"Space is vast. Absolutely humongous. Even within a solar system, it's mind bogglingly huge! It takes light more than eight minutes on average to reach Earth from the Sun. To get to Jupiter from Earth, it can range from a half hour to several hours at light speed! To get to the planet Pluto, it takes more than five hours!"
"Pluto isn't a planet," Chris said, looking up from adjusting her outfit. She had apparently decided that she no longer needed bulky clothing, and she and Aqua were furiously sewing to make everything snug and form fitting. She'd even cut her jacket to show off her midriff.
"My point is that there is NO WAY that we should be taking less than a day to fly to a planet!" Kazuma ranted. "We were at the edge of the solar system and we're flying all the way to one of the moons on the nearer gas giants!"
"Yeah, it's pretty slow, but the Crimson Pirates are stopping to hunt a space whale," Aqua explained, looking up from her needlework. She held up the shirt and smiled at it. "Perfect! Here you go, Chris. It was a good choice to not use any padding on this! My friend Eris is always using it, and I keep telling her she doesn't need to."
Blushing furiously, Chris ripped the shirt out of Aqua's hands. "Don't judge, Miss Perfect Measurements! Sometimes, a girl just needs a little extra confidence around the office, OK?!"
For a moment, Kazuma thought Aqua would finally figure it out. He'd never even met Eris, but he was already pretty damn sure that "Chris" was Aqua's friend with a paper thin disguise, especially now that it was out that she was actually a she.
But no, Aqua just shrugged. "Everyone should be proud of the body they were given! It's only natural that a goddess like me has perfect measurements."
"Eris is a goddess too, you know," Chris grumbled, turning away to sulk. "And maybe she'd like it if her friend didn't rub in that only one of us was overly blessed by the puberty fairy."
"I thought you said there were no such things as goddesses," Kazuma said suspiciously, sitting up in their cell. Well, it was supposed to be a cell. When Aqua had complained about the straw pallets being bad for her back, they'd brought in several mattresses and pillows. As it was, their cell currently resembled more of a small luxury suite than anything even close to an actual prison.
Chris and Aqua exchanged startled looks, and both began babbling.
"I mean, I'm just an ordinary pilot, I wouldn't know anything about-"
"-of course, that would be silly! Nope, it's definitely nanomachines!"
"-I'm just kinda lucky, there's a perfectly logical explanation for-"
"-definitely just really advanced technology your puny human mind-"
"-sort of offended that you're implying that I have to rely on cheating to-"
"-clearly I'm just an ordinary person with perfect measurements!"
"Uh huh," Kazuma said, sinking back down into the pillows and closing his eyes. "It's still bullshit that we can fly all the way across a solar system in one day."
"Ha! Obviously, you underestimate the might of the Crimson Pirate Clan!"
Kazuma opened one eye and tilted his head up to see someone posing outside of his cell. He vaguely recognized the voice, and after a moment he placed the face. "You're that little maniac who's mech I took out! Megumin, right?"
"I am NOT little!" Megumin snarled, gripping her mop in both hands, and the hair on the back of her head standing up like a cat's as she bristled at Kazuma. She had a bucket next to her, and appeared to be swabbing the deck. "And you didn't take out my mech! It had a slight malfunction after firing off the Wave Motion Explosion Beam!"
"What you mean is, 'I forgot to stress test my insane super weapon and my mecha cooked when I fired it off,'" Kazuma said, turning back around. "Also, you missed a spot."
A moment later, a wet mop slapped against the bars and slathered the back of Kazuma's head in dirty soapy water.
"HEY!" Kazuma shouted, jumping up and glaring at Megumin, who was looking smug as she posed with her mop and one hand making a V-sign by her eyes. "War criminal! That's mistreatment of POWs!"
"We're just going to sell you into slavery, so it's not like it matters," Megumin said with a shrug. "They'll probably use you as kaiju bait or something."
"I seriously doubt that," Kazuma said with a snort of derision. "Is slavery even legal on the planet we're going to?"
