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42

- the bad in each other -

"Does Jared drink?"

"Alcohol? Um, yes."

"How much and how often? Every night? Any benders?" my attorney, Renata, pushes.

She's maybe ten years older than me. Thin, glossed, and put-together. Her bright blonde hair is blown out, and she's sharp and Botoxed. Though I second-guessed taking Pete up on his generous offer, I realized I wasn't in a position to turn down the help.

"So?" she prompts. "Tell me about his alcohol consumption."

I think back to the night Jared found out about my infidelity, how he came home drunk and drove while under the influence.

"I guess he drinks every night. A glass of whiskey here and there. Or goes out with colleagues after work. He doesn't always get drunk, but it's something to take the edge off, I guess? The night I came clean, though, he was upset and went on a bender…"

Renata must enjoy hearing this because she smirks a little as she takes in this information. "Does he do drugs?"

"No."

"Really?" She arches a dark brow in disbelief. "He works long hours. He doesn't snort a little coke? Take a little bump of something? What about pills? Painkillers?"

"No, I mean…" I panic and think about how I took ecstasy on our Napa trip and worry Jared's attorney is asking the same questions. Trying to spin a similar narrative: that I'm a shitty, disloyal spouse who uses and abuses drugs and alcohol and is unfit to raise our child. "He's taken an edible occasionally, but nothing hard that I know of."

Renata doesn't look scandalized by this information but that's likely because marijuana is legal here.

"Does he partake in edibles around Mikey?"

"No, it's rare for Jared to take edibles." I wish I could lie, but I can't. I clear my throat and then drink from the glass in front of me. "I'm sorry, why is this helpful?"

"We need dirt. We need to make sure we go hard. That we're ruthless." She pauses then brightens. "Maybe we need to hire a private investigator."

"But why?"

"Because Jared hired Chip Barden," she muses, as if this means anything to me. "You don't hire Chip if you're going to go easy on your spouse. You don't hire Chip if you're looking to play nice or fair. He likely already has a private investigator following you, Isabella."

"Bella," I correct. Worry and doubt and anger with Jared sink in. I don't want to believe he'd be so low, though.

"Has anyone been following you? Have you noticed any cars… anything suspicious?"

"No. I don't think he would do that," I insist, my mind wandering back to those shitty photos my mom's friend took of Edward and me in the park. It's been hard to be away from him, but I'm suddenly grateful Edward and I have put a pause on things because I would hate for Jared to have more to use against me.

"You might think you know Jared, but the man you once knew is gone. Cases like this bring out the worst in people which is why we need to start strong. I know he is trying for full custody, but from what I've heard today, he'll be lucky if he gets every other weekend. He's a smart man, and he likely already knows this. This case isn't to get full custody, it's to smear your name. Make you pay a lot of money. It's to break you down. Emotionally, mentally. Physically. The stress can take a toll on your body."

I sigh because deep down I already know this. I'm living this.

"I just want this to be as painless as possible, Renata. That's what you're here for, right? I don't want anything from Jared that I'm not owed. At the very minimum, I want split custody. But I'm hoping for full-time. He rarely spends time with Mikey. He doesn't know his routine at all. He can't get him down for bed. It just won't work, and I guarantee he would stick him with a nanny all day."

She nods, taking this in, her icy blue eyes piercing me. "I'm going to get you a hell of a lot more than what you're owed. Chip is good, but I'm better. Now tell me—has Jared ever hit you? Gotten a little violent? Maybe after drinking…" she offers, waiting for my answer.

I feel sick to my stomach. "No… not like that."

"You don't sound convincing. Did you get any pictures of bruises? Black eyes? Witnesses? You mentioned he can have a temper."

I'm suddenly grateful Rose suggested I take pictures of the bruises he gave me.

"He's never hit me. But the night he found out about my affair—"

"Don't use that word. We'll have to spin it another way. You had a lapse in judgment. It was a one-time thing. The alienation you felt in your marriage led you to make that decision, blah blah blah," she lists off. "You aren't seeing him anymore, right? The guy?" She leans forward, like a friend seeking hot gossip.

"Well, we're close friends. He's my neighbor and our kids are best friends. So I see him, but no, we're not… sleeping together anymore. But we're planning on being together eventually."

"When?"

I shrug. "When all of this blows over."

Renata sits back in her chair. "Does Jared know that little tidbit of information?"

"I guess… yeah. He knows I'm in love with Edward. I was honest."

"Don't be." Renata frowns and points at me with her pen. "And don't talk to Jared anymore. Got it? Not unless you have to. Only texts, no calls. Have a third party present or a family member arrange for him to see Mikey. Don't give Jared any more ammo than you already have. I'm telling you, this could get ugly. But with me on your side, you'll be in good hands." She smiles genuinely. "Okay, so back to what you were saying—what exactly happened that night?"

