Chapter 5: Hostages of a Mirage

A battle was raging in space. Ships were blowing up everywhere and it was hard for anybody to tell who was winning. Grievous paced the bridge of a command ship, yelling orders until he coughed. Nan was not there to tell him that he needed to get his air filters changed, though she had wanted to go to the battle. Suddenly, an alert sounded. The enemy had boarded the ship! The General went down to intercept them. It was Skywalker and his Padawan. Ahsoka ran off to the engine room to blow up the ship. Grievous sent droids after her and took on Skywalker.

"How many seconds will it take for you to turn tail and run this time?" Asked Anakin.

Before Grievous could come up with a witty retort, Anakin took a step back with a surprised look on his face and stared at him.

"There's something stuck to your back," he said.

"Is it another 'Kick Me' sign?"[1]

"No…it's a bunch of junk. It's weirding me out."

Grievous did not have 360 degree rotation of his neck but he could turn it enough to see that his back was covered with junk that had been soldered on. There were doorknobs, beer bottle caps, keys, rusty nails, pieces of pipe, and a little toy train that appearing to be driving over his shoulder.

"Oh great, my friend must have soldered this on while I was napping," he said.

Anakin didn't know what to say. He wasn't sure what to comment on first—the junk or the fact that the General claimed to have a friend. He resorted to the tried and true tactic of insults.

"That must have taken hours. No wonder you're such a lousy military leader if you take such long naps."

"Sure, whatever. Hey, I can't see all of it, do you have a mirror?"

"Why would I have a mirror in a battle? Actually, you have one soldered to your lower back. It looks like a lady's compact mirror. There's also a faucet on the back of your head."

"As if my brains are leaking out. Clever of her."

Anakin eased his weight from foot to foot, not really sure what was going on here.

"Are we going to get back to fighting, or what?" He asked.

"I suspect your Padawan has already set the charges on the reactor core. I'll just do my usual thing and get the hell out of here and find an acetylene torch to get this crap off."

Anakin almost said, "Good luck with that," but checked himself just in time. He was not going to be polite to that vile murderer. He turned on his lightsaber, ready to make up for time lost on weirdness, but an explosion rocked the ship and they ran their separate ways.

The battle was something of a draw. Count Dooku called them back to regroup. They decided not to attack anymore for a bit, which was fine by the General and Nan because they could spend that time messing around, playing chess, or droid bowling (using battle droids as the bowling pins and destroyer droids as the ball). However, Dooku wanted Grievous to test drive a new battleship by taking it on a tour of various space outposts. It would be several months of boring work. Nan didn't relish the prospect of being alone all that time and asked Dooku if she could go too.

"Why in the universe do you want to go?" He asked.

"I'm writing an article on military science. I can do my research there as well," she said.

The battleship was called the Mirage and it was a top-of-the-line, kickass ship. With Nan onboard, the trip was nowhere near boring. Every now and then they did some work, such as testing the ship's cannons on floating debris or checking its maneuverability in hyperspace, but mostly they had a good time. Nan was a decent fighter by then and occasionally beat Grievous in mock duels. Whenever that happened she got very excited. One time they battled in a storeroom and she cut down some chains and managed to unarm Grievous and wrap him up.

"Now, you are at my mercy," she said.

"What are you going to do to me?" He asked.

"I'll pour chloroform in your eyes and submerge you in aqua regia!"

"Oh no, that would be such a painful death!"

Other times they read articles and speculated about whether the research was going anywhere, or just made fun of the writer's mistakes. They didn't expect an attack of any sort because they kept well out of the way of Republic space, so they were rather surprised when an attack came. In fact, they had both been sleeping and were completely unprepared. They left their rooms when the alert sounded, Nan still yawning, and found each other in the command center. A tactical droid informed them that several ships had come out of hyperspace and the largest had locked onto them with a tractor beam.

"Are they Republic or Separatist?" Asked Grievous.

"Neither. We cannot identify them as of yet," said the droid.

"Fire at them!"

"We are doing so, but we will soon be very close and explosions on the enemy ship will redound on us."

"How did they get so close to us? They must have known we would be here."

"This is so exciting!" Said Nan.

The Mirage stopped firing when the tractor beam pulled them in close to the enemy ship. The tactical droid noticed a crest painted on its hull and looked it up.

"The enemy ship is Zygerrian, sir," it said.

"What? Why are those slave traders attacking us?" Asked Grievous.

"I do not know," said the droid.

"Hail them! Maybe this is some stupid mistake."

