Total Drama All-Stars Rewritten: Episode 4
RATED TV-14
This episode contains material that may be inappropriate for viewers under the age of 14. Viewer discretion is advised.
Saving Private Paintball
(Recap)
Chris: Last time on Total Drama All Stars, our heroes and villains went digging for puzzle pieces, and discovered a few surprises. Heh heh heh! Scott villained himself up bigtime, trying to sabotage the heroes! But when he got caught, he didn't handle it very well. There was some extreme crossfire going on between the female villains. And Max just could not live up to his villainous title. In the end, the Heroic Hamsters were victorious once again, leaving the Villainous Vultures still winless. And Max got the heave ho for being a pain in the ass and trying to brainwash his whole team with a piece of crap invention. Can the villains put an end to their losing streak? Can the heroes stay undefeated? And will my takeout dinner EVER get here?! Find out tonight on a brand-new exciting episode of TOTAL! DRAMA! ALL-STARS!
(Theme song)
Dear mom and dad, I'm doing fine
You guys are on my mind
You asked me what I wanted to be, now I think the answer is plain to see
I wanna be famous!
I wanna live close to the sun
Well pack your bags 'cause I've already won
Everything to prove nothing in my way
I'll get there one day
'Cause I wanna be famous!
Na, na, na-na-na-na, na-na-na, na, na-na-na-na
I wanna be, I wanna be, I wanna be famous!
I wanna be, I wanna be, I wanna be famous!
(Whistling)
(later that night, after Max had gone, the Villainous Vultures are back in the loser cabin for losing the last challenge. The guys are getting settled in)
Duncan: Ugh. I'm getting sick of these crappy cabins.
Alejandro: (sighs) Let us hope this will be our FINAL visit.
(Lightning tries to get comfortable, but can't)
Lightning: Come on bed, be softer for Lightning! (he punches the mattress a few times, but the bed breaks!) Oh well! I'll just sleep on another bed! (he flips up to a top bunk) Ahh.
Alejandro: (confessional) He is so arrogant. I might understand it if he had this face, but he does not have this face!
Lightning: (confessional) Arrogant? Be fair now. Look at me. (flexes) Sha-YEAH!
Scott: I just wish I could witness how rich people live so that I can complain about how everything I like sucks! (his bed collapses on top of him!) AAHHHHH! Lousy discount bed! (he has wood and nails lodged into his hand and a metal spring stuck in his eye!) AAAHHHHHHHH!
Duncan: (confessional) Soctt's okay. At least with him, you know what to expect. Which is crap. Still, nice to know.
Duncan: At least we don't have to listen to that loser wannabe anymore. (mocks him) I AM EVIL! AND I WILL RULE THE WORLD! (they laugh)
Mal: What an imbecile.
Duncan: (nervous) Uh...yeah. (confessional) I'm onto this guy. I don't like him one bit.
Alejandro: Well, goodnight gentlemen. (he and the other male villains go to sleep)
Alejandro: (confessional) After 2 long years in that robot suit, I find it difficult to sleep if I'm all spread out. Comprendé?
(on the girl's side of the cabin, Courtney, Heather and Jo are arguing)
Heather: (angry) Thanks again for blowing another challenge, Jo!
Jo: (angry) Me?! It was you and Crooked back over there who were wasting time arguing instead of digging!
Courtney: (angry) Well, we WOULD have won if we had just did what I said, which was dig in quadrants!
Heather: (angry) For the last time Courtney, that idea sucks! And I wouldn't have needed to argue if everyone just did what I said! Ugh!
Scarlett: (angry) SILENCE! Everyone is to blame for the loss due to lack of chemistry, cooperation, and maturity! Now can we please get some shuteye?! (confessional) I cannot bear it any longer. Bunking with the Bickersons, Heather, Jo and Courtney, is driving me up the wall! (growls angrily) Children.
(meanwhile in the spa hotel, the Heroic Hamsters are settling in for the night. Sierra is lying down on her bed, on her smartphone. She is looking at a picture of Cody)
Sierra: (to herself) Oh, Codykins. I wish you could see this. I've made some new friends, and helped win us 2 challenges so far. You'd be so proud. Sweet dreams. (she blows a kiss and plugs her phone into the wall so it can charge. Then she goes to sleep like a cat! Gwen raises an eyebrow)
Gwen: (confessional) Sierra equals loyalty multiplied by crazy to the power of 10. Mind you, she and I were teammates in season 3.
(Shawn and Jasmine lie down on their beds next to each other)
Shawn: (stretches) Ohhh yeah. This is totally how I picture the sleeping quarters of my zombie proof bunker.
Jasmine: (smiles) I hope splitting the money with me will make all your wishes come true.
Shawn: Oh, they will. If I win, I get the girl, the money, and the bunker.
Jasmine: And if I win, I get the guy, and the flower shop/cage fighting school.
Zoey: You want to open a flower shop and cage fighting school? That sounds great! I hope things go well for you.
Jasmine: Thanks mate! I'll call it, "Roses are red, bruises are blue!"
Cameron: That's a clever title!
