Disclaimer: Do. Not. Own. Anything.
A/N: Heh . . . erm . . . sorry? I erm . . . I got kidnapped by pirates who took me onto their monstrous ship and sailed with me to the Caribbean where we pillaged and plundered for um . . . 2 months. Then I came back home and err . . . went to Sydney for Christmas! I did really go to Sydney. But um yeah . . . sorry?
Black Jaguar12: Thanks dude! I love reviews that are a good size and actually comment on the story/chapter! Keep rocking my socks by reviewing!
Airealataiel: Here is more for your ummm . . . well I wouldn't say enjoyment. Hehehe. Thanks for the review! Hope you like this chapter…
JamesLupinBlack: Nice thing that you love my story deary! I certainly don't . . . it annoys me. Oh well. Thanks for the review! Did you get mine?
charliegirl2: Merci beaucoup! Good to hear from you! I do like what I did with Ron in the last chapter, it sort of made me on his side too. Not anymore however! Heh, hope you like this chapter . . . has been a loooong time coming. Hmmm…
DanniBannani: Thankies!!! Good to hear from you too! Hehehe. I think I've lost all notion of what 'soon' means. Oh well! =)
CHAPTER TEN
HARRY'S JOURNAL
Life sucks, it really does. I don't want to keep up this stupid pointless façade of my being calm. Everyone I care for obviously already knows I'm tearing myself to pieces inside. God I hate myself. Do you honestly think I want to be who I am? I don't want to be the clichéd depressed teenager. I hate all this angst and pain. But how can I get rid of something that's already a part of me? Something that's embedded itself deep into my soul? I'm just a bloody moronic hate driven loser who can't even think straight anymore. I know I said I wouldn't wallow anymore but what else can I do? I had a horrible screaming fight with Hermione this afternoon. She told me that I was a self absorbed self loathing arsehole. I've never actually heard her swear before so that came as a shock just as much as her comment did. It's odd that she's suddenly decided to take the big step into trying to force me to stop hating myself. Only a week ago she and Ron were trying to patiently help me through all this anger. She's obviously given up already. I don't blame her either, I'd give up on me too if I were her. Actually, I'd give up on me if I were anyone. It's so clear to me that I haven't a hope in the world of being . . . I don't know, happy again I guess. You know, I don't think I can even recall the last time I was truly and purely happy. I don't even really know when all this started actually. I'm not really clear on anything anymore. I just . . . I just want to be left alone so I can think about what I have to do. I need time to clear my head and set things straight. I need to build up my, er . . . so called 'courage' and tell Hermione how I feel.
Yeah yeah, I know nothing will come of it except my utter embarrassment when she tells me she doesn't feel the same. It's so very evident that's she's head over heels for Ron. I guess maybe I'd feel a lot freer if I did tell her. Maybe I'd feel like a heavy weight had been lifted off my shoulders allowing me to see things more clearly. I really don't know. It's, hard, to say the least when I think about this sort of thing. It . . . I dunno, it makes me . . . overly depressed. It's the type of feeling that makes my hands shake and my eyes sting. It's like hot knifes of pain driving into my being. It's like . . . an emotional cruciatus curse being placed on my heart. I don't begrudge Ron for loving Hermione, he deserves her after all. But I would like to tell her that I love her, you know, before I go off and face my 'destiny'. It'd be nice to die knowing that she knew how much she means to me. It'd make me . . . happy I guess. Yeah, that'd be nice, dying happy. At least that'd make old Voldie as bloody miserable as I am. He'd be thoroughly pissed off knowing his 'arch nemesis ' died happy at his hand.
I know I talk about dying a lot nowadays but it's sort of hard not to when death is looming over my shoulder all day everyday. Yes, I know I'm a magus and all that crap but it's not really that helpful. It's like this, my erm . . . 'powers' so to speak aren't a constant thing. They show up when I'm feeling extreme emotions, like pure hatred or pure hurt . . .or pure love. But ever since the beginning of this year I haven't really been feeling any pure emotions, mixed for sure but not something strong enough to call upon to defeat Voldemort. All I feel these days is hate for myself and a bunch of other depressing things. It's hard to convey just how lost I feel sometimes.
Let me try to explain. Sometimes it feels like I'm not a part of this world. Sometimes it's like I don't belong here, like I'm an outsider looking in on this skinny miserable teenagers hate for himself and his obligations. Everyday I feel more like my life force is slipping through my fingers. It's almost like trying to cup water in your hands, eventually its going slip through the cracks in your fingers. I'm not sure but it seems like my . . . essence is escaping me.
* A darkness grows inside me
In fading shades of grey
All the colours of the world
Are slowly sucked away*
I don't want to feel like this, like I'm dying inside. Sometimes it's just so hard to get up in the morning. I can't really put into words how . . . utterly hopeless this all seems, to try and defeat evil once and for all. There will always be evil in this world. In all shapes and forms, nothing can ever completely disappear. There will always be a trace of it left, even if I manage to destroy Voldemort and live to tell the tale, he'll still live on in the hearts of his darkest followers. His malice will linger. It's so awful to think that all the efforts of the people in this world who are truly good, truly light will be in vain. People like Dumbledore don't seem to realize that they can't 'win', no one can win.
Yeah I go on about how we will never be rid of evil but that doesn't mean we will be rid of good. Just as malice lingers in the hearts of those who thrive on hurt and pain good prospers in the hearts of those who strive to bring peace and love into this dark place. As long as ordinary people have hope that good can win out over evil, as fruitless as that is, then the light of love will prosper. I myself have all but given up on the hope that good will triumph, seeing as I am the hope of the light side, but many many others have such a strong hope in me it's hard to feel the way I do. Sometimes, something inside of me will stir up and I will start to believe that there is good in this world and it's so strong, as small as it may be that it is worth fighting for, worth saving. And that there, that is my source of light in a place where light is so very scarce.
-Harry
A/N: Right well, that was . . . really hard to write. I bet it comes off all odd too. It's not as emotional as I wanted it to be but hey! Beggars can't be choosers! Umm the song Lyrics are by Stabbing Westward so no I don't own them, I'm not that talented. Right well, Please review, it'll make me happy and want to update ASAP. And remember; you guys rock my socks!
I STILL NEED A BETA! ANYONE WANNA BE IT? LET ME KNOW IN A REIEW OR WHATEVER. Heck, it means you can read new chapters before anyone else if that means something! Merci beaucoup for listening.