I made myself sad rereading this. Why did I write it :(
TW: referenced abuse, past character death, self-blame, some blood (not graphic, but it's certainly there)
Fox was so tired. He was too tired to sleep. Too tired to eat. Too tired to do anything but print his signature on form after form that had been sent to him.
Thorn, Thire, Stone…they would have yelled at him for staying up this late. They were just worried about him, of course, but they shouldn't be. Fox didn't deserve that. Besides, he had to work, or Palpatine would be very angry. They knew that, but they still thought Fox should sleep, so he'd sent them away.
Raven would be furious with Fox if he knew. Raven was always angry with Fox. But Raven was far too busy to check on Fox. There was always injured troopers coming into the medbay.
Just in case, Fox had told everyone to stay away. They knew better than to come anyways—except his commanders, but he'd made sure they were busy and gone. It was just Fox and the paperwork. He was tired, but it didn't matter. He had to finish the paperwork.
The door opened. Fox looked up, reflexes slow, and lunged for his helmet. He missed—clumsy, pet, one voice said, told you that you needed to sleep, said another—and stood to attention.
"Captain." He said, voice still raw. "What can I do for you?"
"We need to talk." Rex said, looking over Fox's shoulder. Fox nodded quickly, backing up.
"Come in." He said, ignoring his racing heart. Rex looked…numb. That was probably not good for Rex, but maybe it was better for Fox? Rex didn't seem terribly angry. Maybe he wouldn't rage and break things—and break Fox's arm—like Wolffe had.
Rex walked in, standing just in front of Fox's desk as Fox backed up to put the desk between them. Rex didn't notice, which was good. Fox waited.
"You killed Fives." Rex said. His voice was cold. Emotionless. So unlike the fiery cadet Cody had dragged home. Fox had done this. It was his fault. Fox flinched.
"I'm sorry." He said. It was an automatic apology, but he meant it. He hadn't wanted to kill the ARC. He barely even remembered the blackout mission.
"General Kenobi said we should talk to you about it." Rex said. Fox froze. Cody had talked to him—Cody had been furious, but it was cold and the blows were only words but they hurt more than his broken arm and it had been horrible even though he deserved it. Had Cody told his general what Fox had done?
"You should be glad I talked Anakin out of coming." Rex said, a spark of anger finally showing in his eyes. Fox nodded automatically, agreeing like he was supposed to.
"I am." He said, biting off any further words. Skywalker was volatile and dangerous. He would have hurt Fox much worse than just a broken arm or bleeding nose. Much worse.
"Don't you have anything to say for yourself?" Rex demanded suddenly, eyes shining. "Fox, you murdered my vod'ika!"
"H-he had a weapon. He was dangerous." Fox said, drawing back. "I-I had to subdue him before he went for my men." He scolded himself internally. Rex wouldn't care that Fox had tried to save his men. He should have found a different excuse. But Rex's eyes softened incrementally.
"Yes, he was being incredibly unsafe with the blaster." Rex said, shaking his head. "But he was clearly drugged, not malicious. You should have stunned him." Yes. Fox should have. He took another careful step back.
"I-I…" He couldn't bear to give Rex one of the excuses—valid or not—that he'd given the others. "I'm sorry." Fox breathed, watching Rex carefully. He was too tired to try and get Rex to leave. He would just make the captain more angry. "You killed him, Fox! You could at least show some regret other than a muttered apology!" Rex snarled. Fox stayed quiet, staring at the floor as he waited for the storm.
"Why did you even do it? Who cares about a kill order? The Jedi wanted him alive. Your Jedi should have—"
"I don't have a Jedi!" Fox snapped wildly. "Don't ever say that; I don't have a Jedi!" If he had a Jedi, maybe Fox wouldn't be so wrong. Maybe Palpatine would have left him alone. Maybe, if Fox had a Jedi, if their unofficial Jedi had actually been assigned to them, if he'd been there that night, Fox wouldn't have murdered a vod and everyone wouldn't hate him.
"Who cares, Fox?" Rex demanded, and he wasn't wrong. "I don't care what your excuse is! What you did was wrong and there is no excuse for it. You took away my brother. Ni'duraa! I hate you! I hate you." Fox flinched at the words. They weren't surprising, but they still hurt. Fox loved Rex. He couldn't help it. Cody's blond CT was adored by everyone in his batch. But Fox had messed up. He'd taken Rex's ARC and now Rex hated him and he'd known that, of course Rex hated him, but it hurt to hear it. Fox dared to glance up. Tears traced their way down Rex's face as the captain stared at him, hurt and anger filling his eyes.
"Won't you even apologize?" Rex whispered. Fox moved carefully, shifting himself so that he was at attention again.
"Captain Rex." He started slowly. "I apologize for causing the death of ARC trooper Fives. I understand he was very important to you. I regret that my actions caused you pain and resulted in the death of another clone." The apology was formal, stilted, but…maybe that was what Rex wanted? The others hadn't…they hadn't asked him for anything. They'd just yelled or hit him or broke things.
"It's like you don't even feel anything." Rex whispered, shaking his head. "I don't even know you anymore." Fox flinched hard, taking another step back. He hit the wall. Rex had him trapped. But the captain didn't come forward.
