A/N: Thank you everyone for the support!
Chapter Twenty
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As the days got longer, the sun shone brighter and the human race more or less grew accustomed to living indoors, and to a tight curfew. Naturally, there were those who tried to push back, 'rage against the machine' and all that shit. Those were the people that got arrested and fined by the patrolling policemen. Facebook was plastered with articles about people trying to refuse paying their £5,000 fines, simply because they wanted a BBQ.
For Remus, the world continued on without him.
It had been two weeks since his last outing.
It had been two weeks since he had last spoken to Sirius.
A part of him felt physically exhausted at keeping up the pretence, to ignore the ache in his fingers and stopping himself from reaching for his phone. That was the problem when you let someone completely into your life, and grew to depend upon them; the moment things went awry, someone was left high and dry. More often than not, that person was Remus.
He'd even taken a step back from talking to Lily, only really speaking when it was in the group chat or during their online lectures. He felt sort of uncomfortable; now that he knew her James was Sirius' James, it made his skin itch with the knowledge that his name could crop up in a conversation between the two of them. And why wouldn't it? James was bound to ask on behalf of Sirius, and Lily would give crumbs for them both to nibble on, without revealing just how closed-off Remus was actually being.
Either way, he'd rather be left in the dark about everything.
He was still trying to process all the information. Realistically, he knew he was over-reacting. Sirius hadn't done anything wrong; sure, he'd omitted how he'd first met Remus, but they hadn't properly gotten to know one another until lockdown had officially begun. So why did he feel as though he'd been cheated, somehow? He'd locked his phone away in his bedside drawer, to keep the temptation at bay. He was bingeing through his 'to-read' list of books and had refused to look at his dissertation for the better part of a week. Maybe it was just the fact that he had allowed himself to be exposed to Sirius, to let the man see him at his weakest moments, to let him know some of his deeper parts of himself. Now it all felt as if it'd been for nought.
Sirius hadn't allowed him the same courtesy. Maybe that was the problem?
Either way, it had been a long two weeks and he could feel his body fusing with his mattress.
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It hit him, late one afternoon as he was sipping some Fanta and mindlessly scrolling through online articles, glossing over the ones talking about the current pandemic and how nature was thriving and humans were going stir-crazy, yadda-yadda! It hit him that he didn't really have any adults in his life to talk this sort of thing out with. He'd always had a strained relationship with his dad, even before the Greyback incident, but he remembered some fond memories with his Mam. Most of them had happened before he'd hit puberty.
After the Greyback attack, a barrier had been erected between him and his parents. They suddenly to feel as though all the ill will that befell him, were purely of his own doing.
It cut him up inside.
It would be nice to phone his Mam up and ask for her advice about boy trouble. Would she even care, or would she wrinkle her nose and make some blasé comments that he could have googled?
He supposed there was no real way to know, and he wasn't about to find out.
There were always the girls, he knew that, but he didn't want to burden them with daft nonsense. Besides, he knew exactly what they would say; Lily would be sympathetic and try to see things from both sides, although she now had the added presence of James in her life, to lean more towards Sirius. Dorcas, on the other hand, would fiercely defend Remus, to what end he wasn't sure.
Grunting, he scrubbed his hands down his face.
"I can't just wallow about in here," he seethed to himself.
Swinging his legs over the edge of the bed, he grimaced at how grubby he felt. A quick sniff under his armpit told him that he needed a shower yesterday. Peeling off his thin tee and jogging bottoms, he dumped them in the corner of the bathroom and turned the shower on. It didn't take long for him to scrub himself clean. Stepping out into the steamy room, he towelled himself off and brushed his teeth. Within half an hour, he was mostly dried off, dressed in clean, worn jeans and a graphic t-shirt. He debated on grabbing a jumper, as was the norm, however a cursory glance out of the window determined how hot and sunny it was. Remus grabbed his messenger bag last minute, snapped on a pair of gloves and slung a mask around his ears. As he walked out of the door, he shot off a text to Lily and Dorcas.
