Quidditch in Bed 15: After the match: postmatch etiquette
After the game, you may wish to head for the locker room and smoke a cigarette, before taking a very self-satisfied look at yourself as you drift into the lands of Morpheus, and possibly retract a certain amount of what you said to your witch in the process of the game. After all, a certain amount of verbal interaction is necessary, and is considered by the boys to be good gamesmanship. A word to the wise: These actions are not considered to be advisable if you wish to reach the fulness of your years. I[Ed's note- It's generally surprising that men last as long as they do, given their reputed behaviour]/i
Unlike Muggle society, there has always been a certain balance to being magical, and there is generally a far greater respect for our witches than a muggle to his female counterpart.
This section will guide you through the pitfalls of post-match gameplay, and assist you in the correct procedures, with the handy checklist at the end of the chapter.
If you really do want to collapse after a game, then casting a disillusionment charm on yourself, and hoping that your witch doesn't notice is not the politest way to behave. Is it? Nor is it likely to increase your chances of a repeat match. If you must slip off, then promise to catch up for a post-match coffee at a later point in time, and do not fail to make that appointment. It may merely be that after 20 minutes you will meet her in the locker room, or that you will take her to dinner at a fancy restaurant that evening. Witches like the reassurance that you are part of the team, and not merely in it for the pick-up game, and they have the hexes to make their position known if they are not happy.
There is of course a world of difference between what a witch would like, what a witch expects, what she actually gets, and what she says. For many wizards the dissipation of tension after the final snitch is a cue to wander off to the bar, have a quick cigarette, engage in a pass-by-pass analysis or simply drop off for a nap. A witch is more inclined to bathe in the afterglow of a successfully completed innings with those to whom she is the closest, discussing the result and the likely outcmoe and generally being reassured about what happened over the course of the match. She may also wish to indulge in fantasy quidditch, and the wary, wily wizard should be careful about his answers, before he finds himself preparing the robes and booking the stadium.
Charms You may, at this point, be realising that you should have cast charms to prevent injury after the game. It is not advisable to do so, under any circumstances without the full formal consent of your witch, as these require a lot of skill, and can be considered a gross violation of your witch. Under the Wizarding Statutes, you may be remanded in Azkaban for an indefinite period, and subject to an unlimited fine. These statutes have been in place since the Parva Carta of 1216, which accorded rights to witches, following a successful campaign led by Gunhilda Kneen.
Post game analysis There are certain things that you should steer clear of when making conversation in a somnolent state. Witches are programmed to keep going on and on, while Wizards tend to work with short bursts of energy. If necessary, you may wish to cast iEvigilo/i. However, doing this for prolonged periods may cause the usual signs associated with lack of sleep, and may impair your performance. You may also find it more difficult to sleep later on. Try to be honestly complimentary, and steer away from where she can plausibly read things into what you say. If she is frequently inclined towards reading deeper into your words than you intended, then falling asleep rapidly may be your only option, and you find that there is a case to be made for finding a new opponent. Being faced with a dissertation of how the superstructure of expression (your tired ramblings) reflects your underlying biases (that you don't rate her as a quidditch player) is not nice. Even if it is true.
Tell her that you find her attractive, that you liked the way she played with your broomstick, or the new way of scoring that she came up with. Some wizards are very unimaginative about what can constitute a hoop, and this is where your witch may be unenlightened. This is, however, not necessarily the best time to bring up that new gameplay you saw in Quidditch Weekly, unless she brings it up first.
A note on stray snitches. It may be that she prefers to leave a snitch or two to catch on her own, particularly if you're a better chaser than seeker. You may find that judicious practice with her at catching her snitches may be advisable, but there are times when this is not a good idea, and you should cut your losses and leave it there. After a long hot game of quidditch it may be that your reflexes and eyesight have been distorted, and you have little hope of catching the golden balls, and more chance of doing yourself or your witch a fierce injury in the process.
Cleaning up Depending on the location of the game, you may find that you need to put kit away - Bludgers, Quaffles etc. This should be done discreetly, and with due attention to others who might be passing. You should ideally help each other, as this can prove as much fun as releasing the bludgers in the first place, or the game itself. The opportunity for humour should only used if it is done gently, and you and your witch are laughing with each other, and not at each other. iScourgify/i can be a very useful spell, although it should be wielded wisely, as you may find that your witch objects to the way your wand arranges her locker room. It should only be done by a competent wizard, otherwise you may find that it is far safer to do it by hand.
Making an exit Try to do this tactfully - don't make promises that you can't keep. If you really want to spend some time alone, say so, and don't get dragged into an analysis of your motivations for doing so. If the match is a cause for regret, then the authors beg you not to employ memory charms on yourself, of either the magical or muggle kind. You may find that this particular game will provide useful in years to come, or that you look on it fondly. It is not a good idea to suggest that the reason that you are departing is for further team practice. You may prefer to have a good reason for leaving, especially at one o'clock in the morning, which will not arouse suspicion. Apparating straight from her locker to room to your bed may not be sensible, as apparating naked is not allowed, and the dangers of splinching yourself are greater when naked. There is also the danger of mistiming your re-appearance.
Calling it a day This is not the time to do it. You may have a greater degree of clarity, but reserve your speeches for when you have the energy to withstand some serious hexing. If she decides to call it a day: Don't plead, don't beg, don't cry. Leave.
Checklist: Has your witch caught her snitch? Does your witch wish to catch her snitch? Does your witch actually want you around, and does she want to talk to you? Have you got some nice things to say to her? Is she chronically insecure about her gameplay? Are you better off with a different witch?
