Chapter 46: "If You Love Someone"
Day 24
Eventually, Ellie stopped expecting Joel to return.
Well... not entirely. She just stopped expecting it on a routine basis as she marked the days off her calendar every morning. Hopeful thoughts of "I wonder if today's the day he'll come back!" were simply not sustainable. She kept counting the days, though. Even though he'd fucking told her not to. (Or... especially because he'd fucking told her not to?) He could be gone for months... even years. She just... couldn't keep hoping like that, only to experience fresh disappointment, over and over again.
Opening night for the town production of The Wizard of Oz fell on Day 24 of no Joel (Ellie knew he didn't give a shit about it and would not have made any special effort to return for it, but it didn't matter - she still measured time by how many days it had been since he left). Despite her extreme lack of enthusiasm about the play these days, she found herself getting caught up in the excitement of pretty much everyone else in town; it was so contagious that she was convinced even Joel would have felt it. And she so badly wanted to share it with him! Maybe the next one... maybe she wouldn't be watching from the seats, because maybe Joel would have returned by then, restoring her zest for life and all that, and she would be in the play. Anxious as fuck... sick with anticipation and nerves... and FUCK the consolation prize of a one-of-the-masses role. If I don't get a part, then I just don't get a part. She could handle the disappointment. In fact, she would be the best-equipped to handle it out of anyone - because when it comes down to it, who really gives a fuck?! It's not life or death! For this play, however, Ellie was merely a spectator, so she felt anxious on Clicker's behalf. Did he rehearse enough? What if he fucks up his lines? Again, not the worst thing in the world, but she reeeeeally wanted him to do well!
Ellie's biggest contribution to the production, apart from moral support, was the programs. With just a little guidance in the beginning, she had designed and printed them herself, only enlisting help from the others with folding the finished product in thirds (because she would have been bored to tears if she'd had to do all the thousands of folds by herself!). She felt a surge of pride in her work when she looked around and saw people reading them or pointing things out to each other - and she felt a surge of annoyance every time she had to rescue one from being stepped on in the aisle!
The auditorium was fucking packed. It was predicted to be standing room only, and a half hour before show time, it was well on its way there. Ellie hadn't been to all, or even most of, the town meetings in here, but she'd never seen the place even half this full. She was having a hard time saving the five seats she'd managed to secure for herself, Annie, Will, Esther, and Meredith (thankfully, Ellie didn't need to worry about saving seats for the girl's family as well, because Meredith was going to watch it again with them the following night or something). They were sweet seats, too - seventh row, not center but not way on the end, either. People kept asking if they were taken, or like... not even asking - just assuming that she was obnoxiously taking up three seats herself and draping her sweater over the other two for fun, she supposed, because they kept trying to get her to move so they could sit. Most people were cool when she said they were taken, but some got annoyed... told her "there's no saving seats" or some shit... but Ellie wouldn't back down. She nearly told someone to suck her dick, but managed to hold her tongue, as there were small children in the next row.
Oh shit... it's going to be harder to hold my tongue now... fucking Christine was now brushing past people, on her way to Ellie's seats! She came back to town for this? The bitch apparently hadn't noticed that Ellie was the one trying to preserve the seats; she did a double take when she got closer.
"These are taken!" Ellie informed her coldly, but Christine kept moving towards her.
"You all are gonna have to move," Christine replied, unfazed. "Either move or come back tomorrow. This is the only night Farm 4 will be here - we came all this way and everything - so we were guaranteed to have seats." She even turned and started waving some people over... Colton?!
Oh man... Annie hadn't been talking about him much lately, maybe because she hadn't seen him in so long... but Ellie would bet she'd still love to watch the play with him. Not with Christine, though - ugh! Ellie glared at the smirking cunt. "Oh yeah? Well, you're not guaranteed these seats. They're TAKEN."
"Um, yeah, see, I don't think you're allowed to do that. You're the only one here and you can't take up five for yourself. Tommy said we can-"
"Oh, fu-" -Ellie barely caught that one in time- "-I don't care what Tommy said, you can't just kick people out of their seats! I got here early to get good ones." Where IS Tommy anyway... he had said he would come check things out at the start, more for crowd control than anything else - he and Maria weren't actually going to come watch the play until the next night, when Ellie would be babysitting. Although now she was starting to regret agreeing to that, because she already felt like she'd want to come to all three shows! She might have to get Chelsea or someone to cover for her.
"Actually, we can, if there aren't-"
"Meredith! Over here!" Ellie caught sight of the girl while scanning the room for Tommy - and Ellie had never been so happy to see her before! She could certainly use the backup. Ellie waved her arms around until Meredith took notice of her, then turned to Christine (who was still the only one of the group who'd actually ventured into Ellie's territory). "Look - you guys don't have to sit together. There's more than five of you so you're gonna have to split up into smaller groups anyways. There's plenty of seats left. Now if you would kindly move your ass, one of my party needs to get through here." I can plant Meredith on this end and I'll take the busier end cuz I think I'm prob'ly a little meaner than she is...
Christine was clearly getting frustrated. "Fine - but your other three aren't here yet, so we get these three."
"No way," Ellie scoffed. "They'll be here any minute. If you don't get out of my face, I'll push you out of the row myself!" Christine didn't seem to find this intimidating, so Ellie looked past her to Meredith. "Come around the other way!" she called to the girl, trying to mime it as well in case she couldn't hear.