Brick: Agreed!
Jasmine: (smiles) Thanks.
Lindsay: I wonder how Omar is doing on that spooky island.
Cameron: Uh, Owen? And Boney Island.
Lindsay: Oh right! I hope he's doing okay.
Geoff: Meh, the guy is a human brick wall! I'm sure he could squash flat any animal that tries to eat him.
(on Boney Island, Owen is quietly snooping around, looking for the invincibility statue)
Owen: (tiptoeing, whispers) Here statue statue statue! Papa Owen wants a taste of your dark chocolate! (Suddenly, he farts, waking up a pack of bears! The bears growl as they corner him) AAAHHHHHHHHHH! Okay, funny Izzy! (the bears roar as they chase him in the wilderness! Then, he trips over a tree root!) OW I LANDED ON MY KEYS! (Then, the bears attack him!) OH COME ON!
(back in the hotel)
Sky: Well, goodnight team!
Heroes: Goodnight! (They all go to sleep)
(later that night, in the loser cabin, Courtney is tossing and turning in her sleep. She begins to dream)
Dream Courtney: How could you think it was okay to just, leave like that? Because it was NOT! UGH! Abandon me again and it will NOT be pretty!
Dream Duncan: I don't care princess. You and me are over. (Dream Courtney gasps! Dream Gwen comes in)
Dream Gwen: Dunky!
Dream Duncan: Pasty! (they start making out)
Dream Courtney: DUNCAN! HOW COULD YOU?!
Dream Duncan: Happy landings, ex-wifey! (He pushes her out of the plane!)
Dream Courtney: (falling) NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (she falls to her death! Suddenly, Courtney wakes up! She tries to catch her breath as the other female villains are still asleep)
Courtney: (confessional) Oh my gosh! It was all my fault! I was a terrible girlfriend! If I keep behaving like this, they'll hate me forever! I have to talk to them before it's too late!
(the next morning, the Heroic Hamsters are eating breakfast)
Geoff: (eating) Dude, this grub is rad! It's like, the best meal I've had at all on this show!
Jasmine: I hear that mate! This tops foraging for food every morning!
Shawn: Agreed! No trace of zombie virus in this recipe!
Brick: Now I know what living like a millionaire feels like.
(Sky giggles and blushes)
Gwen: Mmm! This toast is so good! I wonder who actually cooks the meals in here. Chef, maybe? (Laughs)
Cameron: That is a definite possibility. Chances are Chef is a legitimate good cook, but pretends to cook poorly for the sake of torture to us campers.
Zoey: That...actually sounds accurate.
Sky: It does!
Lindsay: These eggs are so yummy!
Cameron: Yeah, I can hypothesize that Chef prepares ALL the meals. Good and bad.
(The other Heroes agree. Then, they all smuggle food in their pockets for Owen.)
Chris: (loudspeaker) Good morning campers! It's almost time for today's exciting challenge! Meet me at the campfire pit in 20 minutes!
(the teams are walking to the challenge area to meet Chris. Courtney looks at Duncan with a look of worry in her eyes)
Courtney: (confessional) I know what I have to do but, how can I word it in a way he'll understand and accept my apology? (takes a deep breath) I just have to do it. It's do or die!
Duncan: (confessional) I hope Courtney understands what she did to me was cold. That's why I ran off to Gwen. Okay, so having a closet relationship behind my then-girlfriend's back was a bad idea. I should probably have a word with princess before things get too heavy.
(Heather notices Courtney looking at Duncan and grins evilly)
Heather: (confessional) Did you see the way Courtney was looking at Duncan? There is certainly something fishy going on, and I'm finding out what! After all, this is my team.
Heather: (to Courtney) You seem concerned about Duncan there, Courtney.
Courtney: Don't even think about it Heather! Whatever it is doesn't concern you!
Alejandro: Perhaps I can assist.
Courtney: You, Alejandro?
Alejandro: Sí. You're probably hurting from the love triangle scandal from season 3, aren't you?
Courtney: How did you know?
Alejandro: It's an educated guess. My point being, you mustn't keep your feelings hidden inside. Let them all out or you will eat yourself from the inside out. (Confessional) I have a sneaking suspicion that Heather is trying to ally with Courtney. But I intend to beat her to it! Then I'll be the one Heather needs! (Pause) Uh, and Courtney. Heather AND Courtney. (Chuckles)
(Mal eavesdrops on everything)
Mal: (confessional) I must find out more about what is taking place there. There's a connection between Courtney, Duncan, Heather and Alejandro. (evilly) I must learn more.
(the teams meet Chris at the campfire pit)
Chris: Morning campers! Are you ready for today's EXTREME CLASSIC CHALLENGE!
Brick: (salutes) Reporting for duty, sir!
Chris: Good answer. Before we kick off, let's welcome back exiled Hamster, Owen! (he has some minor scars)
Sierra: Hi Owen!
Geoff: How was Boney Island, dude?
Owen: Well, it was okay. The bears were a bit of a problem, and Sasquatchanakwa too. I couldn't find the statue thingy.
