STUCK IN THE MIDDLE WEED YOU: A MASS EFFECT STORY
Author's Note: This story is a love letter to cannabis. You might wanna skip it if weed isn't your thing!
1 - Well I Don't Why I Came Here Tonight
2036...
INFORMATION BROKER: Were you followed?
TEYI T'SERA: Nope.
INFORMATION BROKER: So, do you want to know how to do it?
TEYI T'SERA: I'm in.
-sitmwy-
"EARTH SELECT" CANNABIS DISPENSARY ROBBED! OVER 10 MILLION CREDITS WORTH OF CANNABIS STOLEN IN LARGEST DRUG HEIST IN CITADEL HISTORY!
-sitmwy-
Mark and Nutra stared and watched, speechless, as their best friend Teyi brought the contraband cannabis into the couples' small apartment. She had taken five hours to get here rather than usual twenty minutes, as Citadel security was on high.
"Keelah, you actually did it," Nutra replied, making no attempt to hide the astonishment in her tone. "You actually robbed the largest dispensary on the Citadel."
"I told you I was going to," she replied, as if this were the only explanation in the world that was required. "You doubted me?"
"We thought you would come to your senses!" Mark exclaimed. "Jesus, Teyi, this almost makes me regret introducing you to weed. Almost."
"So where are you going to go?" Nutra asked. "You can't keep this stuff here. We want it gone by the end of tomorrow, and not in a way that leads C-Sec back to us."
"We've got to sample some, though…"
"Mark!"
"Don't give me that, babe. If Teyi had robbed an acid store, you'd be saying the same thing."
She paused.
"Oh, fine. You two enjoy yourselves."
That night, with its plentiful dabs (no flower, for fear of annoying the neighbors), was the last one for quite some time where Teyi could enjoy weed without looking over her shoulder for Dervok Gon's hired goons.
-sitmwy-
DERVOK GON: Where is she?
SHADOW BROKER: In the Wards, staying with her two friends.
DERVOK GON: Much *wheeze* appreciated. I will not let this *wheeze* damage to my business reputation go unpunished!
2 - I Got The Feeling That Something Ain't Right
"TEYI, GET UP!"
Dreams collapsed from Teyi's vision as she was woken up by the sensation of Nutra violently shaking her.
"Dervok Gon knows you're here! You need to get out of here! And take the weed with you!"
Quickly recovering, she nodded and grabbed the large supply crate. It was Jim's Premium Cannabis, the marijuana company started by the famous human musician Jim Morrison. Carefully cultivated, refined, and packaged into dabs for sapient consumption, each gram cost a fortune. It was intended to be the best cannabis humanity had to offer.
She was fucked if they caught up with her. Which was why nodded as she took the large crate with her through the Keeper access tunnels.
The shadows were Teyi T'Sera's friend.
-sitmwy-
In the dream she is wandering through the keeper tunnels, hiding from the batarians. She feels deja vu, as if this is merely the latest iteration of a repeated journey. Always the Hegemony searches for her in its new territory, and always they fail. Always they live in terror and fear of the Blue Bitch.
In the dream she is arguing with a Geth, vehemently. The Geth refuses to hear her pleas on behalf of her friend. Thessia will remain under their control, and there is nothing she can do about it.
In the dream she is living in human space, in Arcturus. The salarians have conquered the galaxy, and Mark and Nutra find themselves in the same place as her. She is confused and scared, but her two friends anchor her through the chaos.
The dreams continue, flashbacks to lives never lived, worlds that are but are not hers.
3 - I'm So Scared In Case I Fall Off My Chair
SHADOW BROKER: Greetings, Teyi T'Sera. You seem to have made quite a name for yourself.
TEYI T'SERA: I need to get off the Citadel. I can't keep hiding here forever. Can you help?
SHADOW BROKER: Indeed I can, but it will not be cheap.
TEYI T'SERA: It never is…
-sitmwy-
SHADOW BROKER: She's on Ilium, in Nos Astra.
DERVOK GON: Thank you. This *wheeze* should be resolved soon.
SHADOW BROKER: I doubt that.
DERVOK GON: Why?
SHADOW BROKER: Once she has escaped you, I will provide her with a new location to hide.
[anger.]
DERVOK GON: WHAT?! How dare you!
SHADOW BROKER: I dare because I can. Information is my business, Dervok Gon. If I can make money playing you two off of each other, I am going to do it.
DERVOK GON: Curse you. I wish *wheeze* I did not need your services.
SHADOW BROKER: But you do, and you will continue to until you find your cannabis.
-sitmwy-
Ilium was nice, but it wasn't the Citadel.
Perhaps that was because there was no veneer of sophistication, as the Citadel had with the Presidium's contrast to the Wards. Well, there was an attempt at being civilized, but it was only for appearances. Slaves toiled away under endless service contracts on Ilium, and injustices went unpunished. It was the Citadel without C-Sec.
And she found herself working on one of those very same endless service contracts.
She sighed, and-
Stopped dead in her tracks, as she noticed a batarian was staring at her. His glare grew more intense when he realized she was watching him.
And so she ran.
-sitmwy-
The dabs were her refuge.
Even as she escaped Ilium, she still had the dabs of Jim's Premium Cannabis. She had sold a few on the black market, which in retrospect was likely how the batarian had tracked her down. But always, she saved some for herself.