"Axel isn't a planet, it's a moon!" Megumin argued, blushing furiously.
"Sure. And is slavery legal?" Kazuma prodded.
"Axel is a wretched hive of scum and villainy!" Megumin proclaimed. "The cesspool where the flotsam of the galaxy rules! We, the Crimson Pirate Clan, care not for laws, nor for legal systems, but for-"
The PA system chimed, and a voice came over the loudspeaker. "A-attention everyone! We will, um, be arriving in Axel shortly. P-please make sure you have your visas ready for inspection, a-as well as full documentation and c-claiming forms. And please, um, if you have an exotic pet, d-declare it immediately, o-or we'll be held up in red tape for days! Megumin, c-can you please report to the bridge? Um, we need to get the prisoners their immigration f-forms."
"You were saying?" Kazuma asked, grinning smugly at Megumin.
"Ugh!" Megumin threw down her mop, then walked over and unlocked the prison. "Fine! You mop the floor while I go get the stupid paperwork!"
Kazuma glanced at the open door, then at Megumin, who was glaring at him. Then he looked over at Chris and Aqua, who had looked up, incredulous looks on their faces. Then all three of them tackled Megumin at the same time.
"Ow, ow! What are you doing!?" Megumin demanded as she flailed about underneath the pile.
"Well, you're going to sell us into slavery, right?" Kazuma said, putting his knee on Megumin's back as Chris hastily tied her arms behind her.
"I mean, we say that, but-"
"Yeah, not taking any chances. Gag her," Kazuma ordered, and Aqua stuffed something into Megumin's mouth. The small girl immediately began to flail and gag as Kazuma hauled her up to her feet.
"What did you use for a gag?" Kazuma asked, frowning at the bit of fabric in Megumin's mouth.
"My sock. I took it off while we were sewing. I don't like shoes anyway," Aqua explained.
"Gross. But whatever. Come on, let's blow this joint," Kazuma ordered.
"Sounds good to me. I want some revenge," Chris complained, going to the other side of Megumin and hauling her along.
Fortunately for the escapees, the Crimson Pirate Clan seemed to be rather safety conscious for a bunch of supposedly murderous scallywags, and their exits and nearest escape pods were clearly marked on the floors, with conveniently clear signs showing exactly what to do in case of an emergency, and how to launch the pods.
"Hey, there's the moon, it's right below us!" Aqua said, looking out of a porthole near the escape pod they were currently stuffing the frantically struggling Megumin into. Despite being much smaller than Kazuma, and Chris obviously having a bit of muscle on her, Megumin was frantically trying to escape and both were having a hard time forcing her into the pod.
"Stop it! Or I'll be forced to do something lewd to you!" Kazuma snarled.
Megumin paused, glaring at Kazuma, and let out a series of muffled and indistinct grunts and shrieks.
"Yeah, no." Kazuma said, shaking his head. "You keep struggling and I'm stealing your underwear."
"He'll do it too," Chris warned. "He's a real freak. They call him 'Scumzuma' in the ready room."
Megumin shook her head frantically and continued to struggle, apparently heedless of the warning.
"Well, don't say I didn't warn you," Kazuma said, and reached towards Megumin, waggling his fingers suggestively.
"Oh, just let me handle her," Aqua said, and before Kazuma could do something truly regrettable, grabbed Megumin by the ear and easily manhandled her into the pod.
With a slightly disappointed shrug, Kazuma lifted the glass panel and slammed the emergency button, freeing the pod to launch. He stepped inside with Chris, who lifted then pushed down and into the frame the lever to launch the pod. The door hissed shut, and the pod bucked and kicked as it was shot away from the ship.
"Steer us towards the planet, Chris," Kazuma ordered, though Chris had already moved to the small helm and was guiding the small pod down towards the moon below them. It was somewhat similar to Earth, with brown and green continents, blue oceans, and white wispy clouds.
"I think we can take this out now," Aqua said, and plucked her now very slimy and rumpled sock out of Megumin's mouth.
