Disclaimer: It should first be noted that nothing related to Pirates of the
Caribbean belongs to me. My friends, however, belong to themselves. It
should also be noted that this is a parody, where nonsense and bad writing
abound. The whole thing is basically taken from a conversation I had with
my friend when we were very bored and putting off homework.
'I'm bored. Tell me a story, Steph,' said Amber.
'Hm,' said Steph, 'Let me think of one.'
Once upon a time, there was a little girl pirate. Her name was Amber. She was a big bad, hockey playing girl pirate.
'Yay!'
But mostly she liked to beat people up with swords. She was the best swordsman - er...swordswoman? - of them all, almost as good as Johnny Depp, but not quite.
'Awww! But I'm practicing.'
One day, Big Bad Hockey Playing Amber stole a ship - or commandeered one, rather, since she was a pirate. Big Bad Hockey Playing Amber (henceforth known as BBHPA because Big Bad Hockey Playing Amber is too long) stole that ship, and sailed to. that island with all the drunk people and the girls who smack Johnny Depp
'Tortuga.'
Yes. BBHPA sailed to Tortuga. Without a crew, mind you, because she was just that good. But she wanted a crew anyhow, because it's boring sailing alone.
'Cabin fever takes over.'
Exactly. And she also needed a land break, so she could eat some fruit to keep from getting scurvy.
'I don't want to get scurvy.'
Nope. That's why she had to stop at Tortuga.
'And get a crew so I could have friends.'
Exactly. Now, it just so happened that Johnny Depp - Captain Jack Sparrow, rather - was hanging around Tortuga. See, his good friend Will Turner had just ditched him to get married, and since his wife was the governor's daughter, they couldn't very well go out pirating right away (maybe later though). So Captain Jack Sparrow, the number one sword fighter, was hanging around Tortuga
So BBHPA said, 'Hey Captain Jack, I need a crew.' And just like that, BBHPA joined in with Captain Jack Sparrow's crew. They actually had enough for two ships now, because both Captain Jack and BBHPA are very well known. So Captain Jack really became Commandeer Jack, but we call him Captain Jack anyhow because it sounds better
These two ships sailed into the harbor where we last saw Jack's good friend Will. Jack and BBHPA snuck in to the blacksmith's shop where Jack's Good Friend Will and Will's Beautiful but Butt-Kicking Wife Elizabeth lived (henceforth known as Will and Elizabeth because I am lazy).
'Will!' shouted Captain Jack, (though why he was shouting, I don't know, seeing as he was supposed to be sneaking). 'Will Turner, that's enough blacksmithing for you for a while.' 'Avast' said Will ' Is it time for more pirating?' 'Will,' said Jack, 'Real pirates don't say avast, savvy? We do, however, say savvy, savvy? We also don't "go pirating." We're really bad eggs, you know. We pillage and plunder and don't give a hoot'
"Drink up me hearties, yo ho."
Then Captain Jack Sparrow and Will both drank some beer. This is when the butt kicking girls came in.
'Yay!'
'Hey!' shouted BBHPA, 'Stop drinking beer! We have pirating to do!' 'Pirating?' said the two hot men.
'I love pirating. Awesome.'
'Yes, pirating,' said BBHPA, 'Pillaging and plundering and all that, savvy? Now let's get to it!' 'Not without me!' said Elizabeth 'Hey, me too!" said Elizabeth's Only Slightly Less Butt-Kicking Friend Steph (henceforth known as...EOFS because even the abbreviation for that is too long).
'Except that abbreviates to Elizabeth's Only Friend Steph.hm.something like that.ah well.' 'She's not very popular.' 'Well she is the governor's daughter, after all. Most of her shallow friends ditched her after she married a blacksmith.' 'Of course, being shallow and all.' 'Exactly.'
So Elizabeth, butt-kicking girl that she is, found new piratey friends, and, of course, she had Will. But, being piratey, Elizabeth and EOFS weren't very happy about being left behind. I mean, you can only carry the pirates' code so far. It's really more like guidelines. And besides, whoever heard of a pirates' code for butt-kicking girls being left behind for pirating? There's no rule for that. So BBHPA, Elizabeth and EOFS made a new rule: 'No leaving butt-kicking girls behind...'
'I like that rule.' 'Ah, but you haven't heard the clause yet.'
'No leaving butt-kicking girls behind, or they'll kick your butts and leave you for the sea turtles'
'Even better.'
Because sea turtles can be very vicious, you know.*chomp* So now, BBHPA, EOFS, Liz (Elizabeth is also too long), CJ (Captain Jack) and Will set off to their ships, but on the way there, they were accosted by Commandeer Norrington's sidekick.Whatshisface. 'Cathy?' 'No no, this is an evil sidekick.' 'Ah.' Commandeer Norrington is a nice little pansy who let the woman he loved go pirating.' 'True true.'