"Excuse me - are those seats-"
"They're taken!" Ellie snarled at the person coming from the other direction. Okay so right now, I'm really missing Joel for his GLARE OF DOOM!
"Where's Joel?" Christine asked - like she had read Ellie's fucking mind.
Ellie whirled back to face her... and she couldn't tell if the bitch knew or not. She decided she probably didn't, because who would have told her up on that farm? Unless there had been a delivery or something, no one up there would have known - and even then, the transport crew might not have thought to mention it (because why would they?). "He's not here right now, obviously," Ellie gritted out. Suddenly she remembered what she'd said to Christine the last time she saw her - that fun little fib about sucking Joel's dick - fuck! She wouldn't bring that up in front of all these people, would she?!
"Chris! Over here!"
...Chris? Ellie followed Christine's gaze back to Colton (yes, he was calling her that - and Ellie didn't like it one bit).
"There's two together back here!" he continued.
Ellie liked that even less! Like 'two' as in... just the two of them?
"Coming!" Christine called back sweetly; apparently, the prospect of having Colton to herself was more appealing than tormenting Ellie. She just tossed one last look of disgust back at Ellie and finally started moving away.
It was easier to protect the seats with a guard stationed on both ends of the five. As it turned out, Ellie's friends arrived just a few minutes afterward. "Annie! OVER HERE!" Ellie bellowed.
"Your group is finally here? Thank God," someone grumbled down the row. An Idaho person. Ellie didn't bother to respond with anything more than a dirty look.
Wait... they're not ALL here... Annie was threading through first. "Where's Will?" Ellie asked when she reached the seats, giving her a quick hug.
"My brother has decided he is too good to sit with us lowly family member types," Annie replied, sounding more amused - or at least resigned? - than annoyed.
"He said Tyler was saving him a seat," Esther confirmed. "And he's probably already here... don't see him, though..."
"Oh - here, you can sit on this side-" Ellie swapped places with Annie so she could sit by Meredith. Because fuck being jealous; Ellie was over that. People could have multiple close friends (as she herself did). Besides, trivial shit like that didn't matter at all, now that Joel was gone. Like... the magnitude of the Joel-centric pain - of not being with him, of not knowing if he was okay, of possibly losing him... all that shit! ...it didn't seem to leave much room for other hurts.
Esther was looking around for Will, and Ellie didn't really want Annie do to the same, because what if she saw... uhhhh... wait a minute. Why is Christine sitting with that guy... what's his name... Lawrence? Where's Colton?!
Ellie scanned the room and quickly located him - he was still trying to find seats for people. Like... not even people from Farm 4, it looked like? Just... random people? Aww, that's so sweet of him!
So, apparently when he had called Christine over with the promise of two seats, he totally hadn't meant that he wanted to sit with her; there were actually no other open seats around Christine and Lawrence. Ha! Bet she was PISSED when she realized- Oh my God, I have the BEST idea! "I'll be right back," Ellie announced... more to Esther than to Annie. "Don't let anyone sit here! In either of these seats! Just - yeah, sit in the middle empty one like that and no one should even try to take them."
Ellie tried to slip by everyone in the row without disturbing them, but most had to stand up to let her pass. (...She may have accidentally bumped into the snarky irritated person extra hard.) "Colton!" she yelled. FUCK, it's loud in here!
But she managed to get his attention and pull him out of the fray enough to speak to him. "So it turns out we have an extra seat," she said, trying to sound casual. "Do you wanna come sit with us? Annie- er- we would like that." Don't wanna make it LOOK like a set-up, right? Ugh, maybe that was too eager-
"That's nice of you, Ellie... thank you... but Frankie's holding a seat for me already... over there, see her?" He pointed her out... quite a few rows behind Ellie's, and not as close to the center.
"Our seats are better!" Ellie pointed to her row. "And you see Frankie every day, don't you? When was the last time you saw Annie? Do you even remember? You guys used to be friends, right?" Laying it on a little thick, maybe...
"Uh... yeah? Far as I know, we still are?"
"Okay! So come sit with your friend you haven't seen in ages." Ellie even started yanking him by the arm towards her row.
"Whoa whoa whoa - wait a second... jeez! I can't just leave Frankie up there by herself - you only have one extra seat?"
Aww, man... "Yeah... but it can be two, if I go somewhere else?" she offered. Okay wow so now he HAS to know how desperate I am to get him to sit with Annie! Is that good or bad, though?!
Colton looked at her a moment, then shook his head, smiling. "I mean... if you really want me to sit there so bad..."
"I do!"
"...Why don't you take my seat with Frankie, then? She won't mind - she likes you."
Ellie pondered this. If I go up there now, I might even have time to pump her for dirt on Christine! "Deal! And... look, Tommy's here helping people find seats now so you can just go. Seeya later!" She pretended that she didn't see him open his mouth to speak before she took off. He can explain it to them!
Frankie was so busy chatting with the person in the seat next to her that she didn't even notice Ellie taking Colton's empty seat. And when she finally did, Ellie had to smile as Frankie gasped and gave a little start.
"Christ almighty, girl, don't sneak up on people like that!" she admonished Ellie - and now she seemed to be completely overdoing it, heaving noticeable breaths and clutching at her heart.
Ellie giggled; she liked Frankie. "I didn't really, but okay. Um, I hope you don't mind that Colton decided to sit with Annie." Ellie gestured vaguely toward their seats. "He didn't think you'd care if I... uh... he didn't think you'd mind sitting by me instead."