"YOU'VE DOOMED US ALL!" Megumin wailed, throwing herself dramatically onto the rubberized decking with a sob.
"Oh relax. We'll let you go once we're safe and know your pirate friends won't just gun us down," Kazuma assured her.
"You fool, that is not of which I speak!" Megumin said, sitting up and glaring at Kazuma.
"Relax, kid. I know a thing or two about survival. We'll be fine down there," Chris told Megumin as she guided the pod into the moon's atmosphere. Their ride bucked and rocked slightly, but Chris' guidance kept the shuddering to a minimum. "You've got like, a survival kit or something in here, right?"
"For somewhere like Elroad, or maybe Alcanrettia!" Megumin spat. "But no one's prepared for the wildlife of Axel!"
"Oh please, it's a small moon, supposedly the port of entry for this system. What's the worst that can happen?" Aqua said dismissively.
"When we perish, as we surely will, I hope that I am last so I can say 'I told you so,'" Megumin grumbled, sitting up. "Unleash me from my bonds, that I might die a free woman."
"Oh please. How old are you, anyway. Like thirteen?" Kazuma demanded as he knelt to undo Megumin's bonds.
"I told you already, I'm seventeen!" Megumin ranted, turning about to glare at Kazuma. "How old are YOU, human, to mock me in such a juvenile fashion!?"
"Old enough to drink, young enough to still hit on you if you stop being a brat," Kazuma said, giving up on the knots Chris had tied. She seemed pretty damn good at them, and Kazuma had never been in Scouts. "You'd be kinda cute if you stopped pouting. Though I'm not really into the flat chested tsundere schtick."
"UNHAND ME SO I CAN KILL YOU!" Megumin raged, squirming about mightily.
"Everyone strap in! We're touching down in five!" Chris ordered.
Sighing, Kazuma had Aqua help him get Megumin into a seat, which was located at the edge of the circular deck. Chris had already strapped herself in at the sole seat in the center, which had the small helm. The rest of the seats faced inward towards the middle of the tear drop shaped pod. Up above their heads was netting, which had various boxes that seemed to contain survival gear in them.
After a teeth jarring ride through the lower atmosphere, Chris activated their retro thrusters, and the pod came to rest in a dried up lake bed, snapping off dead reeds and crunching into the ground hard enough that water bubbled up from below them.
"Right!" Chris said, letting loose her harness and jumping up. She scrambled up, rummaging through the gear. "Hmm, hmm, yes, yes…some survival suits, and…weapons! Yes! Beam sabers!"
"Toss us down something too," Kazuma said, frowning up at Chris. Then a slow grin spread over his face. With her new skin tight pants, he had a nice view of Chris's rather shapely rear, and he could see her panties poking up above-
Aqua clobbered the back of Kazuma's head, making him see stars. "Stop leering! We have to act quickly to survive! Any tools, Chris?"
"Here, just some basics, you'll have to improvise," Chris said, tossing Aqua down a small container that had a few small emergency hand tools. "Now take Scumzuma outside so I can get dressed."
Chris had found a large case, which she activated. Inside was an armored environmental suit, with jet boots and powered servos on it. "It's kaiju killing time!"
Aqua dragged Kazuma out, much to his annoyance. "Oh, come on! Chris is cute!"
"You didn't think that when you thought she was a guy," Aqua sniffed, breaking out the tools and holding up a wrench. "Now come on! I've got to turn this into something that can help us fight off the kaiju! Axel really is crawling with them."
Kazuma looked around, frowning at the landscape. The dry lakebed stretched for at least half a kilometer in all directions, with little more than muddy patches and dry reeds all around. The hills surrounding them had scrubby brush with a few twisted trees, none of which were all that big.
"Doesn't look like a place with a lot of kaiju," Kazuma grumbled.