They opened communications with the Zygerrian vessel and a person appeared on the hologram. He introduced himself as Governor Systo.

"Do you know who we are?" Asked the General.

"All too well. You are the wretched murderers who killed my queen. I am out for revenge on her behalf and I will start by capturing you!"

The hologram vanished. The tactical droid looked up news from Zygerria and said that after Dooku murdered the queen for insubordination, a radical faction had taken control of Zygerria that had sworn to destroy the Separatists. Dooku had not taken them seriously because they seemed to have no resources. Apparently they had just been lying low, waiting for a chance to attack and steal a weakly defended ship like the Mirage.

"They've breached the hull," said the tactical droid. "Based on their numbers, I calculate a 75% probability of defeat and capture. My recommendation would be to get to an escape pod."

"Before the battle's even begun?" Said Nan.

"You heard the droid!" said Grievous. "75% is not good enough for me. Let's get going before the going gets tough."

He urged Nan to jump on his shoulder and ran out. He gathered some droids to cover them and made for the escape pods. The sounds of fighting broke out. Grievous ran past the cafeteria, where an unfinished game of chess from the previous day was spread out on a table. Suddenly he slid to a halt, practically throwing Nan off by inertia. She yowled and clawed her way back up to his shoulder.

"What is it?" She asked. "Is the way blocked?"

Grievous stood there, not replying, not even hearing her. Something came over him. It was an unaccustomed feeling of recklessness and pride. He thought of all those ships he'd lost, all those battles he'd abandoned, and all the miserable losses he'd suffered, both to the army and his self-esteem. But that's it! No more! It was time to show these jackasses what he was made of!

"We're going back. We're going to take them on, no matter how slim the chances!" He said.

"That's the spirit!" Said Nan. "Full steam ahead and devil take the hindmost!"

She jumped down and they ran back to the battle, but a thick fog detained them. It was a foul smoke bomb, not a fire, that was meant to confuse the droids. Nan put a handkerchief over her nose and mouth and crept forward.

"The smoke is clearer over there," she said. "Let's use it against them and do a surprise attack!"

But the General had not followed her. He was bent over, coughing. Nan went back and looked at him smugly. She crossed her arms over her chest.

"Oh, I'm fine, it's nothing, you said…how many times? But I begged and pleaded that you get those bloody air filters looked at because the next time you encountered a smoggy environment might be your last. Ah, what is it with men and not getting their car's air filters checked?"

"I'm not a car!" Grievous managed, then wheezed some more.

"You're not that different from a car! You can't go on like this. The damage is too severe."

The General wanted to protest, but he started to feel light-headed. Nan recognized the danger and shoved him toward a storeroom before he collapsed in the middle of the hallway. He crashed into a vacuum cleaner. Nan pulled out a screwdriver with a magnetic setting that could deal with screws of many sizes. Grievous saw that she was coming toward him with that and tried to get up, but he started to black out.

"See, as I'm sure you know, you don't have real lungs anymore," said Nan. "The air filters keep you from being poisoned by particulate matter and are meant to be changed every few years. Yours are covered in so much crap the pump can't even get oxygen through to your brain. I don't have extra air filters here so I'll have to clean the ones that are there. Yes, I am going to have to open your chest cavity."

She went over to his head and looked him in the eye.

"But don't worry, I'm perfectly capable. Shame that your first attempt at bravery should be thwarted by carelessness. Anyway, if you die, at least I'll have the consolation that the last words you hear from me will be I told you so."

Grievous lost consciousness without being able to come up with a repartee. Nan hummed gently and opened up a section of his breastplate with her screwdriver. She betrayed not a hint of worry, though worried she was. "I hope he doesn't get permanent brain damage from the semi-anaerobic conditions," she thought. She took the air filters out and thought, "But then again, who would be able to tell the difference if he got brain damage?" She looked around the storeroom for something to clean the filters, but nothing matched the required roughness.[2] Nan licked her lips and wondered if that would do. Ah well, there was no time to wonder…

The General woke up ten minutes later, obviously not at full capacity but not dying anymore. He decided now was the time to escape after all. Nan tilted her head to the side questioningly.

"I feel well enough," he said. "Thank you. I suppose that evens the score for that time I saved you. What's with you? I thought you'd want to gloat a bit more."

Nan pointed at his chest and opened her mouth to show a very raw-looking tongue.

"What?" He yelled. "Am I to understand that there are bits of your tongue inside me?"