"Oh. Huh. That's interesting." Frankie looked over at Colton and Annie... and Ellie couldn't get a good read on her expression.
"Yeah. They're old friends." Sure, cuz it's been like... ten months now? That could qualify as 'old,' by certain standards.
"Of course I don't mind," Frankie said breezily. "You can be my date for the evening."
Her date?! But Frankie was old, so... yeah, she's just teasing. Ellie saw an opportunity here, though... "I think Christine thought that Colton would be her date - or at least sit with her? - so she's probably..." Ellie quickly located Christine to see if she - oh yeah, she noticed him, all right! "Yep - she's pissed! What's the deal with those two anyway? Do you know?"
Frankie snorted. "Don't know for sure... other than she has the hots for him. That's plain as day. You don't like her much, do you." It wasn't even a question.
"Yeah, um... 'much' would be an overstatement. I don't like her at all. She's a whore. She stole Annie's boyfriend last summer. And she just... says mean nasty things whenever she can. She is not a nice person." Usually Ellie didn't tend to badmouth people to people she didn't even know... but the fucking cunt deserves it!
"Mm. Well... you know me'n'Christine are the only two girls up there, right? Outside of the family. So we share a room - our own private bunkhouse, brand spanking new. You saw it getting built, didn'thca? That day you visited? They just finished it up, couple weeks back. But I tell you what-"
Ellie waited for her to continue, but she seemed to be having second thoughts about sharing whatever she'd been about to disclose. "What?" Ellie encouraged her. "You can tell me. I won't say anything to her." ...Maybe? ...Probably?
"It's nothin', just... I mean, it's none of my business, but... one can't help noticing certain things about one's roommate. And that girl has spent many a night away from her bed. Tries to sneak back in real early in the morning so's I won't notice."
"But... you notice. Obviously." Shit!
"I notice when I notice. Maybe not all the time. Thing is, I don't get the feeling Colt likes her like that. I think he would tell me if the two o' them was hookin' up, but... who knows. He's also not really the kiss'n'tell type, so maybe he wouldn't. What I do know is she had a thing with Rory, for a little while. And I don't feel bad telling you that because they sure weren't trying to hide it. Maybe it's still goin' on and that's who she goes to see, only they wanna keep it more on the down low now?" Frankie shrugged.
"Rory..." Ellie tried to place the name. One of those two brothers up there, I think? "Isn't he like... old?"
Frankie chuckled. "A few years older than me, so... sure, I guess you can say that."
"Oh, I didn't mean-"
"Relax, hon - we're all old to you, I know. He's the younger brother. And Christine... she is nineteen, right? That's what she says. So it's all good."
"Yeah," Ellie grumbled. Man... I can't wait until I'M nineteen and can fuck whoever I damn well please!
...Meaning Joel, of course. The only person she would ever want to fuck. No matter how long he stayed away.
Back to the matter at hand! Christine was a fucking hypocrite, giving Ellie shit about Joel being old when she had a thing with a thirty-something dude herself. Possibly multiple thirty-somethings. Still, Ellie was glad to hear that the skank apparently hadn't managed to make her way into Colton's pants. Because he would've told Frankie! They're besties, and he has no reason to hide it! Although... guys could be secretive about that shit... Ellie couldn't really imagine Joel blabbing about their relationship to people even if Ellie had been eighteen. It sounded like Frankie hadn't even so much as caught Colton checking Christine out, though, so that was encouraging. "Yeah, anyways... I think Colton and Annie are cute together, don't you?"
Frankie studied them thoughtfully... and Ellie wondered what she could glean from the backs of their heads. They ARE sitting like... KIND of closer together than necessary? Like he's kinda leaning more towards her than Esther, at least...
"They are, I guess," Frankie agreed...ish. "Don't know this... Annie."
"She's awesome," Ellie assured her (...and the fact that Colton apparently hadn't gushed about Annie to Frankie didn't necessarily mean anything, right?). "She'd be way better for him than Christine." Then again, literally ANYONE IN TOWN would be!
"That may be... except for one thing: Annie lives in town, and Colton doesn't."
Ellie squirmed a little; she hadn't figured out how to remedy that point yet.
The lights flickered, and there was a collective gasp in the auditorium. Of all nights, the power picks TONIGHT to go wonky?! But then Ellie realized that wasn't the case - people around her started murmuring something about a two-minute warning, and she could faintly hear Tommy announcing that very thing as best he could over the din. "Oh, I get it... so people know it's time to quit dicking around and get their butts in their seats," Ellie explained to Frankie. I never would've even thought to do that... they really put a lot of planning into this thing!
Ellie felt herself getting caught up in the contagious excitement again as a happy piano tune started playing (the crew had moved that piano all the way in here from someone's house!). Everywhere she looked around the auditorium, all she saw was smiling, happy faces. Even Joel would be smiling if he-
Ugh, NO. You are not going to ruin this for me, Joel! Because that's what thoughts of Joel always did - the intensity of the pain attached to them ruined whatever moment she was in.
And when the lights went out for real, focusing everyone's attention on the stage... when the spotlight followed Dorothy up the aisle and onto the stage, where instead of a curtain and a movie screen there was now a farmhouse and crates and Uncle Henry and Auntie Em... and Dorothy calling frantically for Toto... all of it made Ellie feel like she really had been transported to another world. A fantasy world, where there was no Joel and no Ellie. Only the people in costume were real, and they were magically bringing a story to life right in front of her eyes. Ellie got the sense that anything could happen... because it wasn't pre-recorded perfection from ancient times that had nothing to do with her - it was happening right now. And even though she wasn't actually on stage, she was a part of it!