"Didn't you read the travel guide I put in your room?" Aqua demanded as she put on a welding mask and pulled on the gloves. "It's the dry season on this continent! We should be safe enough, but, if we woke anything up…"
Not too far away, the ground began to shake and buckle. Kazuma blinked, then let out a gasp as a muddy shape began to emerge from the ground. Whatever it was, it was huge, though perhaps not kaiju scale. "Aqua! AQUA SOMETHING'S COMING!" Kazuma screamed, then jumped down, picking up a large wrench and holding it like a bat.
"Stand aside, fool!" Megumin said, climbing out of the escape pod with a rocket launcher. "I shall handle this!"
The muddy shape shook itself, revealing some sort of giant amphibian with rusty red skin. It let out a sonorous croak, and began to hop forward, the ground shaking slightly. While not truly gargantuan, the toad beast was still elephantine in stature, and Kazuma couldn't help trembling slightly.
"FACE JUSTICE, FIEND!" Megumin cackled, and fired off her missile. It streaked towards the beast, only for the missile to slow, and begin glowing brightly as it got closer to the creature.
"Damn thing malfunctioned, and you've got its attention!" Kazuma complained, focused entirely on the threatening monster.
"Shows what you know, fool!" Megumin cackled. "The Miniature Giant Toad is doomed now!"
"Miniature?" Kazuma asked, confused. There was nothing miniature about it as far as he was concerned: the thing had to weigh as much as a bull elephant.
Further musings were interrupted when a long, sticky tongue shot out, snagging the missile out of the air and dragging it into the toad's mouth. It blinked once, then exploded in a shower of gore.
"The skin of the Miniature Giant Toad is tough, but a simple explosive on the inside is enough to destroy it!" Megumin cackled, posing with her rocket launcher cocked on her hip.
"Er, that's impressive, I suppose," Kazuma admitted, nodding. "Thanks for saving our bacon. And, um, sorry for kidnapping you."
"Bah. I was reassigned to swabbie duty until my mecha was rebuilt. This is much more fun!" Megumin cackled, and began to reload the launcher.
"Wait, why are you reloading?" Kazuma asked, backing away slightly. "I said I was sorry!"
"Oh, this isn't for you. Our impact awakened that one. But the explosion is sure to rouse more," Megumin explained.
"Wait, then why did you-oh shit."
All around, the ground began to tremble, and more slimy creatures crawled out of the dried up lake bed, ribbiting and hopping towards the escape pod.
"Um, how many missiles do you have?" Kazuma asked, mentally tallying up the toads. He could see at least half a dozen already, and more had to be behind him, while others were still emerging.
"Three! I shall save the last for us, for it is better to die in fiery glory than slowly digest in a Miniature Giant Toads gullet," Megumin explained, taking aim.
"OK, seriously? Miniature Giant Toad? That's just contradictory!" Kazuma complained, trying to slink back inside of the escape pod and keep an eye on the encroaching monsters.
"It's because these are the little ones," a robotic voice said, and Kazuma turned to see Chris clambering out of the pod encased in power armor. She walked forward, holding out her arms to either side, and then ignited twin silver beam sabers. "I've got this, Megumin."
"Hmph. Stealing my kills," Megumin complained, but she raised the rocket launcher as Chris sprinted forward, armored boots sending up puffs of dust as she pounded across the cracked ground.
Long tongues extended towards Chris, and the toads ribbited in outrage. Even in her power armor, Chris was still under two meters tall, and the smallest of the toads overtopped her by half a meter. She easily dodged though, leaping into the air and doing a perfect 360 degree spin, before slicing her twin sabers through the toad's blubbery flesh. She landed perfectly on one knee, and the toad slid apart in a spray of blood and slime.
"Wow. Uh, she's actually kinda scary," Kazuma mused, watching as Chris continued to leap about, dealing death to the attacking amphibians.
"Truly, I was defeated by a worthy foe," Megumin said, nodding respectfully.
"I mean, yeah, I beat you," Kazuma pointed out, frowning over at Megumin and crossing his arms over his chest.