Nan gave him a look that clearly meant, "My tongue saved your life, dumbass."

"Fine, let's just get out of here. I hope I don't get poisoned by your tongue viruses."

That was easier said than done. Pretty much the moment they left the storeroom, some Zygerrian warriors attacked them. Nan tried to protect the General, who was kind of shaky on his legs, but she was outnumbered and soon disarmed. The Zygerrians put an electric shock collar on her and chained up Grievous. They were dragged to the command center, where Governor Systo had taken over.

"Not so tough after all," said Systo.

"Just you wait," said Grievous. "You're a pack of outlaws and nobodies. Dooku will muster up the full force of the Separatist army and destroy you all."

"Perhaps, but I doubt he will have the time. A large battle has just broken out with the Republic and he needs you there. He has no idea that I control this ship so I will be able to get close to him and kill him. As for you, the Republic will pay a large sum to have you in jail."

Grievous struggled to get out of his chains but Systo pulled out an electrified whip and hit him with it. The shock nearly knocked Grievous out again and he lay there senseless for a bit. Nan was horrified to see her friend abused and also started to fight, but a Zygerrian activated her shock collar and she jumped several feet in the air, then lay still too. The Zygerrian tied her to the wall by the collar and conversed with Systo, keeping an eye on her occasionally.

Grievous lay there feeling like shit until Nan poked him. Her limbs were not tied up. He sat up and whispered that they were in deep trouble. Did she have a plan? Nan nodded and tilted her head toward a large computer in the center of the room. Of course, it was the Mirage's emergency backup system. They had been experimenting with it earlier in the week. Basically, the Mirage was itself a giant droid, though inactivated most of the time. There were guns all over the place hidden behind panels. In the event of a ship takeover, this backup system could be activated and the ship was programmed to destroy all non-registered personnel. Governor Systo and his men had no idea that there were blasters only a few feet from their heads.

There was only one problem. Grievous had been called away while Nan fiddled with the system, and she had set the voice commands. He had forgotten to ask what she set them to and now, because of her damaged tongue, she could not tell him. He whispered that she should try to mime the passcode. She looked at the Zygerrians, but they seemed occupied with some battle charts. She mimed the first word by putting one hand on top of another. Then she picked up a piece of crumpled paper and pushed it across the floor. Grievous stared while she repeated this, but then it clicked and he guessed the word was "override." Then she held up her fingers to represent different numbers. Grievous started to repeat the numbers, but she shook her head and he realized the second word, based on the first, had to be "sequence."

"So what is the override sequence? Words? How many? Three? Show me."

Nan started to mime something inappropriate and the General cut her off. She used the expression often enough that he guessed what it was. She indicated that there were some numbers too and showed them to him on her fingers. Grievous sighed, but it had to be said.

"Override Sequence Suck My Balls 24/7."[3]

The Zygerrians looked at him with surprise, wondering why he was being crass all of a sudden, but they didn't have long to wonder. The ship pulled out its guns and shot them dead before they knew what was happening. Nan jumped onto the controls and organized a jump to hyperspace to take them away from the Zygerrian fighters. Then she rounded up some leftover droids to cut Grievous free. He took off her collar. He called Dooku and reported the status of affairs. He did not tell the full story of the air filters, only that he was too damaged to help with the battle against the Republic. Dooku ordered them to lay low and said he would send out some fighters to take care of the remaining Zygerrians. Leaderless, they should be easy targets. Dooku was not angry at Grievous. Actually, he was pretty damn impressed that the General had not lost the Mirage like he'd lost so many other ships.

Nan and Grievous spent some time in the medical bay. Nan got her tongue treated and Grievous got new air filters. They felt that a celebration was in order. Nan found a bottle of whiskey and started to get drunk while the General watched.

"If only you could drink too," said Nan. "Then we'd have a good time."

"Doing what?"

"How should I know? Everything is fun when you're wasted."

She had an idea and ran off to the medical ward, where she found some absolute ethanol. Before Grievous knew what happened, she had injected him with it.

Fourteen hours later, Nan woke up in a barn. A cow lowed softly and some chickens clucked nearby. Nan could only think of her huge hangover at first. Once she established that her head felt like hell, she looked around and wondered where the fuck she was. Some hay trembled and Grievous crawled out from where he lay buried. He also had a huge hangover. They stared at each other dumbly for a few minutes.

"I guess we went for a roll in the hay," said Nan. This statement did not mean something else in the Star Wars universe.

"Where the fuck are we?" Asked Grievous.