Geoff: No sweat dude! We smuggled you breakfast! (the Heroes give their smuggled food to him)
Owen: (gasps) Eggs! Bacon! Toast! You guys are awesome! (he shovels everything into his mouth at once)
Brick: Gotta keep your strength up, teammate!
Owen: (confessional) Spending a whole night on Boney Island by myself was like, wandering in the woods with Izzy during that psycho killer challenge. I remember it like it was yesterday. So scary!
Chris: Okay, today's challenge is centered on survival, as it's an ingenious twist of the war movie challenge from season 2, as well as the paintball deer hunt from season 1.
Brick: Ha! A war challenge? I will not disappoint!
Jo: Oh no you don't Brick for brains! I beat you so many times, and I won't hesitate to beat you again!
Brick: (angry) Not today, Jo! (they growl at each other)
Lightning: Sha-please! Lightning is gonna crush all of you like bugs! (he laughs smugly and flexes. Lindsay looks at him and blushes)
Chris: (annoyed) AHEM! If I may continue...there are 2 weapon crates in the heart of the woods. The larger crate is loaded with state-of-the-art paintball weaponry. The smaller crate is loaded with less potent slingshots. Whoever gets there first gets first dibs. (the Villains grin evilly) And then, you get to pick off the competition. (the Heroes look at each other with worry)
Jo: (looking evilly at Brick) Looking forward to it.
Brick: (glaring back at Jo) I second that.
Chris: You get points for each opponent you hit. The team with the most points at the end wins. And the losers will send someone home tonight. Oh, and I was planning on using leeches as your ammunition, but under the conditions of my parole and probation, I'm not allowed to use hazardous projectiles like leeches. So we will be using traditional paintballs. It'll be a nice game of paintball! (Some of the players are relieved, while others aren't so thrilled)
Owen: (confessional) When I did the paintball deer hunt challenge first season, I didn't handle it very well. I got into a little mishap with DJ and Duncan and the other Killer Bass. I took it a little literally. But hey, getting into the mood was nice.
Scott: (confessional) This challenge should be a breeze. My Pappy was in the Army and taught me a few things there is to know about it. Besides, have you seen the other team? What a bunch of babies!
Duncan: (evilly) Ohhh, this is gonna be fun! Time to go Marine! HOOAH!
Chris: As the winners of the last challenge, the Heroes get a 1-minute head start. (the Heroes cheer and the Villains groan) Ready? Go! (the Heroes set off into the woods)
Heather: You know who can outrun the Hamsters even with a head start? This guy! (points at Lightning)
Lightning: Huh? Oh yeah! Them slowpokes ain't no match for me! I AM speed! I'm faster than fast, I'm quicker than quick, I am Lightning! Sha-bam!
Jo: You're not so quick on the brains, sha-doofus.
(Jo and Lightning growl at each other)
Alejandro: Por favor, we needn't worry. We will still prevail.
Mal: (evilly) Yes, yes. Our chance to enjoy the taste of hot vengeance will come in no time.
(Alejandro looks at Mal suspiciously)
Alejandro: (confessional) Mal is like no other villain on the team. I must lay low and monitor that sly fox so I can see what he might be planning.
Chris: Villains, you're up in 3, 2, 1, go! (the Villains take off!)
(meanwhile, the Heroes are taking advantage of their head start)
Jasmine: Come on mates! Faster!
Brick: Double time soldiers! Move! Move! Move!
Shawn: (confessional) Paintball is part of my zombie training regime back home. Same with laser tag. I like to pretend my opponents are the zombies so I can unleash a rapid-fire barrage!
Sierra: Does anyone know where the heart of the woods is exactly?
Zoey: Leave it to me!
Sky: Me too! (They gracefully leap into the trees as their teammates watch in awe)
Gwen: (confessional) Man, they're good!
Zoey: That was amazing! How did you do that?
Sky: I spent many years training for the Olympics! I'm gifted in track, field, gymnastics, and martial arts!
Zoey: Wow! That's cool! I found my physical gifts...by accident. (giggles)
Sky: What do you mean?
Zoey: It's a long story. I'll explain later. Hey! There it is!
Jasmine: Nice job girls!
Owen: WOO HOO!
Gwen: Nice going!
Geoff: That was gnar-gnar! Go Heroes! (they run towards the clearing. Meanwhile, the Villains are going their own way. Scarlett spots the Heroes ahead)
Scarlett: They're going left. If we take another path, we can cut them off.
Jo: (annoyed) Whatever, Velma.
Heather: Fine.
Scarlett: (stern) It's SCARLETT.
Jo: Don't care, 4 eyes. We've lost 2 challenges already and we're not about to lose 3 on account of you animals failing to follow orders of your leader!
Heather: And by leader, you mean me!
Jo: No, me!
Heather: Me!
Jo: I have the most skill on this team!
Heather: But I have the most experience!
Villains: SHUT UP!
Alejandro: Scarlett does have a point. We can use the element of surprise.
Duncan: Now you're speaking my language dude! Stealth is key to escaping prison. Quiet and undetected.
Jo: (sarcastic) Sure, jailbird.