"I told you! My precious Chomusuke MK1 was already shut down! Your pathetic mecha did less than nothing to me!" Megumin ranted, turning about to glare up at Kazuma, who overtopped her by a head, her red eyes burning with anger.
Nonplussed, Kazuma shrugged. "Chris was just a distraction. I was the real ace."
"In that hunk of junk!? It was made out of what appeared to be cheap civilian parts and aluminum foil!" Megumin said, pointing at Kazuma. "It was barely a child's plaything!"
"Look, we made that thing in two days with whatever was lying around on the ship! I think it's a miracle it worked, and it's a testament to my skill as a pilot that I got a kill in that thing in my very first 3D battle!" Kazuma argued.
"What kind of idiot are you?! Space isn't 3D, it's 4D!" Megumin protested.
"What?! What's supposed to be the 4th dimension, delusions of grandeur?!"
"Well, you would know, since you live there, you pathetic barbarian! No, the 4th dimension is-"
"OK, Kazuma, the mech's finished!" Aqua called cheerily.
"What are you even-" Kazuma began, turning about. He and Megumin turned around at the same time, and both of them fell silent as they beheld what Aqua had created.
The escape pod was gone, with only a few bits and pieces still lying about. Somehow, Aqua had changed from her jumpsuit into a pair of baggy overalls and a grease stained blue blouse, having tied a pink bandana about her temples. Aside from the sudden wardrobe change, she had also built a mini-mecha, apparently all from the parts that had been in the escape pod, and the escape pod itself.
Kazuma glanced behind them. Chris had killed the first half dozen "Miniature" Giant Toads, and had gone to town on some more.
"Do you have a watch?" Kazuma asked Megumin as he stared at the mini-mecha. It was built like a large head with stubby little arms and legs. Really, it looked sort of like Morok, or perhaps more accurately, the Lagann from the show of the same name. Though at the center of this mecha's forehead, there was a weird blue symbol like a square on its vertice, with another smaller square inside it at the bottom, and a small diagonal line through the right hand side.
"Yep," Megumin said, glancing at a small pad embedded in her forearm.
"How long since we landed?" Kazuma asked absently, studying the mecha. It's face looked more than a little like Kazuma's with brown "hair" for a top canopy, and green eyes. It wasn't a bad likeness, and Kazuma would have been flattered if he wasn't so astounded.
"About five minutes," Megumin answered, absently glancing at the display.
"Like, Earth minutes, or…?" Kazuma asked, trailing off.
"Don't be dumb, Kazuma, they use the metric system here, not some weird alien one," Aqua told him. She gestured to the mecha. "Get in! It's keyed to your DNA."
"How did you…never mind." Kazuma walked over and pressed his thumb to the blue symbol, and the eyes of the mecha flashed. The top canopy popped open, and Kazuma jumped up and inside. This time, he noted, there was a seatbelt.
"I couldn't really put many weapons in, we didn't have much in the way of material for that and Megumin and Chris took the only ones we had," Aqua explained, pointing at the control panel to a button with an icon that looked like a pair of earrings. "But! It's pretty fast, and I put in some special nano-tech that should really help out! It's also a lot stronger! You should be able to punch or headbutt something if you can't use any of its special abilities."
"Does it run on spiral power?" Kazuma asked, brightening somewhat.
"Don't be stupid! That's not real," Aqua said, smacking Kazuma upside the back of his head and glaring at him.
"Uh-huh," Kazuma said, and fiddled with the controls a bit. Aqua scrambled up into the mecha beside him as he walked it back and forth, and he nodded. "Alright, cool. It works. So…can it fly and stuff?"
"Of course! Though, um, not very far…it needs to mount an external power supply or system to do more than long jumps. The jets do recharge, though! It just takes a little bit, so you could fly in space. Not really on a planet though…" Aqua admitted.
"Jump jets, got it, that's cool," Kazuma admitted. He glanced at Megumin. "What a ride?"
"Sure, why not," she agreed, and scrambled up into the mecha with a hand from Aqua.
