A/N: so this is kind of half a temper tantrum and half, I wanted to write a Light is gay fic, but actually realistic for its time period. For the manga, that 2003 and upwards. The anime is 2006 plus. The temper tantrum part insists, as much as this author lover her some Lawlight, it would never ever happen in 2004 Japan. When it comes to harassment about sexuality or gender identity issues, Japan is relatively neutral, but, as a generalization, a Japanese citizen doesn't want to discuss such intimate things. It's about maintaining harmony in their collective culture. The consensus is people are more similar than not, so conforming with your 'group'—whether school, club, home, or work—is the ideal. Also change happens at the rate of molasses spilling. Age of majority in Japan, until this (2022) year had been 20,so even though Light is in university, he's still technically a minor.
Tl;dr: Look, I love my fluffy yaoi goodness, LxLight ftw, but we're writing the dank semi miserable real world now, because I has a dank miserable real world kind of day. Japan adult = 20.
Oh, its 2022 and I don't believe same sex marriage is even legal in Japan. Fun fact.
…
ホモセクシャル, "homosexual"
…
Much like another day spent in tedium and monotony, and failing to cajole any information on the third Kira, whilst chained to Yagami Light, L found himself deep in pondering about his main Kira suspect. Various facets of Light's personality before and during incarceration and post faux execution swirled in a chaotic maelstrom.
Today, L's thoughts kept circling back to the surprisingly affectionate way Light seemed to interact with him even though he was handcuffed and suspect to constant scrutiny. Little things, like the upwards tilt of his lips, a smile quirking out at something L said, the lack of protest about sharing a bed or potentially seeing each other in a more intimate manner than either would like… Unlike… Light, before his admission seemed to keep L at a polite distance, even taking into Light's Japanese cultural upbringing. He was very formal before, but this [L bit his thumbnail], L was wary to use the term: different, Light was much more familiar, and not quite as platonic, as a Japanese friendship between two males warranted.
L's mental query drudged up memories of months ago to the time he had been recording the activities of the Yagami household. L resisted the urge to give into the mirth bubbling in his throat as his mind supplied a photogenic image of Yagami Soichiro's appalled countenance as he realized Light, his perfect son, perusing mildly explicit content.
Mildly explicit heteronormative content. Very very vanilla even for a Japanese 17 year old… And L, with his eidetic memory, distinctly remembered the lack of, well, interest on the boy's face. Before realizing his personal preferences, L had definitely had his experience with those types of magazines, trying and failing to see what was so scintillating about pornography. When the feminine body didn't, ah, tantalize him, L had tried the opposite—
Of course. It clicked. His thoughts were moving faster than logic, faster than the hard practiced social niceties he tried to adopt for the comfort of the detective team.
"Light-kun is gay." It wasn't a question, so much as a thought turned verbal. A thought L had not quite realized he said aloud to a room of Japanese middle aged men. Silence descended, keypads stopped clicking; reports stopped rustling, until a quiet dribble from the far corner of the room. A sheepish Matsuda waved L's gaze away as he knelt to clean up the spilt coffee he had been pouring. This time, L was able to keep his traitorous thoughts shielded in the privacy of his mind.
L met Light's gaze, or rather the top of Light's eyelid as his eyes and face were tilted downward. Even Wammy had nothing to contribute, no helpful text on his screen to maneuver himself out of the awkward silence he had created. L wished, in that moment, he could recant what he had said.
Light's downcast eyes prompted information to seep into his usable memory. Facts, and not particularly good ones, about homosexuality in Japan, especially post westernization in the late 1800s of the island nation, barraged him. While not as bad as the United States in the conservative 1950s or the 1980s worldwide AIDs crisis, Japan was still lagging behind more liberal Nordic epicurean countries. Contrasted with his childhood of independent studies, Wammy House was much more progressive. A fact, L scolded himself internally, that he should have remembered before all this…
The situation went from bad to worse, when Yagami Soichiro leaped up, accidental kinetic energy crashing his computer chair noisily on the tile floor. "What exactly are you implying, L?" In his instinct to defend his son's honor, Soichiro unintentionally [L hoped] used L's moniker rather than his temporary pseudonym for the Kira case. L reckoned, by Light's darkened eyes that Light had never seen his father this angry before, especially not when it was about him. "My son is an exemplary student, top of Japan."
L badly wanted to interject that grades had no correlation to sexuality, but the near despondent Light kept L silent, and L let the chief continue his defense. Soichiro gesticulated beyond the door frame of the main taskforce headquarters. "Light is in a relationship with Amane-san, and I'm certain I don't need to remind you of that…indiscretion…" Soichiro trailed off, not quite capable of bringing up the pornographic magazine that marred the idealized perfection of his only son.
The rest of the former task force grimaced with near identical looks of disbelief, distrust, and more subtlety, disgust. The only exceptions were Matsuda, himself, and Light, whom L noted was trembling slightly. It was apparent when Light balled one hand into a fist, and dragged his nails laboriously slowly across the back of his fisted hand. Matsuda's eyes were wide, as if he were trying to telepathically communicate with Light, but Light kept his gaze on the floor. Only L, in his crouched position, could see the glimmering in Light's eyes that was not a reflection of the ultra bright computer screens.
L, realizing he needed to diffuse this situation [finally a note from Wammy pinged through, but it conveyed the same intent], dropped his alternating gaze from the Yagami Soichiro , Matsuda Touto, and Yagami Light. He read Wammy's coded message, and followed as recommended by the older man. L tapped on his keyboard, a nonverbal gesture to let the detectives to know to return to the more pressing Kira case.
