Eventually I started to feel better. My wounds were healing and I knew I wouldn't recover that fast without Bodhi taking care of me. He acted like a real, unselfish friend. He cleaned my injuries. He cooked for me. He made sure the fire in the fireplace never went out to keep me warm.

The cabin we were in was in such a remote mountain area that even the FBI wouldn't find me there. No civilization for miles. No one else appeared. I had no idea where Grommet and Roach were and honestly, I wasn't looking forward to meeting them. In their minds, I was an enemy now. A betrayer, an alien. I had no place in their world and they would never trust me again.

One late evening I was sitting on the sofa, wrapped in a blanket and watching the logs burning. The wind howled in the chimney and shook the window panes as much as it could. Bodhi came and sat down on the rug in front of the fire, one knee drawn up with his arms clasping it. He was wearing a faded tank top and joggers, resembling a travel-stained rock musician.

" What about the Ozaki 8? " I asked to interrupt the extended silence.

" What about it? "

" Well, what's going to happen now? "

Bodhi rolled a piece of paper between his fingers. " We'll continue on it as soon as you recover completely. "

" I don't think they'll accept me again. "

" They will. You might be some goddamn FBI agent, but you're still our brother. You proved it. It's a bond that cannot be broken this easily."

I was quiet for a while. " I want to see Samsara. "

Bodhi glanced at me. " Why? "

That was a weird question. He knew about my and Samsara's relationship.

" I just miss her, " I shrugged. " Has there never been a woman that you missed? "

He didn't answer for a good while. Actually, I couldn't imagine Bodhi in love. To me, he was a great athlete, a super surfer, an eco-warrior, and a leader. His philosophy, his views were unearthly.

" I'm not made of stone, Utah, " he finally said. " But I think you're wrong about Samsara. "

Before I could answer, the next question followed.

" Tell me about you and Jeff. What was there between you and him? "

Hearing the name of my long-deceased friend made my insides turn to ice. Though sitting in front of a fire I suddenly felt cold chills running down my spine.

" What do you mean? "

" It's true, isn't it? That's why you mourned so much when he died. Because you two weren't just friends. "

My heart turned a somersault. What the hell? Not a single person in this world knew about my real relationship with Jeff. We were always very careful. He took this secret to the grave with him and I never told anyone. How did Bodhi know about it?

" What are you talking about? Nonsense. Jeff was like a brother to me. I have told you that before. "

Bodhi's eyes were fixed on the fireplace and a small smirk cut across his face.

" A brother that you slept with. "

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The day Jeff died, I buried this part of my life. I plucked my attraction to men from my nature like weeds from a garden. I managed to look at women with desire... at least I thought so. For many years I trained myself to pay attention to the opposite sex only. After all, I was into Samsara. And now it was all coming back to me as Bodhi spoke.

" You have got a screw loose, seriously, " I answered in the most jeering tone I could produce.

" Do I really? " Bodhi turned to face me. His stormy, hazel eyes looked deep into mine. " Who was he to you? A boyfriend? A fling? Maybe just a one-night stand? Be honest with me. "

I pressed my lips together, trying to keep my face calm. I knew he was waiting for an answer.

" I'm not queer if that's what you're implying. "

Bodhi watched me expressionlessly, his eyes staring deep into my soul. I remembered the way he looked at me the morning after he saved me from drowning, at the train station in Paris, the evening before our first wingsuit flight. I had a ghostly inkling that this man knew everything about my life. That made me furious.

" What do you want? You know I'm with Samsara. I'm in love with her! "

" That's a lie, Johnny. I have watched you and Samsara. She might be into you, but you're definitely not into her. Your smile, your voice, everything's fake. "

I shrugged. The gesture that was supposed to look careless turned out to be stiff and awkward. As I recalled Samsaras's face, I couldn't imagine my attention to her appearing false and pretentious. She was a beautiful, brave, wild woman. Some part of me really liked her.

" I have no idea what you're talking about. Samsara is amazing. "

" She is. But you... does someone know? Anyone? "

" What? "

Bodhi's gaze ran over me, several emotions playing out on his face – determination, curiosity, irritation, and... need. I told myself I'm not seeing that, though it didn't stop the colony of anxiety ants that marched all over my skin. I truly believed Bodhi didn't mean me harm, though he could frighten me worse than anyone else.

" That you're gay. "

A shock wave of scorching heat ran through me from the ends of my hair to my heels. Heartbeat pounded in my veins and I could hear blood rustling in my ears. My mouth was dry as a desert and my brain went into an uncontrollable frenzy as I struggled to come up with an answer that was taking too long.

" I'm not gay, " I uttered, fighting to hold down the hyperventilating. " What makes you think that? Did I say something or did something? "

" You don't have to say anything, Utah. I see it in your eyes. Stop playing dumb with me. "

I felt like a rat caught in a trap. Bodhi moved from the floor to the sofa. One of his arms rested on the back of the sofa and I forced myself to look into his face instead of his biceps and the hair in his armpit. My pulse vibrated in the pit of my throat.

" Do you actually think I haven't noticed the way you look at me? The way you shiver whenever I touch you? Straight men don't do that, Johnny. "

" You have misunderstood me, Bodhi. "

" Cut your bullshit already, " Bodhi snapped and my heart fell into my stomach. " It's obvious, Utah. If you think you can deceive me about this, you're wrong. "

" You're crazy! " I got up from the sofa. As I walked past him I thought he would grab me but he didn't. " I'm going to bed. "

As I reached the door of the bedroom, Bodhi spoke again. His voice was quiet but loud enough for me to hear.

" You know I'm not crazy. You know I'm right, don't you? "

I lay on my bed, breathing heavily. Why did Bodhi talk about it now? How did he manage to dig out the darkest secrets from my past? Was it his way to make me pay for my betrayal, had he decided to hurt me emotionally instead of physically? Yes, he was right. But I wasn't going to confirm it. I didn't want anyone to know I was gay.

The comfort of this cabin now felt like a trap. If I were healthy enough and knew where the hell we were, I'd leave and never answer his embarrassing questions again. Now that he brought up this topic, it wouldn't leave my mind. I fell asleep thinking about Jeff and the secret moments we spent together.