So, Whatshisface yelled, 'Jack Sparrow!' "CAPTAIN, Captain Jack Sparrow' said Captain Jack Sparrow. 'Avast,' said Will. "Will you stop saying Avast already?" said BBHPA. 'Yeah,' said EOFS, "I'm not even a pirate, and I know better than to say avast. Especially with a pansy British accent.'
'Definitely.'
'Although, if you say it with an American accent (even though those haven't been invented yet, seeing as this is the early 1700s), avast sounds even stupider," mused Liz. 'Avast,' tried EOFS 'Wow, pretty stupid,' said BBHPS 'Hey! I was trying to turn you in!" yelled Whatshisface. (Whatshisface yelled a lot, because he had an inferiority complex from being a minion of a pansy)
'Conflict. Awesome.'
'Arr.' said Will. Everyone looked at him...then glanced at each other. "Arr,' they all growled, except for EOFS, because she couldn't 'Arr' very well. She said 'Gr' instead. Just like that, too 'gr.' Not 'GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.' 'Gr.' Liz had had some time to practice on her 'Arrs.' She was getting pretty good at them Hers were still a little girly though. BBHPA, on the other hand, her 'Arrs' were just as good as Jack's. Jack thought to himself, 'Wow, that BBHPA is one.'
'...hm..............what's a pirate word for good?' 'Um.??? I don't know one.'
'Wow, that BBHPA is one savvy pirate.'
'I was TRYING to turn you all in, if you don't mind," yelled Whatshisface. 'One of you turn in all ... 5 of us?" asked EOFS. BBHPA and Jack drew their cutlasses, and pointed them at Whatshisface.
'Cutlasses?'
'Yes. Pirate swords.' 'Ah.' 'The shorter ones.'
So BBHPA and Captain Jack drew their cutlasses on Whatshisname .er. Whatshisname was Whatshisface's friend. Who magically appeared. Out of nowhere
'Cause this is a Disney movie.' 'So 'tis.' 'Haha! Now the odds are TWO to five,' yelled Whatshisface "..." said the piratey people.
'I think we'll have to continue this story, cause I'm tired and must be pushing off to bed savvy?' 'I agree, because I'm supposed to be studying. Savvy. Avast.' 'Ar.' 'Gr.' 'Arrrrr.' 'There you go. That was an arr worthy of Captain Jack Sparrow.' 'Yay.'
*Clap clap clap* *Whistle*
So there you go. The beginnings of an adventure, begun by Amber and I because we were very very VERY bored.
'I'm bored. Tell me a story, Steph,' said Amber.
'Hm,' said Steph, 'Let me think of one.'
Once upon a time, there was a little girl pirate. Her name was Amber. She was a big bad, hockey playing girl pirate.
'Yay!'
But mostly she liked to beat people up with swords. She was the best swordsman - er...swordswoman? - of them all, almost as good as Johnny Depp, but not quite.
'Awww! But I'm practicing.'
One day, Big Bad Hockey Playing Amber stole a ship - or commandeered one, rather, since she was a pirate. Big Bad Hockey Playing Amber (henceforth known as BBHPA because Big Bad Hockey Playing Amber is too long) stole that ship, and sailed to. that island with all the drunk people and the girls who smack Johnny Depp
'Tortuga.'
Yes. BBHPA sailed to Tortuga. Without a crew, mind you, because she was just that good. But she wanted a crew anyhow, because it's boring sailing alone.
'Cabin fever takes over.'
Exactly. And she also needed a land break, so she could eat some fruit to keep from getting scurvy.
'I don't want to get scurvy.'
Nope. That's why she had to stop at Tortuga.
'And get a crew so I could have friends.'
Exactly. Now, it just so happened that Johnny Depp - Captain Jack Sparrow, rather - was hanging around Tortuga. See, his good friend Will Turner had just ditched him to get married, and since his wife was the governor's daughter, they couldn't very well go out pirating right away (maybe later though). So Captain Jack Sparrow, the number one sword fighter, was hanging around Tortuga
So BBHPA said, 'Hey Captain Jack, I need a crew.' And just like that, BBHPA joined in with Captain Jack Sparrow's crew. They actually had enough for two ships now, because both Captain Jack and BBHPA are very well known. So Captain Jack really became Commandeer Jack, but we call him Captain Jack anyhow because it sounds better
These two ships sailed into the harbor where we last saw Jack's good friend Will. Jack and BBHPA snuck in to the blacksmith's shop where Jack's Good Friend Will and Will's Beautiful but Butt-Kicking Wife Elizabeth lived (henceforth known as Will and Elizabeth because I am lazy).
