The van caromed off a parked car, launched into the air, spun through the doors in a detonation of glass, metal and flame. A figure dropped from the driver's side just before it crunched into a checkout, sparking a chain of shuddering explosions that eviscerated the whole row. The figure stood against a howling wall of flame, long black coat rippling, a huge, heavy gun in one paw.
"Wilde!" they roared, in a voice that sounded like they were gargling a chainsaw. "This is your death calling!"
Nick, ears flat back, eyes bugging, pressed himself to the shelves and hyperventilated. "What...?"
"Nick!" Clawhauser hollered over the radio. "What's going on?"
The fox swallowed. "Feels like I just got dropped into a Michael Haye movie on crack. Send backup. Preferably a tank division."
"There's cars coming, but Hopps'll get there first."
"Judy?" Nick blanched. "She'll be immolated before she gets through the door."
"I...wouldn't be so sure about that. Gotta go. Another call."
"What? Clawhauser? Ben?" He got no response.
"Wilde!" Silverson bellowed again. "Come out here so I can feed you your own nose and wash it down with your liquefied tail!"
"Ew." Nick shuddered. Dropping to the floor, he commando-crawled to the next aisle, repeatedly glancing to see where the panda was. An eruption of flame-wreathed canned goods gave him a good hint.
"Come out or I blow the whole damn place up, bit by bit!"
"Feels like you're gonna do that anyway," Nick muttered. "And I don't know how I'm gonna stop you..."
He risked moving on, but Silverson saw him, and fired, and screaming fire consumed two entire aisles of clothing. The only things to survive were a pawful of colourful bikinis and a gibbering fox with his uniform and the tip of his tail smouldering. He put his tail out, yelped as flame erupted on his clothing, tore everything off in a panic, then realised he had only the bikinis to wear, whimpered, and put on a bright red one.
"I really hope Carrots doesn't see this..."
His ears perked to an approaching engine. He and Silverson watched as a squad car squealed sideways toward the ruins of the doors, every car it clipped blasting to burning scrap. It crashed into the superstore, crunched to a halt against a half-melted, sparking husk of a checkout, the driver's door was torn off at the hinges, and Judy stepped out.
The fur atop her head was trimmed flat. Sunglasses wrapped around her face. Ammo belts criss-crossed her torso. A massive metallic belt buckle gleamed with a carrot symbol. A pair of guns even bigger than Silverson's were gripped in her paws.
"I'M HERE TO KICK ASS AND NIBBLE CARROTS." Her voice was so low and masculine Nick was sure his chest fur grew in response. "AND I'M ALL OUTTA CARROTS."
"Um," a staff mammal cowering under an upturned trolley ventured, pointing. "W...we have plenty of carrots...in...in...the veggie aisle."
Judy cocked a gun. A firestorm of root vegetables erupted.
"WHAT VEGGIE AISLE?"
"N...never mind." The staff mammal curled into a ball, shaking.
Silverson, glowering, lobbed a round at the rabbit. Hopps caught it in her buck teeth and spat it back it him. He dived out of the way, and a swathe of the superstore's wall was blasted to dust, part of the ceiling caving in, burying the frozen section.
"DAMN, I'M GOOD." She smirked.
Nick scurried up to her. "Judy?! What are you even..."
"THE NAME'S JUDE. JUDE NUKEM." She surveyed him appreciatively, smirk widening. "LOOKING DAMN HOT, BABE."
"Babe...?" Nick felt like his mind was caving in. "I'm not-not a babe, I just...this was...all that was...whoa!"
Silverson had resurfaced and fired again. Jude batted the round away with one ear; it destroyed another section of ceiling, revealing a news helicopter hovering above the store.
"DAMN, I'M GETTING TIRED OF YOU."
Jude returned fire, obliterating the baked goods and forcing Silverson to lunge for cover again. She started to stride towards the panda, Nick trailing in her wake, twitching and shaking.
"They're all raving mad," he blabbered. "Stark bonkers."
Jude stopped to admire herself in a mirror.
"DAMN, I'M FLUFFY."
Then to read a large, bright sign declaring seven cents off a packet of savoury biscuits.
"DAMN, I'M ACTUALLY TEMPTED EVEN THOUGH I KNOW THEY ONLY JUST PUT THE PRICE UP AND IT WOULD HAVE COST LESS TWO WEEKS AGO. SO DAMN DEVIOUS."
"Hey!"
Jude and Nick turned round. Silverson had gotten behind them, with gun raised, but not aimed at them. Instead, he was targeting the news chopper through the huge hole in the ceiling.
"Suck this down, Nukem."
He fired. The chopper's tail rotor exploded, blade shrapnel shredding even more of the roof, and the craft spun out of control, plunging right toward Jude and Nick. The fox tried to flee, but the rabbit held him to her, tight. Her other paw reached up, and caught the helicopter by its nose, a blade of the big rotor stopping so close to her face it dimpled her fur. She held it just long enough for the crew to fall out and totter away, then hurled it at Silverson. He barely had time to scream in rage before he was consumed in a cataclysm of fire, metal and sundry food that cratered half the store.
"NEWSFLASH: YOU'RE DEAD."
"Along with most of the customers and staff," Nick added, in a woozy sing-song. "But it's all worth it as long as you got the bad guy, right?"
"NO-ONE ELSE DIED, BABE." Jude picked him up, bridal-style, carrying him out of the ruined store, and through a crowd of people. "AND HE PROBABLY DIDN'T, EITHER."
Nick's head snapped up. "What?!"
A roar from behind them, as a horrifically scarred and burnt Silverson rose from the wreckage, eyes blazing. Jude cocked a gun over her left shoulder, fired, and the roar ended in one last echoing explosion, what remained of the store collapsing.
"DAMN, I HATE IT WHEN THEY DO THAT."
Nick giggled erratically, and started pinching himself. "Just a dream, a crazy, wacky, cockadoodle dream. Wake up, and it'll all go away."
"NOT A DREAM, BABE." Jude set the fox down on a huge bike shining with chrome, straddled it herself, and kicked it into rumbling life as the sound of a wailing guitar filled the air. "NOW, HOLD ON TIGHT. YOU'RE IN FOR THE RIDE OF YOUR LIFE."
Nick clamped his arms around the rabbit's waist, and they roared off into a blazing orange sunset even though it was only the middle of the morning, the guitar hitting a crescendo.
"Well," he told himself, dazedly, "at least it can't get worse."
Behind them, an even more horribly scarred and burnt Silverson rose from the wreckage to glower after them. "That's what you think."
JUDE NUKEM WILL RETURN
IN
DAMN, I'M EVEN FLUFFIER
OR
THE REVENGE OF SILVERSON: SILVERSON'S WRATHY REVENGE
OR
FLUFF 2: FLUFF HARDER
OR
DAMN, CARROTS ARE TEN PERCENT OFF