V:

When Liv woke up, she was still warm and cozy beneath the blankets, so she knew Rafael hadn't been gone for too long. In fact, it was his leaving the apartment that roused her out of slumber and made her a little pouty.

She sat up in bed and raked her fingers through her tangled hair. She took a deep breath and reminded herself that surely many a relationship had begun with less auspicious circumstances than this. And that she really couldn't blame him if he wanted to turn tail and run while he still had a chance.

Liv got up and went to the bathroom, enveloped by a sudden rush of warmth as remnants of his scent washed over her – traces of earthy sandalwood and golden musk with hints of spices, amber, and vanilla – mixed with something that was distinctly Rafael. Something she had immediately equated in her primal mind with comfort and stability because she had shamelessly clung to him in the middle of the night like she didn't even know what.

Just thinking about the night terrors made her queasy and anxious. Liv took a deep breath and tried to calm down, clutching at the edge of the sink. "William Lewis is in prison," she said very quietly to herself in the quiet of the room. "He cannot get to you again. If he gets out… don't miss. Don't miss." She bit her lip, exhaled shakily, ran her fingers through her hair again, and got out of the bathroom without looking in the mirror. If she saw her reflection, it would only make things ten times worse.

She knew it from experience.

Rafael had made coffee and laid out a banana, a packet of the high protein oatmeal she kept in the cupboard, and a note to call him. She went about her morning routine, peeling the fruit while the oatmeal cooked in the microwave and she sipped on the coffee, wondering if the milk was still good (it was, but only barely – she was going to have to have more delivered), worried that if she called him it would disrupt his morning.

But she called him anyway, and he answered immediately. "Olivia!"

Liv paused for only a second, her tough façade all but cracking and breaking. "Hey," she greeted. "You didn't have to make coffee or leave me breakfast. I definitely could've found it all on my own, since it's about the only thing in the fridge or cupboards at the moment."

"Yeah, you might want to do something about that before you go under the knife," he said with a soft chuckle. "Or I could – since I'll be helping out."

"You don't have to," she murmured. "The squad has made it very clear that they want to help take care of me. Nick's mom has plans to bring me all kinds of food and even Fin says he's going to bring around mac and cheese or something, I don't know. I don't think they realize I'll be in the hospital for a week or two at first before I even get home." She sighed as the microwave dinged. "Look… I wanted to apologize."

"For what?"

"Dragging you into this so soon." She flipped him to speaker and laid the phone on the counter so she could get the bowl out of the microwave, then took him off speaker. "It's not easy. It's part of why Brian left. The nightmares don't stop – I haven't slept a full night since Lewis took me. And, so, whoever is… with me… doesn't necessarily sleep either."

There was a long pause, then he said, "Olivia, I get it. Sometime when we have more time, I'll tell you about my dad. But I want you to understand that I'm going to be in your corner – even if you decide we should just be friends and not… romantically inclined."

"Are you on the subway?" she asked.

He bit off a laugh. "Yeah."

"Are people looking at you funny?"

"You have no idea."

She chuckled and smashed the banana into her oatmeal and added a splash of milk. "Well, let me tell you something, Rafael Barba…" Liv took a deep breath, then exhaled a heavy sigh. "You made me feel safe last night, which isn't something I've felt in quite some time. I don't know what this is between us… or why it is… or how. But I think I want to find out if it's okay with you? I can't guarantee I'm not going to be the asshole and fuck it up or just… go crazy because trauma. But I want to try this thing with you."

She could hear him smiling as he responded. "I'm pretty sure you're not the asshole, Olivia. Even if you fight back. You take too much blame for other people's bullshit. And I'd like to try to have a relationship – any kind of a relationship – with you. My stop's next so I'll call you later, okay? Please eat before you go to work."

"I will," she said softly. "Thank you." She paused. "Wait!"

"What?"

"How did you get here so quickly?"

"I live up the block," he laughed, ending the call.

She stared at her phone and rolled her eyes that something so obvious hadn't even occurred to her. But in that deep state of panic, it was hard to think logically. She ate quickly and got showered and dressed for work, not giving much thought to her reflection in the mirror. Her hair dried on its own in its shorter state and she'd stopped wearing much makeup on her bad days, so it was a little bit of moisturizer on and out the door.

When she got to work, Amaro looked up from his desk and frowned. "You okay?" he asked. "You don't look so hot –"

"Long night," Liv dismissed softly, slipping into her chair and dropping her purse onto the floor. "Didn't sleep very well."

"No offense, you look like you got hit by a car, Liv," Nick said gently.

She shrugged. "I wasn't out playing in the street if that's what you want to hear." She grabbed the top file from her inbox and sighed. "I almost wish I was sometimes: it would be preferable to the nightmares."

"You're still having nightmares?" Nick asked, rolling over in his chair.

"They don't just go away because I snap my fingers and say, 'oh, William Lewis is in prison and can't get me now'," Liv snapped snarkily. "If anything, they're worse because now I have nightmares where I didn't stop beating him and he died. And I'm happy about it. What kind of a person does that make me?"