The whole auditorium exploded with applause at the end, and then exploded again when the cast came out one by one to take a bow. Ellie clapped and yelled for each person, making sure to be extra obnoxiously loud for Clicker, who had nailed it! As far as she could tell, he hadn't fucked up any of his lines - or if he had, he'd ad libbed adequately. Frankie yelled and whooped for him as well, without even being prompted by Ellie (although Ellie had told her he was her friend when the play started). At the very very end, the entire row held hands and did a cool-looking ripple bow thing - and there was so much noise that Ellie's ears were ringing. She couldn't remember ever hearing anything so loud, outside of gunshots and actual explosions!
People weren't in any hurry to leave, either; there was something called a "meet and greet" with the actors afterwards (which must have been a holdover from olden times, because hadn't everyone already met all the actors?! ... except possibly some Idaho or Farm 4 people, she supposed), with refreshments served and everything. That would be out in the lobby area, but Ellie had noticed some people going 'backstage' (which was actually this cool little outside area created just for the play, with trailers and tarps and temporary fencing). She really wanted to find Clicker and tell him how awesome he'd done, especially with the brain song, which was probably Ellie's favorite part of the whole play, if she had to pick one. The play was far from perfect, technically - some of the kids had royally messed up their lines, and some of the props hadn't stayed perfectly in place - but in Ellie's eyes, that didn't detract from the perfection one bit. No major disasters, like a speaker blowing out or someone falling off the stage and breaking their leg or something.
It took her and Frankie a minute to even make their way out, and another few to meet up with Annie and the others in the lobby... but once they did, Ellie actually excused herself almost immediately and worked her way back through the auditorium, toward the stage. She knew that if you walked behind the curtain on the side there would be a door leading to the backstage area, and she probably wasn't supposed to go there, but there was no one around who cared to stop her.
There was a fair amount of noise and commotion backstage as well, yet Ellie managed to locate Clicker fairly quickly. He was surrounded by people: his parents... Wyatt and some other D&D friends... Alyssa and her BFF, Rainne...
Alyssa. Pffft, that girl will just not leave him alone! Ellie started walking over there, trying to catch Clicker's eye...
...but then... Something made her stop in her tracks.
She could probably get Clicker's attention... run up to him and give him a hug and gush about what an amazing job he'd done... make him forget all about that little girl in a heartbeat. But... I think he might actually LIKE her? Clicker was pretty animated in general, and tonight, he was amped up to a level beyond the norm. Maybe that was all she was noticing. Just... she couldn't be sure. Alyssa said something to him, and he smiled... laughed, even... kind of swatted her arm a little... the ARM! That's KEY! Ellie remembered from her romance research. Alyssa wasn't exactly hanging all over him or anything, but she was... well... getting closer than a friend would. And Clicker wasn't shrugging her off, or moving away...
He does. He LIKES her. I can tell.
Part of Ellie wanted to just march right up to the kid and make a big show of hugging him and stuff. Probably just to see if she could succeed in stealing his attention - and affections - from the other girl. To see Alyssa scowl and glare daggers at her as Clicker promptly started ignoring her in favor of Ellie.
But the bigger part of her wasn't that spiteful.
Ellie ducked out of there before Clicker noticed her (hopefully... at any rate, he didn't chase after her). It was relatively quiet back in the auditorium, as most of the audience had proceeded out to the lobby or perhaps had left the premises by now. Was Joel right? The second I'm out of the picture, he starts liking her again? She wasn't exactly 'out of the picture' now, but she'd definitely seen a lot less of him in the past twenty-four days - since Joel had left (and she could add a few extra days, really, since she and Joel had both been out of town just before that). She had zero interest in gaming with him - she'd even had Wyatt kill off her D&D character, despite Clicker's protests. She was barely in the library at all, so she didn't see him in the pit or at the movies, or playing computer games... chess... board games... whatever. He had actually stopped by the house to check on her a few times - and each time, she hadn't been home. She had told Maria she would go talk to him "later" to let him know she was okay and stuff. But then... she never did.
Man... I hate it when Joel's right. But just because he MIGHT be right about Clicker doesn't mean he's right about US! After everything they'd been through together, everything they'd shared... did he really think she would just go running into some new person's arms as soon as he left her alone, just because he wished it? Because it would make things fucking easier for him?!
Ellie tried to talk herself into joining her friends in the next room... but found that she'd had enough socializing for the day. Even though she didn't usually just take off without saying goodbye to people (...cuz that's more Joel's thing? Pfffff), she figured no one would really miss her in all this chaos. It wasn't like she'd arrived with anyone; she had met them all here. Her companions knew she'd gone to congratulate Clicker and would just assume they were hanging out or something. And Annie... well, Ellie could ask her about Colton tomorrow, when they were alone. Plus, Ellie would be more in the mood for the recap by then, she decided. So she slipped out the exit door on the non-backstage side and stole off into the night. No big deal.
The thought of recounting the play for Tommy and Maria was suddenly unbearable, too, for some reason, so she didn't go straight home. She headed for Ghost Town, which was already shrinking a little as clusters of houses at the end of several streets were getting fixed up for people to move into. But there were still plenty of abandoned houses for her to wander by... plenty of empty streets for her to traverse. No one to care where I am...