Her mind often wandered to Mark and Nutra and she inhaled the dab vapor, thinking back to her first hit on the Citadel Evacuation Fleet. That seemed a lifetime ago now.
The cannabis danced around her brain, a vague warmth that always comforted her and prompted her to speak extemporaneously. Usually she spent about an hour or two each day rambling to herself about galactic politics or history. It kept her distracted from what she had done.
And of course, there was no going back now. She had gone through part of the supply, and Dervok Gon was not going to forget that. It seemed now that her life was made to be spent on the run.
She supposed there were worse fates.
4 - Clowns To The Left Of Me
Pragia
The plants were endlessly hungry. Each and every day they consumed ravenously from the overtaxed soil, and she knew the small clearing she had set down her spaceship in would be overgrown within a few days.
Still, a few days was plenty of time to reflect on her life.
*HIT*
She thinks of the day she met Mark and Nutra. She sat down next to them, and was immediately struck with how silly they were. The camaraderie wasn't quite instant, but it didn't take long to establish either.
*HIT*
She thinks of Dervok Gon. What he still looking for her? Probably, but he WAS one of the richest merchants on the Citadel. Surely 10 million credits wasn't that big of a deal to him, was it?
-sitmwyu-
DERVOK GON: This is an *wheeze* outrage! You have doubled the price of your information.
SHADOW BROKER: And you will pay it.
DERVOK GON: Or else what?
SHADOW BROKER: Don't be childish, Dervok. You are well aware that I am the only person in the galaxy who knows where she is. So will you pay it?
[pause.]
DERVOK: Oh, *wheeze* fine. Even if she has *wheeze* smoked it all, a lesson must be taught that nobody can cross me!
-sitmwyu-
Somehow, she had escaped again.
She was inside her ship, staring off into space, when she noticed a few other ones in the sky in the left field of her vision. It didn't take her long to realize they were coming for her.
And as she was running through the jungles of Pragia, her conclusion was confirmed via the ship's remote audio feeds.
"We've got the weed!"
"How much of it?"
"There's a bunch of grams missing. What do we do?"
"You know our orders. Secure the container, then find the blue bitch."
Her eyes widened as she continued to run through the jungle. How could they possibly be still interested in her if they got what she wanted? Sure she had taken a gram or two for the road, but-
She froze as she remembered something her mother had said to her on Thessia decades ago. "Never forget the value of reputation, little one. Never forget what it means to be made a fool in the eyes of many."
It was in that moment that she realized this would never end unless she found someone as powerful as Dervok Gon.
She needed to go to Omega.
5 - Jokers To The Right
Cerberus was an odd organization.
Formed in 1969 shortly after the quarians had made contact with and uplifted the humans, its stated goal was to further the interests of the human race. But following the Death of the Reapers, the interests of the human race and the rest of the Galactic Confederation will pretty well-aligned. They all wanted peace and prosperity.
So Cerberus had turned to research. And it was here, in the former Genetic Research Facility of Pragia, that she was hoping to find something that could help her.
The halls spoke a dark story. Blood-stained walls were accompanied by suit-wearing skeletons and the windows were almost all shattered in. The torrential downpour outside didn't improve exactly improve the ambience.
At length she found herself below the former docking bay, and to her delight saw two disused shuttles that had apparently been left behind in the evacuation.
-sitmwy-
"Which way did she go?"
"I don't- wait, Cerberus' base is nearby!"
"What?"
"The old abandoned one they used for genetic research. They sold the Shadow Broker its location a few years back. She's got to be there."
"She better be. I'm sick of chasing her for that stupid Volus."
"You and me both! There are better jobs for a mere."
-sitmwy-
The door to the facility creaks open.
After two hours of careful maintenance work, the shuttle was probably ready to fly. She was lucky it was in a covered part of the facility where there wasn't water damage.
Faint footsteps audible in the distance.
She quickly activates the on-board VI. It is agonizingly slow.
"She's by the launch pad! Stop her before she escapes!"
10…9…8…7…6…5…4…
"There she is! STOP HER!"
3…2…
"GET THE SHUTTLE DOOR OPEN!"
1!
The shuttle lifted itself up into the atmosphere, and Teyi made her way to Omega.
Patriarch,
I am the daughter of Matriarch T'Sera, and I would like to offer my services to you. I will ensure that Omega remains peaceful and stable; in exchange, you must protect me from Dervok Gon.
…
I read about that robbery. Pretty big deal when it happened, but the heat has died down now. Alright, you're hired. I tell you to do something, you do it. Got it?
…
Understood. I will be at Heaven [Afterlife] in three days.
Epilogue: HERE I AM! Stuck In The Middle With You
7 months later…
DERVOK GON: I can't believe I had to *wheeze* travel to the Terminus Systems for this! Those incompetent mercs!
PATRIARCH: We must deal with things as they are, not as we wish them to be.
DERVOK GON: True enough. So *wheeze* we are in agreement?
PATRIARCH: We are. We'll find CannaCare's trade secrets for you, and cover our tracks. In return, you forgive Teyi T'Sera's debt. She won't be leaving Omega anytime soon. I'll see to that personally.
-sitmwy-
The weed would always be there.
Even now, when she was a virtual debt slave for the ruler of Omega, she was content. Her smile began when her torch lighter ignited, and turned into a toothy grin after she had exhaled the dab vapor.
Cannabis was her eternal companion, her constant friend, her shining light in the darkness.