A farmer came into the barn and laughed at them.

"Had enough fun, my lovelies?" He asked.

Grievous was in no mood for this and reached for his lightsaber. The farmer was not at all frightened and suddenly banged on a sheet of metal. Nan and Grievous cringed. The sound was like lightning in their brains!

"Come on into the house for some breakfast," said the farmer.

They followed him. The bright sunlight hurt. The blue sky hurt. Thinking hurt. The farmer led them into the kitchen and served Nan some coffee and fried eggs. He looked dubiously at Grievous.

"Would the good sir like anything?"

"Could you shoot me in the face?"

After some silence, Nan asked the farmer how they got there and he told them all he knew. They had crashed a shuttle in the dump not far from here and, miraculously unharmed, arrived at his farm. He let them have shelter in the barn. They were obviously fantastically drunk and the farmer figured they'd nearly worn themselves out. They were on a neutral planet that didn't have much in the way of resources or people and had not attracted anyone's attention, except theirs for some reason.

"We arrived on a shuttle? Not a large battleship?" Asked Grievous.

"I haven't seen a battleship," said the farmer.

"Fuck, we must have crashed it somewhere else. Dooku will kill me. Come on, Nan, we have to go find what remains of it."

"Don't you want your merchandise?" Asked the farmer.

Grievous and Nan looked at him quizzically.

"You bought something from me last night when you were completely trashed. But methinks you won't be wanting it anymore."

They followed the farmer outside and he pointed at a large wagon full of manure.

"That's what you asked for last night."

Nan opened her mouth but didn't say anything. Grievous snorted and set off in the direction the farmer indicated. Nan followed after paying for breakfast. They followed the road until they came to the dump, where the remains of their shuttle were still smoldering. It was completely busted and too crushed for Grievous to get in and check its navi-computer. How had he gotten out, then? Ah, the mysteries of drunkenness! Nan crawled in and got the coordinates they came from. She came out and looked around the dump.

"Look at some of the great stuff people throw out," she said. "There is a perfectly good rake over here. No wait, that's your foot."

"Ha, ha. Now where's the ship?"

"It's kind of far away. Shall we walk?"

"I feel like punishing myself further. Yes, let's walk."

So they walked along the dirt road for several miles until Nan said they should see the ship somewhere close by. Grievous did not want to look and closed his eyes.

"I see it!" Said Nan. "It's actually fine. Just look at that!"

The Mirage was intact. Somehow, it was parked upside down on the tip of a mountain. After Nan contacted the ship and had some droids pilot down another shuttle, they went to the command center to try and figure out what happened last night. It turned out to be Grievous who parked the ship upside down on the tip of a mountain. He doubted he could have done it sober, not in a million years. He barely managed to get it off without incident. After he righted the ship and they were back in space, they scrolled through security footage to see what they did while drunk.

They had spent a lot of time dancing on the wing of a shuttle. Neither of them could dance sober and they were not a well-matched pair but they made a rather elegant team on the footage. They had danced until Nan said something to the General and he slipped and fell off the wing. After that they went to the command center and piloted the ship to that farmland planet.

"That was…what is the word…?" said Nan.

"Stupid?" Suggested Grievous.

"Far from it. I can't think of it. Anyway, we seemed happy."

"Perhaps brainlessness is all one needs for happiness. I wonder what you said to me that made me fall off that wing?"

"I don't remember anything. Ah well. I kind of wish I did."

"Of course. If I could remember how to fly a ship like that!"

"You're forgetting that you crashed the shuttle."

"1 for 2."

The next day they met up at breakfast. Grievous said he'd had an interesting dream about their experiences of the previous day.

"Anything in particular?" Asked Nan.

"Yes, I think I remember what you said to me on the wing. It was: 'Hey, let's go build a giant model of Jabba the Hutt out of shit and then frame him for something!'"

"That explains a lot."

Footnotes

[1] Nan stuck a 'Kick Me' sign on the General right before he addressed some ranks of droids. At least forty did as the note asked even though, from the cursing and destroying, they could have deduced that he did not want that.

[2] She also noticed that the air filters were covered in a significant layer of orange-brown fur. She resolved never to tell that to Grievous and to use a brush more often.

[3] Most recently, Nan had used this expression when she ordered a pizza. The delivery guy was 30 minutes late and the pizza was too soggy. The delivery guy looked skeptically at the amount of money Nan gave him and she snapped, "You're expecting a tip for service like this? You can go suck my furry little balls for a tip!"