Mal: He's not wrong. For I was in juvie too. (snickers evilly)
Duncan: (confessional/shudders) What did I tell you about Mal? Evil! Evil! Hear it simple!
Duncan: (uncertain) Ehh...right. Let's just go!
Alejandro: Aye! Vamanos! Rapido! Andele! (they run off together)
Heather: (confessional) What's with all the damn teamwork going on here?! Unless I'm the one in control, nothing ever gets done.
Lindsay: How exactly do you play paintball again? I think I remember playing it once, but I forgot.
Cameron: Simple really. Use a paintball weapon to shoot paintballs at your opponents.
Sierra: Yeah! It's a fun game! Except for when you get hit with a paintball.
Cameron: Yeah, I hear they hurt really bad on impact.
Lindsay: Wow, who knew paint could hurt so much?
Sierra: Don't worry! We can handle those dastardly scoundrels!
Cameron: (confessional) Sierra and I have something in common, we're both super smart. Although we can also be a bit socially oblivious sometimes. (knock knock)
Sierra: (from outside) Cameron! What are you doing in there?
Cameron: See? My point exactly.
(meanwhile, the Heroes reach the clearing where the crates are)
Gwen: There they are!
Jasmine: Take the big one!
(suddenly, Lightning appears out of nowhere!)
Lightning: Surprise!
Geoff: Whoa, where did he come from?
(the other Villains appear next to Lightning! Heather blows a raspberry at the Heroes)
Mal: (evilly) Soon you will all taste the sour conception of defeat. (he snickers evilly as Zoey is worried at first, but plucks up courage)
Zoey: Not if we make you taste it first, Mal! (sighs) We'll just have to settle for the low-tech crate.
Jasmine: Whatever. We'll just have to make the best of it. (they open the crate and find slingshots and paintballs)
Lindsay: (confused) These are paintball guns? I thought we were going to get little itty bitty paintball guns.
Cameron: Uh, no. These are slingshots.
Lindsay: Oh. So how do you use these?
Jasmine: Easy. Just put a paintball into this pocket, pull back, and let go! Got it?
Lindsay: I think so.
Jasmine: Good!
(the Villains cheer as they claim the big crate)
Heather: Way to go Lightning!
Alejandro: Sí! Muy bien! Thanks to your speed, we gained the upper hand!
Lightning: Ha! Told y'all you need the Lightning! Sha-victory is ours! (Jo rolls her eyes angrily)
Jo: (confessional) Okay, jock strap has GOT to go! But I'm not going to throw a challenge just to vote him off like what farm boy did in season 4. We can't tolerate another night in that (censored) cabin!
(Lightning punches the crate open and they find gatling guns and a cannon!)
Villains: (except Alejandro, Courtney and Scarlett/in unison) I got the cannon! No, I got it! UGH!
Alejandro: SILENCE! We use it as a unit, for we are a pack.
Scarlett: Precisely. That is the only way we will win any challenges. To set aside our conflicts and COOPERATE AS A TEAM! There is no I in team, after all.
Heather: (confessional/teasing) Al and Velma in an alliance together? Jinkies, who would have seen that coming? (laughs)
Jo: (confessional) A pack? Yeah right! I am the leader of this so-called pack! The sooner they accept and respect that, the better!
Alejandro: Fire the cannon!
(Duncan fires the cannon, and it fires a giant paintball! It splatters all over an intern!)
Duncan: Uhh...Jo did it! (chuckles innocently)
Heather: (sarcastic) Nice shot! Next time, OPEN YOUR DAMN EYES WHEN FIRING, YOU PIECE OF (CENSORED)!
Chris: Quite a start for the Villains eh? Can they end their pathetic losing streak? Or will the Heroes prevail and win 3 in a row? All these answers and more coming up!
(commercial break)
(meanwhile, the Heroes are walking in the woods with their paintball gear)
Owen: How will we beat the Villains if they have the machine guns and we have these teeny tiny slingshots?
Lindsay: Yeah! These things don't have the power that those big guns have!
Cameron: There is one way we can beat the Villains.
Lindsay: How?
Cameron and Sierra: If we're stealthy and score first! (they high five)
Shawn: Stealth is my middle name! Besides, I use these as part of my zombie training! I like to pelt zombie shaped targets with rocks!
Geoff: Ohh, that's sweet dude! (confessional) We got so many gifted assets on our team! Shawn and Jasmine have awesome survival skills, Zoey and Sky are like, professional acrobats, and Brick is a real soldier! We're like a dream team! WOO HOO!
Sky: Perfect! We should split up. We'll cover the most ground that way.
Brick: (salutes) I like your thinking, ma'am. (Sky giggles and blushes)
Gwen: Right. And we should find the Villains before they find us.
Jasmine: Sky, Zoey, Shawn and I can handle stealthy force maneuvers. (The 4 heroes gracefully spring up into the trees and swing and flip with ease!)
Geoff: (confessional) Dream team all the way dude! WOO!
Gwen: (confessional) I'm so glad I'm on the Heroes team. Everyone cooperating and working things out like mature adults, it's just amazing. Especially that Heather and I are on different teams for once. Peace at last!