"Why won't you say anything?" Rex breathed. "Answer me, Fox. Tell me what happened. Say something!"
"I…I'm sorry." Fox stammered. "It-it was another blackout mission. I couldn't…I'm sorry. I shouldn't make excuses. It was my fault." He took a shaky breath, pushing past the fatigue to try and make an understandable explanation.
"He tried to assassinate the Chancellor. He was…the chancellor, he was very angry and-and scared. He called me in and…and gave me the order. Order 43. I…it was a blackout mission. I did it. I'm sorry."
"I shouldn't have come." Rex muttered. "I should've known." He should have, Fox agreed. Rex should have known that Fox couldn't make anything better. Rex met Fox's gaze.
"I don't want to see you again outside of work." He said. "But I'm not going to make your life miserable because of what you did. If we're ever forced together, we need to be able to complete the mission."
"I won't…I won't fight." Fox said, frowning. "I didn't fight anyone else. I know I…I know I deserve it."
"What are you talking about?" Rex asked.
"I don't understand." Fox said carefully, pressing back against the wall. Hopefully, he wouldn't fall. Hopefully. "I can try and make sure we don't have to work together…unless you want that? I promise, though. I won't resist…whatever you want." He was terrible at this. All he'd needed to do was agree and then Rex wouldn't be looking at him like something was wrong with him. More wrong.
"I didn't come here to fight." Rex said, folding his arms and frowning heavily. Well. No one had, except maybe Wolffe, but Fox must have provoked them somehow.
"Of course, sir." Fox agreed, the words coming out automatically. He barely even noticed the title that had followed. Rex whirled and stalked away. Fox stepped after him, suddenly wishing Rex wouldn't leave.
"Rex—" He started. Rex stopped, looking back over his shoulder.
"What?"
"I…ni ceta. I didn't want to kill him. I really am sorry. If there's anything you want me to do—anything that won't hurt my men—I'll do it." He forced himself to meet Rex's gaze as he spoke, the words heavy on his tongue.
"What do you mean, you didn't want to kill him?" Rex asked slowly. "It was your choice…wasn't it?" Fox froze. He'd messed up again. Rex took a step forward, and Fox backed up, running into the wall again.
"Answer me, Fox." Rex ordered, approaching.
"I-I did what I had to." Fox said quickly.
"Did someone force you to do it?" Rex asked. Fox gave a slightly hysterical laugh.
"Rex, I don't know what you mean—" Rex slammed his hand against Fox's chest, and Fox snapped his mouth shut, bracing himself for another blow. It didn't come, but Rex didn't back off either.
"Don't try that on me." Rex said. "Were you threatened?" Fox shook his head desperately.
"You're smart, Rex. Don't look for someone else to blame just because of nostalgia. Y-you were right. I'm not the same Fox you knew. I'm a heartless murderer, just like the rest of the batch said. D-don't—"
"Who would even have authority to do something like that?" Rex's gaze snapped up to Fox's. "The Chancellor ordered you to kill him. You implied that."
"It was a mistake! I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that." Fox said desperately.
"The Chancellor certainly has the authority to make you do that. He could threaten you realistically." Fox definitely had said way too much.
"Please, Rex, stop." He pleaded. "The Chancellor didn't—"
"The Chancellor could even get away with killing you." Rex said, staring at Fox. "He could kill any of your men and you don't have a Jedi, so no one would realize."
"You're wrong." Fox breathed. Rex was absolutely right, except that Palpatine had used the chip instead this time. "He didn't threaten me. Please stop."
"If I'm wrong, why are you so terrified?" Rex demanded. Fox stared and blurted out the first words he thought of.
"Please don't hurt me." He knew it was a mistake the moment he said it, feeling Rex's hand press even harder, fingers curling at the lip of his armor.
"What?"
"N-nothing. Sorry."
"If I was going to hurt you, you would know." Rex said shortly. He looked confused, and a bit hurt. Which was unfair, because Fox was pretty sure his guess had been justified.
"Of course." He said instead of venturing a disagreement.
"The Chancellor is part of this." Rex said, going back to his previous train of thought. "He wanted Fives killed. He made you kill him."
"Don't do this, Rex." Fox begged.
"Fives was right, wasn't he?" Rex said. Fox cringed.
"No, of course not." Rex stepped back.
"He was. I have to tell Anakin."
"No!" Fox yelped. "Please, please, captain, I beg you. Don't tell General Skywalker. He'll tell the Chancellor and he'll—" Fox choked, whimpering as burning pain flared in his mouth, too hot to even think about finishing the sentence. He pulled away from Rex, shoving open the bathroom door and spitting blood into the sink. He collapsed to his knees and dropped his forehead onto the faucet, panting, blood still dripping from his mouth. He hadn't messed up like this in a long time. It hurt more than he remembered.
"Stars, Fox!" Rex's startled voice made Fox flinch violently, but he didn't move. He would bleed for a few more minutes and he didn't have any supplies to spare for cleaning.
"Go 'way." Fox mumbled. "Lea'e me 'lone."
