Ultimately, their exit ended up being less abrupt than all that. Beckett had taken the time to thank both of her friends for their aid. Tessa hugged her and she had somewhat stiffly returned the gesture. When the blonde corralled her partner and smooshed her gravity-defying tits into his chest, Kate had gritted her teeth and endured. Amidst stereo admonishments from both women to arrange a doctor appointment at the earliest convenience tomorrow, the pair exited into the hallway.
It was a much quieter trip back down to Thompson Street.
After they got in her unit, the detective stared out the windshield for a few moments. "We've been lunged at by a corpse, my ex girlfriend had her boobs in your face, and my bra is in my coat pocket. Can this night get any stranger?"
"Don't tempt fate," Richard admonished with what sounded like real concern. She almost laughed but too much of her agreed with the sentiment. They started on the course to his place and had just hung a right onto the long stretch of Spring when her partner spoke again. "You did consider her to be your girlfriend then? Tessa seemed uncertain about the appropriate label."
"Tess is perpetually confused when it comes to the emotional side of things. Not to speak ill of her," Kate added. She lifted one elbow against the window edge and plucked pensively at her lower lip. "There are reasons why she is the way she is, but that's not my story to tell. Take my word for it, okay?"
Castle nodded amidst her brief glance.
"We weren't good for each other. Lanie used to compare us to sodium and water. You know what that does, right?" He mimicked an explosion sound with his mouth. "Mmhmm. We're great at being friends. Both of us suffer from similar dark impulses and self-destructive tendencies. When one of us is headed down the wrong path, the other can often see the danger ahead. It was Tess who introduced me to the therapist who helped me out of the hole I'd hurled myself into with Mom's case. She practically dragged me into the office those first few times. Even after she went back to Harvard she'd call or text to make sure I kept going. I'll never forget that."
"Things changed after you crossed the line to lovers?"
"Yeah. We were always trying to conquer each other, maybe even break one another's hearts. I had my moments of behaving the way she described herself tonight, mostly by saying things I wish I hadn't. It was definitely a two-way street when it came to inflicting damage. I guess we wanted to see how far we could push each other so we'd know where the limits were. Some people need to know things like that. She found mine. Jeez, did she ever."
They stopped beneath a red light at Broadway. She watched the traffic filter through while hardly registering it all.
"Do you miss it?"
Kate fixed him with a blank look. "The sex, you mean?"
I know you're thinking about it.
"I mean whatever you mean."
"I do miss the sex," she admitted and partially obscured her face behind a palm. Part of her could not believe they were talking about this. It was the way he had asked: genuine and calm, unafraid of the answer. He'd only seemed curious at to what it might be. "She's the only woman I've ever, um, been with. It's not an attraction that hits me often. It's not exactly a standard attraction with Tess either—not until she t-touches me."
"I can see why she would be the exception."
"Oh yeah?" Beckett returned with an arched eyebrow. "Is that a glint of interest I detect?" She didn't give him time to confirm or deny it. "Don't be fooled by what you heard up there. Tess isn't easy. She gets around, but it's always on her terms. That being said, you did resist her charms, mild though they were tonight, and she loves a challenge like nothing else. I wouldn't be surprised if she steals your number from Lanie's phone and initiates contact."
"She would do that despite—" Castle paused, staring forward with his lips poised to continue. The hesitation dragged like dead weight behind the Charger for half a city block.
"You mean…" Beckett gestured wordlessly between them. Her companion nodded with evident gratitude for the assist. "'Despite' my ass, Castle. She'd do it because of that."
"Isn't that a little—"
"Messed up? Of course it is. Like I said, Tess has her issues." She turned right down Lafayette when the way was clear. "The really messed up part for me is that she'd be upset if I got mad at her over it. 'It's not like I planned on stealing him, Kit-Kat, jesus. I just wanted to see what all the hub-bub was about.'"
Castle rumbled with mirth at the impression.
It was a little funny in the abstract, but the actuality rankled the driver. The more those bygone, pent-up emotions found their voice the more her tone bled with hurt and animosity. "It's like she can't see past the tip of her damn nose when it comes to the impact she has on other people. It's not that she doesn't care. She does. Tess has a big, beautiful heart when she can find the frigging thing. It just doesn't compute for her, that's the problem. She's so used to being invisible among her family she assumes that's the case with everyone. No matter how much I tried to prove myself back when we were playing it cool and pretending things were casual—her fucking idea, by the way, not mine—nothing changed. Gah! I dunno how the smartest woman I've ever met can be such a dunce, but give that lady her fucking crown."