Geoff: And...break! (the Heroes all split up)
(Meanwhile, the Villains are wheeling the cannon)
Scarlett: Wheeling the cannon makes us far too vulnerable out here. I reckon we leave it behind.
Jo: Absolutely not! I haven't had a chance to fire it yet!
Courtney: Never mind the cannon! We should split up.
Scarlett: Finally. You're starting to come around. And I agree. We may be down 2 players, but there is still enough of us to cover the entire perimeter of the region.
Alejandro: In that case, I'll go with Courtney.
Heather: No way José! I'll go with Courtney!
Alejandro: (angry) I would prefer if you do NOT mention that name in my presence!
Heather: (teases) Aw, why not? Is it your big brother's name? Too afraid you're not as good as he is? (laughs)
Alejandro: (stern) Do...not...push it.
Scarlett: Enough! It does not matter who travels with who. Spreading out in the woods so that we can pick off the Heroes before they pick us off is the utmost importance! No...more...bickering! Capiche?
Jo: (mocking) Jinkies, look at that! We made Velma angry! (Scarlett gets up in her face with an evil stare)
Scarlett: (threatening) You WILL cooperate and be an equal member of this team, or else!
Jo: (unamused) Or else what?
Scarlett: (threatening) Do you really want the answer?
Jo: (confessional) 4 eyes thinks she can talk on my level. Yeah right. If she thinks she can disobey the leader, she's in for it! (Cracks her knuckles)
Scarlett: (confessional) We have lost 2 consecutive challenges already. If we keep behaving this way, our team will cease to exist.
(later, the teams have split up and are venturing through the woods. Heather is tiptoeing her way so she can stay quiet)
Heather: (confessional) Things were going okay, I guess. The last time I did the paintball challenge on this show, I might have lost my cool a bit, and we lost the challenge. But now I think I can handle it.
Heather: (spots Zoey in the distance) Ahh, first victim to be painted a new color. (She snickers evilly as she takes aim. Then, POW! She gets hit from behind by Jasmine!) Ouch! Who was that?!
Jasmine: Gotcha mate! (chuckles)
(Heather growls as Jasmine disappears. Meanwhile, Lindsay is traveling with Sky. As they are searching for their opponents, Lightning is running)
Lightning: Sha-bam! Lightning is gonna...wait a minute. Paint? I thought this was a challenge! Not art class!
Lindsay: (to Sky) Uh...how do I use these things again?
Sky: (kindly) It's easy. You put your paintball in the pocket like this.
Lindsay: Uh huh?
Sky: Then, you pull it back and let go! (she hits Lightning) See? If we were using guns, you simply curl your finger around the trigger and pull.
Lightning: AHHH! Lightning's been hit! Lightning is a superstar! Not the damn Mona Lisa!
(Sky and Lindsay hide and laugh together)
Lindsay: (laughing) That was funny!
Sky: (laughing) I know right! Now you try! Just like I showed you.
(Lindsay takes careful aim and POW! She hits Lightning again!)
Lightning: Sha-OUCH! Lightning will turn your ass into...into...hmm...Lightning's gonna find you! (he runs away to find them. Sky and Lindsay stay hidden. They are laughing)
Lindsay: (confessional) Okay, that Lightning guy is like, so funny! He makes me laugh! (Laughs)
Sky: (confessional/laughing) OMG, what a meathead! Muscles the size of tree trunks, and a brain the size of a pea! Beating him and embarrassing him like that is so much fun!
(Meanwhile, Brick is silently maneuvering through the woods when suddenly, he bumps into Jo! They glare and growl at each other)
Brick: (angry) Jo!
Jo: (smug) Brick!
Brick: (angry) You have humiliated me for the last time!
Jo: (smug) I think not, soggy drawers! I'm just getting started!
Brick: (angry) Not if I whoop your ass first!
Jo: (smug) Wow, look at you! You're king of bullsh- (censored) world! Guess what, this is the real world! And in the real world, gatling guns trump slingshots every time! (laughs) Bring it on, (censored)!
(The 2 rivals fire shots at each other, and they dodge them all! Then, Sky swings down from a tree to aid Brick)
Sky: Brick! I'm here to help!
Jo: (smug) Well well well! Look who it is! Hobbit girl!
Sky: (angry) You'll pay for that one, coach! (Brick and Sky unleash a barrage of shots at Jo, and she dodges them all!)
Jo: (smug) Come on, hit me! Do I not bleed?
(Sky and Brick fire more shots at Jo, and she dodges left and right!)
Jo: (laughs smugly) Wow, you must be agent 00, licensed to miss.
(This triggered Brick and made him madder than ever! Without a word, he flip kicks Jo's weapon high into the air! He leaps up and grabs it! Then, he points it an inch away from Jo's head! He fires many rounds of paintballs onto Jo! She is caked with paint!)
Brick: (smug) Ta-da! This painting belongs in the museum of shame and humiliation! (Sky giggles)
Jo: (in angry defeat) This isn't the end! (she runs away)
Brick: (to Sky/salutes) Thanks for the assist, teammate!