"Justified," he replied. "After what he did to you? What he did to all those people –"

She held one finger up in his face. "I stopped myself from killing him because even in the heat of the moment and in my fight for my own survival I knew I was better than him and I wanted justice, not… not vindication." She let out a shaky breath. "And now, I fight this war in my head every day, in my nightmares. And I hate myself more and more every day because I have to deal with what he did to me. I wish he had killed me."

"No you don't," Nick said. "Because you have so much to give, Liv."

"I'm tired of giving," she whispered. "I give and I give and I give – and all that seems to happen is that people take. Or leave. I'm tired and I don't know how much more I can give, Nick."

"I know," he said. "But, I mean… eventually, things turn around. This isn't about dickhead moving to Florida is it? Thought you were over his dumb ass already."

"Your contempt for Brian not withstanding," she said scathingly, "no, it's not about him. It's about waking up every morning and not being able to look at myself in the mirror."

"You gotta give yourself time," Amaro advised. "It's been thirteen months. That isn't very long in the scheme of things. You've barely had time to heal from the procedures and go through therapy and recover from the miscarriage and Brian being a dick. Let alone process what happened with the trial and everything else. And now the surgery next week… you just need to chill out and take it one day at a time, Liv. Okay? Let my mom feed you and come over and we'll all come over and take care of you. It's what family does."

"Yeah," Liv said. She captured her lower lip nervously in her teeth, then let it go. "You'll probably get to know my friend Rafael very well over the next few weeks."

"Friend?" Nick said.

"Boyfriend?" Her tone was uncertain. "We've started a relationship but it's… new and I don't know if it's going to last through all of this."

"Um," he said, "that's new. Wanna dish?"

"Not much to say, really," she said with a slight shrug. "I met him when I was really low the week everything went to hell and I went for a drink. He pestered me and pestered me and got me out of my head a little and I ended up giving him my card with the number for my desk phone. And he called me the other day, so I took him to the diner for pie to apologize for being a bitch. It went well enough that we went to Coppelia for dinner last night."

"Cuban food – not my mom's level, but good enough for Manhattan," Nick said with grudging respect.

"Apparently, it's not his abuelita's standards, either, but she's dead, so it's good enough," she said with a shrug.

"So he's Cubano," he said.

"Yeah," Liv acknowledged. "But it doesn't matter. God knows I'm a little bit of everything." She gestured at herself with self-deprication. "Anyway – point being, I don't know how this is going to…"

"Is he a good guy?" he interrupted.

"He's a lawyer."

Nick made a face, then corrected himself. "Defense or prosecution?"

"Prosecution. Of course."

"Good. Points in his favor, then," he said. "Still, a lawyer… is he a good guy?"

"I woke him up in the middle of the night while I was having my night terror," she admitted very quietly. "And he came over without hesitation. Even made coffee and set out my oatmeal and banana before he left."

Nick stared at her for a long moment. "And you're wondering if this is going to last?" he asked, deadpan. "Liv, I'm going to tell you something your therapist won't. Life is short. We don't know what the hell is going to happen. And if somebody makes you feel good after all the hell you've been through, please don't feel guilty about that. Embrace it. Hold onto it tightly, okay?"

"Okay," she whispered. "Rafael made me feel safe last night. It felt strange… but good."

"Strange how? Like you didn't deserve it or –"

"Like I could lean on someone else for a change."

A grin broke out onto Amaro's face. "Great! Because Brian Cassidy was a total prick and made you lift everything," he said. "Of course, this guy Rafael totally isn't worthy of you – no one is – but I respect your decision in choosing him to drag along to things and, y'know, warm up your soup."

Liv cracked a smile. "Maybe I'll get lucky and he'll stick around long enough to get a house and a car and a washing machine and crank out a kid or something," she teased.

"All that's overrated," Nick pointed out. "You just need someone to walk you around the park when your joints click and bring in the take out when you're tired."

"You're so romantic it makes me want to barf," she muttered. "Hey, I need you to file the digital versions of your DD5s for last week," she added, changing the subject. "I need to add them to the Majors master file."

"Yes, boss," he replied, rolling his eyes and rolling back to his desk. "I wanna meet this Rafael guy, by the way – just to make sure he's not going to be a Cassidy 2.0."

"There's zero chance of that," Liv replied as Fin came into the squadroom.

"Zero chance of what?" Fin asked.

"Liv's new boyfriend being Cassidy 2.0," Nick said.

"What new boyfriend? Why am I just now hearing about this?" Fin asked, dropping into his seat.

"Because there's nothing to tell," Liv sighed. "I'm seeing a perfectly nice guy. He is not a dick like Brian."

"He is a lawyer, though," Amaro said.

"Who's a lawyer?" Rollins asked, sidling up to her desk.

"Liv's boyfriend."

