Disclaimer: Nope . . . I still don't own this, and yes…I have been trying to bribe JK Rowling with my life savings of err $42 but for some reason she keeps saying that her characters are worth more than that…god knows why.
Ah, now it's time for my favourite part of this fan fiction writing stuff; thanking my wonderful reviewers
Ok let me see . . .
Celeste: Merci Beaucoup, I'm very glad that you like how I'm doing this, it makes me swell with pride *swells with pride*, it is so fantastic to hear comments like yours . . . I hope you keep them up!
pickle: Oh I am definitely keeping this fic up, it's probably my favourite. Thanks for reviewing
GravityDrop: Fanks, I'm awfully sorry that this chapter has taken so very long . . . surprisingly I have been busy lately . . . now isn't that odd
Charliegirl: Hee hee, my equal number one fan strikes again, thanks for the review, I'm very glad you like how I've done Malfoy . . . I hope you like this chapter.
DanniBannani: ok, so that has probably got to be my favourite review so far! You left some fabulous comments and compliments. I'm very happy that you enjoy this . . . I certainly enjoy writing this fic for people like you.
The Amazing Snorkack: Ah powerful, well I hope it's powerful. I'm glad you like how it's going and I'm sorry if I've disturbed you in any way. Let me just clarify something; not all 17 year olds cut themselves. I've written an explanation for why Harry's doing it in this chapter so I hope you read it. Thanks for the comments . . . I'll probably talk to you later anyways =)
Alright, enough of that, on with the chapter . . . the long long overdue chapter
A/N: Most of this chapter is written in a script like style so bear with me ok? It's sort of the only way I could really think to write this. And also when Harry's commenting on something that's happened during the script his thoughts/writings are in this ~blah blah blah~ type of thing . . . ok? Groovy.
CHAPTER 6
HARRY'S JOURNAL
What the hell have I done to deserve this sort of treatment?
What is it you ask?
Well, I came back from doing my Head Boy duties just before to find Ron and Hermione sitting on my bed waiting for me. I semi smiled at them and they sort of grimaced back. So I sat down in my desk chair, turned to face them and asked what was wrong. Let me record just what they said.
Hermione: Harry, we know what you're doing to yourself and it's got to stop
Me: Oh really? And just what pray tell am I doing?
Ron: You're hurting yourself and you're shutting us out mate
Me: Oh am I? Well, I don't see how that's possible seeing as you rarely see me, let alone notice what I'm doing
Hermione: No Harry, you rarely see us, you're always shut up in here or huddled in a corner. We see you
Me: Whatever, you guys can go now ok?
Hermione: No, not until we've said what we've come to say
Me: And just what is that?
Ron: You have to stop deliberately hurting yourself, and not just mentally, physically too
~I remember swallowing uncomfortably at that~
Me: Physically, what do you mean?
Hermione: We know you're, you're . . . cutting yourself
~She turned her head away and whispered the last part
My insides turned to ice, how did they know that? I keep it well hidden~
Me: How do you know?
Ron: Mate, we saw the marks, we do notice these things
Me: What's it to you anyway, it's not like either of you cares
Hermione: For god's sake Harry! Of course we care! You think we're just going to sit back and let you mutilate yourself? What kind of friends do you think we are?
Me: What I do is none of your concern. Can't you see that I just want to be left alone? Can't you see that I'm giving you two your space? Don't you think you should give me mine?
Ron: Not if it drives you to cutting yourself. Harry, I hate what you're doing, I want to know why though, why are you doing this?
Me: I'm doing this to take away the emotional pain I feel. I'm doing this as an escape Ron. I'm doing this because it's what I deserve. I deserve all the pain I can get. God knows how much pain I've caused everyone else
Hermione: The only pain you've ever caused us is this Harry, this distancing and self mutilation. It's tearing us apart! Can't you see that this has got to stop!? You don't deserve any pain, you haven't ever given anyone else any. Why do you think these things?! Your parents didn't give their lives so that you could destroy something that they made; they gave them so that you could live, live and be happy. They gave them so that you could make others happy. Don't you see that?