That was a lonely thought. And it wasn't entirely true: Tommy and/or Maria would wait up for her if she was out late. She had been pissed the first time that happened, reminding them that they weren't her parents, threatening to go stay in 'Joel's house' by herself if they rode her ass too much (which was a totally empty threat, as she had no desire to stay there without Joel). But secretly... deep down... she'd been kind of happy to know they cared. Even when she was an absolute bitch to them, they cared. She was trying to be nicer to them these days. Like, she was still angry at them for pushing Joel out and all, but... they knew that. They knew she was angry, and that she disagreed with them on pretty much everything Joel-related. Rubbing their faces in it had grown tiresome, and saying the same things over and over wouldn't change anything. Despite her previous 'brilliant' idea about winning them over to Joel's side - winning Tommy over, in particular - Ellie was now convinced that nothing would change their minds.
More importantly, nothing would bring Joel back. That was the harshest reality of all: she was just stuck waiting for him to decide when it was time to return. She couldn't decide anything - like whether or not she should go find the Fireflies - until he did.
And when she talked to Tommy and Maria about Grayson - or whenever she was just with Grayson, period - the anger and hurt receded a bit. It was weird, because after her fake pregnancy had epicly fucked things up with Joel, she would have thought that being around a baby would be the last thing she would want, but she didn't mind. In fact, she even liked it. She adored that kid, after all. And he was an innocent, in all things. It was... refreshing?
I never thought I would miss Joel thinking I'm innocent! But she did. If only there was a way to go back in time and undo the things she had done. All the mistakes that she'd made - not just the last one. She longed to be his sweet, innocent baby girl again.
And oh how she missed his... smothering, is what he'd called it. Ellie called it caring. If they had gone to the play together, and for some reason, she wanted to be alone afterward, like this... she never could've just left this way, without a word to him or anyone else. But, she also probably wouldn't have had the opportunity in the first place, because he would've gone with her to see Clicker backstage if she told him that's what she wanted to do.
Damnit, Joel... this was a fun night! Why do you have to ruin it right now?! Well, fuck that - I'm not going to let you. I'll go for this walk and maybe kick some shit around and be pissed off for a little while, and then I'll go home and tell Tommy and Maria about the play and I'll feel better and go to sleep with only the FUN parts swirling around in my brain.
She would do it, too. Ellie was getting really good at managing her emotions... controlling the duration she allowed herself to feel them. After twenty-four long-ass fucking days without Joel, she'd learned a thing or two about that. Some things actually did get easier with the passage of time.
That night, she couldn't bear to listen to the sad song in her walkman - and suddenly couldn't bear that it even existed. She just wanted it gone. But she managed to control her impulse to smash the device, knowing she would regret it later (especially since it was getting harder to fix; Joel had fixed it for her last time it broke, and she didn't have that luxury anymore).
She simply put it in her backpack and vowed to return the cassette to the library the next day. She didn't need it anymore, but maybe it could offer solace to someone else someday.
Day 75
Eventually, Ellie stopped blaming Joel for 'ruining' things that he wasn't actually a part of. And she even stopped blaming Tommy for driving Joel away. (Maria, too, but she still felt like it had really been more Tommy.) Joel was responsible for his own choices... and Joel was the one throwing away what they had. Because he had stopped loving her. She didn't want to believe that, but it was the only explanation that made sense. Yes, she had fucked up, and that much was her fault, but... the way she saw it, it still came down to if he really loved me unconditionally like he said he did, he'd FORGIVE me and COME BACK.
She had decided to skip the 4th of July party this year... and then un-decided that, indirectly, thanks to Maria. It was another fun thing for the whole town to enjoy, and now Ellie knew the full story behind Maria's reason for skipping it the past two years... she just couldn't let on that she knew - not without telling her how she and Joel had met Paul on the road, and she had promised Paul she wouldn't do that (besides, it would probably only cause Maria more pain). It was going to be Grayson's first party; he was almost four months old, which they said was old enough to not need to be isolated so much from the unwashed masses (as Tommy had amusingly put it!). Maria didn't want to miss that, but... her dad... the memories...
Ellie could empathize. She and Joel hadn't even gone to last year's party together (due to him breaking her heart the first time, the day before it), yet Ellie still didn't want to go because of the fucking memories.
Until it just struck her as absurd that she and Maria were like... basically afraid of something that was supposed to be fun, and that would be fun if they could just let go of the depressing past crap and focus on making new memories instead. There were tons of new people this year, and Grayson was new to the whole planet, so... why not? And when Ellie's musings had gotten a "You know what? You're right!" response from Maria, she had felt so satisfied! Like... Ellie really felt like she had helped Maria reframe the matter in her head. She had made a difference.
That night had still imparted its share of pain, to each of them... but they both decided that in the end, the good had outweighed the bad, and they were glad they went. For Ellie, it felt like an accomplishment - it was her first party post-Joel. Another 'first' she had gotten through on her mental list of things she would now be doing without him. (She could have marked 'first wedding' off the list back in May, but no fucking way was she ready to face a wedding without him - so she had happily babysat Grayson instead!)
And then there was a 'first' that meant absolutely nothing because Joel wasn't with her: their one-year anniversary. It had come and gone... no Joel, which is what she had expected (her stupid heart had just been hoping - UGH). Like he had told her before he left - he probably hadn't even known what day it was. Wherever he was, he wouldn't have known that he was supposed to be celebrating their love that day.