"The way she spoke," Castle said, "it sounds like maybe she's changed."
"Bullshit. She's still annoyed that she lost one of her toys. That's all that was."
The author scratched lightly at one cheek. "Maybe that's also true, but it's like you said: she's an intelligent woman. Hindsight and time to reflect can temper people's rough edges. Nothing motivates us more in that endeavor than the burden of regret. You have to concede she displayed at least that much this evening."
The detective glared across at him. "Why are you defending her?"
Castle shifted with unease and hesitated.
I'm not trying to defend her. It's just that I know from personal experience how—
"Yeah," Becket scoffed at the windshield and flipped one hand up from the wheel. "I guess you would know. Playboys of a feather flock together, is that it? Should I whip this puppy around and take you back? That's fucking fine by me," she snarled while pulling sharply over into the right turn lane at Broome Street. A car behind them laid on its horn. "You know something, being alone sucks big time but I think it might be paradise compared to putting up with this shit."
"Whoa. Beckett—"
You aren't alone.
"Yes, I am!" she all but shouted with a beat of her fists against the wheel. "I am alone! Maybe not right this moment, but that's where this leads, isn't it? Isn't it?" she repeated while he stared back at her wide-eyed and mute. "If we take this risk, we'll be lucky if we get a couple good years together. I bet they'd even be great years. Sooner or later my late nights will ruin our plans one too many times. That or you'll find whatever threshold you have for worrying while I'm gone, or seeing me get hurt, or you'll swing back around to asking me to stop pursuing the one case I can't let go of, no matter what it costs."
Maybe.
"Don't say it won't! You can't know—" She stopped with a hard flinch of surprise. "What?"
"I said, 'maybe'."
Words failed her. Kate's head swiveled forward. Half numb, rolling fully on autopilot, she made the right turn onto Broome. Too soon they were easing into an open parking space outside his building. She parked. He didn't stir. Didn't say a word. It was the patient silence more than anything that moved her to turn the car off.
"I don't think of you as a playboy. Not anymore. That was a cheap shot."
He smiled faintly. "It's not a reputation I didn't earn."
"You've also earned me seeing past that. I do."
"I surmised as much when your list of frightening possibilities failed to account for random affairs, but thank you for saying so."
He believed her. Good. She relaxed against her seat back.
"I can see that she hurt you badly. You still care for her regardless. I'm sorry it was so difficult between you two. Maybe that sounds strange or disingenuous coming from me of all people, but I am." He turned slightly away, looking at nothing more than the dark street and lines of silent automobiles. "You wouldn't believe how much I want you to be happy, Kate. Sometimes I can hardly believe it. It's so much bigger than me."
When she could breathe again, the detective reached out to lay a hand on his left thigh and gave a small squeeze. "Slowly," she requested quietly, "please. I know I've done nothing within the last half mile to earn the consideration and, jeez, after all that I've said my damn self..."
His palm laid over hers.
Looking over at him felt like trying to move through a mixture of wet concrete. She did it.
"Don't be too hard on yourself, Beckett. You do this," he echoed her previous gesture between the two of them, "magnitudes better than you did with her. No rush," he added in the face of her widening dark eyes. "I promise. But while we're getting there? I'd enjoy the chance to share more evenings like this. I feel like I've learned more about you in the past three hours than I have in the past three years combined."
"Two and a half years. And you've definitely seen plenty for one night," she grumbled embarrassedly.
Flashes of pearl gleamed from his smile. "We'll have to agree to disagree on that."
Richard opened the passenger door and eased out. Part of her wanted to stop him. There was so much more to say, a small lifetime of things to explain. She thought if he understood it all better, maybe waiting would be easier. But the car door closed with a dull thunk and he strode around the nose of the Charger towards his building.
Something must have struck him too, though, because the author angled back to the left on the sidewalk and approached the driver's side door. She started the car and rolled the window down in spite of a quivering anxiety in her belly. Kate thought she knew what was coming. She expected a confession relating to the conversation he had with Tessa in the kitchen earlier. Rick's looming frame bent at the waist to let him to look her square in the eyes. His expression was not grim, per se, but he looked deadly serious.
One more thing: stop reading my mind.
He winked, then turned and walked inside without actually having spoken a word.
Kate sat on his street in complete and utter shock for a long damn time before she gathered her wits and finally made it home.