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~Spoilers BookClub Ltd. ~
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Sir Lupin (13:28):
Anyone fancy a little reading session in the park?
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Dorcas (13:30):
I'm game! Meet you in an hour?
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Sir Lupin (13:34):
Sounds good!
I'm getting on the first bus now.
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Lily (14:05):
Sorry, just saw this! I'll be there in twenty! X
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Basking in the bright sunlight, surrounded by vibrant grass, flowers and the blue sky overhead. Remus leaned back on his arms and closed his eyes, it was almost like he could feel his freckles popping out across his skin. They'd been reading and discussing their notes from the last lecture for the better part of an hour. Lily cast him a few questioning glances, but he ignored them. He didn't really want to talk about Sirius or James. Thankfully, she seemed to have gotten the message and kept the conversations light and off any aggravating topics.
"So, I was thinking about going on a socially distanced … Well, I hesitate to call it a date, but yeah."
"That girl with the Docs?" Lily piped up.
Dorcas nodded with a grin as she poked at her milkshake. "She's witty and a little blunt, but we can chat about a huge range of stuff and I like it. She isn't boring, at the very least."
"Have you gotten her number?"
"Yeah, just last night."
"Have you two been flirting?"
Dorcas snorted, "I haven't been sending her naughty pictures, if that's what you're asking!"
"Me? I would never!" Lily laughed, falling sideways onto the grass, before sprawling out on her back. She let out a sigh, her fingers lazy gliding through the blades.
Remus dropped his head back down and looked over at her, "Something on your mind, Lils?"
"Just nice to be outside," she sighed dreamily.
Remus felt his insides twist. That soft smile could only mean one thing; she was thinking about James. And just like that, his stomach dropped. Taking up his pen and notebook, he turned to the last page and started scribbling things that he tended not to say out loud. There were a few of the end pages covered in chicken scratches of visceral, hateful words that he never intended to speak aloud. He just needed to vent, to get it out of his brain. Like that therapeutic letter thing, where you write a letter being raw and honest with your feelings, but never actually send it to the intended recipient.
The notes he was writing now were less angry and more 'emotional rambling'.
The one question that kept circling his brain was, 'If given the chance, would I forgive him?'
Even Lily was able to tell that he had withdrawn into himself somewhat, since the incident with Sirius. Was it obvious that he was lonely? That he missed having his phone vibrate so much with incoming messages, that he had to charge his battery every single night? That he hated that Sirius was actually leaving him alone, when everything about his personality suggested he would make a nuisance of himself to get Remus to stop and listen? Was he being petty in all of this? Icing Sirius out simply because he felt hurt? He could just call and ask him to explain. It really was as simple as that.
Rubbing a hand down his face, Remus dropped his phone in between his crossed legs and focused back on his notebook. The sun was warm on the back of his neck and for once he didn't care about the risk of a little sunburn.
"How're you doing, Rem?" Lily asked, frowning.
His head snapped up, "Eh?"
"How's things since …?" she dipped her head in question.
'All the Sirius stuff,' went unsaid.
He shrugged, "The days blend together a lot more now."
"You could message him … I'm sure he misses you too."
"I don't miss him!" he snapped. "Why would I miss a man who lied to me?"
"He kept his name from you, but nothing else he told you was a lie."
"That I know of."
"Remus -"
"I might agree a little with Remus," Dorcas hedged, picking anxiously at the grass by her knee. "Well, it's true. We've all seen Catfish and stuff like that. It's easy to exaggerate yourself online, tell little half-truths, embellish a little or a lot."
"Yes, but you're forgetting that Remus has actually seen Sirius!" Lily argued, pushing upright.
"So what? So, he didn't lie about how he looked?" Dorcas shrugged. "That doesn't mean everything else was the truth, either."
"I thought you liked this guy?"
"I did! I just don't know what to make of it all!"
"Jesus, can you two just shut up!" Remus snarled, slamming his notebook shut. "This bullshit is hard enough to sort out and deal with without you two turning it into some gossip-girl melodrama!"