Kazuma spun the mecha about, surveying the carnage. Chris really had done a number on the toads, and a full score of bloated carcasses were now rotting in the lakebed.
"Huh, that's cool. Well, I guess we take this ride to the nearest settlement now," Kazuma said, using the controls to walk the mecha over where Chris was panting. "Did you have fun?"
"Damn right I did! Now this is a vacation!" Chris laughed.
Aqua frowned at her. "Aren't you supposed to be working? Your job is to be our pilot and help me and Kazuma!"
Chris turned towards Aqua. "Never change, Aqua, never change. But sure. Just remember: If I'm on the clock, I'm drawing a salary."
"Well talk to the GF, not me, but I'll sign the paychecks I guess," Aqua agreed.
"Heh, sure," Chris agreed with a wink and a nod. "Let's get out of here before-"
CROOOOOOAAAAAKKKKK.
The ground shuddered with the deafening sound, and Kazuma had to fight to keep the mecha on its feet. Even Chris was staggered, and Megumin and Aqua cried out as they were bounced about the cockpit.
"What was that?" Kazuma asked, his heart suddenly sinking.
KRACK-THOOM!
RIBBBBBIIIIIITTTTTT.
The earth trembled again, and this time both the mecha and Chris fell over, then were bounced into the air again as it quacked.
"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!" Kazuma gasped, then looked up as he realized that what he had THOUGHT were two nearby hills got up, and began ribbiting.
"Those," Megumin said, her voice barely a whisper as she stared vacantly at their doom. "Are Giant Space Toads."
Kazuma now fully understood why they had talked about "Kaiju." These two toads were each the size of a four story building, with eyes as big as a small car, and mouths that looked like they could swallow a blue whale in a single gulp.
"Oh hell," Chris groaned. She looked down at her hands, which still gripped the beam sabers. "Suddenly, I feel slightly under-armed."
"Kazuma, Kazuma!" Aqua said, tugging at his sleeve.
"Not now, Aqua, we've got to run!" Kazuma declared. "Maybe they won't notice us!"
Just then, one of the toads opened its mouth, and tongue as wide and long as a bullet train shot out at them. Kazuma acted without thinking, picking up Chris with the mecha, and using the jet to blast them out of the way. The other toad turned towards them though, and it's own tongue latched onto Kazuma in mid air, the sticky, slimy, smelly flesh wrapping around them.
"DAMN IT ALLLLLLL!" Kazuma wailed.
"KAZUMA! KAZUMA, USE THE SPECIAL SYSTEM!" Aqua wailed. "USE IT ON CHRIS!"
Not sure what else to do, Kazuma stabbed the earring button. Instantly, the mecha began to glow, and Kazuma gasped as his body was wretched around, engulfed in warm light. Chris cried out, while Aqua blubbered and Megumin shrieked in confusion.
A moment later though, Kazuma's vision cleared. The cockpit he was in was suddenly a bit larger, though Megumin and Aqua were no longer inside it. Instead, he was standing with his hands resting on a new control panel, the mecha having moved and twisted. Instead of being just over a meter tall, it was now easily over two meters, the head having shrunk, while a larger body grew around him.
"Kazuma! Get your hands off of- WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME!?" Chris demanded.
A second look at Kazuma's control panel, and he realized he was resting his hands on Chris's rear end. Her head was somewhere down near his feet, with her legs wrapped around his chest, her butt pressed rather tightly against Kazuma's-
"Um, this is a little embarrassing," Kazuma admitted, and lifted his hands off Chris.
Instantly, the mecha shuddered, and started to power down.
"Kazuma, Kazuma!" a muffled voice called, and there was a pounding on the top of Kazuma's head. He looked up to see Aqua perched on the top of his head, waving down through the visor. Megumin was clinging on to his back, but they were still being drawn in by the toad's tongue.
"You've merged! You should have access to all the systems of Chris's power armor, and the weapons too!" Aqua shouted, her voice still tinny. "Cut us free, before it eats us!"