XXX

An hour later, I leave Renata's office, and despite her advice, I head directly to see Jared.

I'm sickened by all of the questions she asked me. Disgusted that it's come to this.

I don't want to play dirty. I don't want Jared and me to paint each other in a horrible light while fighting for our son. I just can't. I don't have it in me.

But maybe if I'm honest with Jared, maybe if I apologize and plead and make him understand that this will only serve to hurt Mikey in the long run, he'll agree with me. Maybe I can get through to him.

It's been a long time since I've been to Jared's office. The last time I was here was before Mikey was born. I tried surprising him for lunch, but he was stressed and busy. But not too busy to suggest bending me over his desk to relieve some of that stress.

He did.

I let him fuck me.

I was willing back then. Or maybe just accepting. Appeasing. Agreeable.

Thinking about how docile I used to be with him makes me feel ashamed.

The older receptionist who sits behind the large, walnut desk smiles at me when I walk in. Maybe she doesn't place me right away, but when she does, her smile turns into a slight frown, sadness behind it.

I wonder exactly what Jared has been telling people about me.

"Hi, Liz. It's been a while, so you might not remember me…" I prompt.

"I know who you are," she says kindly.

"Can I see him?" I ask. "Is he in a meeting?"

She glances at the large, sleek screen in front of her. "He has about fifteen minutes. Go on through."

"Thank you."

"It's good to see you," she says politely, and I detect sincerity in her tone.

I quickly walk down the hall and head directly to his office, the last door on the left. The door is cracked, so I don't knock. But when I walk in, I see a brunette woman sitting across from him at his desk. They're mid-laughter. His genuine smile instantly fades when he sees me.

"What are you doing here?" he asks coldly.

"We need to talk."

His eyes shift to the woman, who stands and tells him, "We can finish this later."

"Great, thanks, Beck," he replies, his tone less cool than it was with me.

She avoids my eyes as she slips past me.

She must know who I am.

I shut the door once she's gone then sit in her seat that's still warm. I hate that I instantly scan his desk to see if our framed photos are still there. They are. One of us at our wedding. Another of us with Mikey when he was a newborn. I'm not sure how I feel about them still being out. But I also wonder if Jared even realizes they're still there. I wonder if he overlooks them the same way he overlooked Mikey and me all of these years.

"Who was that?" I ask.

Jared stays silent for a beat. "Rebecca."

I want so badly to call him out for having a pet name for her, but I don't want to waste time on shit that doesn't matter.

That thought goes right out the window when I say: "She's pretty." For the slightest second, I feel a pang of jealousy.

"Yeah, she's beautiful," he agrees, and hearing that makes me feel worse.

Of course, it's none of my business but, "Are you seeing her?"

He holds my gaze and almost smirks. "That would go against company policy."

I cross my arms over my chest, reminding myself I shouldn't care. I don't care. If anything, seeing him flirt and hearing him call another woman beautiful is a good thing. It makes me feel less guilty because I'm reminded that he'll be fine. Sure, he loved me, and yes, I hurt him. But Jared Cameron will move on and be fine without me.

"What do you want?" he asks, getting straight to the point.

"I just left Renata Callahan's office."

Jared looks impressed, and maybe even a little worried. "Her retainer is ten-fucking-thousand dollars, Bella."

"I know. Your dad referred me and offered to help." Maybe I should've kept that to myself, but part of me wants him to know I have people to support me, too.

Jared laughs bitterly, his jaw tightening. "Of course he did. Of course, my folks are on your side. How they can still adore you is beyond me."

"Your parents are kind because I'm the mother of their only grandson," I reply, grateful for their generosity. "They know how deeply sorry I am. They know I never wanted to hurt you or disappoint them. They—"

"What. do. you. want?" he bites, punctuating each word with hatred.

I go for a no-bullshit attitude, too, brushing off his abrasiveness.

"Did you hire a private investigator to follow me?"

He sounds genuine when he says, "Don't be absurd."

"Well? What am I supposed to think? Renata said you probably did. She said Chip Barden fights dirty. And I don't want us to do that, Jared. That's why I'm fucking here. I don't want to toss out nasty details about how much you drink or if you ever put your hands on me. I don't want to make you out to be a neglectful, absent father. I don't want us to tear each other down. I want this to be civil. But if you're going to fight dirty, then so will I."

My words are honest. My tone is pleading. My warning is direct.

"I know you don't want any of that. But I didn't want you to cheat on me," he snips.

"I'm sorry," I say, sincerity dripping from my tone. "I hate the way everything went down. I know I should've been more honest with you. I should've told you more often how unhappy I was, and you should've listened more. We both made mistakes. But we are going to be in each other's lives forever. Forever, Jared, whether we fucking like it or not. We need to co-parent. We need to be on good terms. Mikey deserves better from both of us."