After the game, you may wish to head for the locker room and smoke a cigarette, before taking a very self-satisfied look at yourself as you drift into the lands of Morpheus, and possibly retract a certain amount of what you said to your witch in the process of the game. After all, a certain amount of verbal interaction is necessary, and is considered by the boys to be good gamesmanship. A word to the wise: These actions are not considered to be advisable if you wish to reach the fulness of your years. I[Ed's note- It's generally surprising that men last as long as they do, given their reputed behaviour]/i
Unlike Muggle society, there has always been a certain balance to being magical, and there is generally a far greater respect for our witches than a muggle to his female counterpart.
This section will guide you through the pitfalls of post-match gameplay, and assist you in the correct procedures, with the handy checklist at the end of the chapter.
If you really do want to collapse after a game, then casting a disillusionment charm on yourself, and hoping that your witch doesn't notice is not the politest way to behave. Is it? Nor is it likely to increase your chances of a repeat match. If you must slip off, then promise to catch up for a post-match coffee at a later point in time, and do not fail to make that appointment. It may merely be that after 20 minutes you will meet her in the locker room, or that you will take her to dinner at a fancy restaurant that evening. Witches like the reassurance that you are part of the team, and not merely in it for the pick-up game, and they have the hexes to make their position known if they are not happy.
There is of course a world of difference between what a witch would like, what a witch expects, what she actually gets, and what she says. For many wizards the dissipation of tension after the final snitch is a cue to wander off to the bar, have a quick cigarette, engage in a pass-by-pass analysis or simply drop off for a nap. A witch is more inclined to bathe in the afterglow of a successfully completed innings with those to whom she is the closest, discussing the result and the likely outcmoe and generally being reassured about what happened over the course of the match. She may also wish to indulge in fantasy quidditch, and the wary, wily wizard should be careful about his answers, before he finds himself preparing the robes and booking the stadium.
Charms You may, at this point, be realising that you should have cast charms to prevent injury after the game. It is not advisable to do so, under any circumstances without the full formal consent of your witch, as these require a lot of skill, and can be considered a gross violation of your witch. Under the Wizarding Statutes, you may be remanded in Azkaban for an indefinite period, and subject to an unlimited fine. These statutes have been in place since the Parva Carta of 1216, which accorded rights to witches, following a successful campaign led by Gunhilda Kneen.
Post game analysis There are certain things that you should steer clear of when making conversation in a somnolent state. Witches are programmed to keep going on and on, while Wizards tend to work with short bursts of energy. If necessary, you may wish to cast iEvigilo/i. However, doing this for prolonged periods may cause the usual signs associated with lack of sleep, and may impair your performance. You may also find it more difficult to sleep later on. Try to be honestly complimentary, and steer away from where she can plausibly read things into what you say. If she is frequently inclined towards reading deeper into your words than you intended, then falling asleep rapidly may be your only option, and you find that there is a case to be made for finding a new opponent. Being faced with a dissertation of how the superstructure of expression (your tired ramblings) reflects your underlying biases (that you don't rate her as a quidditch player) is not nice. Even if it is true.
Tell her that you find her attractive, that you liked the way she played with your broomstick, or the new way of scoring that she came up with. Some wizards are very unimaginative about what can constitute a hoop, and this is where your witch may be unenlightened. This is, however, not necessarily the best time to bring up that new gameplay you saw in Quidditch Weekly, unless she brings it up first.
A note on stray snitches. It may be that she prefers to leave a snitch or two to catch on her own, particularly if you're a better chaser than seeker. You may find that judicious practice with her at catching her snitches may be advisable, but there are times when this is not a good idea, and you should cut your losses and leave it there. After a long hot game of quidditch it may be that your reflexes and eyesight have been distorted, and you have little hope of catching the golden balls, and more chance of doing yourself or your witch a fierce injury in the process.
Cleaning up Depending on the location of the game, you may find that you need to put kit away - Bludgers, Quaffles etc. This should be done discreetly, and with due attention to others who might be passing. You should ideally help each other, as this can prove as much fun as releasing the bludgers in the first place, or the game itself. The opportunity for humour should only used if it is done gently, and you and your witch are laughing with each other, and not at each other. iScourgify/i can be a very useful spell, although it should be wielded wisely, as you may find that your witch objects to the way your wand arranges her locker room. It should only be done by a competent wizard, otherwise you may find that it is far safer to do it by hand.
Making an exit Try to do this tactfully - don't make promises that you can't keep. If you really want to spend some time alone, say so, and don't get dragged into an analysis of your motivations for doing so. If the match is a cause for regret, then the authors beg you not to employ memory charms on yourself, of either the magical or muggle kind. You may find that this particular game will provide useful in years to come, or that you look on it fondly. It is not a good idea to suggest that the reason that you are departing is for further team practice. You may prefer to have a good reason for leaving, especially at one o'clock in the morning, which will not arouse suspicion. Apparating straight from her locker to room to your bed may not be sensible, as apparating naked is not allowed, and the dangers of splinching yourself are greater when naked. There is also the danger of mistiming your re-appearance.
Calling it a day This is not the time to do it. You may have a greater degree of clarity, but reserve your speeches for when you have the energy to withstand some serious hexing. If she decides to call it a day: Don't plead, don't beg, don't cry. Leave.
Checklist: Has your witch caught her snitch? Does your witch wish to catch her snitch? Does your witch actually want you around, and does she want to talk to you? Have you got some nice things to say to her? Is she chronically insecure about her gameplay? Are you better off with a different witch?