It was one day Ellie had allowed herself to be a totally pathetic loser, wallowing in self pity for as long as she wanted. She swapped farm shifts with someone so she could spend most of the day holed up in what used to be their house. She had cried, of course. How could she not? Remembering how... fucking elated she had been a year ago that day, when she was so thrilled just to be able to kiss him. How she had assumed they'd be having sex, and Joel had had to explain why they wouldn't be doing that for a long time. She hadn't really cared about that, of course, because just to be able to touch him... hug him... kiss him... all of it was so new and exciting! And she just knew that they would be together forever - that she would never ever do anything to fuck things up, because she would do whatever she had to do to make sure he was always happy with her. It was all so easy!
...Ha. The joke's on me. You were right, Joel: sooner or later, everything turns to shit.
Yes, she had wallowed for a while... and then she'd gravitated toward the guitar. At first, just idly strumming it had triggered the tears again. She found she didn't want to play any of the songs they'd worked on together, or anything she used to enjoy at campfire in Monterey. But she did want to play - to create. To grab hold of her pain and mold it into something beautiful. People in Monterey told me I have a good voice, that I should sing more... and her singing was definitely prettier than her guitar-playing, that was for sure. But it didn't matter - she was doing this for herself, not an audience. She could sing and play like shit and no one was around to care. She started jotting down possible lyrics that came to mind. Rearranging the words, trying to match them to chords... crafting the heart of a song, pretty much. And she immersed herself in it so much that she forgot all about crying. Forgot about everything in the whole world - until her stomach growled at her demandingly. Then she actually went home and ate dinner and had a not-unpleasant evening.
More surprisingly, the next day she woke up feeling excited about getting back to the guitar and working on the song some more. Even though it was Saturday (still a day she had off), she couldn't get to it right away due to that farm shift she had swapped. But she didn't mind; the melody and lyrics churned in her head while she worked - and it felt good to have something to look forward to.
Ellie found herself returning to the guitar again and again after that - nearly every day. For some reason, she didn't tell anyone about it. She could have taken the guitar to Tommy and Maria's, practiced up in her room... Grayson would probably love it! But she didn't. It was too... private, or something. Too sacred. Even if she closed the door, it wasn't like they wouldn't know what she was doing. They would have to ask her about it. They'd probably ask her to play and sing for them, too. Only with the best of intentions, of course, just... no. I can't. She didn't even think she could share this with Joel.
But oh, how she longed to share just about everything else with him - still. After all this time! She even missed the stupid things, like making 'sandy oatmeal' comments - inside joke type things or references that no one else understood (it just wasn't the same if you had to explain). And every single time she saw someone wearing one of those obnoxiously-bright clown shirts, her heart ached anew. She couldn't help thinking sometimes that the fucking Wizard of Oz had been right when he'd questioned the Tin Man's desire for a heart, because he was lucky to not have one. No one had invented an unbreakable model yet! Between things Ellie wanted to tell Joel and things that reminded her of him... yeah, sorry, Joel, but I'm not forgetting you any time soon!
When she wasn't playing around with the guitar, she had taken to going for long walks. Not around the lake - because that's what other people did. What she and Joel used to do as well. Now, she preferred the desolate streets of Ghost Town. Especially 'her' burnt house... because it was ugly and deformed and smelled bad. Universally unloved and unwanted. Ellie felt drawn to it. Sometimes she remembered the day she had spent hiding there, after learning the truth of what had happened in Salt Lake City... she remembered the thoughts that had plagued her then...
Should I go try to find the Fireflies and fulfill my destiny?
And now... she still couldn't dwell on this course of action. If Joel came back only to tell her he was leaving for good this time... well, that was a different story. Then she might need to revisit the question with a new perspective. Until then, it wasn't worth pondering.
One thing she did know: if he decided to leave her for real, she would respect his decision. She wouldn't try to trick him or guilt him or whatever-him into staying with her if he had decided that wasn't what he wanted. Because if it truly didn't make sense in his mind for them to be together, didn't that mean that on some level, he wasn't happy with her? She had been utterly miserable for a good portion of those last few days she'd spent with him, because the guilt was so... crushing. She didn't think Joel had ever been that miserable with her, but... wasn't it the same basic concept? Something about it felt wrong to him, and it didn't matter how much he loved her - wrong was wrong. Obviously, her 'wrong' was much worse than his, in reality, but that didn't matter, either - all that mattered was Joel's perception of things. The way he felt, living in his skin. If he felt even half as shitty as she had felt... then maybe they were better off apart, because she wouldn't wish that on anyone, let alone the man she loved more than anyone in the world. (...Okay, so she might wish it on her worst enemy. Ellie actually thought it was pretty dumb when people declared that they would never! Did they not hate their enemies?!)
Hopefully, it wouldn't feel so very wrong to him that he would choose to make their break permanent. But if it did go down like that... she might decide to leave town herself. Maybe to find the Fireflies, or maybe for other reasons. And while she might fantasize about Joel finding out and stopping her and declaring his undying love for her, she wasn't going to try to manipulate the situation to produce such a result. No... if she left, it would be because she truly wanted to - and Joel wouldn't even know about her decision.