Sky: (blushes heavily) Anytime. (They smile at each other)
Brick: (confessional) It's about time Jo got her just desserts!
Sky: (confessional) Brick and Jo must have butted heads a lot when they competed together. Welp, no matter what happens, I'll be there to help my team when they need it. (She blushes)
(Scott is wandering about on his own)
Scott: (confessional) My pappy taught me how to hunt for rats in our kitchen. Okay, so I used a baseball bat instead of a gun, but point is, I could win this petty game with my eyes shut!
(Trying to be stealthy, Owen is crawling through the woods)
Owen: (to himself) The soldier is one with his environment. Aware of all the odds that are against him in the war between good and evil. (He sees Scott) Suddenly, our hero spots an enemy soldier in the clearing. (He hides in a bush) If he's to eliminate his target, the soldier must- (suddenly, he farts! This catches Scott's attention!)
Scott: (sniffs) Bacon. (He turns and points his gun at the bush where Owen is hiding) Show yourself! (Owen doesn't come out) Fine! (He digs into the bush, and drags Owen out of his hiding place) Gotcha, porky!
Owen: (nervous) Uh...the soldier knows that his target will stay put, paralyzed in fear...and respect...the enemy cannot outwit the hero!
Scott: (unamused) What are you talking about?
Owen: (nervous) Uh... (Scott gives him a threatening stare) Come on now dude! Let's talk about this! (Scott shoves his gun into Owen's face! POW POW POW! He pelts him with paint! Owen sees stars as he falls over) Ouch! Ouch! And double ouches!
Scott: (smug) Send a bill to the office! (He laughs smugly as he runs away)
Owen: (dazed) But ma...Izzy did it!
Scott: (confessional) What a doofus! (Laughs)
(Meanwhile, Courtney and Gwen unknowingly back up right into each other! They gasp! Then they hide behind trees)
Courtney: (to herself) Oh no! Gwen! What do I do? I can't hurt her again! Otherwise the consequences like I saw in my dream last night would come to life! What do I do? Think, think!
Gwen: (to herself) Not Courtney! She hates me! If I pelt her with paint, she'll want to eat me alive and pick her teeth with my bones! I have to get out of here! (Before either of them can think about running away, POW! Gwen gets hit by Heather, and Courtney by Jasmine!)
Courtney: Ouch! You're a lawsuit waiting to happen!
Gwen: Ow! That hurt!
Heather: Now that's why I chose to be a bad guy! (Laughs evilly)
Jasmine: Another kookaburra on the barbie! (Chuckles)
Shawn: Nice shot Jasmine!
Jasmine: Thanks Shawn! (Then, she looks over her shoulder and spots Mal) Enemy target at 6 o'clock! (Mal fires shots at them, but they leap into the trees to get out of the way)
Mal: Damn! They were right where I wanted them too. (Then, he spots Zoey with Cameron) Ah, the perfect balloons of hope for me to pop.
Cameron: Zoey, I think the only way to bring the Mike we know and love back is to defeat this new evil personality of his.
Zoey: I guess you're right. (Suddenly, she spots him) There he is! Cam, take cover! I'll take care of the evil menace! (Zoey and Mal face off alone. Then, they fire shots at each other! They dodge left and right! Then, Zoey pelts Mal in the face with paint!) That was for Mike! Wherever he is, he WILL beat you! Ya hear me?! And I was just warming up! (She leaps into the trees out of sight)
Mal: (confessional) Zoey has just called down the thunder, and the melee has only just begun!
(Later, Geoff is quietly sneaking through the woods with Sierra)
Sierra: (hallucinating) Cody? Is that you?
Geoff: Huh? No, it's me, Geoff!
Sierra: (snaps out of it) Oh, sorry Geoff. I still miss my Codykins! So much!
Geoff: I know you miss Cody, but we gotta focus! Those villains could drench us with paint like we're blank easels!
Sierra: Oooh, I love painting!
Geoff: This is paintball.
Sierra: Oh yeah. (Laughs)
(Then, Alejandro appears in front of them, standing on his hands)
Alejandro: Ah, Geoff. Where's your faithful Bridgette?
Geoff: Alejandro! This is for World Tour when you tried to steal her from me! (He and Sierra fire a paintball barrage onto Alejandro! Alejandro dodges their shots, even with paralyzed legs!)
Alejandro: Your poor technique and meatheadedness could be the reason Bridgette fell for me. Face it. No one will ever be as good with the ladies as Alejandro Burromuerto! (Laughs smugly)
Geoff: (angry) Oh, that's the last damn straw! You can diss my hat, my hair, and even my abs, but NOBODY disses my relationship with MY girl! Take that! (He fires shot after shot at Alejandro, drenching him from head to toe in blue paint!)
Alejandro: (confessional/blue) He may have disfigured my body, but my spirit and my dignity remain intact. And the poor fellow could not understand that Bridgette fell for me all on her own. Pitiful.
Geoff: (confessional) You hear me Al?! This is only the beginning! I'm not finished with you!