Me: See what?! All I see is how miserable I make people
Ron: That's bullshit. You're making people miserable now though, their miserable because you are. What will it take to show you that when you're happy we are? Seeing you like this is destroying us.
Me: This is the only way I can deal with everything
Hermione: No it isn't. You need help; you can't try and hold the world on your shoulders. You need a release sometimes. You need our help
Me: I don't need your fucking help! I need to be left alone! Don't you know what I have to face?! Do you think that I'm not scared shitless? How do you think you would cope if you were told that you were the only one who could defeat Voldemort? Or that you would have to either murder or be murdered, no choice in the fucking matter! Of course I have the weight of the fucking world on my shoulders. But I didn't put it there, this isn't my choice. Fate, for some sick reason, decided that I would be the one, the only one who would be able to do this stupid fucked up job! I'm trapped! I can't freaking top myself because then the whole bloody world would die. So I go on, everyday, just so the rest of the world can live. But I need a release, don't you see, don't you understand? Please understand, please
~I was begging for them to see it way but they remained stubborn~
Ron: No Harry, all we see are the marks on your arms and the bags under your eyes. We see the way you slouch along and the way you avoid everyone. We see the permanent grimace on your face and how you're slowly breaking down. Not once have I seen you smile sincerely this year, not once. What's happened to you? Where have you gone?
Hermione: Ron's right Harry, you have gone. You've left us. But we need you; we need the old Harry back. You're so strong Harry, so strong. Please come back to us.
~ I stood up and turned my head away so I couldn't see her tears. I hated the way my heart ached and how I longed to hold her and tell her that I was there. How I wanted to brush her tears away and tell her that I would always be there, always beside her. But I couldn't. She has Ron; she doesn't want me to stay beside her for always. She wants me back to make her and Ron's life easier, no more worrying about delusional old Harry~
Me: I don't think I can Hermione, I think I'm too far gone
Hermione: No you're not Harry, you're not. Not while you have us. For god's sake! Don't you dare give up!
Ron: You can't let this happen mate. We need you, you can't break down
Me: You know that I'd never, well; I'd never actually kill myself. I couldn't, then the whole world would die
Hermione: Oh but you are Harry. You're slowly but surely killing your very soul. And you can't live without your soul, not really
~I was silent, completely speechless. They both sat there staring at me. I wanted them to go. I needed to be alone~
Me: please go, I need time to think, just, just go
Hermione nodded and led Ron out of my room.
When she shut the door I collapsed. I remember just falling to the floor in a heap. I remember sobbing because I knew that they were right. I stayed in a crumpled heap crying for a while, my shoulders shook with great heaving sobs as I lay there gasping for breath.
My eyes are still glassy and sore from crying. I've never cried like that before. Not even when Sirius died. I s'pose that it's built up so much over the years, that when the dam finally burst, it burst big time.
And so I'm currently lying on my bed on my stomach writing all this down. It helps a lot to write things down. It's like I have my very own pensieve this journal, something I can use to sift through my thoughts. I guess I started this entry sounding awfully angry. I s'pose I was, but I'm not now. Now I realise that they were just trying to help. But I'm so confused; this year has been so hard. I've been avoiding people all year, I've had so many responsibilities thrust at me and I've even had Malfoy throw himself at me and demand to know why I don't hate him.
Actually, that's another thing I've been pondering. Maybe I should try and confront him. He seems to be just as screwed up as I am.
There, I admitted it; I am one hundred percent screwed up
Well, I guess that since I admitted that I should admit my other deep dark secret.
Here goes, I am completely and hopelessly in love with Hermione Granger
I hope to god that Ron never reads this.
I still think that when I die someone will find this journal and publish it. It'll be called "A glimpse into the mind of The – Boy – Who – Was – Severely – Screwed – Up"
Alright, I've had enough wallowing for now
I'll write again soon
As always –Harry-
TBC . . .
A/N: Wasn't that nice and, err, depressing/annoying/odd/just plain err I dunno. Well whatever you thought it was how about you put it into a review *hint hint* fankyou very much!