Disclaimer: Harry Potter 'tis not mine!

Note: That's right, the most random story I've ever written is HERE. So be warned. It's silly and not for people expecting something serious. I wrote this when I was twelve... which I realise does not excuse anything. But read it anyway. :) I wrote it with all my love. And I don't have the heart to delete it because a lot of people actually liked it (hehe, aww, you guys are awesome) and it contains too many memories for me. Enjoy!

Hem Hem This, Hem Hem That

Chapter One ll Yo! Meet The Head Boy

"Further down, further down!" screamed Emily, glancing back at her three breathless friends streaming behind her.

"The doors are going to close, just get in here!" shrieked Meddy, clutching at her side painfully.

What were they doing, you ask?

The four girls were racing down Platform Nine and Three Quarters to reach the very front of the train (which happened to be at the very end of the platform) purely for the unprofitable reason that emerging from the front carriage at Hogsmeade station put you closest to the horseless carriages and therefore, ahead of all the other students.

And Emily dearly loved laughing at the ickle firsties condemned to walking down the entire length of the platform.

Screaming and yelling, Emily dived into the very front carriage. Making an equal amount of noise, Lily and Meddy threw themselves in as well, while Penny, gasping for dear life, grabbed the door handle and managed to jump on. The four girls landed clumsily into the carriage just as the doors banged shut and a loud click sounded to indicate that they were locked. A second later, the train creaked and slowly began to move.

Lily looked up, panting. "Well - we - made - it."

Emily beamed, hauling herself to her feet and holding out her hand to her sister, who lay sprawled on the floor apparently winded for life. "Of course we did. Thanks to me."

Penny shifted her head and glared at her. "Emily, you will not live to see your wedding day."

Emily chuckled merrily, grabbed Penny's hand and tried to tug her up. "You wouldn't kill me, big sister." When Penny swatted at her, Emily turned to the other two and said, "Aw, come on! Let's find a compartment otherwise we'll be left with a pair of trolls..."

Not wanting to have to spend a couple of hours sitting in 'troll compartments', the girls reluctantly hastened after Emily. An empty compartment was soon found and occupied as the four girls collapsed into it. Six years ago, they had met under similar circumstances. After they caught their breath and stopped sending murderous looks to Emily, Meddy spoke up.

"Anyway, before we had that mad dash for the train, I was saying... congratulations, Lily! Head Girl. Not that it wasn't expected, anyway."

"Of course," Penny said, still a little breathless. "It was destined to her since before she was born."

"Like the Whomping Willow was planted?"

"...What are you talking about, Em? That - tree - was planted in our first year. Dumbledore said so."

Lily smiled as her friends talked. They were so odd. But she also smiled as she thought herself as Lily Diane Evans, Head Girl of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

That sounded really good.

Who, you ask, was Lily Diane Evans? Only the smartest witch at Hogwarts who topped all her classes (except for Transfiguration, but that didn't really qualify as a subject) and was usually found up late in the common-room studying or reading or just chatting. Of her friends, she was dubbed the nerd, bookworm and teacher's pet, but they loved her for it and it certainly did nothing to hinder her social skills as she was a friendly and confident girl. Lily had been prefect for two years, had never once missed a meeting and now bore the Head Girl's badge with good grace and modesty.

James Potter would have been able to describe all that in one breath, capped with a flattering description of Lily having red hair that curled at the ends, bright green eyes and an endearing dimpled smile that he had never once been at the receiving end of.

Her three best friends were the Walker twins, Penelope and Emily, and Madeline Kerrin. The twins looked alike but were not identical. Penny was the older one who was taller, a teensy bit more mature and managed deep and meaningful conversations better. Both sisters had curly brown hair, freckles over the bridge of their noses and bright blue eyes. Meddy, on the other hand, was fair-haired with blue-grey eyes and had a talent for listening and sympathising, although she was also renowned for her hot temper at times.

"I have to go to the Head Compartment soon - " Lily started to say.

"A 'troll compartment' if I ever saw one," Emily murmured, nudging Meddy who nodded in agreement.

" - and I wonder, do any of you know who the Head Boy is?" the redhead finished, looking eagerly around her friends who all shook their heads. Lily looked out of the window musingly, "Then I'm almost certain it's Amos Diggory. Don't you think he's the most qualified person in our year?"

"Why, don't you think that's a bit harsh on the real Head Boy?" came a voice.

A cheeky, malicious, adorable voice.

The girls looked over and saw James Potter emerging from the Head 'Troll' Compartment with something of a swagger. In reality, James was less egocentric than he let on and most people saw through his act and liked the otherwise frank and funny boy that lay underneath. Others, like Lily and one Severus Snape, could not.

"Potter!" Lily barked, her face now a scowl. "What were you doing in there? Only the prefects and Heads are allowed in there. In other words, not-you and not-NOT-me. You see, I am Head Girl."

Yes. She could still be proud of her achievement even while telling off James. She was simply talented that way. Scolding James came to her like breathing and learning did.

James turned to her and his smile widened, "Evans! You get prettier after every summer. Did you know that?"

"Oh, be quiet, Potter. And you better leave before I get you into some trouble for being out of bounds!" Lily warned, but was infuriated when he kept smiling at her in that - that calm way.

"So you say, dear Evans... but I'm not out of bounds. You said so yourself. Only the Heads are allowed in there."