Liv sighed and brushed her hair back out of her face. "I'm seeing a prosecutor. He's nice, dresses well, eats well, doesn't generally kidnap people or torture them for fun so I think I'm safe," she said sarcastically.

"Wow, touchy," Amanda said.

"I didn't sleep well," Liv countered.

"Want some coffee?" Fin asked, getting up and heading for the break room.

She didn't even have to respond. He had a cup of decaf on the way within moments. She knew Rafael had a deposition and he wouldn't be able to call or text but that didn't stop her from texting him.

Thank you. I don't think you know how much it means to have someone I can trust in my life.

It was past 10 when she got home, a bag of chips and a gyro from the food truck on the corner in hand, absolutely exhausted. Their case was complicated by borough lines, crossing the Bronx and Brooklyn, and their SVUs were working in tandem with vice and homicide to pull it together quickly. But she had gotten the go-ahead from Cragen to go home and sleep for a few hours instead of in the cribs – knowing that her night terrors would trigger everyone else if they occurred.

She kicked off her shoes and instead of neatly tucking them away, she left them lay where they were and collapsed onto the sofa, dumping her bags and keys onto the coffee table. She knew she needed something to drink, but the effort of getting up and getting a bottle of water from the fridge was almost too much work.

Her phone started ringing in her purse and she wanted to cry, but instead she fumbled with the bag and pulled it out. "Benson," she mumbled, not even looking at the caller ID.

"It's me. Barba. Rafael," he all but stammered.

"Hi," she breathed, relaxing. "I can only talk a minute. I'm supposed to be sleeping and getting back to the station."

"I know – I'm getting updates from Mercier and his team every few hours," he replied. "Do you know… no, we're not talking about work. I'm calling to find out how you are."

"Tired," she admitted. "But what do you do? Keep going."

"It's all you can do," he agreed. "You eat?"

"I didn't have lunch," she said. "But I've got something for supper."

"Baby, it's bedtime," he scolded gently. "You need to eat better. Especially if you want to try to have another baby."

She paused, took a sharp breath. "Is that something you want?" she asked quietly.

"I don't know that I would ever say that I was ready to be a parent," he said with a low chuckle. "But I do know that we have a finite amount of time to make that decision together and if we do choose to have a baby, I want us to be a family – however that looks." He paused. "I think, more importantly, is that something that you want, Olivia?"

"I've always wanted to be a mother," she said. "But I'm pretty sure at this point in my life, I'd be a shit one. I can barely keep myself alive."

He laughed. "I don't mean to laugh like it's funny – it's not. But it is in that terribly bad way. And, god, do I know how you feel. Most days, I live on the snacks that Carmen keeps refilled in my bottom drawer until I get home for the night."

She smiled. "I probably ought to eat."

"What do you have?" he asked.

"A gyro from the truck on the corner," she replied.

"That thing is going to kill you," he sighed.

"Maybe so, but the other option was a bodega sandwich and that's really taking my life in my hands," she countered. "If we get a break in the case, I promise I'll stop at PretAManger or something and grab something better for me. Or get a juice thing. I dunno." She sighed. "I can't wait till I'm on leave and people are bringing me food and I don't have to worry."

"That's very mercenary, Olivia," he said softly.

"Is it also very mercenary to say that I wish you were here?" she murmured.

"What time do you have to be back?"

"Four," she grumbled.

"I better let you eat and try to sleep," he said gently. "I'll text you tomorrow. I, uh… I don't want to jinx it but I have another interview with Jack McCoy at the DA's office and we're talking about a lateral transfer to Manhattan."

"Is that good?" she asked.

"Well, I wouldn't be commuting for hours every day to and from Brooklyn," he teased. "Might get to spend more time with you. And I already quietly disclosed our fledgling relationship to him and he just asked if I had a penchant for trouble."

She snorted. "There aren't words."

"I think we need to disclose."

"Before we know what this is?"

"Olivia, I know what this is," he said very quietly. "It might take a while to get there, but… I think this could be a beautiful thing between us if we both let it be."

She hesitated for just a moment, tired and overwhelmed by things out of her control, but she thought back to the middle of the night when she had felt so safe in his embrace and just let go for once in her life. "Okay," she whispered. "I trust you. But the second you hurt me, Rafael, I'm going to shoot you."

"And I'll let you," he agreed. "Now go eat and get some sleep."

She fell asleep that night dreaming of Rafael with a scruffy beard, a proud smile on his lips as he cradled a tiny baby with dark hair and vividly green eyes against his chest. And she wanted that – she wanted it more than she wanted anything else in her life. Whether it was prompted by her own slow healing and deeper desires slowly coming to the foreground or whether it was the power of suggestion planted in her mind by him being so capable and caring, she didn't know. Nor did she care.

All she knew was that she suddenly had something she really wanted to live for again. Not just survive to get through. Oh no, she had an ethereal goal, a thin little line of hope, of maybe, of possibility that squiggled its way through her life now tying her to him.

And she prayed he wasn't like Brian – an asshole in disguise, hiding behind pretty promises.

TBC...