside, with his head finally appearing)
Johnny: Hey big guy. How was Hell?
Potemkin: Aside from having my head used as a bowling ball, I'm well fed and I found some perfect reds for my coloring pencils. (holding brimstone)
April: That is beautiful.
(A grim reaper judge and the Devil appear as well)
Grim Reaper: Let us get this over with.
Faust: But first some ground rules: First, we must get at least half-hour restroom breaks.
Ky (happy): Agreed! Secondly, the jury will be chosen by me!
Faust: Agreed! No, wait--
Ky: I give to you the JURY OF THE DAMNED!! (announcing style) Assassin leader Zato-1; the forbidden beast shadow Eddie; Guilty Gear creator Daisuke Ishiwatari-san!
Daisuke Ishiwatari: But I'm not dead! In fact, I was just in the middle of developing Guilty Gear Isuka, and we're starting on Sammy vs. Capcom!
Ky: Hey, I did you a favor!
Daisuke Ishiwatari: Yes, master.
Ky: (continues on) Gear messiah Justice; Demon musician I-No; and I present to you the development team of the Guilty Gear X Advance game for Game Boy Advance!
Dizzy: Wow, that's a lot.
Bridget and May: You're telling me.
(court is now in session)
Ky: Now, I made a deal with this sturdy and hard fellow, in whom he exchanged his soul, for the best meal in the world, whom MY Jam delivered!
Jam: And that was oh-so FINE!
Justice: Yup.
Zato-1: Can't argue with Jam!
I-No: Yeah, who hasn't done her?
Eddie: Um, that's not what we're arguing about.
Justice: Indeed.
Zato-1: True.
Eddie: Yup.
Daisuke Ishiwatari: Can't complain.
Potemkin: Um, if I'm allowed to say anything, it is that I did not make that deal with the almighty Prince of Darkness.
Sol: Heh. Prince.
Grim Reaper: On what proof do you have that you did not make this pact?
Ky (evil): Yes, what proof?
Potemkin (digging into his pockets): Wait, let's see. Ah, here it is! (pulls out a sheet of paper) Read this! (hands it to one of the jurors)
Zato-1: This could be a map to the lost city of Gold!
Eddie: You fool! You can't see!
Zato-1: Ah yes. That's true. I gave up my sight (gets angry all of a sudden) TO YOU! (punches Eddie)
Eddie: Ow!
Justice: Punch him Eddie! You too Zato!
I-No: Give me that! (reads the paper) If you allow me to become a worker of Zepp, then I will pledge my ever-going loyalty and… my soul to you.
Sol: And the fact that I made the deal with Ky, but he 'manipulated' the contract.
Zato-1: We've heard enough! Your honor, we, the jury, state that Potemkin's soul belongs to himself and Zepp, and not of the Devil!
Ky: Oh, poo.
May and Johnny: YAY!!
Potemkin: WHOO-HOO! (head gets burned by top of fire cage) Ouch!
(The jurors and judge disappear)
Faust: Well, looks like we got the best of that! Here's your free scalpel in the ass! (scalpels Johnny)
Johnny: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!
Ky: Alright. Potemkin can keep his soul. But be forewarned, that let the best meal's curse lie FOREVER ON YOUR BEING!!! (zaps Sol) HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Sol: AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!
(The next day, in the Mayship mess hall; it appears that May, Dizzy, Bridget, Potemkin, and April are all licking their fingers and tasting... Sol?)
Sol (still fuming): I can't believe Ky did this to--(turns to April) STOP TASTING ME!!
May: Awww, but you're so sweet and tasty!
Bridget: Yeah, it's not our fault you taste like strawberry mousse.
Dizzy: Like the ones I make!
Testament (cynical): Really? (glides finger on Sol's arm; tastes) My God! It's like an orgy in my mouth!! I want more!
Potemkin (wiping mouth with napkin): Someone pass the chocolate syrup.
April: Here you go.
Potemkin: Thank you.
Johnny: We're flying over Colony.
Sol: Well, to get away from you freaks, I may as well get off here.
Johnny (trying to stop Sol): Uh, I actually wouldn't recommend that, Sol.
Sol: Why!?
(Down on the Colony)
Baiken (with Anji and Chipp, holding eating utensils and licking their lips): Don't worry boys! He's gotta come out someday!
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Yeah...