Ah yes - New York Cit - wait what? It's not New York City? Sorry folks, let me rephrase that for a bit -
Ah yes - Old York City, perhaps the most famous city in the United States of America - nay, the world!
Here, we have such wonderful sights such as Times Square Root - the part of town filled with numerous billboards showcasing lovely math equations and fractions!
Central Theme Park, the most well known theme park in the city, where we can all go out and ride on the many roller cups-on-coasters!
The Empire Penguin State Building. Originally called the Empire State Building, this prestigious building, since 1946, was taken over by a tribe of penguins who hatched out of beach balls instead of eggs.
And let us not forget the Statue of Liberty. It was a gift to North America from our good friends over at Paris…, Indonesia.
But let us not forget why we came here today…we came here to tell a tale.
At the Old York City police department, two loyal officers, Officer Ren Höek and Officer Stimpy, stood before the mighty chief of police.
Chief: Officer Höek, Officer Stimpy, I called you two here to assign you on a new mission.
Ren: Alright cheef, lay it to us.
Chief: It seems that day after day, more money has been disappearing from the local bank. It seems to be a series of heists being pulled off by the same person or people. And since all of the other officers are occupied, you two boys are going to do a stakeout.
Stimpy: Steak? I love steak!
Ren smacked his fellow officer on the head when he heard his stupid comment.
Ren: Eet's not "steak", you eediot, eet's "stake."
Chief: Now boys, go out there catch that robber, and bring him to justice! And remember our motto - "We always get our man! Or woman. Or non-binary. We don't judge."
Ren and Stimpy: Aye aye, sir!
The two saluted the mighty chief, and walked out of the police department building, got into their police car, and drove away.
When the two got to their location, they parked in an alleyway.
Ren: Alright, Steempy. Now we just wate heer unteel we find the criminal behind these robberries.
Stimpy: Hey Ren, this is the perfect opportunity for me to use my new camera!
Stimpy took out a camera, which Ren angrily swiped away from him.
Ren: We can't use dat camera, you deemweet. Eet'll expose us to the robber and heel run away! Wat we need ees is our eyes. Yonce he makes eet to the bank, wee'll wait unteel he goes een, you'll stand outside the door, and you'll baton heem!
Stimpy: Sounds like a plan to me!
So the two officers sat down in the police car with…nothing to do. Officer Stimpy turned to Officer Ren and asked…
Stimpy: Hey, Ren?
Ren: Yeah, Steempy?
Stimpy: When do you think the criminal will appear?
Ren: Eye don't no, lait at nite or sumthing.
Upon hearing that, Stimpy was starting to get scared.
Stimpy: What do we do until then?
Ren: Try to intertain yourshelf.
Stimpy decided to do one of his personal favorite hobbies - playing the Japanese accordion. It's the same as a regular accordion, except it sounds worse. Stimpy started to happily play the accordion, much to Ren's chagrin. After five minutes, Officer Höek gave up and snapped at him.
Ren: STOP PLAYING DAT EXCUSE OF EN INSTRUMINT, YOU WASTE OF CELLS!
Officer Höek angrily ordered.
Stimpy: I'm sorry Ren, I just love playing this old thing! It was a gift to me from my grandma.
Ren: OK, just mute the sound.
Stimpy turned down the volume dial all the way to "not a creature was stirring" and he continued to play…silently.
Ren: That's battier.
But as Stimpy was just getting into the silence, his stomach started to growl like a Kodiak Marmoset.
Stimpy: I'm hungry.
Ren: Don't worry, Steempy. I have enuff dohnuts for the both of us!
Officer Ren pulled out a box of fresh baked donuts and opened it.
Ren: I got your favourite - the wons topped with powdered tost iceeng and feelled with haggis!
But his smile started to fade away as Officer Stimpy started to gorge all of the donuts down his throat with as much speed as a 20 year old on an all kale diet. The enraged asthma hound chihuahua snatched the remaining donuts away from his hands and slapped him on the nose.
Ren: You gluttonous lump! Don't eet them all! Dose are for both of us. Wat wood the cheef say?
Stimpy: I just can't help it, Ren. I like the way the haggis fat gets stuck in my teeth.
Ren: Yore not dee only won hoo likes haggees fat, Steempy; theenk of all the starveng tweenagers hoo wood love to dine on theese dohnuts.
Stimpy: Gasp! Ren, look!
Stimpy pointed to a sketchy individual outside the bank. He was wearing a mask over his head, a fedora, and a trench coat. Ren raised his eyebrow at the character.
Ren: Eenteresteeng. Steempsun, go check that guy out.