'Will!' shouted Captain Jack, (though why he was shouting, I don't know, seeing as he was supposed to be sneaking). 'Will Turner, that's enough blacksmithing for you for a while.' 'Avast' said Will ' Is it time for more pirating?' 'Will,' said Jack, 'Real pirates don't say avast, savvy? We do, however, say savvy, savvy? We also don't "go pirating." We're really bad eggs, you know. We pillage and plunder and don't give a hoot'
"Drink up me hearties, yo ho."
Then Captain Jack Sparrow and Will both drank some beer. This is when the butt kicking girls came in.
'Yay!'
'Hey!' shouted BBHPA, 'Stop drinking beer! We have pirating to do!' 'Pirating?' said the two hot men.
'I love pirating. Awesome.'
'Yes, pirating,' said BBHPA, 'Pillaging and plundering and all that, savvy? Now let's get to it!' 'Not without me!' said Elizabeth 'Hey, me too!" said Elizabeth's Only Slightly Less Butt-Kicking Friend Steph (henceforth known as...EOFS because even the abbreviation for that is too long).
'Except that abbreviates to Elizabeth's Only Friend Steph.hm.something like that.ah well.' 'She's not very popular.' 'Well she is the governor's daughter, after all. Most of her shallow friends ditched her after she married a blacksmith.' 'Of course, being shallow and all.' 'Exactly.'
So Elizabeth, butt-kicking girl that she is, found new piratey friends, and, of course, she had Will. But, being piratey, Elizabeth and EOFS weren't very happy about being left behind. I mean, you can only carry the pirates' code so far. It's really more like guidelines. And besides, whoever heard of a pirates' code for butt-kicking girls being left behind for pirating? There's no rule for that. So BBHPA, Elizabeth and EOFS made a new rule: 'No leaving butt-kicking girls behind...'
'I like that rule.' 'Ah, but you haven't heard the clause yet.'
'No leaving butt-kicking girls behind, or they'll kick your butts and leave you for the sea turtles'
'Even better.'
Because sea turtles can be very vicious, you know.*chomp* So now, BBHPA, EOFS, Liz (Elizabeth is also too long), CJ (Captain Jack) and Will set off to their ships, but on the way there, they were accosted by Commandeer Norrington's sidekick.Whatshisface. 'Cathy?' 'No no, this is an evil sidekick.' 'Ah.' Commandeer Norrington is a nice little pansy who let the woman he loved go pirating.' 'True true.'
So, Whatshisface yelled, 'Jack Sparrow!' "CAPTAIN, Captain Jack Sparrow' said Captain Jack Sparrow. 'Avast,' said Will. "Will you stop saying Avast already?" said BBHPA. 'Yeah,' said EOFS, "I'm not even a pirate, and I know better than to say avast. Especially with a pansy British accent.'
'Definitely.'
'Although, if you say it with an American accent (even though those haven't been invented yet, seeing as this is the early 1700s), avast sounds even stupider," mused Liz. 'Avast,' tried EOFS 'Wow, pretty stupid,' said BBHPS 'Hey! I was trying to turn you in!" yelled Whatshisface. (Whatshisface yelled a lot, because he had an inferiority complex from being a minion of a pansy)
'Conflict. Awesome.'
'Arr.' said Will. Everyone looked at him...then glanced at each other. "Arr,' they all growled, except for EOFS, because she couldn't 'Arr' very well. She said 'Gr' instead. Just like that, too 'gr.' Not 'GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.' 'Gr.' Liz had had some time to practice on her 'Arrs.' She was getting pretty good at them Hers were still a little girly though. BBHPA, on the other hand, her 'Arrs' were just as good as Jack's. Jack thought to himself, 'Wow, that BBHPA is one.'
'...hm..............what's a pirate word for good?' 'Um.??? I don't know one.'
'Wow, that BBHPA is one savvy pirate.'
'I was TRYING to turn you all in, if you don't mind," yelled Whatshisface. 'One of you turn in all ... 5 of us?" asked EOFS. BBHPA and Jack drew their cutlasses, and pointed them at Whatshisface.
'Cutlasses?'
'Yes. Pirate swords.' 'Ah.' 'The shorter ones.'
So BBHPA and Captain Jack drew their cutlasses on Whatshisname .er. Whatshisname was Whatshisface's friend. Who magically appeared. Out of nowhere
'Cause this is a Disney movie.' 'So 'tis.' 'Haha! Now the odds are TWO to five,' yelled Whatshisface "..." said the piratey people.
'I think we'll have to continue this story, cause I'm tired and must be pushing off to bed savvy?' 'I agree, because I'm supposed to be studying. Savvy. Avast.' 'Ar.' 'Gr.' 'Arrrrr.' 'There you go. That was an arr worthy of Captain Jack Sparrow.' 'Yay.'
*Clap clap clap* *Whistle*
So there you go. The beginnings of an adventure, begun by Amber and I because we were very very VERY bored.