A/N: Hey! I'm so sorry about the long delay. It's been crazy busy here, and now I'm heading into finals. But at least there's this. For those of you following the election, this might be a short distraction? Either way, I hope you approve :)
…
CHAPTER 7
One step.
Play it cool.
Two steps.
I can do that.
Three steps.
Right?
But after four steps, and with Olivia following close behind, she's not so sure anymore.
Because in front of her, there's a case, something to keep her focused. Her captain and colleagues waiting in Cragen's office. There is that.
But, behind her… Behind her there's a kiss that almost happened. The smell of something that reminds her of the beach, but also Christmas. There's that hand on her hip, and the sound of two hearts ready to burst from beating too hard, too fast. Brown eyes, looking so uncertain and so determined at the same time. Lips, slightly parted-
Right. Playing it cool.
If she can just make it to the office.
It's easy. Just cross the floor of the squad room and enter. Such a mundane, everyday thing. It should be easy.
It's just that her head is very much left behind in that restroom. And she's not walking through the squad room right now. No, she's busy opening her mouth, allowing Olivia's tongue to-
Godfuckingdamnit.
Don't look at her.
As long as she doesn't look at her, she'll be fine, she figures. If she keeps a safe distance, keeps her eyes focused, and her mind sharp, then maybe she can pretend that she isn't so goddamn wet-
Enough.
She might be easily distracted in general. Might've been scolded constantly in school for zoning out or not paying attention. But Amanda Rollins is a dedicated detective after all, so when she finally does take that step into Cragen's office, she's relieved when all (most) thoughts of the woman behind her seem to dissolve for the time being. The feeling, that feeling, might still linger in her body, low in her stomach and deep in her chest. But at least the piercing glare from Cragen forces her to think straight. Literally.
And when Olivia positions herself next to her, accidentally (or intentionally?) brushing an arm up against hers, she only reacts a little, proud that the physical contact doesn't make her look. Surprised when she doesn't flinch.
Playing. It. Cool.
For the sake of the case.
…
"Unlike the rest of us-" Cragen starts when they're all gathered, looking from detective to detective before his stare comes to rest on the two women standing side by side in the back of the room. "This duo decided to go rogue last night."
Grinning over his shoulder, Fin eyes Olivia first, Amanda second. "You're in trouble, huh?"
But before Amanda can mouth a silent "shut up", the captain interrupts.
"I should probably suspend both of you right now." He says, his voice stern before he sinks down in his chair with a sigh, sounding more like a disappointed parent than anything else. "But they did catch a case. Probably a big one."
Ok, so maybe she wasn't supposed to look at her. But the tone in his voice, the acknowledgment that they were right. The fact that this might be bigger than they first realized. Yeah, it makes her look. Their eyes meeting briefly before they're both distracted by Nick's voice.
"So what's the case?" He asks.
"Christine Baker, 36, was rushed to the hospital Saturday night, covered in second and third degree burns after a fire in her apartment. She didn't make it."
"A fire?" Fin mumbles. "Why were we called?"
"I'm getting to that-" Cragen responds, holding a hand up before he goes on to tell the squad about Christine's final words, eventually nodding in the direction of Amanda and Olivia. "And that's when Cagney and Lacey here decided to investigate."
"And?" Munch says, eyeing the two women. "What did you find?"
Olivia shares a look with the captain then, waiting for that subtle and wordless approval before she finally opens her mouth to speak.
"She was a prison guard at Bayview. And she kept a diary that makes it sound like she was being paid to keep quiet about one of the other guards."
"One?" Nick questions. "You said she said they're raping them?"
"That part isn't clear yet." Olivia mumbles.
"First of all-" Cragen says, all eyes once again focused on him. "The fire department confirmed that the fire wasn't an accident."
"I could've told you that." Amanda scoffs, but she shuts her mouth quickly, first when she feels Olivia's elbow in her side, and when she notices the glare sent from her boss.
"Second, I talked to the ME, and even though she couldn't determine a rape, she found signs of either assault or rough sex prior to the vic's death."
Once again, Cragen's words seem to set off a reaction in both women, making them turn their heads and lock eyes again, as if they're trying to read each other's minds. Maybe because at this point, even though it has only been hours since they were first introduced to Christine Baker, there's something about this particular case that has them on edge. Neither of them knowing why.
"DNA?" Olivia asks, shifting her attention.
"No."