Lily and Dorcas stared at him with wide, guilty eyes. He felt instantly horrible for yelling at them, noting a few onlookers turning to stare from across the park, for he knew that they were only trying to help. It didn't look feel like it was helping though. It just made him more lost, like the blind leading the blind.
Inhaling, sharply, he threw his belongings into his bag, snatched up his phone and jumped to his feet. "I'll see you guys later."
As he marched back across the park and snapped his mask and gloves on, Remus deftly ignored the girls' calling out his name and begging for him to wait. He didn't turn back around as he reached the main road. He continued on, weaving in and out of the side roads until he reached the cramped, cool sanctuary of his crummy little flat.
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~0~
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Thursday PM
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[S.O.B. has LOGGED ON]
[R.A.B. has LOGGED ON]
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R.A.B. (17:35):
I haven't heard from you in a while. Are we still going ahead with the flat-hunt or not?
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S.O.B. (17:37):
Yeah, sure, I'm still keeping an eye out.
Why? You want out?
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R.A.B. (17:38):
Hilarious.
Like I said, I hadn't heard from you in a couple of days, and I just wanted to check-in.
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S.O.B. (17:39):
Other than getting you a half-decent roommate, I'd say we just need to get the money together and we're good to go.
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R.A.B. (17:41):
Brilliant.
How's your boyfriend?
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S.O.B. (17:42):
… Hilarious.
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R.A.B. (17:43):
Okay, now I know that something is wrong.
What's crawled up your arse and died? Lovers spat?
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S.O.B. (17:44):
We had a pretty big argument … about my name.
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R.A.B. (17:45):
Well, it is a pretty horrendous name. We were both cursed.
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S.O.B. (17:46):
No, I mean he wasn't aware of my name or that we knew one another from the café.
When it came to light, he … didn't take it well.
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R.A.B. (17:47):
I see.
Did you apologise?
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S.O.B. (17:48):
Yes.
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R.A.B. (17:49):
A real apology or a 'you' apology?
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S.O.B. (17:50):
What's that supposed to mean?
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R.A.B. (17:51):
It's a valid question. Was it a genuine apology, or was it sarcastic and 95% swearing?
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S.O.B. (17:52):
It was a heated argument. Whether I swore or not is irrelevant.
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R.A.B. (17:53):
Yet, it undoubtedly undermined how genuinely apologetic you felt.
Has he forgiven you?
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S.O.B. (17:54):
… We haven't spoken for over a week.
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R.A.B. (17:55):
And clearly this approach is not working for you.
I suggest you adopt a new strategy.
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S.O.B. (17:56):
And why should I take advice from you of all people?
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R.A.B. (17:57):
I'm willing to talk to a brick wall. You don't have to listen to me or take the advice but I'm going to leave it here anyway. Do with it what you will.
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R.A.B. (18:02):
You've done the right thing, as far as giving him breathing space is concerned. I'd wager his temper has cooled somewhat, and now he just feels confused by his emotions.
It would be best not to overwhelm him even further, so -as much as it will pain you -you need to be subtle in your approach.
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R.A.B. (18:03):
You need to send him a small token, something to show that you do know him and value him. That you were listening and appreciating every part of him as he opened up to you.
Do NOT bombard him for attention. He's like a wild animal; any sudden movements and you WILL spook him.
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S.O.B. (18:05):
… Wow
How are you suddenly so good at giving advice? How are you not studying psychology with a mind like that?
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S.O.B. (18:06):
Also, how did you manage to give sage advice AND insult me at the same time?
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R.A.B. (18:07):
It's all part of my natural charm, brother dear.
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S.O.B. (18:10):
Thanks Reg …
I know we're emotionally constipated at the best of times but … thank you.
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R.A.B. (18:11):
You're welcome.
And if you want to start making some appointments to view those flats … I'd be glad of the help.
I don't think I can handle having Barty breathing down my neck anymore. I need OUT.