"Um, sorry, Chris," Kazuma muttered.
"Don't you dare!" Chris gasped, but Kazuma rested his hands on her cheeks anyway. It was, after all, where the controls were.
The mecha responded immediately, reactivating. Kazuma used the attack command, then spun his twin beam sabers, slicing through the toad's tongue. The mecha started to fall as the toad bellowed in rage, but Kazuma activated his thrusters. He managed to land, and Aqua and Megumin scrambled off.
"Kazuma, let go of me RIGHT NOW!" Chris demanded, wriggling in a manner that was both very uncomfortable on one hand and deeply stimulating on the other.
"I could do that, but then the toads would eat us!" Kazuma snapped. "Do you want me to buy you dinner first, or just kill the damn kaiju!"
"I am going to KILL Aqua," Chris grumbled. "And to think, usually I'm the one trying to get her dates!"
"Relax, Eris, we'll scream at her together later," Kazuma promised, and took off running towards the wounded toad, which was till writhing in pain.
"Um, er, I would sort of- I know it's not much of a disguise, but I sort of have a betting pool going with the girls back at the base that she never figures this out, so, um, I'd appreciate it if-"
"Split the winnings 50-50 and I promise to never breathe a word of it," Kazuma agreed, jumping into the air and firing his thrusters, zooming towards the raging kaiju.
"70-30," Chris countered.
"60-40."
"70-30 and I promise not to file a sexual harrassment lawsuit!" Chris snapped. "And don't you dare try to deliberately feel me up!"
"Wouldn't dream of it," Kazuma said, drawing his hand back. "Keep your mind on the mission!"
"Same to you, Perv-zuma," Chris grumbled, then cried out.
Their bickering and shenanigans had distracted them both, and the toad sprang forward, its giant jaws clamping around the mecha's right arm.
"I can feel that!" Chris wailed. "Right arm, systems damaged! Servos freezing up- ARGH! I can feel the metal shearing! DO SOMETHING!"
Grunting, Kazuma ignited the beam saber inside of the toad's mouth, then swung the other one about, slashing its jaw. The mecha dropped, and Kazuma used the boosters to keep them from slamming into the ground.
"Toads are weak at the base of the spine, and the top of the head! That's where the fat is thinnest!" Chris said. "Ugh! I should be the damn pilot! I'm the one with actual experience!"
"Thanks for the info, the commentary is NOT NEEDED!" Kazuma screamed, and ignited the jets again, causing Chris to squirm as they shot up.
"F-fuel at 50%! 30%! TEN PERCENT, KAZUMA, WE'RE GOING TO-"
But Kazuma reached the apex of his flight, and used his good arm to stab into the toad's neck, the thick blubber holding them in place.
"Tell me the fuel charge status!" Kazuma ordered, grunting as he struggled to hold them in place as the toad shuddered, then shook in an attempt to dislodge them.
"15%...22%...30%...INCOMING!" Chris roared.
Kazuma looked up and away from the toad, and swore. He cut himself free with his other arm, the motion awkward and jerky from the damage, even as the other toad dove at them, biting at the neck of its companion. Kazuma got the mecha loose, but he was too late. The toad's maw engulfed them, and the mecha was awash in a sea of slime.
"EW EW EW EW! I can feel it all over me!" Chris wailed. "Kazuma, get us OUT!"
"Base of the spine…and top of the head," Kazuma muttered. Then he looked up. "What about the roof of the mouth?"
He ignited the jets, raising both beam sabers over his head and igniting them as they hit the thin layer of bone and cartilage at the roof of the moth, slashing his sabers about wildly. The cavernous mouth bucked and jerked, the mecha tumbling about, then spilling out with the toad's tongue as it sprawled on the ground. Kazuma got unsteadily to his feet, looking about. The other toad was bleeding from the bite at its neck, its mouth hanging open as its long tongue continued to bleed.