(Duncan is out on his own when he finds Alejandro, still covered in paint)
Duncan: (laughs rudely) Tough break, buddy! (laughs)
Alejandro: Enough nonsense. I saw Geoff and Sierra flee that way.
Duncan: Gnarly. What do you say we partner up and drench some losers?
(Heather appears)
Heather: Nice try, jailbird! But Alejandro is going with me! Got it?
Duncan: Hey, what gives? I called dibs on him before- (POW! He gets hit from behind by Gwen!) Ow! Who did that?!
(Gwen giggles quietly as she stays out of sight. Then, POW! POW! She hit Heather and Alejandro before they could get away!)
Heather: OW! Who's the (censored) who just dug their own grave?!
Alejandro: (still covered in paint) Ay! Donde estan mis pantalones?
(Gwen blows a raspberry from her hiding place and runs away)
Gwen: (confessional/laughing) I couldn't help it! I wanted to do that to Heather for 4 seasons now! And Duncan is hilarious when he gets mad like that! (Laughs) And did you hear Alejandro? Priceless! (She falls over from laughing so hard)
(Scarlett is sneakily crawling through the bushes, out of sight. She is still frustrated that her team refuses to cooperate. Then, she spots Owen)
Scarlett: (quietly) Okay my little bucket of badness, time to play Picasso! (POW POW POW! She unknowingly hit Owen with paint!)
Owen: OW! WHY THE PRIVATE?! I'M SORRY COLONEL, I FAILED YOU! (He runs away wailing)
(In the confessional, Scarlett is laughing hysterically)
(That's when Duncan spots Owen. He comes out of hiding to confront him)
Owen: Duncan! Long time no see!
Duncan: (evilly) Oh yeah, a VERY long time.
Owen: (nervous) Dude, come on now! You wouldn't hit your old buddy, would ya?
Duncan: It's tempting, but we're in war now. I'm a Marine and you're the beast the Marine shoots at! And your ass is about to be turned into a green smoked ham, with eggs on the side!
Owen: (covering his kiwis) AAAHHHHHHHHHH! You wouldn't!
Duncan: Sorry. (He shoots Owen with more paint) Nothing personal, tubby! (He runs away) Pleasure doing business with ya! HOOAH!
Owen: (confessional) This private just isn't cut out for a life of war.
(Meanwhile, Scott runs into Courtney)
Courtney: Oh, hi farm boy. Bag any loser heroes?
Scott: The biggest, easiest one there was. (Laughs smugly)
Courtney: You must mean Owen.
Scott: Is that his name? Either way, I painted his overgrown ass a new shade of grey! (Courtney giggles)
Courtney: (confessional) That guy Scott is kinda cute, but in a sloppy, rustic sort of way. Like a shack with nice curtains. Or a donkey wearing a wig! (Smiles)
Scott: (confessional/tossing a rock) That girl Courtney is okay, I guess. She does have a bit of a superiority complex, you saw how she was trying to dictate the team. I mean, I don't mind taking orders, since Pappy is in the Army and mama is a waitress, but I'm still my own man! (His rock hits him in the face) Ow!
Courtney: I wonder how much longer until this twisted game is over.
Scott: I hope we get to keep playing, I have more losers to soften up for my soufflé of pain.
Courtney: (smiles nervously) Uh, yeah. (Suddenly, Jasmine and Shawn jump out and surprise them!)
Shawn: Surprise!
Jasmine: G'day mates!
Scott: Back, you filthy critters!
Jasmine: (smug) You're the only filthy critter here, mate! (She pelts him with paint)
Scott: Ow!
Courtney: Scott! Are you okay?
Scott: Yeah yeah, stop your whining! I'm insured! (He fires back at Jasmine, hitting her with paint)
Jasmine: Ow! That'll leave a mark!
Scott: (smug/acts) Oh, I did a bad thing! (Chuckles evilly)
Shawn: Two can play that game, weasel! (He dodges Courtney's shots and fires at Scott, hitting him!)
Scott: Ow! Knock it off! Only villains get to shoot at people! (To the camera) Excuse me writer, are you TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE?!
Courtney: (confused) Huh?
Jasmine: Now hold still, you look like you need a new coat of paint! (She blasts Courtney with paint!)
Courtney: Blechhh!
Jasmine: (smug) Everyone's gotta go sometime! (Chuckles)
Courtney: Oh, scum off, bat bag! I mean...oh, never mind.
(Later, the game ends)
Chris: (loudspeaker) Attention paintballers! Please report back to the campground! It's time to show your hides once again and tally up the score!
(Everyone meets Chris at the cabins. Most of them are drenched in paint)
Chris: Well, what an exciting day this turned out to be, eh? I've never seen so many competitive rivalries all in a 10 square mile radius! Now that is ratings gold! Heh heh heh! But, since more of the Villains are dripping in paint than the Heroes, I think we have a winner! The Heroic Hamsters! (They cheer as the Villains groan in defeat)
Gwen: (happy) YES! 3 nights in a row at the spa!
Lindsay: YAY!