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S.O.B. (18:13):
I'll get you out. I promise.
I'll send some e-mails right now and hopefully some people get back to me by tomorrow.
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R.A.B. (18:15):
If you need anymore help … I'm right here, where I always am.
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S.O.B. (18:16):
And I'm right here … where I always am.
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~0~
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Sirius was alone at the flat a few days later -James having gone to the homeless shelter to help on the next rotation of volunteers -when the doorbell rang. He opened the door and waved at the postman who was standing down the other end of the driveway, his phone out to take a picture of the parcel being received. He raised his hand in a wave before turning and heading down the road, his red messenger bag bumping along with each step.
Scooping up the package, Sirius kicked the door shut and hurried up to his flat. Grabbing a few wet wipes, he cleaned his hands before grabbing another one and scrubbing down the outside of the cardboard box. Ripping it open, he tipped out the two books onto the kitchen counter, before cleaning everything with some wet wipes again.
Inhaling deeply, he ran his fingers over the front covers. They were worn paperbacks, second-hand off of Vinted, but still in decent condition. The pages were clean and blank, though, so that was something in his favour. Taking both books along to his room, he set out the first paperback on his desk next to a notebook. As much as he wanted this idea to go flawlessly, he was also conscious that there was only so much space in the margins to allow for his ramblings. Not that he wanted to censor himself, but … maybe make his writings more concise.
It was a silly little idea, but he had taken Regulus' words to heart; Remus didn't need a big, romantic gesture as an apology. He needed his apology to mean something to Remus, to gently remind him that Sirius was paying attention to every little detail of him, that he was seen, not just as an object of desire, but as the wonderful, beautiful person that he was.
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At least two hours later, an alarm blared from Sirius' phone, jerking him out of his writing and note-writing. Glancing at the screen, he felt the tension knotted in his shoulders loosen as the reminder flashed across the screen:
'PREP PILL 3PM!'
Turning it off, he stood up and cracked his bones before ambling to his bedside drawer. He took out the pill bottle, popped one out and swallowed it down with a gulp of tepid water. Rubbing his hand down his face, he glanced back at the desk. Suddenly he felt too tired to stay hunched over the books. The notebook was already filled with his cursive, a few lines here and there crossed out, but overall it was meticulous.
Suddenly the rest of the day seemed to stretch on forever in front of him. It was suffocating in its endlessness.
Arthur came ambling in, clearly seeking attention. He was making his way to his dog bed, before catching sight of Sirius and hurrying over and jumping up to his hindlegs and yipping for attention. Sirius tried to smile, but his facial muscles just weren't working. He bent down and lifted Arthur up into his arms and accepting a flurry of face licks before dragging himself to the bed. Maybe a quick nap with Arthur would rejuvenate him? Collapsing onto the bed with a sigh, Sirius chuckled weakly as he curled up on his side and started to gently run his fingers through Arthur's sleek black fur. His smile turned down as he remembered the first and last time Remus had met little Arthur -the day that had ruined everything.
Of course, it wasn't Arthur's fault, he was just a baby! He didn't know that his daddy's were fighting.
"I'll make it up to him, Artie," he sighed. "I just hope he doesn't stay mad at me forever."
Arthur squirmed onto his front and snuffled at Sirius' nose and mouth as if to say, 'Moony will forgive you, daddy, you weren't mean on purpose'.
"It's not even that I was mean, pup," he sighed and closed his eyes. "It's that I should have been completely transparent from the beginning. It's not like I lied about myself … but I can see where it would cast doubt."
The quiet felt soothing to his aching brain. A nap definitely sounded like heaven and stroking Arthur's fur was calming the frenzied nerves thrumming away at the base of his skull.
"Do you think Moony will like the gift?" he whispered.
Arthur yawned and rested his head on his front paws.
Sirius smiled wistfully, "Yeah, I think he'll like it too."
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~0~
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The following week, Remus received an express delivery at his front door.
A/N: I know it's shorter than normal, but ... I hope you like this regardless x