"Oh no," Chris groaned. "Please, no, don't-"
"Too late, doing it!" Kazuma gasped, and fired off the engine again, and they shot into the surprised amphiban's mouth. The same trick worked, but this time, the toad's mouth shut as it fell. Kazuma was forced to cut their way free, Chris groaning the entire time. After a few minutes though, he sliced open the dead behemoth's cheek, and crawled out, sprawling in a pool of slime.
"Dis…disengaging special system," Kazuma gasped, and jerked about as the mecha warped around him.
The next thing he knew, he was vomiting over the side of the mecha, the cockpit filled with pungent slime and blood. Chris lay groaning on the ground on the other side of him, still in her armor.
"You did it!" Aqua cheered, running over with Megumin at her side. "You killed two Giant Space Toads! I knew that system would work!"
Both of the other girls were, sadly, slime free.
"Come here, Aqua," Chris growled, slowly getting to her feet in her power armor. "I have a surprise for you."
"A surprise?" Aqua asked. "Is it bubbly? Wait, no, Chris, don't!"
"HOW ABOUT A HUG!" Chris snarled, and tackled the wailing Aqua with a bear hug. Soon, the supposed commander of the expedition was coated in toad slime, and Chris was cackling madly.
"Don't you dare," Megumin said, hefting her rocket launcher. "I have two more shots, and I'm not afraid to use them! I got grossed out enough by the tongue."
"Fine," Kazuma groaned, sliding out of the cockpit. "Is there anywhere I can wash this off?"
"Nope," Megumin said, shaking her head. "It's the dry season. Not a pool of water anywhere."
"WHAT!?" Aqua gasped, Chris finally letting her up. "I can't take a bath?! I'm FILTHY!"
"Nope. Sorry. And don't think of coming near me," Megumin threatened again.
"That's…that's…OOOO! FINE! THEN IT'S GOING TO RAIN!" Aqua snarled, jerking off her bandana and stalking away. "Kazuma! Don't you DARE follow me! Come on girls, we're showering in the rain."
"Hey, dumbass, it's the dry season," Kazuma said, shaking his head.
Just then, he heard a distant rumble. Swearing, Kazuma stood up, reaching for the mecha. "Chris, get ready!"
"Oh, I am. You wash off my suit," Chris ordered, climbing out of her power armor. "I'm going to make Aqua wash my back. Ugh. Even with a shower, I'll stink for days."
"What are you two talking about?" Megumin asked. "How could you-"
There was another rumble, and a wet drop hit Kazuma's cheek. He looked up, blinking, as dark clouds formed overhead. "Dry season, huh?"
"Shouldn't rain for months," Megumin said, sounding stunned as more drops began to hit the earth, sending up splatters of mud.
"Hey…aren't we in a lake bed?" Kazuma asked, looking about.
"Um…" Megumin suddenly turned and began sprinting for high ground.
Swearing, Kazuma got in the slime-filled mecha, then ran around the side of the dead toad.
Chris and Aqua were already down to their underwear, and still stripping, and both goggled at Kazuma as the rain began to pound.
"PERV-ZUMA! WHAT ARE YOU-"
"WE'RE IN A LAKE BED YOU TWITS, AND IT'S RAINING!" Kazuma ranted. "RUN FOR THE HILLS!"
They managed to get the power armor, along with the mini-mecha and themselves to high ground, but the rest of their supplies were lost in the rain.
"Sometimes, you are just the worst water goddess, you know that?" Chris told Aqua as they washed in the muddy water while thunder rumbled and rain pounded.
"It's still better than toad slime," Aqua grumbled. "And besides, it's just nano-machines."
"Hmph. Well, I guess that mecha is impressive," Chris grumbled as she washed Aqua's back. She perked up suddenly. "Hey, can you make me one?"
"Not like that one, all my jobs are custom! But I'm sure I can come up with something when we find a town," Aqua told her. "Turn around, I'll wash your back. Ugh. I can't believe I'm using my vacation days for this…worst spa ever."
That made Chris smirk in satisfaction. At least one of them was having fun.