Stimpy: Got it!
As the guy went into the bank, Officer Cat walked out of the car and stood outside the front door, baton behind his back. He whistled a tune that sounded happy.
When the horse finally came out of the bank, Stimpy whacked him with the baton over and over and over again, harder and harder each time. Ren ran out of the car as fast as he could and over to the act of police brutality. Ren got the baton out of Stimpy's hands immediately.
Ren: You're goeeng to keel him, you eediot! We need heem fore questioneeng.
Ren looked down at the individual's body.
Ren: OK, looks like he's knocked out. Help me karry hees body back to dee car, won't you?
Stimpy: Sure, buddy.
The officers picked up his body, shoved it in the back of the police car, and drove away.
When the individual woke up, it was because a flash of light was shoved in his face. It was from a lamp turned on by Officer Höek and Officer Stimpy, revealing that he was…a horse. The horse found himself in a dark and shady interrogation room, tied to a chair, and strapped to a lie detector.
Mr. Horse: Wh-what am I doing here?
Officer Cat was playing good cop with the horse.
Stimpy: Hey buddy! You wanna hear a song? It's a song about being hap -
But he was interrupted by Officer Höek, who was playing bad cop with the horse.
Ren: Alright, you deminted skum! Wear were yoo the last few daze?
Mr. Horse: I - I was at home.
The lie detector didn't buzz.
Ren: Were you opeerateeng dee crimes?
Mr. Horse: No sir, I wasn't.
The lie detector didn't buzz.
Ren: So wat were you doeeng?
Mr. Horse: I was holding walruses hostage.
The lie detector didn't buzz. Ren and Stimpy looked at each other with confused and disturbed faces.
Ren: OK, ummm…wee may need to steel put yoo into custodee for keednappeng.
At that moment, the interrogation room was struck with a loud noise -
Chief: Höek! Cat! In my office…NOW!
The two officers looked at each other and gulped with fear.
Later, the two were in the police chief's office as he angrily went through a list of offences the duo did.
Chief: Hogging donuts, assault of an innocent yet horrible horse, and misuse of a Japanese accordion?!
Stimpy: We also ran over a salamander on our way back.
The chief's moustache started to bulge in anger as he slammed his fist down on the table.
Chief: You two dummies let ANOTHER heist happen under your watch and you did several slip ups along the way. You leave me with no choice. Hand in your badges, guns, and nose hair.
Ren: B-b-but cheef, wee -
Chief: Badges. GUNS. AND NOSE HAIR!
The two sighed as they handed in their badges and guns…but when Stimpy handed in his nose hair, he noticed something he didn't notice before.
Stimpy: Uh…chief? Where did you get that diamond ring?
Chief: Oh uh - it was my wedding ring.
And Ren noticed something attached to his ear…
Ren: And dat emerald eereng.
The chief started to sweat profusely as his eyes became more and more bloodshot as the officers continued to point out more stuff.
Stimpy: And those golden gums!
Ren: And that platinum zit!
And Stimpy frantically pulled down his pants to reveal..
Ren and Stimpy: Gem plated underpants?!
And then, Officer Höek checked the underwear to see…
Ren: Deh messenger kash!
Officer Cat's eyes started to well up with tears.
Stimpy: No! Please say it ain't so, chief! PLEASE!
Chief: Alright - you two fools caught me! I did it! I was robbing the banks! I pulled off my latest heist after you left. I thought it was the perfect chance to fire the last two officers left at the department so that no one can stop me. But you two managed to catch me. I curse you both!
Ren: I've herd enuff. Steempy, take heem away.
Stimpy cuffed him and shoved him into a cell for his crimes.
Ren: Weell Stimpy, we deed eet. We solved dee crime of deh meesseng money!
Stimpy: Joy!
Stimpy gave Ren a big and happy hug.
The next day, Ren became the new police chief and rehired much of the original police staff, who were all happy to be given their jobs back. Officer Stimpy was in Chief Ren's office as he began to assign him to a new mission.
Ren: Offeecer Cat, I have a job fer yoo. Dere has been a robbery at the loceel cheese markit. I want yoo and your new partner to check eet out!
Stimpy: New partner? Joy!
Ren placed a deflated tire on his desk.
Ren: Meet your new partner, Offeeceer DeFlate.
Stimpy squealed with joy and hugged the tire with joy. He ran out of the office, ran out of the department, went into the car and placed the deflated tire into the co-driver's seat.
Stimpy: OK, DeFlate - let's go stop that cheese thief!
The two new partners drove off into the sunset, starting their long career together.