Disclaimer: Hmmm . . . Rowling sure drives a hard bargain . . . I just can't afford to buy Harry Potter of her . . .

Well, now I must thank all my patient beyond belief reviewers . . . have I told you you rock yet? Well you all rock.

Aislin-Black: Hey, thanks for the review; I'm glad I'm making you feel sorry for Draco, that's exactly what I want people to feel.

PhoenixPadfoot89: You'll have to wait and see if Harry saves him. *Cough* err . . . yes; my updating soon sorta didn't happen did it? Sorry about that. Thanks for reviewing!

The Amazing Snorkack: Crazy girl, I haven't talked to you in ages! And I can not write better than you and you know it! Everyone, go read The Amazing Snorkack's stories!

Kim13: I am writing more dear, thanks for the review, tis greatly appreciated!

Elle: You better be treating that pic of Snape well Elle or I shall have to whack you with saucepans! Thanks for the review though.

Charliegirl2: Heh, don't kill me . . . I tried to update soon! I swear I did, I've been insanely busy *ducks tomatoes*. Thanks for the comments though, it's all good.

Gravitydrop: Of course Harry will be happy . . . eventually . . . you just wait and see! Thanks for reviewing dear.

DanniBannani: Meep! Thanks! What a fantastic review! Ahhh, its people like you who make writers truly happy.

Ashley: Oooo, does that mean I have talent? I'm honoured. Thanks for reviewing, I'll check out the site you gave me.

Black Jaguar12: Hmmm . . . is that an extraordinarily sized bus over there? No wait . . . that's my ego! He he, thanks for one groovy review! It means a lot to hear your thoughts on my story, especially since they are so wonderful.

lilypotterfan: Shall keep updating if y'all keep reviewing! Thanks!

Cherrychica89: Well woot to you too! Thanks for the great review!

A/N: Right, let me just say this . . . if you kill me I can't write more. That is all. Actually it's not, I have to apologise for the wait, I'm a bum.

Chapter 9

Ron Again

I told myself I would never ever get jealous of Harry again. I swore on the lives of my family and my friends and myself. I promised I would never see green when he was around or even just thinking about him. I crossed my heart and hoped to die if I betrayed that promise. Do you think it's possible for me to take it back? Will lighting strike me down from above if I go back on my word? Will there be swooping vultures awaiting my carcass because I broke a solemn swear never to envy my friend? Will the lives of my family and friends be jeopardised because I was so selfish that I thought badly of a saint? How can I look at myself in the mirror everyday knowing what an awful person I am? Is it possible for anyone to loathe themselves as much as I do? Will my guilt never end?

I saw her looking at him today. She had that look on her face she always reserves just for him. It's like all the worry melts away to be left with only adoration and pity. She loves him, I know it. I think I always have. I was just fooling myself thinking I could keep her. I mean, who'd take Ron Weasley over Harry Potter? Harry might not know it but he's what every girl wants. He's the so called epitome of perfection. I really hate feeling like this. I hate knowing that I envy someone who had nothing I could possibly want or need . . . yet. It's only a matter of time before she decides to tell him. It's only a matter of time before he scoops her up in his arms and embraces her undying unconditional love. I shouldn't begrudge him that; I shouldn't want to keep her to myself. I shouldn't want him to suffer a life without love. But I do. I want her to stay with me, to hold me, to love me. I want her to want me and only me. I want him to find someone else to love him. I want him to leave her to me. I'm so selfish. He deserves her. He loves her. He needs her. He's obviously in love with her just as much as she is with him. Only they're both to blind to see it. Do they really think they can hide something like that from me? Do they think I'm so conceited that I don't see what goes on around me? I've known them for nearly seven years now, there's no way I can't tell their emotions.

It really hurts inside. It hurts that they are too afraid of how fragile I am to tell me that they love each other.  Maybe if they did I could accept it easier. Maybe it being out in the open with no chance of denial would help me move on. I really do love her, and I have no doubt that she loves me too, just not as much as him. He's her saviour. In her eyes he can do nothing wrong. I love them both but they treat me like I know nothing of feelings, of love of pain and longing. I know pain and longing like the back of my hand. Pain comes with longing. In my case it's the pain of heartache resulting from a longing to be loved by a girl who is clearly in love with my best friend. I really hate that.

I'm slipping back into my old ways. I used to be so jealous of him. I thought he had everything I could ever want. I know now that he doesn't. I know I have everything that he wants. I know I have the one thing that would make is life worth living, the missing piece of the great and almighty Harry Potter, saviour of the Wizarding world and heart throb to boot. And you know what? I don't want to give it to him. If he had her I know, I'd bet my very existence in this world, that I would slip right back into hating him for having more than me. I could never truly hate him, never truly wish ill of him. But I know that I'd hate the fact that he had something of mine. I already hate the fact that that person wants to be with him rather than me. Life is just one big knock done after the other.

When I look at him now I not only see a suffering but loyal and brilliant friend, I see an opponent, some one to hate, some one to want out of the way just to make life easier. I hate myself so much for thinking that but I can't help it. I can't help wanting him to go away and leave me and her be. I want him to leave us alone and stop being so attractive to her. I want her to ignore him and focus on how much I love her and always will rather then focusing on how much she loves and needs him. I hate her for it. I hate her for being the kind and loving and gentle person that she is. I hate her for being smart and beautiful and caring. I hate how he sees all that in her and possibly more making him just like me. I want him to see her as a friend, nothing more.

Haven't I been in his shadow for long enough? Isn't it my turn to get the girl? How can he let himself torture me like this? He could have his pick of any girl in the school and more! But he has to want the one I have, he has to make her want him too. I know I'm being unfair but I just love her so much that it hurts to think that in only a matter of time she won't be mine to hold, to kiss, to love. It almost makes me hope he doesn't come back from fighting Lord Voldemort, almost.

A/N: well, that was rather short wasn't it? Liked it? Didn't like it? Not too sure what to think? Let me know in a lovely little review (doesn't have to be little). Oh and if there are any typos etc. I really don't care right now 'cause it's 1:33am and I am soooo tired it's awful but I just want to get this posted. I'll fix em later.

Oh. And I need a beta reader for my fics so if anyone wants to volunteer just give me some info on what kind of beta you'd be and I'll get back to you. Yeah, so just email. Thanks!!!

Signing off and in dire need of sleep, Charliepotter.