And maybe she wouldn't want to leave. She did have a good life here. Friends... a pseudo-family, even... safety and security, but also some measure of freedom... two years ago, she would have killed to have what she had now. Of course, back then, she hadn't really known what it felt like to live with a broken heart. She had thought she knew... but whatever emotional pain she'd suffered before? Joel had taken it and multiplied it by like... a million. Being around other people helped, somewhat... but it was like trying to fill this huge hole with a fistful of dirt. Especially when they tried to help. Or tried to distract her with inane things, like watching some stupid movie or playing some silly game. It ended up driving her to the guitar, or to Ghost Town...
She thought about Parker sometimes. How he spent so much time alone. He'd said something weird to her, on the boat that one day... about not having to be anyone, when he was alone. She felt like she had a better sense of what he meant by that now, although she wondered why, if he was truly happy with Caleb, he would still feel that way... and she would then wonder why she felt like Caleb or Joel should have any influence on such feelings whatsoever... why did she feel like she was nothing without Joel? She wasn't nothing. She was still herself. She existed apart from him.
And people just didn't get it. She wasn't very good at articulating her feelings - especially when she didn't understand them perfectly herself - so she supposed it wasn't their fault. But it made her feel very alone sometimes, which... made her want to be alone? It was kind of strange.
Even so, Ellie didn't spend all her free time alone. She went horseback riding with Annie sometimes. She went alone as well, but more often than not, Annie would join her. The length of the rides varied... today's was longer because they'd wound up in Ghost Town. Presently, they were seated in Annie's favorite spot: a love seat swing with a canopy, in a backyard that was just exploding with wildflowers. (Ellie quite liked the spot herself, but refused to take the 'favorite' label away from her ugly burned-out house!) They were each turned sideways because Ellie was plaiting Annie's hair into a lumpy French braid.
Maybe not as lumpy as usual, though? "I think I'm getting better at this," Ellie declared. "I mean... I don't think it will ever be totally smooth? Cuz that's just... how the style is. But the bumps don't feel as big, right?"
Annie's hand flew up to the top of her head to check out Ellie's handiwork so far. "Eh... maybe you were already good at it, cuz it feels the same as last time to me!"
Or maybe Annie was just too nice. Ellie tugged the next few strands into place. "~If only Colton could see it~..."
"Give it a rest already!" Annie twisted her head around to give Ellie a stern look. "I told you! Nothing-"
"Yeah yeah, whatever." Ellie grabbed her friend's head and turned it back to the proper position. "Hold still!"
"I mean it," Annie replied, but she complied with the request. "If anything was going to happen, it would've happened by now."
"And I think you're severely overestimating the guy's... I don't wanna say intelligence, but..."
"He's had plenty of opportunities to... say something."
"Not really - he left 4th of July practically right after you got there," Ellie pointed out. "And that was only because his group left, not because he wanted to leave. He had no choice."
Annie snorted. "You can make all the excuses you want, but if he really cared, I think he would... find a way. Somehow. Y'know? And it's not like he's... shy?"
Secretly, Ellie kind of agreed, but she didn't want her friend to give up hope. "I don't think it means he doesn't care about you, like, as a person. Maybe he wishes things could be different. He just thinks... the obstacles in your path are too big. Too hard to overcome. They might not be, in reality, but as long as he thinks they are-"
"Are you talking about Joel again?" Annie cut in, teasingly.
"No! Not everything is about Joel," Ellie grumbled.
"I think it is. And I can't blame you for thinking that because Joel left-"
"I'm not talking about Joel, okay?"
"Ow! Don't yank my hair out!" Annie laughed.
"Sorry. Almost done..." Ellie had tugged kind of hard on that last one.
"He'll come back," Annie said quietly.
"Who - Joel? Who we're not talking about?"
"Yeah... he loves you too much not to."
Ellie wanted to believe that so bad. But Annie didn't know the whole story. Didn't know the horrible thing Ellie had done - or any of the other mistakes she'd made. "What's that thing you said? If you love someone, let them go?"
"Close. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it wasn't meant to be."
Ellie finished the easy part of the braid quickly and tied the end into a little paintbrush head, then secured it with Annie's hair tie. "Yeah, well, I think whoever said that didn't count on there being stubborn-ass people like Joel involved. Here." She handed Annie's comb back to her.
"Thank you!" She slipped the comb into one of her dress pockets and righted herself in the seat, patting her hair happily. "Good for at least two days."
"Provided you don't slip in pig shit and have to wash it," Ellie added.
"Yes. Or even just plain old mud."
Ellie remained sideways in the seat, idly pushing off the ground with her toe to make it swing a little. "So... what if he does love me, but doesn't think that his feelings matter? Cuz of the age difference and all. Is it not ~meant to be~ then? Or-"
"Uh-huh - so you do want to talk about Joel," Annie smirked.
"Ugh... I don't! But... okay, so I do. What if... the only way we can be together is if we leave here? Is it still... I mean I kinda thought meant to be means you're gonna be together no matter what."
Annie looked at her thoughtfully. "You'd go, wouldn't you. If he showed up and said it was the only way. That you can't go back to pretending."
"Um... probably? ...Yeah... yeah, I guess I would. How could I not? I love him."
Ellie had never explicitly told Annie that the romantic aspect of her relationship with Joel wasn't as one-sided as Ellie had led her to believe. And Annie had never come right out and asked her to confirm it. It just seemed like... Annie somehow knew. She seemed to think it had started in California - which made Ellie wonder if Joel was wrong about her looking different now that she was no longer a virgin! At least to people who knew her well enough? - and Ellie had just let her go on assuming that. Annie also never asked her if she was still a virgin or not... never asked for any details. Ellie got the feeling she wasn't all-the-way comfortable with the idea of her and Joel as a couple... but she was definitely trying. Annie would occasionally mention things like Rhett being twice Scarlett's age in Gone With the Wind... same with Colonel Brandon and Marianne in Sense and Sensibility... and other such books or movies from ancient times - Annie loved all that shit.