Jared's cell chimes and he picks it up, typing on it and ignoring me.

I roll my eyes and keep going.

"None of this is worth it, Jared. Renata said you won't get full custody. There's no way, especially not with your temper and after I showed her the pictures of my bruises and the wall after you punched it," I tell him truthfully, and his eyes flash with anger… and maybe even a little regret. "You'll be lucky if you'll get Mikey half of the time. I'm his primary caregiver. You barely spend any time with him. Yeah, maybe I was a shitty wife, but I'm not a bad mom. You know that. You know Mikey loves me. You know how much I love him, how much I sacrifice for him."

"You think I don't love him? You think I don't make sacrifices?" he fires back.

"I didn't say that. But if I'm being honest, no, I don't think you sacrifice as much as I do."

"I chose to give him a certain lifestyle. That is a fucking sacrifice in itself."

I shake my head, disagreeing. "What is your plan? Hire a nanny when he's with you? How is that sustainable? How is that better for him than being with me or with you? I'm just asking you to please think about him. Take his needs and wants into consideration. I'm asking you to at least be agreeable about custody. To be fair, please. You can have whatever else you want. I don't care about anything other than him."

Jared taps his pen on the desk, thinking. He's quiet for at least a minute, and it feels like a lifetime.

"Do you remember the last time you were here?" he finally asks.

I swallow. "Yes. Unfortunately."

"So you remember I took you right here on my desk?" he asks, voice husky and making me uncomfortable. "God, your pussy was so wet."

"That's enough," I say firmly, heart racing, gut-twisting. "You need to stop."

He sinks lower in his leather chair and shrugs. "Just reminiscing."

"It's inappropriate and wrong, and I'm uncomfortable hearing this shit."

He sneers. "Would it be so wrong if I bent you over my desk again? You're still technically my wife. But it's not like you have to be married to someone to have sex with them, anyway, right?"

"Fuck you," I whisper harshly. "This has nothing to do with what I'm here to talk about."

"Yes, it does."

"How?" I ask through gritted teeth.

"If I get what I want, you get what you want."

I decipher his words, his intention. "As in if I fuck you right now, you'll drop the custody case?" His gaze dips to my chest and then back to my eyes, and I have my answer. "I can't fucking believe how big of a manipulative asshole you're being right now," I snap, standing to leave, my adrenaline pumping. He at least has the decency to look the slightest bit guilty for what he's suggesting we do. "I can't believe I thought you might be reasonable about this. I feel like I don't even know you anymore."

"Yeah? Welcome to my life. It fucking sucks, doesn't it?"

"I get it, okay? You're hurt. I'm fucking sorry. But if you're willing to hurt Mikey because of something I did, then you're a shittier fucking father than I thought. We're done here," I tell him sharply. "Renata will reach out to your lawyer."

I turn to leave and my back is to him when he tosses out a casual, "I look forward to it."

XXX

Later that evening, Edward texts and asks if Mikey and I want to go get ice cream with him and Seth after dinner.

My initial reaction is to say no because I'm worried about being seen.

After I met with Renata earlier and she mentioned Jared could've potentially hired a private investigator, I'm on edge. He said he wouldn't do that. And even if part of me wants to believe him, I don't trust him. Especially not after how today went.

Bella: Would love to but we might have to pass.

I send a million red hearts.

Edward: Are you okay?

Bella: Not really? I met with my attorney today, the one Pete recommended. Talking to her kind of freaked me out about this custody battle.

Edward doesn't reply but FaceTimes me.

"What'd she say?" he asks. "Also, hi. Sorry. Are you busy?" His smile when he sees me is so fucking cute.

"Never busy for you. I'm also putting off cleaning the kitchen. And Mikey's next to me playing with playdough." I turn the camera around and let Mikey show him the dinosaur he's trying to make.

"Very cool, little man. That's better than I can do," Edward tells him, which makes Mikey beam. They talk for another minute or so about what kind of dinosaur he's making. Edward tells him it's a brachiosaurus, and Mikey adorably butchers the name when he tries to repeat it.

Their interaction is sweet, a balm to my heart. I know Mikey won't ever feel the lack of a father figure in his life because he will always have Edward.

After a beat, I tell Mikey I'll be right back, and move further into the kitchen for a little privacy.

"So, what happened with the attorney?" Edward asks, face open and expectant.

I recap everything, from how hard Renata was trying to dig up dirt on Jared to how shitty and immoral all of it made me feel.

"It's ironic, right? That this makes me feel immoral and yet…" I don't finish my thought.

"We didn't intentionally want to hurt anyone," Edward reminds me. "This is different because you're being asked to offer up all of the negative things about Jared. But nothing you're saying is a lie. And like she said, he's going to go hard on you. It's going to suck, but you have to go hard, too. Just try to separate all of it and not feel bad, baby," Edward encourages. "It'll be over soon."