Whilst saying so, he flashed his shiny, silver, squeaky-clean badge pinned to his sweater. Lily's eyes widened at the words stamped across the metallic surface.

HUMONGOUS BIGHEAD.

No.

Just kidding.

The author will crack a better joke next time.

HEAD BOY.

It took Lily a few seconds to fathom those words, their meaning and its consequential impact on her mental health for the looooong year ahead.

And then she understood perfectly.

Lily cleared her throat and said, "Please, Potter. Take that badge off and return it to its rightful owner."

"But it's mine!" James said honestly, his lips curving into a little pout.

At that moment, the other three Marauders came in as if for corroboration, and the girls stared at the little show.

"It's true, Lilykins," said Sirius Black glibly, nodding as he sat beside Penny and glanced at her. "He got the badge fair and square. I know, couldn't believe it myself. But the letter was signed by both McGonagall and Dumbledore, so..."

Lily's eyes darted to Remus Lupin who nodded gravely, and Peter Pettigrew who sighed and shrugged. She paled and James grinned at her.

"You see, pumpkin, we're going to be working together!" he proclaimed happily, putting an arm around her.

"Do-not-call-me-pumpkin!" she gasped in one breath, pushing his arm off her. She looked up at him seriously and said, taking deep breaths. "Potter, honestly... is this true? Did you really get the badge? But - but - how - why - who?"

James frowned at her, "Hey, come on, why does everyone act like it's the biggest surprise since Humphrey Belcher invented the cheese cauldron?"

"Because it is," Meddy muttered. "Lil, calm down."

Lily was taking deep, laboured breaths, her eyes still glued upon James' badge in mortal dread and horror. His smile faded as he realised she was white and pale, and he started to say, "Hey, are you okay?" when the Head Girl took one last gasp and fainted away.

Emily shrieked and Penny flew to Lily's side, while Meddy whirled around to James and snapped, "Potter, look what you've done to her! You've - you've killed her!"

Sirius gaped at Lily's lying form. "Dear Merlin," he said in a shaky voice. "She took that worse than your mother did, Prongs."

James bent down next to Penny who was trying to revive Lily, and said soberly, "I... I didn't mean get the badge. It just sort of happened." He looked up anxiously, "Do you think she's okay?"

"Move her up onto the seat," suggested Remus. "She'll be right soon."

Half an hour later, a still shaky Lily was not about to neglect her duties and was patrolling the train, accompanied by James.

"Pumpkin, it won't be too bad," he said reassuringly after they told off some ickle firsties for being too noisy.

Lily shut her eyes to postpone the moment she would have to look at him, "Yes it will." She let out a deep sigh and stared demurely at the trees flashing past. "I'm going to have to do everything on my own this year. With no help whatsoever."

"Really?" James asked with interest. "Why?"

"Because of you!" The redhead whirled around and jabbed him in the chest, taking James by surprise.

"Because of your laziness," she snapped, poking him in the chest with each point. "I'll have to plan dates for Hogsmeade trips, plan feasts, plan the seventh-year ball, plan everything. Help teachers, host meetings, organise prefect duties and activities - all because you're too much of a lazy, irresponsible and selfish toerag to do your share of work. You know what? You don't deserve to be Head Boy!"

"Hey, I resent that," James said, taken-aback. "Of course I'll do my share of work."

That look. That look. THAT look

It was the look which, above all, infuriated Lily. He looked oh-so innocent and sincere and hurt, as if he was going to his share of work, but which she knew was impossible.

Which explained why she said, clipped, "No, you won't! You're too - too selfish to do anything for anyone else!"

She stomped off, leaving a bewildered James half-wondering just how much one could emphasise on their words.

Sirius, who had been out and about looking for the food trolley, had witnessed the whole scene and came wandering up to comfort his best buddy. "Hey mate," he said bracingly. "Looks like things aren't gonna be any easier this year, eh?"

James grunted, still watching the spot where she had just yelled at him. "Yeah. But I can take a challenge. Why does she get ticked off at me so easily, though? I was being so suave and nice. Didn't even use any of those Muggle pick-up lines from that book my uncle sent me."

"Maybe it's a reflex," Sirius suggested. "She's had to do it for a few years now and it comes naturally."

"Ah, but she's so adorable when she's angry," James sighed, rumpling up the back of his hair unconsciously. Sirius eyed the action and clapped James on the shoulder, steering him back to their compartment.

"And you had better stop doing that too, Prongs," he added helpfully, "Lily hates it when you run your hand through your hair."

A/N: I started a seventh year story cos I wanted to! XD The title is as it is because of a new librarian our school got when I was writing this fic... those many years ago. She really wasn't that bad now that I think about it, but in my eleven-year-old mind I thought she was a cow and my friend and I (really the only HP obsessed ones at the time) nicknamed her "Mrs Umbridge." We thought we were funny :) and we kept imitating her. And voila, the title came out amidst our ramblings.

The line "Come on, let's find a compartment otherwise we'll be left with a pair of trolls..." was, of course, inspired by the oh-so-wonderful Ron Weasley's quote in GoF, concerning ball dates. Hehe. And the line "A "troll compartment" if I ever saw one." was inspired by either Fred or George Weasley (can't remember), when they were discussing Professor Trelawney in OoTP. --MSQ.