Chris: Villains, see you at the bonfire tonight. Again. (Heather and Jo glare at each other)
(That evening, before the ceremony, Duncan is sitting on the porch of the loser cabin when Courtney comes over and sits next to him)
Courtney: (nervous) Uh, Duncan? We need to talk.
Duncan: (rolls eyes) Princess, I'm off the market.
Courtney: (nervous) No, that's not what this is about. I wanted to say, I'm sorry.
Duncan: (surprised) What?
Courtney: I'm sorry. For the way I treated you. I was a terrible, terrible girlfriend. I was too caught up in my pride and trying to win the competition that...I took our relationship for granted. And...I was a little jealous of Gwen and I got carried away with teaching you a lesson. It was wrong of me to do. I feel so full of guilt. Can you forgive me?
Duncan: You know what Court? I can. And I will.
Courtney: (smiles) Really?
Duncan: Yeah. Because I'm sorry too. I was a crappy boyfriend. The way I cheated on you with Gwen, it was wrong. Like you said, you were so abusive that I took the coward's way out. And I was obsessed with trying to make you suffer. It was pretty dumb of me to do. And I'm sorry I called you a monster and a horrible person.
Courtney: Yeah. It's okay. And honestly, I really missed Gwen. I don't want her to keep living her life feeling afraid of me. Poor thing, she must be miserable about this giant scandal.
Duncan: Yeah, I hear ya. So...we're good now?
Courtney: (smiles) Yes, you and I are good. Duncan, I think you and I will be the best of exes. (they hug each other, smiling)
Duncan: (confessional) Wow, Courtney actually living up to her own mistakes and me admitting mine at the same time? I'm impressed.
Courtney: (confessional) I'm so happy I made up with Duncan! And now, I'm okay with him dating Gwen. Now that we have broken up properly. Now I just have to talk to Gwen. Once I tell her everything, we'll be rescued from this awful nightmare!
(That night at the elimination ceremony, the Heroic Hamsters are seated in the peanut gallery and the Villainous Vultures are seated by the fire for the 3rd time in a row. Heather and Jo are glaring at each other. Scarlett glares at both of them)
Chris: Welcome back to the anxiety inducing elimination ceremony. Heroes, congrats on winning 3 challenges in a row. What a way to kick off the season! Villains, sucks to be your asses right now. There are 9 of you sitting in front of me, but only 8 of you will get to continue playing. But before I hand out marshmallows, which Hero is going to Boney Island?
Shawn: Me! I'll go!
Chris: Sure, I don't care.
(Chef escorts Shawn to Boney Island)
Jasmine: Good luck Shawn! Stay out of trouble!
Shawn: I will! Thanks! (confessional) There's an invincibility idle on the other island, and with my elite survival training and preparing for an undead attack, finding that statue will be a walk in the park. Bring it on!
Chris: Okay! The following Villains get to play another day. Scott, Duncan, Scarlett, Mal, Alejandro, Courtney...
Courtney: Phew.
Chris: And Lightning.
Lightning: Sha-bam!
Chris: Heather, Jo, you're on thin ice. For reasons we all know. For your unrelenting desires to dictate your team instead of helping win challenges. (Jo and Heather growl at each other) Whoa, harsh! Heh heh heh! Anywho, the final marshmallow goes to...
(Heather and Jo wait angrily)
Chris: Heather. (Heather snatches the marshmallow from him)
Heather: HA! (She eats it)
Jo: (flabbergasted) WHAT? ARE YOU ALL NUTS?!
Lightning: Ha! Take that Jo! Sha-bye-bye!
Brick: (smug) Adieu, evil scum!
Jo: (angry) Why you rotten little...I'M GONNA KICK YOUR (CENSORED) 6 WAYS FROM (CENSORED) IF IT'S THE LAST THING I (CENSORED) DO! (Before she could do anything, Chef grabbed her and dragged her to the boat of losers, and locked her in shackles and chains to restrain her)
Jo: (struggling) YOU MADE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE IN YOUR FORSAKEN LIVES! VOTING OFF YOUR TEAM CAPTAIN! YEAH, GOOD LUCK WINNING CHALLENGES WITHOUT ANY (CENSORED) LEADERSHIP TO GUIDE YOUR SORRY ASSES! I'LL BE BACK! (the boat of losers takes her away)
Alejandro: (confessional) It's about time Jo got the heave ho. I take orders from no one. I do as I decide.
Chris: Wow, I haven't seen such an exit since Heather in season 1! Heh heh heh!
Heather: Hey! I'm sitting right here!
Chris: Oops. Heh heh heh! Can the Villains dig themselves out of this hole and win a challenge for once? Who knows what classic challenges our All Stars will face? Well, I know. But I ain't spilling the beans!
Owen: Beans?
Chris: Down boy!
Owen: (disappointed) Aww!
Chris: Anywho, tune in next time to not miss all the action, all the excitement, and all the drama, right here on TOTAL! DRAMA! ALL-STARS!
(credits)
ELIMINATION ORDER
PRE-MERGE
22nd: Sugar
21st: Max
20th: Jo