"I won't." Rex said firmly. Fox frowned, but didn't argue with him. It hurt to talk—the burning would subside when the bleeding stopped—and he didn't want to make Rex angry.
"How can I help?" Rex asked. Fox shook his head.
"Stops on i's own in a minute 'r two." He mumbled. "Sorry. It won' happ'n again." There was a creak of armor and Fox glanced over to see Rex kneeling beside him.
"Is this because of what you said earlier? About Palpatine?" Rex asked. Fox flinched at the name.
"It was my fault." He said. "I should've known better." He wasn't allowed to talk about his master like that. Not allowed to tell anyone how the Chancellor hurt his men or that he was a Sith. He knew that. He shouldn't have messed up. Fox always messed up.
"I'm sorry that I tried to make you talk about it." Rex offered. Fox shook his head.
"It's not—you deserved to know why I k-killed him. I'm sorry I was so uncooperative a-and stubborn." The apology stumbled out like every other apology he gave after a punishment, but this one was sincere. Rex didn't take it like Senators did—with a dismissal or a reminding blow—or like Palpatine did—with a caress and sharp pain. Rex snaked his arm over Fox's shoulders in a solid, steady embrace.
"Maybe I did need to know why you killed him." Rex said. "But don't you dare apologize for not being able to tell me."
"Okay." Fox said, trying not to lean into Rex. He couldn't push this. No one from his batch had hugged him in years. He couldn't ruin this.
"I don't really hate you." Rex admitted in a whisper. "I love you, ori'vod. I never hated you."
"Oh." Fox blinked. "But I killed him."
"I was very mad at you." Rex agreed, leaning his head onto Fox's shoulder. "I was furious. But I didn't hate you. I shouldn't have said that. I didn't mean any of it."
"It's okay." Fox said. Rex hadn't been wrong, not really.
"It's not." Rex argued.
"No, it is. Everyone else said that too. Even Cody was harsher than you were—not that he was wrong, he wasn't, I deserve it. But you…I'm not mad at you for saying that."
"Maybe you should be." Rex sighed, but pushed in closer to Fox. Carefully, Fox leaned in to Rex as well. He wasn't bleeding anymore. The pain was gone. He had no reason to be sitting here, but Rex was here and Fox couldn't—wouldn't—disturb him.
"You didn't want me to tell Anakin." Rex said quietly after a few minutes. "And I get that. He's good friends with Palpatine. But Obi-wan isn't. Obi-wan is a council member and a very respected member of the Order. If he knew…"
"Why would he believe me?" Fox breathed. "I can't even say it."
"I can." Rex said. Fox shook his head.
"You don't know the important parts."
"I know enough."
"You don't." Fox flinched and pulled back, realizing he'd just argued with Rex. "I…sorry. But I can't…you don't know and it could get you killed. Please just leave it alone. I can take it."
"And wait until you're forced to kill someone else?" Rex demanded. Fox cringed, pushing himself back further.
"I-It won't happen again. He usually doesn't do that unless someone threatens his plans. It's usually just a threat so that I behave. I mean, I've killed my men before, but not any of yours."
"Why did you have to kill your men?" Rex asked, voice dangerous. Fox curled in on himself, wishing desperately for a helmet.
"I didn't comply with a Senator's orders. I went to him to ask for help and he ordered me to—" Fox gagged, jerking towards the sink and spitting out a mouthful of blood. "I killed a squad." He said. "I should have just let the Senator do what she wanted with me. I know better now. It hasn't happened again." Fox grimaced, looking at the blood splashed across his armor. He unbuckled it carefully, setting it down under the sink while he tried to rinse it off. The water trickled out slowly, but it got most of the blood off. The rest was hidden by paint.
"Fox, you're hurt." Rex said, pulling down the collar of Fox's blacks. Fox shot backwards.
"I'm fine." He said, forgetting that he was still bleeding. "I'm sorry, please don't—" He took a breath and came forwards again.
"The Chancellor." He said, coughing into the sink. His mouth stung. "He didn't like how I was standing. It's fine. Not the worst he can do." He coughed again. There was more blood this time. "D-do you know anything about S-Sith?" He whispered, the last word causing blood to run more freely, pain to burn more brightly. Too bad the Chancellor had already raised his pain threshold higher than the warning levels. "The Chancellor…he's one of them." Fox bit out the words before giving in to a cry and curling over the sink as blood ran down his face. The pain was unbearable. His face was on fire. He couldn't feel anything and he felt everything at the same time. He clenched his fists, gasping in ragged breaths through the taste of iron.
"Breathe, Fox." Rex was saying softly. "It'll be okay. It'll fade. Breathe, ori'vod." Fox whimpered, gagging and fighting to breathe. The pain faded slowly.
"Sorry." He whispered.
"It's okay, Fox." Rex said gently. "Are you okay?"
"Fine." Fox breathed, giving a jerky nod. He was dizzy and his mouth ached, but the pain had faded back to manageable.
"Palpatine's a Sith Lord." Rex said. Fox flinched. He didn't dare answer. "I'll get help." Rex said. "For you and the Guard. Palpatine will not get away with this."