"I know. It just makes me feel… gross."

It makes my skin crawl, as it did when Jared spoke to me earlier today.

"I can't get over the fact that Jared thinks he could get full custody." Edward breathes a laugh. "I'm sorry, but he's a dumbass."

"I don't think he believes he'll win, though. Renata said he's doing this to break me down, to make me waste money, and to hurt me."

"All the more reason to fucking hate the guy," Edward mutters. "I'm sorry this is happening."

My stomach tenses. "Yeah, I hate him a little bit more after today, too."

"Why's that?"

"I went to his office earlier."

"By yourself?"

"Yes. It was probably stupid of me, but part of me thought I could level with him. To talk some sense into him and make him recognize that Mikey could get hurt from this and we should be civil."

Edward doesn't look happy. "Let me guess—due to his ego, that conversation didn't go over so well."

"Not really. He dismissed what I said and reminded me that I don't get what I want because I cheated." I debate on whether or not to tell Edward the rest, then decide he deserves to know. It's going to piss him off, the same way Jared disrespecting me pissed me off, too. But I want to be honest with him. I want to confide in him and share all of my ups and downs. I want to lean on him and not take on all of this bullshit by myself anymore because, for the first time in forever, it feels like I'm in a partnership. "Jared started some shit, though."

There's already an edge to his tone when he asks, "What did he do?"

I turn down the volume on my phone and lower my voice to make sure Mikey can't hear me.

"He started talking about this one time we were… together… in his office." I visibly cringe when I say it, sparing both of us the details.

Edward's face stays stoic, but I can see the anger flash behind his eyes, and hear it in his words. "Why the fuck would he bring that up?"

"Because—" I hesitate again. "He suggested if we're together one last time he'd give me what I'm asking for regarding custody."

"He fucking what?" Edward fumes.

"I know," I mumble. "It was disgusting, and I immediately shut it down, called him an asshole, and left. I told him he'd be hearing from my lawyer and that's how I'll communicate with him from now on."

"That son of a bitch," Edward spits. "Tell me exactly what he said to you, Bella."

"Just like, if he gets what he wants, I can get what I want? Something along those lines." I feel sick and pissed off and hurt all over again. Degraded that Jared thinks he can get what he wants with sex.

With his phone still in his hand, Edward abruptly gets up from his couch. I can see he's walking and can hear keys jingling in his hand.

"Where are you going?" I blurt.

"Gonna deal with that asshole, that's what I'm doing," Edward says seriously. "Can you watch Seth for me?"

"Edward, no." I panic. "Please don't. Please, it—"

He looks at the screen, eyes wild, jaw tensing. "That's not okay. On any level. He's a fucking disgusting, entitled prick, and the fact that he sat there and propositioned you—even tried to coerce you? I want to fucking knock his teeth in."

"I know," I stress. "Me too. I called Renata right away and told her everything. So don't do anything. Don't say anything. This could affect the custody case. I can't lose Mikey over this. We can't lose Mikey over this. Honestly, he probably wants to antagonize us, so we flip out. We can't give in to him. It's just a game to him."

I watch Edward furiously fist his hair, feeling guilty for telling him any of this at all.

"It's fucked up that he would say that shit to you."

I look up, down, and away. I feel embarrassed that he's the man I chose to be my husband all those years ago. "I know."

"And it's even more fucked up that he's using Mikey against you. I can't even imagine trying to use Seth to hurt Gianna. I don't understand Jared. I'll never understand him."

My heart swells and bursts for this wonderful man I get to call mine. "Honestly, I don't understand him either. I know he's hurting, but…"

"Doesn't give him the right. Maybe I won't beat his ass, but I can at least tell him to back off and go fuck himself. You're not with him anymore, and he needs to keep his mouth shut about shit like that. He needs to respect you more."

"Even saying anything to him could make this worse. What if he says you were harassing him? Accosting him? I don't trust him, Edward. So, please. Just let me handle it, okay?"

Edward growls aggressively. "I don't like this. It doesn't sit right with me, and I want to stick up for you. Protect you."

"It doesn't sit well with me, either, and I love that you want to protect me. But there's nothing we can do right now. I won't be alone with him again. It's okay. Breathe."

"I'm breathing… barely," he mutters.

I smile sadly. "Maybe I shouldn't have told you. I'm sorry."

"Don't say or think that. I'm glad you did. He can't get away with being disrespectful to you and saying shit like that," Edward says, staying deadly serious. "I won't say or do anything yet, but the second the custody battle is over, I'm putting that fucker in his place."

I love that Edward wants to protect me. But despite how passive I've been with Jared in the past, I feel like I can finally stand up to him.

"You don't have to put him in his place," I say to Edward, fiercely determined. "Because I eventually will."