"Ok, so we know that she worked at Bayview-" Amanda starts, finally taking a few steps away from the brunette as she places herself in the center of the room, glancing around at her co-workers. "And that she needed the extra money that she got from keeping silent about the abuse that's happening there. We know she was most likely raped before being killed. This is our case, right?"
"This is our case." Cragen confirms, noticing the pleased expression on Amanda's face. "Question is how we're gonna work it."
A silence settles in the room then, wheels spinning and questions raised without being said out loud. And even though Amanda knows exactly how she wants them to work this, she needs someone else to say it, very much aware of the fact that she is on thin ice already.
"We need someone in that prison." Nick finally says, unknowingly following Amanda's lead. "I could go in." He adds, slumping down in the chair facing Cragen's desk.
"No-" Munch interrupts, shaking his head. "We need someone who can talk to the inmates. Find out what's going on. The other guards won't trust a newbie."
"I'll do it." She hears herself say, rushing the words out, immediately wondering if she spoke too soon, revealing that she's been holding onto this thought ever since they went through Christine's diary the night before.
"Amanda-" Olivia mumbles, and even though it's clearly supposed to be a protest, her voice is surprisingly soft, challenging Amanda to meet her eyes, making it that much harder to not think about what happened in the restrooms, and in her apartment.
But she can't think about that right now.
"I've done undercover work before." She responds, keeping both her voice and her face neutral as she addresses the brunette before turning to Cragen. "I can do it. I know how to stay out of trouble."
"You also know how to get into trouble." Fin says, earning himself a not so subtle eye roll in return.
"Ha-ha." She comments dryly. "I mean it. It's our best shot. Like Munch just said, we need more than a guard. And if we go in there as cops to investigate, these women aren't just gonna tell us what's going on. I mean, most of them have probably been screwed over by the system enough times to not trust anyone in law enforcement."
"She's not wrong about that." Munch shrugs, gesturing towards the blonde as they await the captain's response.
Now, if she wasn't trained to notice things, this moment might've been lost on her, but it takes Amanda less than a second to catch the silent conversation between Olivia and the man she's looking at. And even though there's no way for her to know what's being said in their wordless exchange, she's pretty sure that it has something to do with that "nothing" Olivia told her about the night before. Fueling her suspicion that "nothing", actually means "a whole lot".
"Ok." Cragen finally says, his voice thick with reluctance. "Rollins will go in as an inmate-" He gives her a quick nod, as if to formalize the assignment, before doing the same in Nick's direction. "But Amaro goes in too." He adds, quick to catch the disapproval in Amanda's eyes. "I don't want you alone in there."
After a sigh and with her arms folded, she finally agrees. "Fine."
With her focus now on Cragen and Nick, her designated knight in shining armor, she doesn't notice the way Olivia, still standing at the back of the room, shakes her head. And as she listens to their boss talk about a mandatory psych eva and other formalities, she doesn't see the barely visible glimmer of tears in brown eyes.
…
"Hope you look good in orange." Fin chuckles when they exit Cragen's office minutes later, patting her back before his hand comes to rest on Amanda's shoulder.
"What are you laughing at?" Amanda shoots back, brows raised. "You're the one who's gonna be walking and feeding my dog while I'm in there."
She sends him a teasing grin when his smile falters, but hers falters too when she's suddenly very aware of Olivia's close proximity and then, just as the brunette is about to pass her, four words whispered next to her ear.
"The roof. Five minutes."
…
When she climbs the stairs six minutes later, deferred by Fin asking how big Frannie is and if she bites, it's as if she's doing something illegal. Constantly looking over her shoulder to make sure that no one is behind her, like she's risking her job just by stepping away from the squad room for a "smoke" (as she had told Fin, the only one who knows about her secret vice).
So when she eventually pushes the heavy door open and inhales the fresh air, it feels like instant relief. But it lasts only for a moment because when she sees Olivia standing over by the ledge, that same air gets lodged in her throat, and in spite of just having climbed several floors, her lungs screaming for oxygen, she holds her breath as she moves towards the other woman.
"What's up?" She says when she reaches her, cringing when she hears the high pitched, almost quipping tone in her voice, feeling no better when Olivia turns, looking at her with one brow raised.
"What's up?" The brunette responds, keeping that brow raised as she folds her arms. "I think it's clear that we need to talk."
Amanda finally breathes then, slowly exhaling the breath she's been holding. Deciding that it's not fair to any of them to shy away from this. Realizing that Olivia is probably just as confused as she is.