Of course - again - no one even came close to the age difference between herself and Joel. Not in fiction, not in real life. Who even gives a fuck? The real reason Joel left is because I FUCKED UP.
And did she really want Annie to know what a horrible person she was? Hell no. Better that she didn't know. Best would be if she absolved Ellie of the guilt she felt about it... but Ellie couldn't take that chance. Because there was no guarantee that she would! I mean... "yeah, sure, Ellie, it's FINE that you made Joel fall in love with a baby that never existed. No biggie!" ...Really? And of course there was her... er... MIS-USE of sex? That had obviously hurt him. Going all the way back to California. Annie didn't know about any of that, either.
Despite owning her mistakes, Ellie still couldn't seem to help feeling hurt and angry at Joel for leaving anyway. That was a safe subject to discuss with her friend.
Ellie sighed. "I dunno, though... like... how can I trust him not to leave me again, right? He's already done it twice. Maybe if I had just let him go that first time, he would've come back by now and that quote... poem... whatever... it would be right. But I didn't - I went after him, and fucked things up so bad... I mean, you have no idea how bad... I wish I could tell you..."
"You can! You can tell me anything you want. I'd never tell a soul. You know that."
"I know, I know. You're the only person I can really talk to... like this." The only person HERE, anyway... fuck, I miss Sophie! I hope I didn't fuck up her life on the beach... But several months had passed now, and Ellie liked to assume that her and Alex not returning to Jackson meant that things were still good over there. Or at least good enough. (And she really didn't care to entertain certain other possible reasons for them not returning.)
"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you before," Annie was saying. "In the beginning. Or... right before the beginning? I still don't know exactly... you haven't really said..."
Ellie waved that off. "It's all kind of jumbled up in my head, too, so... yeah." ...Except we totally have an anniversary date? Whatever! That wasn't even the true start of their... whatever it was. "I get it. Your mom brainwashed you. Not your fault. ...You know, your mom... and everyone who thinks like her... Tommy, Maria... they assume the older person is the bad one. But it's not true! Joel treated me so much better than I treated him. Maybe... maybe this happened - him leaving - because I don't deserve him. Like, it was supposed to be ~meant to be~, but I-"
"Nooooooo no no," Annie shushed her. "I refuse to believe that. Whatever you did wasn't- -You didn't cheat on him. Right?"
"Of course I didn't!" ...except that's actually debatable, with Shelby...
"Then it wasn't that bad. I saw you with him, Ellie - you loved him. You were sweet to him. Just because you had arguments-"
"Trust me - it was bad," Ellie cut her off before she could spew more oversimplified explanations; Annie just had no clue. "I... lied, basically. So much that he'll probably never trust me again."
Annie frowned. "Well... he did, too. He promised he'd never leave you, and he left. I think you guys would just have to... start fresh, you know? Clean slate. Just start all over. Let everything from the past just... stay in the past."
That sounds AMAZING... and totally impossible. "Right. Just forget all the pain? Trust that we'll never hurt each other again?"
"Yep! Clean slate. All the bad stuff is gone."
"...But then, so is all the good stuff. Right? Otherwise it's not really clean. It's still got gunk on it. Or whatever dirty slates have. ...What the fuck is a slate? Like a stone... slab... thing?"
"Yeah, like a mini chalkboard? I guess we don't have any real ones in the... ...hey, did you hear that?"
Ellie's ears perked up. "Hear what?"
"It sounded like Amelia, but I thought she was..." Annie scanned the yard for her horse.
"She went around the side before," Ellie told her. And because the gate had been left open, from like... maybe since before Ellie was born, as no one lived here and no one cared? it was kind of busted. Probably from the wind battering it about constantly. If Joel was here, I would ask him and he would know exactly how to get it to-
No - stop. He's NOT here... -Fuck! Sometimes it would still hit her like an actual physical pain. A literal jab to the heart.
"She sounds happy, I think," Annie observed. "But she's usually quiet, so maybe we should..."
"Yeah," Ellie agreed. The horse she was riding that day had his nose buried in some flowers or grasses or something and couldn't care less about what was going on out front. "Stay behind me." Out of habit, Ellie drew her gun when they went around the side toward the busted gate. Any time she felt the slightest bit of unease or apprehension about her surroundings, she needed to feel prepared to act immediately.
When she walked through the gate...
Oh my God. Is that- It CAN'T be-
"Spirit?!" Ellie couldn't believe her eyes. It must be another palomino who just strongly resembles-
"It sure looks like him!" Annie exclaimed when she caught up to her. "Look at Amelia... she knows him..."
The palomino locked eyes with Ellie - started trotting toward her - "It is! Holy fucking shit!"
She dropped the gun and flung her arms around his neck. Spirit rested his head on her shoulder like he was hugging her back - just like he used to! Is this really happening?! Holy FUCK- "Where did you come from, boy? Huh? Where have you been all this time? I wish you could tell me! How did you even get Inside without... ...without somebody..."
She stepped away from the horse and looked around, which answered one of her questions. There was a man, standing in the late afternoon shadows cast by the house across the street... even without being able to see him very well, Ellie knew who it was immediately: Joel!