"My mistake then," L said to Soichiro, who seemed the most horrified by the very idea his son did not conform to Japanese tightly wound constructs. L refused to apologize though, which Wammy had suggested to do. L gnawed on his thumb; he had no desire to out the person he considered his first friend…
The hours slipped by in tedious monotony and L noticed Light's emotions seemed to have settled into a placid facade. The room cleared out of detectives as the men went home, leaving only Matsuda, L, and Light. L resisted the urge to lift an eyebrow. No need to flaunt his curiosity for Matsuda to see. Yet, L was curious.
L simply stared at Matsuda, while Light cocked his head to the side, enough confusion on display for both of them.
"Yes?" L asked, keeping his voice monotone.
"Hey, uh, Light," Matsuda's tempo was a bit rushed compared to his normal cadence, but the flow of words were still recognizable. "Y'know they say it takes one to know one, right?" A haphazard laugh trills from his lips.
Light's eyes widened and his breath hitched; he didn't say a word, however L murmured a genuine thanks to the detective for his honesty and bravery. Without fully investigating Matsuda, L estimated a high probability Matsuda was bisexual, and tended to ignore any lingering same sex attractions. Matsuda gave Light another nervous smile, and left Light and L alone.
Together. L noticed Light's complexion pale to nearly mimic L's long earned, sun-avoiding pallor.
"Are you well, Light-kun" Worry caused L to drop his habit of antagonistically changing sentence structure, and spoke plainly.
Light didn't react—not verbally or with body language. L was just relieved Light hadn't continued self injurious behavior. L simply watched as Light seemed to fold into himself, an effigy of whom Light had been before confinement. L stared into the cold eyes and completely neutral face, and the Kira percentages elevated. Yes, Light was indeed a gifted liar.
Light's slightly strained voice, yet [L's mind mechanically sorts the recent behavior to fully analyze later. L already knew Light would lie, "I'm not a homosexual, Ryuzaki."
L's eye twitched at the extremely formal and almost derogatory language used to describe his sexual orientation.
A quietly muttered, "I can't be." L bit harder into his thumb at the sheer vulnerability in Light's features.
L knew, without a shadow of a doubt, Light was very much gay, and very much in the shadow of his personal albatross. Yes, Light had been Kira, but right now he was a terrified minor who knew exactly how same sex relationships were viewd in Japan, in his University, even his own father had a fondness of an inappropriate joke on the queer persons behalf. No, L realized, while a great police officer and detective, Yagami Souchiro was very much a man of his generation; he would initially, not react well.
L chewed on his already abused thumb. He felt a yearning to tell Light some relevant truths about himself. Naturally, had his percentages indicated Light was Kira, L would never allowed the thought to even become credible.
But this, frankly, ill looking, barely out of high school minor [whom was definitely not Kira or didn't remember being Kira] needed a modicum of hope, even an iota of companionship , so L proceeded to break his own rules and confide in the scared-out-of-his mind teenaged Light.
"I think it best." L made a point to speak on autopilot and adopted a banal tone. "if Light kun was aware I have no desire to be sexually or platonically involved with Light kun.
Neither do I to you! Light screamed in his head, mildly horrified to feel himself twitching in his trousers at the thought of a sex act with another male. He swallowed thickly, inwardly cursing his overactive teenage hormones and simultaneously absorbing the information L conveyed to him.
Light blinked. "Do you mean…" Light momentarily struggled in remembering the term he had come across whilst delving into dubious texts about his…abnormality…and fervently wishing he had been diagnosable as—
Light snapped his thumb and forefinger. "You're asexual?"
L merely hummed. Light, whilst technically correct, was not aware L personally didn't care for the vague umbrella term; frankly the boy had grown up in one of the more conservative parts of the world. The western world were making advances in sexuality and gender identity, but, for Light, who lived in Japan with quintessential Japanese parents and a role, wasn't aware of the burgeoning social movements in the western world.
Here, in Japan, here, in the task force headquarters designed to investigate a mass murderer, Light simply hadn't had the time nor the inclination to seek out essays written in foreign language, let alone even consider in the sanctity of his thoughts, that maybe, his equipment was defective, and desperately trying to erase a few solo sessions involving flipping through his younger sister's magazines filled with the most arousing—
Light flicked a recent wound from scratching desperately at the back of his hand, and the encroaching pressure let up. Rejuvenated from a pain fueled dopamine spike, Light managed, "Right, ok then. I have Misa."
L merely side eyed Light. So the teen intended to keep part of himself hidden.
For Light's father's sake, L mused, but quickly mentally dismissed Yagami Soichiro who would eventually end up accepting Light as a whole, but fret Light would lead an unhappy life by being so bold. Sachiko, L mused, would likely pretend: any big reveals would be unacknowledged, so to keep the harmony at home. Maybe one day Light would be able to speak openly with his mother and she would explain she knew since he was just a young child…
Since Soichiro asked about Misa in regards to Light, and Sachiko, at home, likely blissfully filling her thoughts with anything rather than the truth about Light no one wanted to accept, Already, morbid percentages and statistical possibilities flooded L's mind with an aching clarity Light's life could become consequential from vehemently denying himself of the most basic pleasure. Statistics were not on Light's side.
"Does anyone else know?" asked L nonchalantly as if they were discussing the innermost entangled mesh that was the Kira case.
An almost inaudible sniffle. L noticed Light's eyes pooling with water. Light turned his back to L and, without warning, abruptly walked towards the exit door of headquarters. Walking through the corridors, L almost missed the quiet admission from Light, "Sayu is always good to remind me not to be the nail that sticks out."
It took L a moment to work through the colloquial phrase all Japanese people seem to already know, translating it into English then back to Japanese in less than a minute. L winced, but said nothing as there were no comforting words to say. It was August 2004, and Japanese citizens' view on homosexuality were very much a quandary of "don't ask; don't tell".