"Let's talk." She says, giving the other woman a short nod before leaning against the ledge, looking down between them.
"Downstairs, in the restrooms-" Olivia starts, pausing, clearly unsure what she'll choose to say next. "What was that?"
The question makes her raise her head again, needing to see Olivia's eyes to be absolutely sure what she's asking.
"Well-" She mumbles, daring to take one step closer, relieved when Olivia doesn't back away from her. "I think I know, but I don't wanna assume-"
"Assume." Comes the immediate response.
I wanted to kiss you, She thinks. And I think you wanted to kiss me.
But Amanda doesn't say that, as much as she wants to. It just… It feels too risky. It feels too presumptuous, in spite of everything that has happened since Olivia called her yesterday morning. At the end of the day, she's still the new kid, and if they're about to cross that line, it just can't be her. Realizing now that she has too much to lose if she's wrong.
"Liv-" She says, her voice softening, placing her hands in the pockets of her jacket in lieu of reaching out to grab Olivia's. "I'm confused too."
It's neither here nor there, and she knows that. But even though they're on steady ground up here on the roof, it feels more like she's walking on a tightrope, where even the smallest mistake can make her plummet towards Manhattan's pavement. So she settles for this; Something that resembles a confession, with a hint of vulnerability.
It might not be much, but it seems to do the trick, making Olivia move towards her, her expression gradually changing from decisive to something else. Something mild, almost sad.
"I can't get involved with someone I work with." She says, voice lowered. "Not someone in the squad."
How Amanda manages to keep a straight face, she's not sure. Because yes, that was a rejection. But wasn't that a confession too? Wasn't that Olivia just admitting to feeling… Something?
Play. It. Cool. Remember?
She nods, clears her throat, forcing a calm demeanor in spite of the storm that's now causing havoc on her insides. "So maybe it's a good thing I'm going UC in a few days." She shrugs. "It'll give us some space."
"Wait-" Olivia responds, eyes wide as she leans back slightly. "That's not why you offered to do it?"
"No-" Amanda says quickly, shaking her head, not entirely sure if she's being honest. "No, like I said, it's our best shot to find out what's going on."
The brunette seems to study her then, as if Amanda is suddenly a perp in their interrogation room, as if she's trying to find answers where there aren't any, at least not on the surface. But instead of probing and pushing, a defeated sigh escapes, just as she moves again, leaving almost no room between them.
"That doesn't mean I have to like it." She mumbles, hesitating for a moment before she reaches out to grab Amanda's wrist, pulling her hand from the confines of the pocket, wrapping her fingers around it.
"Maybe you should stop caring so much?" Amanda mumbles back, looking down at their hands, wondering how and why such a simple touch can set off such a strong reaction in her body. It's nothing more than a small gesture, and still, she feels it everywhere.
And honestly, she really should've seen it coming. The signs were all there; Just like in her kitchen, and in the restroom this morning. That look. Those eyes. This touch. Yeah, she should've seen it coming.
But she doesn't. So her breath gets caught in her throat again when Olivia leans in, closing the gap between them, pressing their bodies together as she traps Amanda between herself and the ledge. And as much as she tries to fight it, the physical contact still pulls a moan from her lips, heart pounding against her ribs now that there's absolutely no doubt anymore; This… thing, whatever is going on between them? It hasn't been all in her head. And now? Is she supposed to step on the brakes? Didn't Olivia just say that they can't do this?
Still, in spite of the confusion, she parts her lips in anticipation, forcing her arms and hands to work again as she moves them to the other woman's hips, resting them there first, before she tightens the grip, dragging a trembling breath from the brunette.
Maybe you should stop caring so much?
Her words seem to linger between them now, as she waits for Olivia to do something, anything, to make another move, or open her mouth to speak. Again, it can't be her. Olivia needs to be in charge here.
"Believe me-" The brunette finally mumbles, nearly whispers, resting her forehead against Amanda's. "I'm trying."
"Try harder." She hears herself say, surprised by her quick response, even more surprised when Olivia shifts, moving one leg between hers, ghosting her lips, forcing another involuntary moan from the back of her throat.
It might be seconds, or minutes, she can't be sure, but they stand like that, unmoving. Neither of them daring to erase that final inch between their lips, breaths shallow as they share the same air.
And then, with a whispered "fuck", accompanied by something that sounds like a groan, Olivia pulls away, giving her one final look, a small shake of the head, before she finally turns.
And leaves.